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Questioning attraction


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I've had this before but it went away for a while. But recently I've had another instance of trying to work out if I have a crush on someone.

I had an obsession with someone I used to work with, whose name is Kate. There was no doubt, I definitely had a thing for her.

She left a few months ago, and recently a new Kate started at work. The trouble is she is kind of cute, so I've started to constantly question if I have a crush on her too.

I do find her cute, but I can't work out if I actually fancy her. I make my mind up one way and then next time I see her I doubt it again. I feel like I need to know and not being able to work it out is driving me mad.

If someone has OCD false attractions for a member of the same sex and they worry they're gay, it means they're not gay. But if someone questions their attraction to their partner in an OCD way, it usually means they do love their partner.

I think trying to work it out is OCD, but I don't think that means I don't fancy her. But I'm not sure either way. Very confused. How am I supposed to know? Is it definitely OCD, do people without OCD do this kind of thing?

 

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Hiya

I actually kind of 'get' this because I've had something similar for someone I know, also a lady and I was fairly sure I'm straight. I still like guys but obviously I have a bit of flexibility! ;)

Seriously though - and I hope this won't come off as reassurance - I don't think it's uncommon for ladies to have crushes on other ladies. I wonder if it's a kind of 'hero worship' thing, you know? Being smitten with them in a particular way. With me, I grew desperately upset over the whole thing and started having terrible intrusive thoughts about her; she meant something to me, I couldn't tell what, but it was something and it caused me much trouble. I don't know if it's fancying - it doesn't feel romantic, just affectionate and awe-struck. I decided that, if it was love, then to just let it grow and not worry about it being OCD.

But there's nothing wrong with how you feel; it's how you feel. Just enjoy this Kate's company; don't put yourself under any pressure. :hug:

C x

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I think the fact that you're trying to work it out shows that it is OCD and that you don't actually fancy her. If you did fancy her you would just know and you wouldn't have to try and work it out. 

You've connected this Kate to the other Kate and because they share the same name you are wondering if you have a crush on this Kate too. Real life doesn't work like that but OCD-type thinking does, in that it looks for connections in things that aren't really there.

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Also, even if you do fancy her, the fact that you "need to be sure" that you do is also OCD. Most other people wouldn't really think about it that much. They would think "yeah she's cute" and go about their day, and not obsess over whether it meant they have a crush on them or not.

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Just now, kaheath80 said:

Thank you. I thought that too at first but when she smiles at me I feel like I feel something?

I get where you're coming from. I am like this sometimes with guys I work with etc. I've decided though to not focus too much on it and not ruminate on whether I felt something or not or what it might mean. I think the thing to do is to leave the question unanswered and go about your day. I know it is difficult to tolerate uncertainty over anything when we have OCD but recognising that we don't really need to know one way or another is a starting point.

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Thank you, I will try to stop thinking about it. It's silly because I can't even say why it seems so important, but it does. I guess it's the need for certainty, as you mentioned.

I find her attractive, if I didn't then I wouldn't be so confused. But once I think someone is attractive I often have a problem figuring out if that means I am attracted to them.

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I have a similar situation over someone at work, i feel i have a crush on her and what does that say for my marriage etc? i have been close to tears at times i have been that upset over it, constantly asking if it's just a crush, is it something more? i feel anxious and guilty and the ruminations continue i have even had my medication increased as a result.

I am mid way through CBT and have learned to try to not to ruminate over this and to try not to try and answer the questions i keep asking myself. I find the less i think about the situation the better i feel. It's not always easy but if you can engage less with this question the less of a big deal it will be.

 

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That sounds tough :(

I used to feel guilty but I don't really now. I had some intense crushes that were definitely crushes and whilst my wife was a bit funny about it the main thing is not acting upon them.

(I'm not saying yours are real)

It's more now that I just want to know for my own piece of mind. I also keep telling people I have a crush on her and then worrying I actually don't, so I feel I need to know for sure.

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I think that is something OCD demands of us, but we can never achieve and that's certainty. I go from one extreme to another over this person at work, I have had relatively little contact with her this week so my ruminating over her is minimal, as a result I feel better and more settled. 

I have semi confessed to my wife over crushes which is of course a compulsion and it makes for quite a lot of tension to say the least, it sounds like you may have been in a similar position? with your other half knowing / suspecting something.

I think trying to work out if you do or do not have a crush over this person is making you more unsure, try and stop getting a definitive answer and it should cause you less anxiety.

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Thank you, today's been a little better with this as I haven't seen her much and was busy at work today.

