Irregular86

Taking over - hiv ocd! Help please

11 posts in this topic

My OCD centres around contracting HIV and passing it on to my partner and son. We fell out in june and i talked to a male friend he was my shoulder to cry on and we ended up kissing with tongues on 2 seperate occasions over a 2wk period. Regretted it as id had a few drinks and was still in love with my partner.  Anyway a few days later me and my partner decided we wanted to sort things out and give it a go. Everything was going well then a couple weeks later we had just had sex and my mind pops up with what if you have hiv from that kiss last month. It felt like my world was caving in. Friend assures me hes got nothing. My doc prescribed 50mg sertraline again as i have struggled with ocd before and i have started high intensity therapy. My doctor told me no risk but test if it would set my mind at rest. So I was tested with a private rapid test using finger ***** which was negative at 27days from last kiss probably 40 since 1st. I then had a full blood test for hiv in gum clinic 3 days later. Also negative. I have contacted helplines who state you cant get it that way so why cant i let it go. Im terrified my results arent conclusive as it was so early even though private test is accurate from 26days and nurse said nhs one is 28 days. And obviously everyone in the know says it isnt possible. I cant sleep with my boyfriend again just incase even though this is crazy as if i had it i would already have passed it on as we slept together when we first made up. Im washing hands again constantly, cant eat using bare hands, washing between customers at work or using alcohol gel and im being much more careful around my young son incase he gets something from me too. My therapist seem to think its guilt and a heightened feeling of responsibility possibly stemming from a miscarriage a few years ago but i cant confess and unburden myself as my partner will leave me without a doubt and i dont want to hurt him. The therapy helps for a day or 2 after every session then the thoughts start to creep back in. I know its ridiculous. Im exhausted from contacting helplines writing in forums and trying to find answers via google! Can anyone help? 

 

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Stop getting tested, contacting helpline, asking people for their opinions, writing in forums and trying to find answers via Google. Those are all compulsions and they don't work. They don't put your mind at ease. They have the opposite effect. They keep your mind centered on catching HIV, which causes more distress and leads to more compulsions. You have to stop the cycle.

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If you want to feel the relief you seek, do nothing. Go about your life as if you didn't have the obsessions. The longer you can do that - the more relief you'll get. Remember, if it's not one fear, it'll just be another. 

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I am currently struggling with this too...

I think both answers above provide you the key to letting go. Take your own time. Allow yourself to be blue/depressed,but STAND BACK UP. 

Btw, I reckon that I don't need to clarify but.. no risk!

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I go from realising its ocd and not me and even thinking you know what I'm standing up to this, i will eat this bag of crisps with my bare hands or i will kiss my partner to then yeah but what if you do and you contract it and pass it on and then it starts all over again. Im exhausted. Im torn between wanting a full relationship with my partner and doing something thats gonna make me freak out and ruin our family holiday in 10 days time. Im about done with it now!

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You're going to continue to get those 'yeah buts' from time to time but they'll diminish when you stand up to OCD, face your fear, refrain from doing compulsions and challenge your OCD. You have to do normal things despite your brain telling you it's dangerous. OCD lies, all the time.

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:thankyousign:

Thanks for your advice everyone. I have read a couple of books to try and understand things a bit better. Hopefully with time and therapy this fades away like it has the twice previously. Seriously cant relapse again :(

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3 minutes ago, Irregular86 said:

Thanks for your advice everyone. I have read a couple of books to try and understand things a bit better. Hopefully with time and therapy this fades away like it has the twice previously. Seriously cant relapse again 

 

If the OCD faded away and keeps relapsing that suggests to me something is not working. At a guess, there is some, probably subconscious, neutralising compulsion going on which kept the OCD at bay, but of course once triggered it erupts. 

So I would highly recommend trying to work out if that is happening. Good CBT (cognitive aspect vital) will help, and as Polarbear rightly said, the tests will simply keep the OCD alive.

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Yes the 1st time i ever had a flare up was when i fell pregnant after a traumatic miscarriage which centred around listeriosis which then changed to hiv fears in latter stage of pregnancy. When my son was born my ocd became more about unintentionally harming him or losing control. I had a round of telephone based talking therapy then some face to face low intensity cbt. It went away. Then i split with my then partner and got with my current partner and the hiv thing popped up again. We were both tested and a negative result was enough to turn it off then. Really struggling to turn it off this time. Having a round of high intensity cbt therapy at the minute and erp has been mentioned as part of that. Just gonna take time and patience to rid myself of it this time i guess. Thank you for all your advice though, its comforting to know you can talk to someone and voice your problems without being told to snap out of it or just stop thinking about it! 

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On ‎14‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 07:04, Irregular86 said:

We were both tested and a negative result was enough to turn it off then.

I totally understand and get why you felt the need to test because of past events, which I am sure will be linked into OCD.  But the fact you felt the need for the tests in the first place was because of an OCD obsession, and the compulsion have temporary relief until it is sparked up again, like now. 

Where OCD is a little entrenched telephone and low intensity stuff may work, but realistically will need high intensity therapy.  When you say the therapist mentioned ERP, do you know what they had in mind?    ERP may well be part of the therapeutic strategy needed, but I really believe they need to be focussing on the cognitive aspect (what is driving those obsessions). 

Good luck with it though :)

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She mentioned possibly entering situation where my anxiety would spike and then concentrating on not carrying out my compulsions. Such as at work (post office counter) not washing hands or using hand sanitiser after every customer. I think deep down i know i dont have it, i had 2 tests with negative outcomes and countless experts and organisations have told me i didnt even require testing as i had no risk. Its just trying to turn off the what ifs. Therapy is certainly helping and hopefully that continues.

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