Jump to content

I can never have a relationship. Please read.


Guest Paul92

Recommended Posts

Guest Paul92

Good evening.

I hope you are all well. 

I will apologise now for what is about to follow, but I hope you can spare me a few moments to try and explain myself. This could be my last ever post on this forum, I just want to explain myself and would like to gauge your thoughts on what direction my life should now take. I'm at a crossroads and I simply do not know which way to turn. These last few days have been full of contemplation, and I need to find the right path and stick to it. 

I have always tried to live my life guided by the following, 'the right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do'. Never has this felt as pertinent as it does right now. 

As some of might be aware, from my previous posts, I've been in a battle with my own mind now for almost six years (I'm now 25). Whilst I have never had a professional and official diagnosis of OCD, I believe that I do have some form of it. Some of you may also know that I tried getting help with my mental health a couple of years ago, and it didn't go well.

To be honest, I don't hold anything against the mental health workers who I dealt with. They were doing their jobs, and given the nature of what I disclosed, they had to err on the side of caution. I confessed some quite awful stuff to them too, which would understandably raise suspicions. 

I lived in fear of being a certain type of person (I don't want to say specifically, but the lowest of the low). This went on for a number of years. Finally, I cracked. I thought, I might as well accept what I am. For the first 20 years of my life, I never had these thoughts and feelings. But they became real and a part of me. So I began to accept. 

It escalated and it evolved. I did things to 'confirm' who I was. Things that, today, only fill my heart with dread and shame. 

All the time I was doing this, I knew it was wrong. Though, I must explain, it stopped being a 'ritual' about confirming who I was. I just thought "why not, it's who you are, this is a controlled way of dealing with it". However, a few times, it went too far. I have confided to forum members about what I did. Even then, I felt shame. But it continued. 

I became a deviant, despite never having any interest in these things for the majority of my life. I will admit that, to an extent, I found it pleasurable. 

Quite a while ago now, it all stopped. Of course, all along I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I found myself genuinely losing interest and becoming disgusted with myself. 

Today, hand on heart, I have no desire to repeat what I did. There is nothing. All that stuff just disgusts me. It might sound ludicrous, but I feel as though I was a different person during that period. I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that again. I'm a different person - I have rekindled hobbies, I'm studying again and I'm being more sociable than ever. I try not to think about what I did throughout that time in my life, but I guess it won't ever leave me and I have to live with consequences of my actions. It might sound equally as ludicrous to suggest that those experiences have only served to make me a better person. I believe I am a better person today than I was a few years ago. 

The problem is, I understand that the above simply does not cut it. There is no excuse for what I did, and I really do think that whilst it was undoubtedly born out of OCD, it evolved into something else. 

As some of you may also know, I've sort of been falling for a girl I've known at work for a couple of years now. Cutting it short, she's perfect. A month ago or so, I thought the idea of me and her getting together was dead in the water. Now, things seem to have changed. 

I'm not particularly a religious man, but I made a deal with God over a year and half ago. I actually preyed and promised that should he bring her fully into my life, I will believe in him and I will do everything I can to live a righteous life (I know, you might think I've gone mad here, but I don't have the words to describe what I feel for this girl ... and I have always felt I would need divine intervention to help me be with her.)I have never really tried to impress her ... I have made it clear that I liked her, but I've never put her under any pressure; I've always kept my distance and respected her free will. 

Things have changed and there seems to be an indication that she might be interested in becoming more than friends. Naturally, for a while, I felt nothing but sheer euphoria. Until a few days ago when it hit me like a train: I don't think I can be with her.

I have a past. 

She's a nice girl: educated, smart, funny, beautiful. She's my dream partner, and we get on so well. 

But how can I look her in the eye and pretend to be this nice guy when not so long ago I was doing those things. I knew her at the time. All I keep thinking is, "if she knew, she wouldn't ever want to see you again", and that's understandable. 

People might say, "you can't change the past, leave it there". But this is her life I have to consider. What I did wasn't a minor indiscretion. How can I look her in the eye? She deserves better. 

