Guilt and shame

[Guest Paul92]

I read an article on the web the other day that reminded me just who I am and the significance of what I have done in my past. In the article, the journalist suggested that individuals who have done things similar to what I have done have no place in society, and won't ever be able to lead a normal life. 

It really hit home with me. 

How do I live a normal life now? Everything is a lie. 

Meanwhile, a colleague at work was speaking about a meeting he had come out of, in which it was relayed to him that several other colleagues were under investigation for being racist and sexist. He said he wanted to know who they were as he "could be speaking to these people each day" and he "didn't want anything to do with them". I thought to myself, you don't want to be talking to me then (not because I'm racist or sexist, but because of my other issues)

Now, I'm crippled. 

I have few enjoyments in life. Whilst I like to think I've got good people skills, I don't have a large group of friends and I've never felt like I've properly fitted in. I've never been a 'ladies man', primarily because I'm not a looker in the slightest, which is a shame as I do prefer the company of women. I don't earn a lot of money, I still live at home at 25, and I'm of very average intelligence. In short, I have no discernible talents or sources of pride. 

But the things I did enjoy, I feel I no longer can. One of my greatest loves is to play my guitar. Not to anyone, just to myself, alone. I love listening to music. I love to read, too. I have hundreds of books. I'm studying a master's degree. I chose to study Diplomacy because I thought, perhaps, one day I might be able to land a job where I could make a real difference internationally. 

I just don't feel I can be enthusiastic about anything now.

Can anyone relate to this?

I listen to music and play my guitar. I just think that the songwriter wouldn't want someone like me enjoying their music. Playing guitar is a luxury I no longer deserve. Why bother trying to improve as a player? Nobody will want to hear you play, and frankly, they shouldn't have to. I'm the lowest of the low. 

Do I deserve an education? I don't think so. 

I'm not sleeping well and I'm having nightmares every night. I get to work and I just can't look people in the eye. I might, for a second, dare to feel sorry for myself, but then I remind myself this is what I deserve; it's all my own fault. 

The thing is, I simply don't understand why I did the things I did back then. I am not that person any more. I test myself to see if I still react the same, and now I don't at all. I have no desire to repeat what I did. It disturbs and disgusts me just as, if not more, than the next person. I feel like I need to be accepted by everyone, and I just know that nobody ever will.

It was a strange period in my life that I just can't get my head around. All I know is that I don't have those desires any longer. It just seems that it doesn't really matter to my mind what I think, it's more what everyone else thinks...

[Cub]

Paul, you are obviously a chap who is way too hard on himself. You clearly have morals and you're obviously a decent guy. But that's what OCD does to one; makes them feel bad.

We've all had strange moments in our lives when we've done stupid things; I've had moments of pure idiocy that I wish I could undo. I often don't feel deserving of love, or of the love of the God I believe in. But we're TRYING. We're doing our best, day by day and isn't that a wonderful thing?

I understand what you mean about losing passion - I've had that, but it does return, sooner of later; I love writing and being in the online fandoms, for example and I got to a place where I felt very alone; couldn't write, couldn't enjoy anything. But I've had a shake-up and now I feel some of the passion start to return. Also, I'm 27 and it's looking increasingly likely that I'm going to have to return home to live with my Dad due to my job ending. My dad's already been a great help to me financially and to my eldest brother. Dude, you're 25 and we are living in an age where no-one in their twenties can do anything without help, because of the blooming economy. You are definitely not alone. And 25 isn't very old, anyway; I had only recently struck out on my own when I was that age. I understand that being at home is deeply demoralising at times but don't put so much pressure on yourself at such a young age to do everything alone. I've got friends older than me who still rely on family for help. It's absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

I'm worried that I won't be able to live a normal life as well and have friends - it seems we're both rather depressed. Your post does sound very sad and you sound like you need a bit of extra help. I've been in a very similar mindset, so I do get it, man, I really do. I too feel like I don't quite fit in but it doesn't mean I don't have friends - they'll reach out and ask me if I'm okay if they think I've gone too quiet, or help me with something, or forgive me when I'm snappish. That's what friends do. And we're young; we're still finding our way.

