Obsessing has come back about past

[Lish]

Hi guys. Basically I've been doing really well. I left CBT successfully I'm March and have been doing really well set backs included. 

Even with moving house, getting over two family deaths and added pressure of my job since then I've still been managing it pretty well.

My OCD came back in full force two years ago after something traumatic happened to me during me being drunk, which I eventually had to tell my boyfriend about.

I have been through a number of traumatic things to say I'm only 23 but for some reason this one sticks. 

Since then I had OCD of all themes, couldn't leave the house and couldn't drive. However CBT helped me massively with this and I've been doing well for months.

Lately, this traumatic event has been coming back to me telling me I don't deserve my relationship, that I'm an awful person and don't deserve to be happy. Then I keep worrying that I wont ever be able to rid myself of this guilt, and that I'll never be able to forgive myself for putting myself in such a vulnerable position. Or that ill have to leave my boyfriend and be unhappy on my own. I honestly thought I had dealt with this as it came to a point where I just accepted the past and began to concentrate on my happiness again.

its also wanting me to confess more things which I did years and years ago and recognise this as a compulsion therefore I don't do it.

But when I start to forgive myself my ocd tells me that makes me a horrible person and I'm so selfish etc. I'm usually good at picking up on ruminating and cutting it off, but for this I struggle for some reason.

I keep going round in circles and I dont know why. Other ocd themes don't bother me at all these days but this one brings back a lot of uncomfortable and upsetting memories. 

Edited August 21, 2017 by Lish

[PolarBear]

Hunker down and put the brakes on your ruminating. Those thoughts you get that you're a bad person, etc., do not have to be responded to. That's your likely problem right there, is that you feel they need to be responded to, that you can't leave them unchallenged. But you can! You can set them aside and let them be, let them float around in your head, without giving them any attention whatsoever. That is the recovery way forward. You are under no obligation to give the OCD bully any attention at all.

[Lish]

10 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Hunker down and put the brakes on your ruminating. Those thoughts you get that you're a bad person, etc., do not have to be responded to. That's your likely problem right there, is that you feel they need to be responded to, that you can't leave them unchallenged. But you can! You can set them aside and let them be, let them float around in your head, without giving them any attention whatsoever. That is the recovery way forward. You are under no obligation to give the OCD bully any attention at all.

Thanks Polar Bear I always appreciate your advice.

I know what I'm doing wrong with ruminating so it annoys me, but because this is the root cause of my anxiety and because the memories of this event are distressing it does get me down. Especially when I remember how this affected my relationship so much.

I got to a point lately where I just shrugged it off, realised I can't change the past no matter how distressing it is.

Other themes I just shrug off because I know they're not real now. Sometimes i even invite them in to sit with me and face me head on, because they just dont bother me now and im not scared one bit. But because this one is it clings on to me. 

I know deep down this has changed me for the better but I can't seem to let it go. Me and my partner have just bought a house in order to start a future etc and I really don't want this hovering over me all the time.

Edited August 21, 2017 by Lish

[Lish]

Has anyone else experienced this where your OCD clings on to a real life event that you'd much rather forget?

Edited August 21, 2017 by Lish

[PolarBear]

OCD can fixate on almost anything.

[Lish]

29 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

OCD can fixate on almost anything.

Thank you. I knew it would fixate on this eventually because like I said this event was the root cause of this OCD relapse.

Would you agree to deal with this just in the same way that I dealt with my other previous themes?

[PolarBear]

If that means abiding by the principles  of CBT then yes.

[paradoxer]

Everyone is an 'awful' person. It's called being human. Just let it go. 

[Lish]

I'm not used to dealing with guilt though.  Especially when I have OCD too. I don't know how you forgive yourself. I don't know where to start. It's been 2 years and I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere. Anyone got tips on dealing with overwhelming obsessive guilt?

Edited August 22, 2017 by Lish

[Lish]

Im just struggling to come to acceptance even though i know thats what i need to do. Would watching videos on how to overcome guilty feelings be classed as a checking compulsion? As well as this, is replacing a bad memory with a good memory a safety behaviour? 

I know what I need to do I just need second of opinion from you guys. Like I've said I've done it before with other themes yet this is the most distressing. Like when I think back to the memory, it sometimes even makes me feel sick.

[Bobbie.W]

14 hours ago, Lish said:

Has anyone else experienced this where your OCD clings on to a real life event that you'd much rather forget?