Whatever happens to me, I have to say a few things. I'm sorry for what I did and I know better than anyone how I am not that person any more. In fact, the entire 'theme' seems to have left me now. Occasionally it might come back, but I can bat it off. 

You might be wondering whether I even have OCD. I do sometimes wonder, too. In my last relationship, I had to confess everything I did. It got to the point where I broke down crying in front of my girlfriend if I saw a girl in the street that I thought was attractive. I felt I had been unfaithful and she deserved to know everything that I thought and everything about me. In fact, she did. Earlier in our relationship, before I got like this, we had arguments because I had kept things from her. In the end, I couldn't keep ANYTHING from her or I would be sat in floods of tears contemplating killing myself. I have spent hours thinking about things I've done in the past and how it moulds who I am today. I have demonstrated other OCD-like behaviour too. For example, driving around countless times to check I hadn't run someone over in the street. As I understand it, these things are all OCD-like behaviours. 

In a relationship, I give everything. This girl now, I am mad about her. It's a cliche, but I know nobody couldn't possibly think of her like I do. I tell God sometimes (if he's listening) that nobody would protect, love, comfort, support and cherish her as much as me, should he give me the chance. And I truly don't think anyone could. 

I don't want to keep secrets. I want to be completely open. I'm the most honest person you could meet. But I could never expect her to accept everything I have done. I am terrified how she would react, so how could I be with her?

But what's the right thing to do? I'm not the person she thinks I am. Am I?

The hard thing to do would be to cool it with her and let her go. She's leaving to go work elsewhere soon, so I wouldn't have to see her and I could cut contact with her outside of work. 

I appreciate that, essentially, I am getting my just reward. 

What should I do? Be frank with me, please. I am sure you can get guess the nature of my past, it's too much to try and hide, isn't it?

As I say, whatever becomes of me, I just want it to be known that I tried to be a good person, and I always will. I've done some horrible, horrible things and I am sorry for that.

I'm as soft as a brush. I've never harmed anyone, and I never will. 

It's best that I let her go, isn't it? It seems like the hardest thing to do ... which means it's probably the right thing. 

 

Thank you for listening to me. 

 

Anyone kind enough to reply to me, I will forever be grateful. 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment

Hi Paul. Your post just radiates how remorseful you are. I don't know the nature of your transgressions. And I don't need to know. We've all done things in our past of which we're thoroughly ashamed. As you correctly identify, you're a different fella now. We only get one life. Nobody benefits from yours being wasted because of an inability to forgive yourself. Noone on this earth deserves happiness by right. But I don't believe you deserve to be forever miserable either. Be with this girl, if it's what you both want. Demonstrate through your relationship how loving and compassionate you can be. Give your life fresh meaning. The past will always be there. But it will also always be the past. Time to start again pal. I wish you well. ?

Link to comment
Guest Paul92
24 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi Paul. Your post just radiates how remorseful you are. I don't know the nature of your transgressions. And I don't need to know. We've all done things in our past of which we're thoroughly ashamed. As you correctly identify, you're a different fella now. We only get one life. Nobody benefits from yours being wasted because of an inability to forgive yourself. Noone on this earth deserves happiness by right. But I don't believe you deserve to be forever miserable either. Be with this girl, if it's what you both want. Demonstrate through your relationship how loving and compassionate you can be. Give your life fresh meaning. The past will always be there. But it will also always be the past. Time to start again pal. I wish you well. ?

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. 

It was a strange time in my life. A period I'm clearly going to regret for some time. My behaviour was inappropriate ...

It's what I want more than anything. I swear I'd do anything for this girl. I just don't know if I can keep this from her ... she would have a right to know. And if she knew, that would be the end. 

I guess I have answered my own questions.

Thanks again. 

Link to comment
13 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. 

It was a strange time in my life. A period I'm clearly going to regret for some time. My behaviour was inappropriate ...

It's what I want more than anything. I swear I'd do anything for this girl. I just don't know if I can keep this from her ... she would have a right to know. And if she knew, that would be the end. 

I guess I have answered my own questions.

Thanks again. 

