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Feel bad for feeling bad


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Hi all

Just wanted to report that I went to church over the weekend - not just any church, like a really evangelical Christian service and I didn't freak out. Going to church has become slowly easier as time's been going on - I've been going to Evensong when I can and I don't feel so scared. It's still a bit funny; I actually went down to the front to pray with some of the others - I know it'll sound a bit strange to some, but I guess I just wanted to pray for guidance with my OCD and getting a handle on it. A volunteer came up to pray for me and when I told her what I was looking for, she said some really nice stuff and asked for relaxation and help for me, to be helped chemically. She'd worked with people with OCD before - and don't get me wrong, I know this isn't a quick-fix cure and I can't expect to get better overnight; I have to think in cognitive terms and try and resist the compulsions. But it felt kind of nice and it helped. My job has officially ended and I'm now on redundancy - obviously it's no fault of mine, it's just natural circumstances, but I hope I can fully focus on going forwards and not look backwards, but that's something I'm struggling with. 

I've come home to spend a few days with my dad and figure out what to do next but I feel kind of afraid about where I'll end up. I've had a lot of 'drag days' in my spare time and it can be very hard; I tend to just... disappear into my room and although I do go out when I can, even if it's just to read a book in the park. I just feel so trapped in my own head so much sometimes and my dad's been a bit worried about me being alone. I don't want to depend on other people to make me feel better and I need to help myself but it can be so hard to be alone with a rattling head of anxieties. I don't want my dad to think I'm not giving this life my all. I just wonder if I should have tried harder in the time I've had in that city, because I can feel so alone and adrift and everything just feels overwhelming. At home, I feel I can breathe, but I know I can't stay and want to go back out there. I just feel I haven't tried enough in my free time to be happy and I just wish I had more confidence. I spend a lot of time in my room and though my friends have told me not to hide myself, it's like I get so overwhelmed with everything and I almost don't want to go outside. I just wish I could be comfortably introverted; I've had so many drag days and it just seems to set a precedent. I just want to help myself. 

Anyway, that's that. I'm just going to watch Glee for a bit. 

C x

 

 

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