And yeah I have to confess to my wife too. Although I seem to be better with this now. There was a time when I had to tell my wife everything about the woman I had a crush on: 'she was wearing shorts today and her legs were distracting'. I don't think my wife was too impressed...

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  • 4 weeks later...

Ok, so this week at work I've been forced to spend a fair amount of time with the new Kate, and I think I do like her. However, because I've had limerence (basically an addiction to a person) in the past, I'm terrified that I'll end up with limerence for this new Kate and that I'm incapable of not getting obsessed with her. And limerence sucks. 

Yet I'm still worried I'm not 100% sure that I do fancy her. 

I'm also double thinking myself. Is this limerence? What if it ends up as limerence? Or is it all OCD? And perhaps my BPD is in there too as I have little self-worth which leads me to get intense feelings for people in general (not always romantic). And then I think 'is this need to work this all out OCD?' And then I go round in circles.

My friend said:

I think you've got a crush and your OCD is feeding off that and pushing you to question it constantly. That's what sounds OCD, not your crush on Kate but the way you're obsessing over it and questioning it.

Do you think she is right?

 

Edited by kaheath80
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On 30/08/2017 at 13:29, kaheath80 said:

I do find her cute, but I can't work out if I actually fancy her

I think it's possible to look at a member of the same sex and see that they are good looking ot attractive... and in no way am I gay, not even close.  I think it is possible to just notice when anyone is attractive or good looking.... our eyes aren't blinkered we are observant of these things.

It's like a poster mentioned earlier that he thought he liked someone at work though is married.  When you're married you cant all of a sudden stop noticing if someone is cute, but nor does that mean that you find them more attractive than your partner...and also looks are only one aspect of the relationship.  The point is we still exist in the 'real' world and you can't wallk around blindfolded :lol:

Someone who worked in my last job I really liked... she was very cute, lovely smile, nice eyes... really my type.  She was very nice and friendly too.  But I was happy going home to my girlfriend at that time and there was nothing more to it other than she was nice.  But I don't obsess over that kind of thing :thumbup:

I'd say it sounds like you are obsessing over it. I think the problem with this aspect though is that feelings for people, relationships and that kind of thing is a bit of a muddle with no fixed positions... it isn't a binary choice like it is with me checking if I've turned the cooker off etc.  I think that gives OCD quite a lot of grip to work with.

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HI Kaheath80,

I must admit I have never heard of limerence but I do know that if OCD thinks it can play on any vulnerability then it will,  I think your friend has hit the nail on the head on this one. Your OCD has seen an opportunity to play havoc and is doing so. 

I still have a thing for this person at work, and still ruminate to a point. Had quite a big chat on Wednesday with her and that lead to doubts again. 

Rumination is our false friend we think it will help us but just makes us more distressed, the less I ruminate about her the calmer and better I feel.  Try and stop working out what it may or may not mean.

I do sympathise as I have similar worries but I know OCD is magnifying it.  I think the same is true in your case.

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19 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Thinking about it all the time is ruminating and that's a compulsion. No good is going to come from you ruminating.

I know, sorry. I will try and stop it.

19 hours ago, Rucker said:

I think it's possible to look at a member of the same sex and see that they are good looking ot attractive... and in no way am I gay, not even close. 

It's like a poster mentioned earlier that he thought he liked someone at work though is married.  When you're married you cant all of a sudden stop noticing if someone is cute, but nor does that mean that you find them more attractive than your partner...and also looks are only one aspect of the relationship.  The point is we still exist in the 'real' world and you can't wallk around blindfolded :lol:

Thanks, I am married and gay. It's not in question that I think this woman is cute. And I don't feel bad about it. The problem is I'm scared it will turn obsessive and I'm trying to figure all kinds of stuff out connected with it.

9 hours ago, Avo said:

HI Kaheath80,

I must admit I have never heard of limerence but I do know that if OCD thinks it can play on any vulnerability then it will,  I think your friend has hit the nail on the head on this one. Your OCD has seen an opportunity to play havoc and is doing so. 

I still have a thing for this person at work, and still ruminate to a point. Had quite a big chat on Wednesday with her and that lead to doubts again. 

Rumination is our false friend we think it will help us but just makes us more distressed, the less I ruminate about her the calmer and better I feel.  Try and stop working out what it may or may not mean.

I do sympathise as I have similar worries but I know OCD is magnifying it.  I think the same is true in your case.

Yes I think my friend is probably right too. Sorry to hear you're still having a hard time. 

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