A partner doesn't need to know who you've been Paul. Only who you are, and who you're going to be.

Link to comment

You are, right now, asking for reassurance. Thats a compulsion as clear as washing your hands repeatedly.

Your story is similar to mine but I got caught and ended up in trouble with the law. I recovered and wrote a book about the experience. My story is out there in the open for the work to see. 

You know what the biggest milestone of my recovery was? Forgiving myself. I forgave myself for all my past transgressions and I made peace with me. It was crucially important. No matter what you do about this woman, you must reach that point on your own or you will be banished to a wasteland where you continually beat yourself up. You'll never fully engage with anyone because youll always feel you don't deserve kindness and love.

You had a terrible experience with mental health professionals before but that doesn't mean you give up on recovery.

Fine, you say the thoughts don't bother you anymore. What are you going to do if they do start bothering you? You still need help. Very carefully accessed help. I was fortunate in that I went to a psychiatrist who saw through what I did and saw what I was going through.

You are under no obligation to tell anyone anything. Perhaps at one point you can broach the subject that you have OCD.

You are infatuated with this woman and have been for some time. But getting together with her is not going to end the inner turmoil you are going through.

Link to comment
Guest Paul92

I don't feel I deserve happiness, no. I made some very bad decisions. I just don't see how I could possibly keep that from anyone, especially someone I care so much about. 

I keep thinking 'what if she knew?' - and I swear it turns my stomach. I've lost my appetite this morning and I just want to stay in bed.

i accept I did something bad. I accept it. I'll have to learn that your actions have consequences. No woman would ever be able to forgive what I have done, nor would I expect them to. 

All this time I have spent with her, I have concerned myself with trying to be in a position to be with her. All the stuff I have done is in the past and I never really thought about it. At times it popped into my mind, but I always thought I'd cross that bridge when I got to it. 

But these last few days have been awful. She gave me the biggest indication yet that perhaps we could be something. Ever since, I've been in meltdown. 

I don't want her to be mixed up with what I've done. She's too nice a girl to have to deal with it. I just want to be with her more than anything I've ever wanted. 

Maybe this is my punishment?

i appreciate I'm going around in circles. A week ago, I was happy and optimistic. Now I feel like I've got nothing. Whatever girl comes along I'll always be the same. I'll never have a partner again, get married, have a family... what is the point then? I'm living for the sake of it.

Link to comment

Hi Paul

I would agree with the other posters.  We have all done wrong in our times, and you would be surprised about the secrets many hearts carry.  I know, I have been in jobs in sexual health and counselling and have met people who have been on the Sex Offenders Register and turned over a new leaf, or who have all manner of pasts - criminal, anti-social, drugs and alcohol, whatever.  

As OceanDweller says - you're remorseful.  If there is a God, then that's all it/he/she requires of us.  

I wish you every success and say you should enjoy the new opportunities this relationship brings with it.  

Everyone deserves to be happy.  

Tez :yes:

 

Link to comment

Hi Paul

Can I just say - I know what you mean about 'confirming' things because I've done that too to myself and it's part of the OCD cycle, trying to prove a point. And OCD makes us do crazy things. It was the OCD, not you.

Also, don't worry; the God I believe in knows your heart and he knows you care greatly for this girl. We all do stupid things that we regret; we all have a past. This girl is probably lovely but she's probably not perfect either! We all do things we regret that we can't change; what matters is now. I know this is all a bit simple but you are clearly a really lovely guy. But also be kind with yourself, you know?

C x

Link to comment

This is by far one of the posts where absolutely accurate, perfect advice, kindness and insight converged. It is given with such heart-felt experience without the veneer of (unnecessary) psychological terminology. You are very lucky Paul to receive such advice. I really hope you try your best to heed them.

21 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi Paul. Your post just radiates how remorseful you are. I don't know the nature of your transgressions. And I don't need to know. We've all done things in our past of which we're thoroughly ashamed. As you correctly identify, you're a different fella now. We only get one life. Nobody benefits from yours being wasted because of an inability to forgive yourself.

Wonderfully put, OD.

