preoccupied with death

[bruces]

does anybody else worry and ruminate about death and dieing? this just cant be normal is it?

[FightingTheBrain]

I do yeah. Not right now because I have other things that are pre-occupying my mind.

I often get caught in a loop of thinking about death and trying to imagine what exists after death, or specifically what doesn’t. I try to picture not existing, forever, which is a horrible thought to me and fills me with anxiety.

so yes I think it’s normal to a degree, but If you have anxiety it’s going to be amplified.

[bruces]

things like this drive me mad im so obsessed with it,i have both suicidal thoughts and fear of death how can that be logical?

[Angst]

I don't ruminate about it, its going to happen. I read a lecture by David Véale, the Director of CADAT, in which he said make certain plans for it and then forget about it. After a certain age you are inundated with ads about securing the future of your loved ones after death. 

[FightingTheBrain]

Yeah it’s crazy isn’t it? Although if you think about it, both thoughts are causing you anxiety right? And anxiety is caused by fear.

The suicidal thoughts you’re getting, I assume are intrusive, as in you don’t want them? You don’t want to die.

So you fear death, and you fear the thought of suicide, which is logical. You want neither to happen, and really nobody wants to die.

its kind of the same for me, when I had suicidal thoughts I couldn’t figure it out because I don’t want to die, I’m terrified of death! And right now this latest thing I’m going through (POCD) the reason it’s so scary is because if ultimately I become one, that to me is a life sentence - lowest of the low, lose friends, prison, hated by everyone, may as well die.

Could apply it to other stuff too, I’ve always had terrible health anxiety around getting cancer - because what’s the worst case scenario with cancer?

 

im rambling but hope you can see what I mean.

 

 

[bruces]

Hi know what you mean it's an absolute nightmare I'm driving myself insane with it all 

[mikos]

I have those same exact thoughts as well.  I keep thinking about what death is like, to not exist anymore, complete and total oblivion.  It makes it hard for me to have any kind of hope for the existence of a higher power like a god or even universal consciousness that may exist in the universe  I sure didn't think this way when I was a kid.     

The most distressing conclusion that comes from all this is that if there is nothing after death, just total and complete oblivion, then what you do in life really doesn't matter because you won't remember it anyway.  That's where I get stuck and then I get suicidal.  However, when I get that way, my fear about death skyrockets which becomes a paradox.

My OCD mind has even one upped that though, if you can believe it, by making me think death can possibly happen at any time while living.  Sudden heart attack, cardiac arrest, etc.  I know this is generally unlikely if you're a reasonably healthy person, but people have died suddenly like that and I could be one of them.  

   

 

Edited September 2, 2017 by mikos

[bruces]

That's how I feel if there is nothing after death then really what is the point of ANYTHING? People say you only live once and you should enjoy life but you are forced to get up everyday and sacrifice your limited time doing a job you desperately don't want to do? 

I'm certainly not in the worst job in the world but this week I've spent 5 and a half days of my seven at work,how is that a good balance? 

I only have one and a half days out of the seven to myself? 

 

[Skullpops]

Hi bruces, 

This is a topic that torments me too. I think about death and the process of dying on a daily basis. I worry about what would happen to my family if I passed away. I'm suicidal yet afraid of dying. It's horrible. 

[Rucker]

2 minutes ago, bruces said:

I'm certainly not in the worst job in the world but this week I've spent 5 and a half days of my seven at work,how is that a good balance? 

I hated my job and was there for 12 years. 40 hpw and 12 hours a week commuting  I was also studying a degree part time for 6 years around that.  I had no free time so I get where you are coming from.

After passing the degree I thougth 'sod this' and went to do a full time masters and I finished that last year.  I'm totally skint and looking for work and I have exactly the same thoughts as you do.  I've kind of given up on pusing for a 'proper career' again and something where I'd have to do long hours to try and work my way up, spend my life in traffic again. I have settled on trying to find anything local with no commute and a standard 8 hours a day so I have as much time to myself if I won't get a good job.

And  I won't push myself to make other people richer.

[bruces]

Yes it drives me mad how can you be suicidal but afraid of dieing? What possible logic is there in that?

i don't know why I feel this way even my friend who's wheelchair bound doesn't share my hopelessness! 

What a really odd concept life is? 

[bruces]

Why do I think this way?? 

