Anger

[Skullpops]

Hi all, 

I'm not sure what the purpose of me posting this is, I think I just need an outlet. I hope that is alright. 

I wondered if anyone can relate to how I'm feeling. I've found myself feeling angry towards those who are closest to me and the health professionals who are assigned to my care. That sounds incredibly selfish, I know. 

I'll try and explain...I was diagnosed with OCD and major depression at 15 years old. I'd experienced obsessions and compulsions for as long as I can remember before that...but at 15 it became unmanageable to the point of me becoming suicidal...I was admitted to a psych ward and that's where I got my diagnosis. 

I eventually got back on track and life carried on. Fast forward to now and I'm almost a year into a severe relapse, which also saw me admitted to a psych ward once again. 

I've been suicical for the majority of the past year. I'm in the middle of a medication switch as I feel the one I was on was not having the desired full effect. 

Here's the thing. I want to give up, and have done for months. I feel I've no fight left in me and have a miserable existence as opposed to any sort of life. I don't want to carry on as I am and feel this should be my choice. The anger I mentioned is towards those who are 'keeping me here.' That's awful of me to say, I know. Selfish. Please understand though I am so very tired and burdened with all the feelings associated with OCD and depression...the guilt, the shame, the overwhelming sadness ect ect. I wish my family could fully understand the hell in my head. I understand I'm being irrational as if it was the other way around I'd do anything to help my loved one and keep them here, but I'm so done, I can't carry on, how do I get them to understand that as much as they love me, and me them, I'm tortured on a daily basis and I want to end it?

[HDC]

This is understandable, the anger towards those who are keeping you here. However, it sounds like you are seeing through the veil of depression (of course you Will, you have depression) but your ocd will get better, And so will the depression, the people keeping you here can see that, but you can't. Just trust them when they say things like that, it's understandable to feel hopeless, I've been there... And it's scary as hell. But you need to find the strength to stop letting your OCD make you feel guilt or shame, it means nothing about you. 

 

Hope this helped in some way. 

Be kind to yourself and take care 

HDC 

[Lisa davis]

51 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

I eventually got back on track and life carried on

As hard as it may seem right now, this is what you have to try and remember. You have overcome this once before and you can do it again. I too have been in this situation before and i now find myself back there. But the one thing that keeps me pushing forward is knowing i can and will beat this. Give your meds the time needed for your body to adjust to them, be strong x