I'm sorry that you're having nightmares; and if you don't mind me saying so, it might be time to see a doctor, Paul. They won't judge; they'll just want you to get better. I've caused some upsets recently and I'm trying to make it right; you need to be the person you are now and forgive yourself for the past - although it's much easier said than done. If you can, see a GP and see what's next. We've all got your back.

C x

[Guest Paul92]

Thank for taking to the time to reply to me Cub, I really appreciate it. I know people always say that, but I really do and it means a lot to me. Especially with everything you've said there, it does warm my heart. I don't have anyone I can confide in or anything. Thank you.

I don't know if I am too hard on myself, I honestly don't. What I did, started out as a weird way of me accepting who I thought I was and it escalated into something I pretty sure isn't anything to do with OCD. I know there are grey areas with everything anyone does and it ain't always clear cut. But I knew what I was doing was wrong and I was old enough to know better.

It's not something trivial, either. It's something really serious. Though, I have to say I've never harmed anyone, and obviously I never would. I just struggle to think that anyone in their right mind would understand, forgive and accept me, if they knew. It's so damn hard to live like this, but even as I type I think, well, it's your own fault. 

What gets me is that, it is as if since then I am a different person. I don't want to say too much, but I had a huge obsession and worry about being 'attracted' to the wrong type of people. One of the common fears that people on here have. And it felt SO REAL. I'd gone 19 years of my life never noticing this, and then I was that sort of person. It screwed with my head. 

I used to check and test myself online ... I do the same today and NOTHING. I know I am checking, but honestly, I feel like how I was before. It is so hard to explain. It is as if I had to become someone I hated to be who I am today. But I guess that doesn't excuse my actions. 

Thanks again and God bless you. 

[PolarBear]

You have a fatalistic attitude. Nothing is good. It's all bad. It's all because you did something wrong.

I said it before and I'll say it again: you can move past this but you first must forgive yourself. Don't say you can't. I did. Now my life is rich and full. And my situation was worse than yours because my transgressions were splattered all over the news. People know what I did. Yet I forgave myself and pushed forward. You can too.

[St Mike]

Hi Paul, you are going through a self-loathing phrase. You are also allowing external events to trigger you. There is a technique I often use, called the impartial spectator or the 3rd party perspective. 

You look at yourself, think logically, rationally and with compassion.

There‘s this fellow called Paul. He comes to you and pours his heart out to you. He tells you that he had done something wrong in the past but he is now a changed man and wouldn't hurt anyone but he feels so much guilt and wants to deny himself everything including his future happiness and even simple joys like playing the guitar. He asks you for help and advice. 

What would you tell him, Paul? 

Edited September 15, 2017 by St Mike

[Guest Paul92]

On 15/09/2017 at 00:28, PolarBear said:

You have a fatalistic attitude. Nothing is good. It's all bad. It's all because you did something wrong.

I said it before and I'll say it again: you can move past this but you first must forgive yourself. Don't say you can't. I did. Now my life is rich and full. And my situation was worse than yours because my transgressions were splattered all over the news. People know what I did. Yet I forgave myself and pushed forward. You can too.

I'm sorry for that PolarBear. You have more courage than I'll ever have. I just don't know if I have it in me. Thank you for your reply, you have always been a source of help for me. I appreciate it. 

 

On 15/09/2017 at 06:30, St Mike said:

Hi Paul, you are going through a self-loathing phrase. You are also allowing external events to trigger you. There is a technique I often use, called the impartial spectator or the 3rd party perspective. 

You look at yourself, think logically, rationally and with compassion.

There‘s this fellow called Paul. He comes to you and pours his heart out to you. He tells you that he had done something wrong in the past but he is now a changed man and wouldn't hurt anyone but he feels so much guilt and wants to deny himself everything including his future happiness and even simple joys like playing the guitar. He asks you for help and advice. 

What would you tell him, Paul? 

I don't know what I would tell him. Frankly, what I did was truly terrible. It's a source of real shame. It's not a minor discretion, it's real and serious. It could have been a lot worse, and there are people who have done a lot worse. But still, what I did, to the majority of people would be seen as unforgivable.

