New to this but so worn out

[LucyV]

Hi

So over many years. In fact since I can remember I have suffered ocd of all kinds but the hardest of all is off with relationships. I have been through many seriously traumatic ones and now I am in a stable relationship yet find it difficult. I am sure to many people that lies are not unusual but they trigger my ocd. My partner lied about someone from his past and since then my ocd has got worse and mainly focuses on me constantly having the urge to ask him about all his past and I get anxious about it all  I try and tell myself to stop as it puts strain on us but I get so upset if I don't ask and upset even when I do 

Edited September 17, 2017 by LucyV

[HDC]

Hello, 

 

This seems like common relationship OCD thoughts that are causing you anxiety, try and work out what your compulsions are and try to stop doing them! Any doubts in your brains bout your relationship are probably OCD, I get them too sometimes 

[LucyV]

Thank you

I try constantly to ignore the thoughts but my ocd wants me to ask questions. I feel so unsettled and I obsess over people lying to me. Even if it's about the past. It doesn't help that in the past I have been lied to over and over 

[OceanDweller]

Hi Lucy. I just wanted to let you know that you're by no means alone in this. I hope you don't mind my saying, but this post is of much interest to me. I've experienced similar regarding partners' pasts and consequent trust issues, but I'd always assumed it was due to BPD (with which I was diagnosed years ago) as opposed to OCD. It didn't occur to me that the latter could conjure such issues. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the very best.

[LucyV]

2 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi Lucy. I just wanted to let you know that you're by no means alone in this. I hope you don't mind my saying, but this post is of much interest to me. I've experienced similar regarding partners' pasts and consequent trust issues, but I'd always assumed it was due to BPD (with which I was diagnosed years ago) as opposed to OCD. It didn't occur to me that the latter could conjure such issues. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the very best.

Hi OceanDweller. I also have BPD and I have realised over the years how the two things can play off on each other. I am not sure which way round a bit like what come first, the chicken or the egg but I have spent a long time self analysing and do see a pattern. I have much more of a handle on things when I am not in a relationship so due to bad past relationships, I seem to want to be happy but my brain doesn't allow it. When I step away from the situation I feel like I'm myself again and know I'm being obsessive but at the time when the feeling becomes strong, I just can't see past it and am convinced that I'm being lied to or that I mean less than previous partners my boyfriend has had. All of which he tells me in untrue. I find it can be so frustrating for the other person as I guess they don't understand fully as they don't suffer it 

Best wishes Lucy 

[HDC]

8 hours ago, LucyV said:

my ocd wants me to ask questions. I feel so unsettled and I obsess over people lying to me. 

That's what OCD will want you to do, but notice when you're doing it and try to stop!

[Rucker]

It's always very awkward telling a new partner everything about your past, I mean where do you stop?  It's perfectly reasonable to want to know if they have any major skeletons lurking in that closet....serial cheat, mass murderer etc...you get the point. I think it's reasonable to be inquisitive as to their dating history a little too and it's reasonable to expect that a partner wouldn't be secretly texting an ex....I mean that's natural to feel wary of that going on etc.

However, no one wants to tell, and no one really wants to know in any depth about it.  Every relationship is different and has different dynamics going on. I'm quite open about my past relationships and I'd say more than most but I would cringe at telling everything.

I dated someone who was an extreme. Lied, manipulated to get what she wanted. Even about being married!!!!!!! Plus I was one of 4 she 'had on the go'.....now that's something I wanted to know about. Bad times.  But other people I've dated and had perfectly good relationships with without having to know everything about her past and past relationships.

I did date someone last year who wanted to know everything.  She would go through my facebook (when I still used it) and see one or two photos of an ex girlfriend (I never left them on on purpose just I had 100s of photos and you have to delete individually) and she'd want to to know EVERYTHING  about everything (I felt really uncomfortable going into too much detail) and constantly kept saying that I looked happier in the photos than with her.... relentlessly.  It wasn't true at all, we did loads together, went all over the place etc.  But she was blinkered.

Sorry for the rambling post.  I think what I'm trying to say it is a balance . There is being lied to, and lied in a bad way as my first example and people being reluctant to talk too much about the past (as that can lead to jealousy and cause it's own problems) and it's recognising what is likel the case.

If you are enjoying the here and now with your boyfriend, and you think he really likes you then then resist over thinking and enjoy your time together.

Best wishes

[LucyV]

4 hours ago, HDC said:

That's what OCD will want you to do, but notice when you're doing it and try to stop!