Paul, you have a choice and only one life. Time and tide waits for no man, don't miss the opportunity for happiness just because of OCD.

20 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You know what the biggest milestone of my recovery was? Forgiving myself. I forgave myself for all my past transgressions and I made peace with me. It was crucially important. No matter what you do about this woman, you must reach that point on your own or you will be banished to a wasteland where you continually beat yourself up. You'll never fully engage with anyone because youll always feel you don't deserve kindness and love.

The same thing could and did came out of my mouth. The turning point for me too, was when I forgave myself. It wiped the slate clean and I no longer looked back and I started to live life afresh. I may not be the richest, the smartest, the highest ranking, but I do my best and accept what I am now. I treat myself, family and friends with kind words, good food and good advice. Things can always be a little better (is it always the case?) but by and large, I am happy and free from the clutches of OCD. I started to live life with a sense of contentment, burying the past forever. You could do the same Paul. Evident with what Polar Bear and I have done.

20 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You are under no obligation to tell anyone anything. Perhaps at one point you can broach the subject that you have OCD.

You are infatuated with this woman and have been for some time. But getting together with her is not going to end the inner turmoil you are going through.

I totally agree with this point. Paul, you need to get professional help with your OCD regardless of whether you are with this girl or not. 

6 hours ago, Tez said:

I know, I have been in jobs in sexual health and counselling and have met people who have been on the Sex Offenders Register and turned over a new leaf, or who have all manner of pasts - criminal, anti-social, drugs and alcohol, whatever.  

Sinners can become Saints. Everyone can change for the better. 

5 hours ago, Cub said:

We all do stupid things that we regret; we all have a past. This girl is probably lovely but she's probably not perfect either! We all do things we regret that we can't change; what matters is now.

For you and for her, all that matters is now.

6 hours ago, Tez said:

Everyone deserves to be happy.  

One simple line says it all. Thanks, Tez.

Best Wishes, Paul

- Mike

Link to comment
Guest Paul92

Thank you all so much for taking time out to write your replies to me. Honestly, you'll never know how much I appreciate it. 

 

Mike, I agree, it's wonderful advice. Advice I would find myself giving other people. It's just so hard to apply to myself.

 

Im trying not to go around in circles but it is so difficult. As I said in my original post, I have no desire to repeat those behaviours. It was something I did a handful of times before I threw it off because it wasn't me. Today, it disgusts me. 

 

The thing is, I know I'm not an inherently bad person. I have a huge heart. I hate to see pain and suffering and I'll always put others before myself. I think this girl is truly, truly wonderful and I just want the chance to give her the best life she could ever have. But I don't want to keep things from her, and I want to be able to look her in the eye and be honest with her. 

 

Imagine how how you'd feel if someone close to you had essentially lied to you about their past? You'd feel cheated, surely? 

 

I can honestly say it's all in the past but I'm scared it might come back and ruin everything. And it'd be my own fault. I'd rather die than see her hurt. 

 

Thank  you all so much. I'm not in a great place at all. 

Link to comment

Hi Paul, there is no need to respond to what I am going add here. You have a gentle spirit and I just want to help you balance out your thoughts.

OCD aside and your past actions aside, do you realise that all you have mentioned are just based on your own assumptions on how events will turn out?

These are some points which I want to highlight here:

1. You haven't lied to this girl, you haven't done anything wrong to this girl. You and her are not even committed in anyway yet.

 

2. You may want to choose to reveal your past as the relationship progresses and when both of you decide to take the relationship to the next level, that is your choice and yours to make whatever anyone (myself included) here or elsewhere says. 

 

3. You are assuming that she will see you for the man whom you were in the past, not the man you are now.

There are relationships where both partners know eachother's past very well and accepted that whatever wrong they did was in the past and they are no longer that person from the past, they have changed and became much better individuals. And very often these relationships are rock solid because they are completely honest with eachother.

 

4. Have you ever considered the immense ability of a human being to forgive another human being?

You can't forgive yourself for what you did in the past and that is why you are assuming that this girl will also not forgive you. How you would know that this girl whom you are interested in doesn't have a heart big enough to forgive you for your past?

