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This is it. Is this normal?


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I am severe, it effects me to the point where i cant function.

Its been going on for most of my life.

Its ruined my life.

Ive never been without worry or fear or both.

I have seen people who have worked with ocd patients for many years who have delt with probably thousands of cases. One i saw had been in the profession for many years, he retired he was getting old!

I know the ruminating etc is the illness

But the 'event' has to have been caused by ocd,  its not just the aftermath and ruminating its the actual event thats effected me, the urges the obsessions, the feelings, obviously it has to be an 'event' or i wouldnt have anything TO be ruminating over now.

So i am told its ALL OCD

And i am trying so hard to believe. 

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I am under the care of consultant physciatrists who study the illness, and mental health in general, so i accept your advice but cant agree with everything.

To say im not severe, these people have met me and seen how it effects me. 

My life is hell day after day, im on maximum doses of meds.

Anxiety wont kill me but words can definately set me back, i am very sensitive to it

And after all guess how it started?

Looking up forgiveness ONLINE

Leading me to read peoples comments, thinking WHAT is this sin?! To checking what it is to violent and relentless intrusive thoughts, allergic reactions to drugs, constant panic attacks, etc and the battle still goes on..all because of peoples comments online. 

"what if i spoke under my breath but didnt know"  - guess where i read that...online. I read someone elses problem and take it on myself.

Its so unfair.

I cant tell you how many ocds i have had and still have alongside this one.

I dream of having one special celebration like my birthday or Christmas day where i dont feel like i dont deserve it and have it nagging at me and spoiling everything for me.

 

 

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It saddens me when people cling tight to the belief they are 'a severe case' and defend their belief by saying they were told it by experts.:(  If those experts failed to also tell you that the 'worst case' is no harder to treat and recover from than a mild case then they weren't as expert as they think. 

This belief in how badly you're affected has clearly become part of your identity and defending it so vehemently shows you're scared to let that identity go. The problem is this sort of thinking becomes a huge barrier to getting well all by itself. 

Start creating a new identity for yourself that doesn't have OCD as it's core. (This is part of recovery and should be covered by any good therapist, but you can get a head start by thinking about it now.)

And before you go off on another round of '...but I can't function, but it's been there all my life, but it's ruined my life...' :crybaby:  that's true of many thousands who've passed through this forum.

And it's all irrelevant. 

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Irrelevant? 

Its severe when it takes over everything you do. And its proven along with many other forms of mental illness the sooner its treated the better and more chance of recovery. It gets more difficult the more severe it is...like a physical illness..early treatment is better.. Or it worsens and is harder to fix.

I know it all works the same but the longer its taken over your brain and thought patterns the harder it is to retrain.

They have already told me -

Seperate the two

Me..and Ocd

Two different entities

I am not my illness

Im working on this

:(

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Nobody is angry with you, odsufferer.

It's easy to misinterpret being challenged in a positive way as anger when you're upset. 

Nobody is ignoring you either. We've heard you and understand what you're asking. But are you listening to the replies? Are you taking on board the answers you've been given or only listening out for the reassurance you seek and think you're not being heard when you don't get it?

So, you felt positive when you set out and now you don't. Why is that? :unsure: Could it be because you set out expecting to find reassurance and believing that once you got it you'd feel better?

You were given various forms of reassurance in this thread, but it wasn't the exact reassurance you wanted to hear so it hasn't satisfied you. Now you've also learned that reassurance won't make you feel better and that to go on searching for it is what is keeping you stuck. 

No wonder you feel less positive now. 

Time to give yourself a spoonful of sugar to go with the nasty medicine. :yucky: 

Take a break. Step away from this for a few hours (longer if you can.) Get off the computer and do something else that occupies your mind so you can't ruminate.

Tomorrow have another read through the advice you've been given and see if any of it is starting to make sense. Consider making a brief list of the things you need to work on.

1. Create a new self-identity that isn't centred on your OCD

2. Accept recovery isn't dependant on factors such as length of time you've had OCD or how badly it restricts your life

2. Stop yourself from ruminating and analysing

3. Stop yourself from seeking reassurance and understand it won't help

4. Learn to live with uncertainty and let go of the past.

Put like that hopefully it doesn't seem such a huge task any more? :) 

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Well, I have just been diagnosed as moderate to severe and I myself consider my ocd to be severe, due to how I have spent most of the past 5 months in bed day and night because I just couldn't face life.

BUT, I forced myself out of the bed 3 weeks ago, partly due to all the constructive advice I have been given by the experienced members here.

I have finally grasped that recovery is largely due to the mindset we CHOOSE to adopt. I have chosen to fight ocd for my life back, and you can make that same choice. Dig deep to find your courage. We all have within us the resolve to fight our way back to health and happiness.

I wish you well.

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Im abit confused to be honest, im not sure who to listen to, i have professionals who specialise in it and treating it, but you are sort of contradicting them. :(

Mega confusing.

I dont want to create more anxiety, i just want to recover.

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The simple fact is, you are engaging with the thoughts with compulsions and you are allowing your desire to know the big answer get in the way of recovery.

Warning: No therapy will work if you refuse to give up your search to know the answer.

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Nope and when i dont i'm not happy either.  I never wanted any of this. 

Crazy, the more i tried to make sure i was 'safe' the more anxious i have gotten.