I am doing this constantly and today thoughts have been less 

[LucyV]

3 hours ago, Rucker said:

It's always very awkward telling a new partner everything about your past, I mean where do you stop?  It's perfectly reasonable to want to know if they have any major skeletons lurking in that closet....serial cheat, mass murderer etc...you get the point. I think it's reasonable to be inquisitive as to their dating history a little too and it's reasonable to expect that a partner wouldn't be secretly texting an ex....I mean that's natural to feel wary of that going on etc.

However, no one wants to tell, and no one really wants to know in any depth about it.  Every relationship is different and has different dynamics going on. I'm quite open about my past relationships and I'd say more than most but I would cringe at telling everything.

I dated someone who was an extreme. Lied, manipulated to get what she wanted. Even about being married!!!!!!! Plus I was one of 4 she 'had on the go'.....now that's something I wanted to know about. Bad times.  But other people I've dated and had perfectly good relationships with without having to know everything about her past and past relationships.

I did date someone last year who wanted to know everything.  She would go through my facebook (when I still used it) and see one or two photos of an ex girlfriend (I never left them on on purpose just I had 100s of photos and you have to delete individually) and she'd want to to know EVERYTHING  about everything (I felt really uncomfortable going into too much detail) and constantly kept saying that I looked happier in the photos than with her.... relentlessly.  It wasn't true at all, we did loads together, went all over the place etc.  But she was blinkered.

Sorry for the rambling post.  I think what I'm trying to say it is a balance . There is being lied to, and lied in a bad way as my first example and people being reluctant to talk too much about the past (as that can lead to jealousy and cause it's own problems) and it's recognising what is likel the case.

If you are enjoying the here and now with your boyfriend, and you think he really likes you then then resist over thinking and enjoy your time together.

Best wishes

Thank you for telling me this..  

I have to remind myself that a lot of my worries are unrealistic or don't matter as they are in the past but I know that my past has show me how capable people are of lying egg even under horrible circumstances. I am aware we all have a past but I hate the unknowing part especially if it involves someone that me and my partner will have to be around from time to time. He lied about a girl who is his sister's best friend and although adamant that nothing happened he still lied that they had plans on being more than  friends and intact had spoke about sleeping together, this was just week's before we got together and after she approached me and told me how she sees him as a brother... I later found out about their little chats and a kiss years ago but the fact she had that over me and I knew nothing, bugged me and I felt like it started from that moment and I obsessed. I once slept with my partners friend, long before we met but I told him from the start so to avoid anything being said to my partner that didn't come from me. I am very loyal like that 

Edited September 18, 2017 by LucyV

[HDC]

18 minutes ago, LucyV said:

I am doing this constantly and today thoughts have been less 

Woo!! ? go girl

[LucyV]

12 minutes ago, HDC said:

Woo!! ? go girl

?

[Rucker]

37 minutes ago, LucyV said:

Thank you for telling me this..  

I have to remind myself that a lot of my worries are unrealistic or don't matter as they are in the past but I know that my past has show me how capable people are of lying egg even under horrible circumstances. I am aware we all have a past but I hate the unknowing part especially if it involves someone that me and my partner will have to be around from time to time. He lied about a girl who is his sister's best friend and although adamant that nothing happened he still lied that they had plans on being more than  friends and intact had spoke about sleeping together, this was just week's before we got together and after she approached me and told me how she sees him as a brother... I later found out about their little chats and a kiss years ago but the fact she had that over me and I knew nothing, bugged me and I felt like it started from that moment and I obsessed. I once slept with my partners friend, long before we met but I told him from the start so to avoid anything being said to my partner that didn't come from me. I am very loyal like that 

Well, yes... that will obviously get your attention, I fully get that.  People often have an inbuilt mechanism to not cause themselves problems so it could very well that there is nothing to it now you to are together and he doesn't want to bring it up as it's just a bit awkward to deal with.

This is what is a bit of a balance (I can't tell as I don't know him) and is just part of dating.  You know what you know about it and it's better to either trust that you know it now and get on with it, or decide you don't like the situation and decide it isn't for you.

Repetitively quizzing, and playing it in your head is the worst of both worlds as even if you think it is all ok it'll make the relationship hard.

It isn't easy, my last relationship was a toughie and I made the wrong choice.

Just don't take any nonsense

[LucyV]

1 hour ago, Rucker said:

Well, yes... that will obviously get your attention, I fully get that.  People often have an inbuilt mechanism to not cause themselves problems so it could very well that there is nothing to it now you to are together and he doesn't want to bring it up as it's just a bit awkward to deal with.