What mashes my head is that, I never had any desire to do what I did, and then it just sorted of happened and then went. And in my mind I keep trying to think of ways that I can justify what I did so I can just feel like my life isn't over. Because that is how I feel right now; that there is nothing for me to look forward to.

We get one life and I feel as though I have ruined it. How can I indulge in my passions? My mind just tells me that I don't deserve it. I can't listen to music like I used to. 

After work yesterday, I walked to my car to drive home and some music started playing. I started to feel really down about everything, but realised that I couldnt even allow myself to feel sad about how everything fallen. Because I did something disgusting and, frankly, the majority of people would prefer that I was no longer on this planet. 

But as I say, it is like I am a completely different person now. I just don't understand what happened to me. I swear it's the truth. 

[St Mike]

It pains me to see young people with so much ahead of them being trapped by OCD, trapped by their negative emotions, negative mindsets, trapped by their past. I suggest you take a break from all the ruminating and when you feel better, review all the great and insightful advice provided in this and earlier posts. Your current state of mind/thinking will lead to no answers.

At the same time and I would suggest you also pay a visit to the doctor. I am not a therapist but I have been and still am a caregiver to someone suffering from acute depression and the go-to man for emotional issues in my circle of friends, a few of whom are also suffering from depression. I just want you to have additional support should there be a need for it.

Everyone here wants you to get and feel better.

Take care, Paul.

Edited September 16, 2017 by St Mike

[Wonderer]

I'm sorry I actually re read my post and think I was giving too much reassurance. Paul, don't be so hard on yourself, go and seek professional help, a therapist will give u some good perspective and hopefully u can put this behind u and move on. We've all done things we aren't proud of, it's all part of life, growing and learning! Everyone deserves a happy life, regret, guilt and shame are useless emotions! 

Edited September 16, 2017 by Wonderer

[Guest Paul92]

21 hours ago, St Mike said:

It pains me to see young people with so much ahead of them being trapped by OCD, trapped by their negative emotions, negative mindsets, trapped by their past. I suggest you take a break from all the ruminating and when you feel better, review all the great and insightful advice provided in this and earlier posts. Your current state of mind/thinking will lead to no answers.

At the same time and I would suggest you also pay a visit to the doctor. I am not a therapist but I have been and still am a caregiver to someone suffering from acute depression and the go-to man for emotional issues in my circle of friends, a few of whom are also suffering from depression. I just want you to have additional support should there be a need for it.

Everyone here wants you to get and feel better.

Take care, Paul.

I do feel trapped, but it's all my own making. I'm trying to stay  occupied, to not ruminate, but it just doesn't help me. I can't get any enjoyment out of anything. What's the point in studying? What's the point in listening to music? I just get thoughts like, you don't deserve an education and nobody would want you enjoy their music. I've always been Mr 110%, I put my heart and soul into everything I do. It feels terrible to just not have anything to live for. 

I can't go to my GP again. I went once before and disclosed some things that nearly got me into some serious bother. I'm not taking that risk again. The thing is, I often think I would feel better if I had been caught and convicted and everyone knew. But I have to consider my parents. I have let them down already and I couldn't bare to bring the shame to them. They don't deserve it. 

20 hours ago, Wonderer said:

I'm sorry I actually re read my post and think I was giving too much reassurance. Paul, don't be so hard on yourself, go and seek professional help, a therapist will give u some good perspective and hopefully u can put this behind u and move on. We've all done things we aren't proud of, it's all part of life, growing and learning! Everyone deserves a happy life, regret, guilt and shame are useless emotions! 

I didn't see your original post, but thank you for your reply. It's very kind of you to take time out of your day to write. The thing is, what I did is truly shameful. As I have said, the majority of people would never forgive it, and more of the same people would rather I was hung. To be honest, those who daily do the things that I did, they disgust me just as much as anyone else. But how can I say that? I am one of them. Or was for a short while. 

It all happened last year, on perhaps 10-20 occasions over a few months. Then I realised what I was doing, but by then it's too late. I'm so sorry for what I've done. I don't understand how I managed to live the first half of this year relatively care free... the article I read the other day highlighted just how serious what I did really is. 

[PolarBear]

And yet it's over. Just how long do you intend on punishing yourself for this?

Edited September 17, 2017 by PolarBear