I can't take this anymore

[cutebunny]

Hello,

so i have an exam this Tuesday and it's important because i might fail a class for the second time. I can't focus to study I'm also discouraged. Moreover, i spend too much time on social media.

 

yesterday, on my fan account i saw about a fan a year younger than me, i am 21. But she's a pedophile and she writes sexual things about underage celebs and dated a 12 year old. I got so triggered because I'm afraid of being a pedo. I slept well till 9 am and i fell asleep again till 10:30. Meanwhile i saw a dream where i did sth kinky with someone i shouldn't with. I woke up with a feeling on my clitoris, a feeling that comes from joy. I felt so bad. I went to meet a friend i haven't seen for 5 years and we had a good time but all of an sudden while we were eating my heart started to beat fast. She came home w me. I thought that i might hav sexual feelings for her. But i didnt do anything.

 

At home i tried to study but then i started crying from all the stress. I opened my fan account on twitter and I saw my favorite member of my favorite group. A fan commented that his eyes are red and i then realized it. I love him so much and i don't want hin to be sad. I felt like dying because he's sad and he's sad of fame, i am his fan so i make him sad. I think of suicide a lot today. Please help me. Am i a pervert? Why do i feel this way about a man that will never see me?

Edited August 12, 2017 by cutebunny

[runawaythoughts]

no your not a pervert. I get where your coming from, you read or see something and suddenly the OCD part of your mind plays tricks on you. It makes you think you like these things, you may well get a groinal response which makes you think you enjoy it. But it really does boil down to the OCD clinging onto things that disgusts you or it plays on your fears. It convinces you your something that your not, but the more you try and analyse the situation the more and more it eats away at you. 

 

Also, we have no control at all over our dreams. I've had some pretty disturbing ones linked to my OCD that I wake up not feeling to good about but I have to accept they are dreams (or rather nightmares) that don't reflect my true beliefs. 

 

Try not to dwell on this. I think a lot of people will read something disgusting, and either they just look at it and then move on with their lives, or those like us with OCD start analysing it in way more detail than needed and our mind plays tricks on us. I think the stress your are currently under doesn't help - exams / studying are tough times for anyone. 

 

Try to keep your self distracted from the thoughts and keep your self focused on your studies as much you can. But also cut yourself some slack.