This is what is a bit of a balance (I can't tell as I don't know him) and is just part of dating.  You know what you know about it and it's better to either trust that you know it now and get on with it, or decide you don't like the situation and decide it isn't for you.

Repetitively quizzing, and playing it in your head is the worst of both worlds as even if you think it is all ok it'll make the relationship hard.

It isn't easy, my last relationship was a toughie and I made the wrong choice.

Just don't take any nonsense

I agree and I can't blame him when he says that I chose to stay with him but it's so hard sometimes. He is a very nice person  but can lack confidence and has cheated in the past which makes my obsessions worse but I guess we have all done bad things and he is ole  about cheating. My question about this person seems to root from if he thinks she is someone he would still like to sleep with for example a desire type thing. I also do try and remember that he had been left by his wife and was in a place of searching for attention. I also try and tell myself that he is with me not her but that sometimes leads to the question is it because she changed her mind etc. I think the fact she is younger and how can I say... a lot more like the selfie mad, posing type of girls that I see her as a fantasy type. He always says that I'm silly to think that as all that dolly bird stuff is not even what he likes so guess that's my own insecurities. Has helped me reading your replies and appreciate it. Thank you 

[Rucker]

I think that's just the life of relationships. No one is a mind reader so there is always some uncertainty. All you can do is trust him if you really like him then you'll find out if he is genuine, if you don't it's going to make it difficult to work anyway.  If you trust him and he lets you down.... well just give him a  good kicking

I used to over analyse relationships.  I think the problem , evenwith people who have no issues, but especially with OCD or something similar, with relationships is that it is so fluid and there are no fixed positions.... if that makes sense?  It's not like me thinking I haven't put the hand brake on in the car.... I either have or I haven't, I may not think I have but it hasn't rolled off.... but dealing with another person the positions aren't binary like that and OCD just has a bit of a field day.

I haven't cheated but I have done things that I truly regret, one specific thing..... But I'm not a bad person, and sometimes you have to take specific circumstances into account.... like just because he has cheated once it might just had been a more complicated situation than it sounds and he may never do it again.

You never really know how a relationship will turn out unless you give it a try (without over analysing and annoying your partner).... if it works that's brilliant, if not for whatever reason just think of it as his loss.

Anyway who wants a selfie mad poser *shudder*

 

[LucyV]

5 minutes ago, Rucker said:

I think that's just the life of relationships. No one is a mind reader so there is always some uncertainty. All you can do is trust him if you really like him then you'll find out if he is genuine, if you don't it's going to make it difficult to work anyway.  If you trust him and he lets you down.... well just give him a  good kicking

I used to over analyse relationships.  I think the problem , evenwith people who have no issues, but especially with OCD or something similar, with relationships is that it is so fluid and there are no fixed positions.... if that makes sense?  It's not like me thinking I haven't put the hand brake on in the car.... I either have or I haven't, I may not think I have but it hasn't rolled off.... but dealing with another person the positions aren't binary like that and OCD just has a bit of a field day.

I haven't cheated but I have done things that I truly regret, one specific thing..... But I'm not a bad person, and sometimes you have to take specific circumstances into account.... like just because he has cheated once it might just had been a more complicated situation than it sounds and he may never do it again.

You never really know how a relationship will turn out unless you give it a try (without over analysing and annoying your partner).... if it works that's brilliant, if not for whatever reason just think of it as his loss.

Anyway who wants a selfie mad poser *shudder*

 

This made me laugh

I often tell myself to shut up because even the most patient person would eventually get pushed away by constant questions and I have to be fair that he is a far greater person that anyone else I've ever dated. 

I guess it's all just fear and knowledge from the past.

I try and tell myself that I am no saint. I have also never cheated by I've made my own mistakes 

I hope that over time I just feel more settled and secure

[Rucker]

3 minutes ago, LucyV said:

I hope that over time I just feel more settled and secure

 Aim for this.  He hasn't cheated on you at this time and quite likely never will.   Until a situation arises that is worthy of this kind of attention it's just fruitless. You can't be judge and jury on something that hasn't happened yet. But hold him to high standards and if he does then bust his balls!

For example,  in 2015 just before I left my job to do an MA I was working in a university.  I went with some colleagues to the 'student elections' night and ended up getting a little drunk and ended up staying out late in the city with all of them, I think I stumbled back home around 3AM instead of 10PM.  But I had no signal and didn't text my then partner and I was very drunk. Tut tut.  I fell asleep on the floor eating toast in the flat I awoke at 4AM having a glass of cold water poured on me. 