 

Instead of catastrophising, why not just put everything aside and take each step, one at a time. Enjoy the friendship and allow the relationship to develop naturally, because no one really knows what is going to happen. She might or might not be the one, literally speaking.

Life as you know it, can meander at very acute angles and really only "Heaven" knows. 

Link to comment
Guest Paul92

Thank you for your reply St Mike, I properly appreciate it.

Sorry for the delayed reply. I've been out of the country and not had proper internet access. 

I've returned to learn that this girl has left early. And it would seem I might have gotten the wrong end of the stick. Long story short, I don't think I will ever see her again.

Gutted is an understatement. 

Bless you all for your time and patience. I don't know where I go from here. I just want to crawl in a hole. 

Link to comment
Guest Paul92
9 minutes ago, Petal said:

Paul what did you to do to confirm your thoughts you were that person? I hope you didn't hurt anyone. I have thoughts I have done those things if it's what I'm thinking but despite the feelings feeling so real I know they didn't happen! Polar bear what's the name of your book? X

No, I never hurt anyone. I wouldn't harm a thing in the world. 

I think I'll take some time away. I just want to live a peaceful existence on my own now. I'm not asking for anything from anyone any more.. I'll just try and do some good for however long I am here. 

Thanks everyone and bless you all. You're all wonderful. 

Link to comment
5 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

No, I never hurt anyone. I wouldn't harm a thing in the world. 

I think I'll take some time away. I just want to live a peaceful existence on my own now. I'm not asking for anything from anyone any more.. I'll just try and do some good for however long I am here. 

Thanks everyone and bless you all. You're all wonderful. 

I wouldn't withdraw if I were you Paul. That just reinforces your mistaken belief that you don't deserve support and compassion. Hang around. You're good for the forum.

Link to comment

You are free to decide what's best for you, Paul.

Whether you choose to be alone or with someone else, I will suggest that you come to terms with your past and totally, 100%, forgive yourself and bury it forever. You will not find peace or happiness if you are unable to let go of the guilt. OCD will not let you go even if you choose to be alone. For as long as the guilt is present, OCD will find ways to continue to perpetuate the guilt. Look what it has done to you in the handling of this relationship with this girl. I know first hand how destructive guilt can be. It took me almost 7 long years until one day I realised it was totally blown out of proportion to whatever I had done wrong. All the time wasted on senseless ruminations, compulsive physical and mental confessions. I remember how while having a romantic dinner with a wonderful girl, instead of focusing on her cute simile and mischievous laugh, half my mind was doing mental confessions, apologising to heaven for my supposed wrong-doings. I was really an idiot and a fool to listen to the great trickster that is OCD.

On 24/08/2017 at 05:55, PolarBear said:

you must reach that point on your own or you will be banished to a wasteland where you continually beat yourself up. You'll never fully engage with anyone because youll always feel you don't deserve kindness and love.

This statement from Polar Bear is priceless.

To me OCD is a disorder of not being able to let go and Forgiveness is the one of the strongest forms of letting go. When I started to forgive myself, my ability to let go became stronger and OCD started to lose its grip on me. I lost the urge to do compulsions because there was nothing to feel guilty about. After I had forgiven myself, I realised OCD caused me to hoard all the love and compassion away from the person who needed it most, ME! This is the one of the most wretched things that OCD does to the sufferer. It causes the sufferer to become selfish with love and compassion, hoards it and withholds it from the very person who needs it most - The Sufferer. That is why you so often hear sufferers say they hate themselves, how could they have thought of something like that, they deserve to be punished, they don't deserve love, compassion etc when in fact it is the exact opposite. If only the sufferer can open their hearts to themselves, stop being selfish towards themselves, start to be more generous with themselves, give themselves all the love, compassion and forgiveness they need; that would reduce so much suffering and heartaches and start them on the path to recovery.

Take care Paul, I hope you are able to find good professional help with your OCD and maybe one day soon see you write a post on the peace and love you find for yourself and with someone else.

- Mike

 

 

 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...