Yes! If it was a lie I told, a time that I was in trouble or did something bad or even events that should be a pleasant memory, yet I seem to only think about the negative aspect of it. I would say to another person that they made mistakes and grow from the experience. But with myself, I am always a terrible person and feel like I have to confess my sins so that other people will see what a terrible person I am.... 

[snowbear]

2 hours ago, Lish said:

Would watching videos on how to overcome guilty feelings be classed as a checking compulsion? As well as this, is replacing a bad memory with a good memory a safety behaviour? 

If you watch multiple videos to reassure yourself that guilty feelings can be overcome without attempting to put into practise what you learn then that would make it a compulsion. If having seen the video you take on board the advice and practise it (without repeatedly going back and watching the video again and again) then it is a learning tool. Just be honest with yourself about why you're watching the videos and whether you're learning or self-reassuring. 

Replacing a bad memory with a good one is, in my opinion, both avoidance and pointless. You can't suppress bad memories long term. Better to deal with them; find out what makes them bad and come to terms with the feelings you have around the memory. That way it loses its power over you and becomes just another memory instead of a 'bad' memory that makes you uncomfortable every time it pops into your head. 

[Avo]

Ruminating about the past is one of my biggest compulsions, any event that I am not happy with or would rather not have happened often comes back to haunt me. In my CBT at the moment I am being advised to use mindfulness( in addition to the other things I am learning) to keep me in the present. It's not easy I grant you but I have been over many topics from the past too many times that is good for me.

You can't change it, people without OCD would quite likely put these things behind them but us with OCD feel compelled to beat ourselves up over them.  Also don't confess (this also is a big compulsion for me) it will provide only temporary relief but lead to a slippery slope and you will end up doing it more and more.

Try and remember what you learned in CBT and put those techniques into action.

[Lish]

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice. It really does mean a lot to me. 

I know deep down what I need to do and that is to live in the now and put all the past to bed. It's sad that I'm a 23 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her, yet this single event seems to have consumed all of that. When this event pops up I try to think in my head this is in the past and can't be helped. However I'm trying to stop that as I don't want it to turn in to a compulsion. 

Then I also try to block it out but I know that's not what you're meant to do either. I kind of have this belief that I put myself in a vulnerable position so this is my punishment, and I have to suffer.

I'm the same. All my mistakes seem to be highlighted yet things I've done good I forget about. It really does knock my self esteem but I know only I can change that. I just seem to be getting back to square one so obviously I'm doing something wrong.

I feel so mad that I put myself in such a vulnerable position for this to happen to me two years ago, and I know the only way to let it go is to accept it, move on and especially stop ruminating about it. Because I really can't be doing this my whole life! :/

Edited August 22, 2017 by Lish

[St Mike]

On 22/08/2017 at 23:09, Lish said:

Because I really can't be doing this my whole life! :/

No you wouldn't.

You are very young and have gone through a very traumatic experience, negative thoughts and/or emotions arising from this experience regardless of OCD don't just vanish, they can persist, 2 years is not a very long time ago in my opinion. Don't be too harsh on yourself, Lish.  

From what you have stated in your posts and the knowledge you have displayed, I am quite confident you can get through this episode.

You as well as myself know the enemy here is not the event itself, because that is already over. It is the intrusive thought/memory of the event that recurs and causing all the negative emotions to come forth. It is OCD that is attempting to suck you back into re-living the event, holding you back and sending you on the guilt trip. Many OCD sufferers find it very hard to forgive themselves. I am also at times, hard pressed to put how I forgave myself into words. From my experience, you forgive with your heart, not with your mind. Perhaps, it is the years of Metta (Loving-Kindness Buddhist) meditation I have practised that placed me in good stead to finally forgive myself with all my heart and chuck the guilt over the hill forever.

The best way I can describe the way I forgave myself is that I searched my heart, not my mind (pointless, since OCD has scrambled it) but OCD couldn't scrambled my heart because OCD scrambles the rational, but the heart is not bound by rationality. Don't take this statement as following the heart as being irrational, it just means the heart can expand beyond the boundaries of rationality because of kindness, compassion and forgiveness. E.g. There is a famine, there is not enough to eat, but yet people still share food, is it rational, strictly speaking? Nope, but it is because human beings have to capacity to feel for another person, to empathise, to share, to help someone who is suffering in spite of the detriment it might bring onto themselves. 