I don't go out too often and don't drink much so if she had done that at any other time it would have been out of order.  As I was completely guilty it was fully justified.

Think of it like that.

[LucyV]

27 minutes ago, Rucker said:

 Aim for this.  He hasn't cheated on you at this time and quite likely never will.   Until a situation arises that is worthy of this kind of attention it's just fruitless. You can't be judge and jury on something that hasn't happened yet. But hold him to high standards and if he does then bust his balls!

For example,  in 2015 just before I left my job to do an MA I was working in a university.  I went with some colleagues to the 'student elections' night and ended up getting a little drunk and ended up staying out late in the city with all of them, I think I stumbled back home around 3AM instead of 10PM.  But I had no signal and didn't text my then partner and I was very drunk. Tut tut.  I fell asleep on the floor eating toast in the flat I awoke at 4AM having a glass of cold water poured on me. 

I don't go out too often and don't drink much so if she had done that at any other time it would have been out of order.  As I was completely guilty it was fully justified.

Think of it like that.

We are all human after all and I need to just let go and realise the good things not what might happen... ifs and buts and all that.

The problem is, I've always struggled that an honest person  and a liar may tell the same story, so how do you know a liar until found out.

My partner tells me constantly he thinks I am beautiful and loves me and it's strange because it doesn't sink in and that may be because past people have said the same and been nasty people.

Odd how perceptions change also... When we first met, I was confident as I am when single and he wasn't and said he thought I was out of his league yet now I think the opposite. 

Being on this forum has really helped me today and I didn't think it would as was worried it would make me Over think

[Rucker]

2 hours ago, LucyV said:

I've always struggled that an honest person  and a liar may tell the same story, so how do you know a liar until found out

Well that's the crux of the issue, there isnt a definitive binary position.  That example I gave you earlier, well that was a 4 year relationship...I was a bit of a sucker, far too soft and when the tears came and the promises that she'd sort it I always gave in. Well she was fun to be with but after being dragged in circles and repeatedly messed with was it finished, yes it was but even in the last year before I ended it I would still put that I 'loved' her in birthday card etc....was it true, no not at that time. 

BTW the very last time I tried to break up she put the whole emotional load on me.... when I was doing an essay on the PC a month later for a part  time degree it turned out she had visited sites 'how to lie and manipulate to get you man back' etc etc.

Does that make me a liar? Or just in a difficult position?  It isn't always clear cut.

But OCD can make it seem like it's either - or and would make me out to be horrible etc too.

You just got to step back, look at the whole picture / context....if you're happy and nothing has happened then go for it, if something concrete happens that is bad then make a solid decision and don't see everything as a problem or not a problem - often it's more nuanced than that.

Like if you situation had happened to me, it certainly would've perked my attention but these days I wouldn't go too deep into it as likely nothing, but if something was more too it then it would be an issue.

Sorry for the long messages, I'm a bit of a talker. 

Best,

 

[LucyV]

I appreciate the long message

I think I'm so sensitive at times and being that I've overly caring myself I find it hard to understand lies at times. I explained to my partner in the start that I need honesty and yet he chose to lie. As wonderful as he is and I mean that. He also has cowardly traits and that does unsettle me. I try and look at the positives.... for 1, he hasn't left haha and also he did confess a few lies about his past she  he realised that his lies upset me..which is good but I've also seen that technique with liars. I am aware I have massive trust issues and they are for good reason but I need to let them go to be happy now. I don't want to let my guard completely down though as afraid I will be not sharp enough to spot some kind of betrayal. Yep I know you can't live like that but it's my safety blanket. If the worst happens atleast I was prepared which will soften the blow I guess. 

Also Wow... to actually look up how to lie etc is pretty crappy of her but nothing shocks me. 

My ex who was my best friend at school ( we met up years later) was adamant o  us having a baby but I was unsure. Anyway I fell pregnant and was hormonal and unsettled about some things from his past and lies. At my first scan I found put there was no heart beat and had to deliver our baby. My ocd increased as with my hormones. I comforted him a lot more than  he did me when I look back but I was a little hard work also. Anyway after promising me he would support me and even swearing this on our child

He came home 9 days after I left hospital and said he was leaving as couldn't cope and I didn't treat him well apparently. So my view on liars was worse and I have been lied to at my lowest times..lost the faith right then