Trying to not have problems has caused endless problems!

I went from working to having a mega responsibility ocd attack. 

I was so afraid that i looked up forgiveness... Which Lead to reading things online, quotes from the bible etc

To a massive battle with ocd thoughts 

To where i am now.

Its just crazy how easily my life was destroyed. 

I have never been happy due to such anxiety since a very young age, but nothing matches up to now.

Im determined to Beat it.

Ive spent too long feeling like i want to not be here with this horrendous shadow hanging over me.

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On 28/08/2017 at 23:15, snowbear said:

You feel guilty because you ruminate on the thoughts that create feelings of guilt. 

Ruminating creates the guilt and the guilt leads to more ruminating, so round and round you go.

You're looking for a fix IN the cycle of guilt and rumination, but there isn't one. The fix is to break free of the cycle: stop ruminating and let go of the guilty feelings. 

It's important to understand that letting go of guilty feelings isn't about letting yourself off a hook. Nor is it confirmation that you have or haven't something to feel guilty about.

Letting go of the guilty feelings means stop sending yourself round another ruminative cycle just because you feel guilty. Or to put it another way;

Stop using guilty feelings as an excuse to keep ruminating, to keep searching for certainty and answers. 

This has been really helpful to read. 

Edited by Em00
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This is more ruminating i know but i feel alittle clearer and sort of see bits of illness..how it can trick you.

Hopefully i will start to see it for what it is and not this blown up thing.

However i keep feeling nagged by it 

Im still feeling guilty for engaging in these 'unwanted' thoughts about my fear.

Like i saw what the potential problem would be...

But i allowed myself to think about it further. Thought after thought came but i was ok 

(because i was so certain in my mind it would never trick me into doing it)

Ocd wasnt happy that i wasnt freaking out despite freezing up

When i checked and felt that relief i mentioned i wanted it to be left there. My plan was to avoid all these thoughts and shut them out. Not let this ocd have the time of day.

So after this when i Suddenly felt like i had done something, the guilt came because i felt like i had taken my safety for granted earlier and it Lead to this 'mistake' 

Why did i listen to these horrible ideas if all it will Lead to is extreme anxiety and guilt.

Im treating it like i set out to do wrong, i am constantly beating myself up and have painted this picture that i was just some horrible person set out to break rules and its all my doing.

Like someone who didnt care 

But the difference is i DO care.

I DONT want to act Inappropriate and the very thought of being some careless horrible person makes my stomach churn.

I am puzzled as to how i had this ultimate fear and i somehow think i was careless and let it come true when it was so so abhorent to me.

I tell myself i failed.

Well (ocd tells me)

I have this voice saying "its your fault, you know it is"

Its horrible. 

To feel like you are your biggest fear.

The frustration of wanting to react differently, being caught off guard in that moment, i wasnt fully prepared for the attack.

I wish i was able to react well...but the moment i try and relax it comes to bite me

Its no wonder i dont let myself chill out. As soon as i dont moniter myself this happens 

A blown up memory where i dont even know the real and fake parts. Even immediately after i felt i was exaggerating to fill in the missing parts that were never there. 

 

Edited by ocdsufferer85
Hadnt finished
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This thread is full on.

Lots of cruel to be kind going on, that doesn't always work for everybody. You need a therapist who can work with you collaboratively by the sound of it.

My experience is that I will never be belittled into wellness, it doesn't work for me, I need empathy and support. I also need to understand the concepts behind CBT and not 'just do it because......'

Just my thoughts.

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59 minutes ago, Taffy said:

This thread is full on.

Lots of cruel to be kind going on, that doesn't always work for everybody. You need a therapist who can work with you collaboratively by the sound of it.

My experience is that I will never be belittled into wellness, it doesn't work for me, I need empathy and support. I also need to understand the concepts behind CBT and not 'just do it because......'

Just my thoughts.

Thank you Taffy, i thought it was just me, but yeah, empathy and support goes a long way because the illness is bad enough. 

Alot of CBT therapy ive had they seem to see a general picture of ocd and group us all together. I want to discuss how MY head works (or doesnt!) i need support not "do this because you have to..." 

I actually solved other ocds by my own methods...not from therapists advice. It worked Pretty damn well.

Thanks again! 

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Maybe it shouldn't be so important to you.

As for the comments about the lack of empathy in this thread, you are welcome to your opinions even if they are misguided.

Being gentle and all warm and fuzzy has it's place but it's not going to jolt someone out of severe rumination and get them to see there are alternatives to their fruitless compulsions that have been going on for weeks or months.

I make no bones about my approach, which involves being open, honest and blunt. OCDSufferer wants the anguish to end. So do I. The shortest distance between suffering and recovery is the direct approach. 

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Anxiety wont kill me, but the way i feel isnt living, if i could just let things go i would be cured, but its not easy, support is needed though, things can easily set me right back, using these forums has sometimes left me in heap on the floor, ive cancelled my jobs and gone to bed in tears not wanting to wake up.

To say its not severe is so upsetting, if people knew how i felt day to day and how the 'smallest' things destroy me inside and ruin my life then i dont know what severe is! Its severe to me and to trained professionals. They arent saying they cant help, they are showing me that i am ill, they understand reassurance doesn't last but they are guiding me to the right way for recovery

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