I tapped feelings of love, kindness, compassion and instead of applying it onto someone or something else, e.g. an old friend, a loved one, a sick relative, a sick animal, I applied it to myself. I was the sufferer, the one in pain, I want to get better and I want to receive the same type level of compassion and forgiveness when I give to someone I truly forgave, to me. I stop being "selfish" with the love, compassion and forgiveness and let me have some it myself. Basically, I started to be kind to myself.

With age, comes experience and wisdom. As I grew older and faced different situations, I became more mentally resilient. What we need to do is to learn from our mistakes and grow stronger from them and not be beaten down by them. This may sound cliché but it is a timeless truth.

You would too, in time to come as you grow and learn along the way in life. 

Be Kind to yourself, Lish, forgive yourself and let go of the past, there will be rain and sunshine, and everything in between. A whole wide world is there for you to explore with many good years and things for you to experience and enjoy as well as some for you to learn from.

Take care and Best Wishes,

- Mike

 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2017 by St Mike

[Lish]

On 24/08/2017 at 22:48, St Mike said:

No you wouldn't.

You are very young and have gone through a very traumatic experience, negative thoughts and/or emotions arising from this experience regardless of OCD don't just vanish, they can persist, 2 years is not a very long time ago in my opinion. Don't be too harsh on yourself, Lish.  

From what you have stated in your posts and the knowledge you have displayed, I am quite confident you can get through this episode.

You as well as myself know the enemy here is not the event itself, because that is already over. It is the intrusive thought/memory of the event that recurs and causing all the negative emotions to come forth. It is OCD that is attempting to suck you back into re-living the event, holding you back and sending you on the guilt trip. Many OCD sufferers find it very hard to forgive themselves. I am also at times, hard pressed to put how I forgave myself into words. From my experience, you forgive with your heart, not with your mind. Perhaps, it is the years of Metta (Loving-Kindness Buddhist) meditation I have practised that placed me in good stead to finally forgive myself with all my heart and chuck the guilt over the hill forever.

The best way I can describe the way I forgave myself is that I searched my heart, not my mind (pointless, since OCD has scrambled it) but OCD couldn't scrambled my heart because OCD scrambles the rational, but the heart is not bound by rationality. Don't take this statement as following the heart as being irrational, it just means the heart can expand beyond the boundaries of rationality because of kindness, compassion and forgiveness. E.g. There is a famine, there is not enough to eat, but yet people still share food, is it rational, strictly speaking? Nope, but it is because human beings have to capacity to feel for another person, to empathise, to share, to help someone who is suffering in spite of the detriment it might bring onto themselves. 

I tapped feelings of love, kindness, compassion and instead of applying it onto someone or something else, e.g. an old friend, a loved one, a sick relative, a sick animal, I applied it to myself. I was the sufferer, the one in pain, I want to get better and I want to receive the same type level of compassion and forgiveness when I give to someone I truly forgave, to me. I stop being "selfish" with the love, compassion and forgiveness and let me have some it myself. Basically, I started to be kind to myself.

With age, comes experience and wisdom. As I grew older and faced different situations, I became more mentally resilient. What we need to do is to learn from our mistakes and grow stronger from them and not be beaten down by them. This may sound cliché but it is a timeless truth.

You would too, in time to come as you grow and learn along the way in life. 

Be Kind to yourself, Lish, forgive yourself and let go of the past, there will be rain and sunshine, and everything in between. A whole wide world is there for you to explore with many good years and things for you to experience and enjoy as well as some for you to learn from.

Take care and Best Wishes,

- Mike

 

 

 

Mike, what a lovely piece of advice. I do indeed know that it is ocd trying tp suck me back in, and you are right it's not the actual event but rather the  ruminating of the event.

I have been doing a lot better lately and been able to get on with my days and actually enjoy myself which I haven't been able to do for a long time! I've noticed that no matter how much ruminating I do about the event it isn't going to change anything or make anything better, so the only option I have is to forgive myself.

I am now able to realise that I am a worthy person who is deserving of happiness. I have suffered for too long. I am able to accept what has happened and accept that I am human and I made a mistake. 

Since then my ocd has backed off this topic as I'm done giving it the time of day. It is moving on to different themes every day but I am trying my best just to accept them as thoughts and surrender to my anxiety, as I know doing this will allow it to diminish. Anxiety loves nothing more than  a good fight and a good battle to keep its power, I've finally realised this, and I'm not going to give it what it wants. I do feel very weird some days but I know not doing my rituals will help me in the long run. It is trying it's best to hang on, but I'm not giving in. Thank you again for your lovely advice, and I really hope you are well. 

Lish.