Obsessing over the past

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi all,

Hope you're well.  I've not posted here in a while but I wondered if I could get some  advice on whether I should treat something as OCD or not.

I have long experienced huge guilt over my behaviour when I was younger, from the age of about 17 to 20 (when I sorted myself out).  I used to get blindly drunk on a regular basis and I behaved really badly, including saying many hurtful things to people I care very deeply about. I would always apologise the next day (if I remembered!) but it's a bit hollow when you just go and do it again a few nights later.  This was a long time ago now, 11-12 years +, and I haven't drunk to excess since then, but I still think about it on a regular basis (it probably pops into my mind probably at least once a day).  

I ask my partner to reassure me about this a lot, which as you can imagine she finds kind of annoying.  She says that what I did probably wasn't that bad (it was) and even if it was, it's done and in the past, so what's the point in rehashing it.  She thinks this is OCD and I agree there are elements to it that feel like OCD (the uncertainty,, going round and round in circles, etc).

The thing I find difficult to resolve about this is whether it is just anxiety, or a problem I need to resolve in some way.  I cringe, right to my core, when I think about it.  I keep asking my partner if I should apologise to the people involved.  She is adamant that it would re-surface things that are dead and buried and not do any good, and might even affect my relationship with my friends (which is  very good).  To some extent I see her point, but when you google this kind of thing (I know, I know, big mistake) people agree that it is important to make amends for past misdemeanours.  Indeed it is a major step in the AA 12 steps (not that I was an alcoholic, but the principle is sort of the same).

Any thoughts?

Many thanks

GBG x

[Gemma7]

Hi GBG, sorry to hear you are struggling with this.

Ok so I reckon this isn't OCD as such (or it might be) but it could fuel some OCD like behaviours that result in OCD. Like certain checks or making sure you're not a bad person etc. 

Anyway can I recommend the book CBT for OCD, it's the therapist version of Break free from OCD and has some interesting thoughts on how to deal with shame and being compassionate to ourselves. It might just give you some extra tools to help

[Lynz]

Hi GBG, your partner is right that it is OCD. As you've already said it was a long time ago and the fact that you're obsessing and ruminating over it to me suggests it's OCD, as well as you frequently seeking reassurance from your partner.

Just remember OCD sufferers tend to catastrophise everything, and you probably believe that how you behaved was horrendous and was MUCH worse than how other teenagers behaved when it probably wasn't. It's quite normal for teenagers to drink too much and then act badly. It doesn't excuse it but remember that you have grown up and stopped behaving like that and so you've moved on and learned from the experience. 

If you really want to make amends then I guess it wouldn't do any harm to contact the people involved and apologise for how you behaved back then, but I would ensure that this is only done once and then leave it at that. Don't use it as a gateway to further rumination or reassurance seeking etc. I guess it's your call on whether you do that or not. If it was me then I would do so only if I was still in contact with the people involved. If you haven't spoken to them in like 10+ years however then I would suggest it would be better to leave it in the past. That is how I would approach it anyway.

[Lynz]

15 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

Ok so I reckon this isn't OCD as such (or it might be) but it could fuel some OCD like behaviours that result in OCD. Like certain checks or making sure you're not a bad person etc. 

It's interesting that both Gemma and I have come to a different opinion over whether it's OCD or not! 

My reasoning for thinking it is OCD is because GBG says the thoughts about the past pop into her head at least once a day, and she is doing compulsions such as frequently seeking reassurance, googling, checking etc. For me the fact that she says the thoughts happen daily over an incident that happened a long time ago suggests it's OCD, as people without OCD would not ruminate over an incident that happened a long time ago every single day, get anxious over it and then do compulsions.

[Gemma7]

6 minutes ago, Lynz said:

It's interesting that both Gemma and I have come to a different opinion over whether it's OCD or not! 

Ha I know

I guess for me it's sort of irrelevant if it's OCD or not. GBG knows how to apply therapy already, for me it suggests that there's something more needed, a different approach. If thoughts and thinking are making you unhappy which they clearly are, then you need to look for how you can approach them differently when the tools you've learnt already from CBT don't seem enough. 

[Rucker]

Aren't repetitive feelings of  excessive guilt connected to OCD? I know I often feel bad about things I've done or perceive I've done. Somethings justly, some I can't even recall if they were that bad or if I have even done them at all (intrusive thoughts)

Everyone has done things they regret or feel guilty about from their past.  You've said you have apologised usually at the time and that it was a long time ago so maybe those people might not even recall it.  Maybe it's better to focus on having good/nice/pleasant behaviour into the future instead?

JC

[Ashley]

1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

The thing I find difficult to resolve about this is whether it is just anxiety, or a problem I need to resolve in some way.

It is indeed a problem, not one you need to resolve with friends, but an OCD problem (which it clearly is, like others have suggested). It sounds like a combination of OCD needing some kind of certainty and guilt, Gemma is right being more compassionate to yourself is important too. We all make mistakes and say silly things, but we should not be beating ourselves up about it 10 years later. 

1 hour ago, Lynz said:

Just remember OCD sufferers tend to catastrophise everything

I think you do need to address it, but not with the people from the time (your partner is right, it wont help) but with however you deal with your OCD.   I would suggest treat it as an OCD problem (the guilt aspect), not a real life problem. 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thank you very much Lynz, Gemma, Ashley and Rucker for your input and advice, very much appreciated xx