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I'm pretty sure I have THE worst OCD


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Hey all, im new here and a little bit nervous but here goes.

I'm 31 years old, I have PTSD OCD PANIC DISORDER and in an utter mess, I get blasphemous thoughts towards God every single day which is hugely distressing as I'm a Christian and terrified I'm goona burn in hell.

 

I also have weird "magical pure o " , It started with the number 13 and now it has developed to the point where im REALLY scared of my age because im in my 30s and 3 is a bad number because its part of 13. So im having panic attacks all the time because I cant change my age and scared I'll have a panic attack until I'm 40!

Am I crazy? Will I end up in a mental home?

I am in no way making this up or exaggerating, im a psychological wreck right now.

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I'm pretty sure that you don't have the "worst" type of OCD as you put it. If you read other posts you might see that we all have OCD but none of are us are special - we simply have OCD.

Edited by PhilM
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Agreed. We all might feel like we have the worst OCD but actually it's pretty much the same across the board, no matter the obsession and compulsions, no matter the "theme" is, it causes the same distress and suffering. Anyways, you could spend ur 30's having panic attacks or u could try and get some therapy if u aren't already having some? CBT specifically! You are not crazy and won't end up in a mental home, anxiety just makes us feel like we are losing our minds but we will not because anxiety doesn't make that happen! X

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Sorry all I didn't mean that nobody suffers as bad as me, it just FEELS that way.

I have just started CBT and been prescribed pregabalin ....so im not too far gone? There's real hope then? I genuinely thought I was going mad in my head!

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Just now, CHILLEDICE said:

so im not too far gone? There's real hope then?

Absolutely, Chilledice. More than mere hope - there's ability and expectation. Nobody is ever too far gone unless they've given up on themselves and stopped trying. 

CBT is the right way to proceed. :yes: 

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4 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Absolutely, Chilledice. More than mere hope - there's ability and expectation. Nobody is ever too far gone unless they've given up on themselves and stopped trying. 

CBT is the right way to proceed. :yes: 

I'm nearly in tears of gratitude here, thank you so much!

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Hi Chilledice and welcome to the forum, 

You don't need to be sorry, yes it can feel really bad at times. You are not alone, this forum is a wonderful place and everyone is so kind and caring. I joined a few months ago and it's helped me so much.

I'm so glad to hear that you are having CBT and I hope it goes really well for you. It's exactly the treatment that you need. 

Best wishes,

Em

Edited by Emsie
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My therapist says not to fight the intrusive thoughts but I feel guilty if I dont! For example when I get a blasphemous thought I counter it with Lord Jesus over and over again otherwise I feel responsible for the thoughts, is this common? 

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Hey, I hope u don't feel like I was getting at u for saying that, I was more pointing out that u deffo aren't alone in feeling that way! Don't apologise! I'm really glad ur getting CBT, you're deffo not too far gone, no matter how bad it seems if we engage in our therapy, as hard as it is, there is no reason we can't have a good recovery! That being said, it's not always easy after therapy but with the right tools we can try and nip it in the bud before it gets to full blown OCD meltdown mode!xx

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2 minutes ago, CHILLEDICE said:

My therapist says not to fight the intrusive thoughts but I feel guilty if I dont! For example when I get a blasphemous thought I counter it with Lord Jesus over and over again otherwise I feel responsible for the thoughts, is this common? 

Yep! Guilt is a massive symptom of OCD, we need to learn there's nothing to feel guilty about, having thoughts is not a crime! Everyone has them, they don't mean anything, can't harm anybody and say absolutely nothing of our characters, once we accept this, then we can learn not to react so badly to having the thoughts!xx

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11 minutes ago, CHILLEDICE said:

My therapist says not to fight the intrusive thoughts but I feel guilty if I dont! For example when I get a blasphemous thought I counter it with Lord Jesus over and over again otherwise I feel responsible for the thoughts, is this common? 

Your therapist is spot on. The countering of the thought is a compulsion and it keeps you stuck. 

Edited by Emsie
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Just now, PolarBear said:

What you need to learn is that those sayings you do after the bad thoughts are compulsions. They need to stop. They aren't making things better. In fact they're making things much worse for you.

Im just terrified I'll burn in hell if I dont.....I have to trust to not do the compulsions

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36 minutes ago, Wonderer said:

Hey, I hope u don't feel like I was getting at u for saying that, I was more pointing out that u deffo aren't alone in feeling that way! Don't apologise! I'm really glad ur getting CBT, you're deffo not too far gone, no matter how bad it seems if we engage in our therapy, as hard as it is, there is no reason we can't have a good recovery! That being said, it's not always easy after therapy but with the right tools we can try and nip it in the bud before it gets to full blown OCD meltdown mode!xx

Noooo i know you wasn't getting at me no worries :)

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15 hours ago, CHILLEDICE said:

For example when I get a blasphemous thought I counter it with Lord Jesus over and over again otherwise I feel responsible for the thoughts, is this common? 

Hi Chilledice, just a tip from a ex-Scrupulosity a.k.a Religious OCD sufferer, what you are doing is called Neutralising.

Scrupulosity sufferers often during the onset of their OCD like to use holy words, sacred verses, short prayers or holy imagery to mentally neutralise or cancel out an intrusive thought (usually about sin or sinful acts). This is a compulsion and is a BIG No Go for Scrupulosity sufferers. By doing this form of compulsion, the sufferer is feeding the intrusive thought - compulsion cycle. It will cause the sufferer to undergo even stronger, fiercer and more frequent intrusive thoughts later on. 

So, please avoid Neutralising as much as possible.

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6 minutes ago, St Mike said:

Hi Chilledice, just a tip from a ex-Scrupulosity a.k.a Religious OCD sufferer, what you are doing is called Neutralising.

Scrupulosity sufferers often during the onset of their OCD like to use holy words, sacred verses, short prayers or holy imagery to mentally neutralise or cancel out an intrusive thought (usually about sin or sinful acts). This is a compulsion and is a BIG No Go for Scrupulosity sufferers. By doing this form of compulsion, the sufferer is feeding the intrusive thought - compulsion cycle. It will cause the sufferer to undergo even stronger, fiercer and more frequent intrusive thoughts later on. 

So, please avoid Neutralising as much as possible.

I'm trying but I have this belief that if I DON'T do the compulsion then it means I mean those thoughts and end up in hell.....REALLY difficult but I will try.

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8 minutes ago, CHILLEDICE said:

I'm trying but I have this belief that if I DON'T do the compulsion then it means I mean those thoughts and end up in hell.....REALLY difficult but I will try.

I know, I went through exactly what you are going through now. I managed to recover after a long struggle. I wish you success in your battle against OCD.

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I see where your coming from, i often think i would rather have such and such form of OCD rather than my own, but that does not mean i assume there OCD is easier it's all down to the sufferers point of view.

Sure someone elses OCD would mean i can do all the things i enjoy when i want to, but i would still have to live with the fear of making someone else ill, harming someone else, or whatever the other persons OCD is so there would still be that fear

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