[changemynametosomething]

      to comfort you a bit: anybody who would do the same as you do now, would freak out eventually. If people- anyone- put themselfs under the pressure of being able to see any meaning in the galaxy- life- oblivion- the mystery of it all- they would go crazy.  its not possible for any human to understand the things you are trying to understand at the moment. nobody- and i mean nobody- would be able to handle that.

there is no meaning to anything, and there is meaning to everything. you see. its like trying to understand the universe, our brain is not capable to understand things like that. so what you are trying to understand and get a meaning from right now- your brain is not even close to be able to get any sense from it. thats why its so confusing to you.

[Skullpops]

17 minutes ago, bruces said:

Yes it drives me mad how can you be suicidal but afraid of dieing? What possible logic is there in that?

i don't know why I feel this way even my friend who's wheelchair bound doesn't share my hopelessness! 

What a really odd concept life is? 

I know, not logical at all. I wonder about all sorts like what happens after death? Is this all there is ect

[bruces]

So why don't other people think that way?? 

[Skullpops]

I imagine everyone thinks about it at some point or another but we do so obsessively 

[bruces]

I just wish I could be the person I want to be 

[changemynametosomething]

     they do at times bruces, and they get so owerwhelmed that they want to throw up, and they dismiss it or do something else. and other people dont even think about it at all, it can actually be just a coincident, they just never had the time/ they where bissy doing something else.

the point is: the one "meaning" you can tell yourself is that your mind is not buildt to make sense of it.

[changemynametosomething]

      bruces, you are just in the deep ocean because you try to make sense of something you cant. its ok. anybody else would go insaine if they did what you do now. so you are just as anybody else. 

[bruces]

I think the insane part is quite accurate lol I'm desperate to change things about myself that I can't and it drives me mental 

[changemynametosomething]

how about.. changing the way you feel about yourself instead?

[changemynametosomething]

      seeing yourself in another light? may i ask what you dont like about yourself?

[Rucker]

I think about it often.  However it doesn't make much difference to me if there is an afterlife or not (I don't believe there is).  What matters is trying to be happy in the present. 

I don't think I'd be as bothered as some if something happened to me and I was gone tomorrow, OCD has made even things I enjoy difficult and it is depressing.  But at the same time I don't want to die either and I have fully functioning self-preservation and will to live.

I did a solo parachute jumpo a few years ago....aside from constant checking of buckles etc etc which OCD tends to drive me to I totally loved it and loved the thrill but had all the rational self preservation feelings.

There are plenty things I do enjoy that make life worth living and If OCD wan't in the way life would be more bareable than not.  The problem with OCD is it obscures the enjoyment of too much at times to balance out the stressful, boring and depressing aspects (most jobs etc) and it's a constant struggle.

[changemynametosomething]

bruces, i can already tell you some things about you that you might even not see yourself.

first: you are a really reflected person. so much that it causes problems for you, but still, this is a very positive thing in it self. 

second: what you are going trough, and been trough, is one of the most brutal things a human beeing can go trough. you are trying to deal something that most people will never even dare to deal with. that makes you one of the toughest people in the world.

you are trying and trying and trying and trying, you are fighting like hell, that makes you- a fighter.

you are obiously and offcourse feeling aweful and its driving you crazy, that makes you- a normal human beeing.

so to summon this up for you:

     you are reflected, tough, a   fighter, and you are normal.

how is this not a person you would like to be?

off course do you feel terrible for trying to figure this out, you are one of very few that have the guts to try to do so, but now you have done that, you are done.

Edited September 3, 2017 by ocdishell

[bruces]

On 02/09/2017 at 14:05, ocdishell said:

      to comfort you a bit: anybody who would do the same as you do now, would freak out eventually. If people- anyone- put themselfs under the pressure of being able to see any meaning in the galaxy- life- oblivion- the mystery of it all- they would go crazy.  its not possible for any human to understand the things you are trying to understand at the moment. nobody- and i mean nobody- would be able to handle that.

there is no meaning to anything, and there is meaning to everything. you see. its like trying to understand the universe, our brain is not capable to understand things like that. so what you are trying to understand and get a meaning from right now- your brain is not even close to be able to get any sense from it. thats why its so confusing to you.

I don't know what to do I'm so confused,I want to be happy but I don't know how to achieve that or even if it's possible at my age. 

So many things I wish I could change but I can't I simply don't know what to do anymore!