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Is this normal in OCD, if it is I can try to defeat it


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I've been blocking the ruminating but it keeps trying to drag me in.

I have been panicking abit today.

I feel it rising up.

I wanted to ask advice on one thing if that's OK. 

You know when anyone is wound up or whatever,  if OCD gets triggered in the moment when you are angry at something is it your fault?

I was wound up and aiming anger at someone but something set off my OCD and it's telling me I said something I really didn't want to say after a swear word. So it feels like I did something wrong by mistake. Even though at the time I didn't think anything really of it, only after did I ruminate and it's taken hold.

I just want to know is it just something that happens with OCD..it can be triggered at inappropriate times thus convincing you that you did wrong, I wanna stop replaying this quick as I know it doesn't help. 

I can be doing something normal. Or something everyone does (is angry and says mean things but regrets it) and OCD comes in and makes it about OCD and not what I was even intending.

Please can someone just sort of put my mind at rest so I can move on again

..I keep trying then I get set backs...

The battle is hard.

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Forget the subject, because whatever our subject, it's equally frightening for us, it works on what we DONT WANT TO BE.

I just want to know once and for all does OCD lead you to feeling like you almost could act, like you stop to imagine actually acting out, can it drive you to this weird state of actually coming head on with your fear and you feel almost numb to the anxiety - you don't spike until you feel like you did something, can it feel like you lost control? Like it took over your 'normal' super safe self and put you in a position where you actually thought about how it would be acted upon? 

I need to know this is a common thing as it feels so real, it ALWAYS goes back to this feeling I had and the self blame comes from this.

I 100% feel like I wasn't myself in that moment. It is so convincing and if you let your 'guard' down for one minute it results in disaster (or that's how it feels for us)

So please, I know I ask a million times but is this literally all OCD?

I need to UNDERSTAND why it's OCD. Please help! 

I want to refer to this.

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Sorry, but you're back here asking for reassurance. You've asked the same question probably dozens of times. No answer you've been given has satisfied you. Answering this time won't help either.

You're not understanding that reassurance seeking is a compulsion. It does no good. It does reinforce in your mind your obsessions. It's all evidence that you continue to ruminate over this minor issue, another compulsion.

You'll remain stuck until you get control over your compulsions and you change the way you think about your obsessions. You can choose to change the way you think, reducing the fear you feel when you think about speaking bad against religion or dieties. It's just not that big a deal. You can get there but you have to face your fear head on.

Edited by PolarBear
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Any relief you feel will be temporary. Soon enough the intrusive thoughts and doubts will be back and youll want more reassurance.

You'll have to trust me on this. I know what I'm talking about. You're going about this the wrong way and that's keeping you stuck.

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But I just want to know if it's typical of OCD! I know I have OCD! But I want to know if what's been described is still the disorder as it seems so different to the other ones I have recovered from, this is why I'm unable to move from it, I believe the others were OCD. I don't know about this.

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6 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Any relief you feel will be temporary. Soon enough the intrusive thoughts and doubts will be back and youll want more reassurance.

You'll have to trust me on this. I know what I'm talking about. You're going about this the wrong way and that's keeping you stuck.

If you need to question if it's OCD it's most likely if not 100% OCD... @PolarBear is right, asking for an answer to this question will set you back... you have OCD, you know that.

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You won't accept any answer I give and then leave it alone. You haven't in the past so this time won't be any different. You'll soon be back, telling is your story again, trying to ensure we know exactly what you think happened and asking for reassurance again. This has to stop.

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7 minutes ago, HDC said:

If you need to question if it's OCD it's most likely if not 100% OCD... @PolarBear is right, asking for an answer to this question will set you back... you have OCD, you know that.

I'm confused. Sorry. OK. I just want to know if someone can relate. I don't wanna be told off for asking, i understand its a vicious cycle. I know what you're trying to do. I just want to feel like someone else is or has been in the same boat. I really hope someone's able to relate. Like other threads I read. Lots of people relating! All I get is told off for asking for reassurance :( when I'm able to accept it's OCD I do feel so much more free and gain some hope.

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Just now, ocdsufferer85 said:

I'm confused. Sorry. OK. I just want to know if someone can relate. I don't wanna be told off for asking, i understand its a vicious cycle. I know what you're trying to do.

I didnt want you to feel as though I was telling you off, that wasn't my intention at all, I'm trying not to answer your question about whether it's OCD. But yes I relate to your post :) as do a lot of other I imagine 

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The reason you remain stuck is because of your strict and excessively harsh interpretation of that one single line from the bible. This strict interpretation gives you no room to manoeuvre, one foul word against the faith and that is the end, no forgiveness, you are cast out forever. Your OCD has latched on to this and made it an obsession and held you hostage for years because you ruminate over the fear of whether you actually nearly did or you are just about to use the foul word against your faith. 

If you want to move forward, you either need to loosen this interpretation or stop applying this line from the bible to yourself because you are suffering from a disorder which causes you brain to fire off mental chaff, irrational and involuntary and non-intentional thoughts which is totally different from someone who actually wants and have the intention to do something bad against the faith. 

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As far as I'm concerned, you had an intrusive thought that you said/did something bad. From that point you went into a whirlwind of compulsions, making the situation far worse. In that respect, it's all perfectly normal for OCD.

Are you satisfied now? Will you completely drop this now? That's it, it's over? (Somehow I don't think so.)

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No, I had an intrusive thought, which turned to another thought about "speaking" 

After that came these impulses / urges /  'feelings' of being close and numb to anxiety 

Stopping it. Then feeling something happened (breath) and panic

Then I ruminated in fear that I did something bad / acted on the unwanted thought / idea

Then my compulsion is to ask for reassurance. 

See, I get it.

I simply want to know if -

impulses / urges /  'feelings' of being close and numb to anxiety 

Are a part of it.

People with OCD seem to be careful and avoid their fears so I am afraid that I am a monster. 

See I explained it lots and still don't feel everyone fully gets it.

 

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46 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

As far as I'm concerned, you had an intrusive thought that you said/did something bad. From that point you went into a whirlwind of compulsions, making the situation far worse. In that respect, it's all perfectly normal for OCD.

Are you satisfied now? Will you completely drop this now? That's it, it's over? (Somehow I don't think so.)

It's not what I explained, so I can't drop it til I get people to understand 

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Why am I still so convinced I am a monster, it's clinging on, I have become so used to the problem I cannot remember how to not worry about it.

I'm spending years worrying over something that didn't happen. But because of the feelings and thoughts around it, it also convinces me I'm different and I lost control.

It's just horrid.

I don't understand why I have this stupid brain.

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5 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

People with OCD seem to be careful and avoid their fears so I am afraid that I am a monster. 

See I explained it lots and still don't feel everyone fully gets it.

4 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I can't drop it til I get people to understand 

 

Just this once I'm going to give you the reassurance you're asking for. I hope it sinks in as giving reassurance is not something we do often on the forum. :dry: 

We do understand. Fully. Completely. We've all been there in various forms and with our own personal themes. 

YES. This is ocd. 

Now we've got that sorted, the next step is to explain something about how your 'stupid brain' works and why it keeps pestering you with these persistent doubts. 

The simple answer is that you're doing compulsions and those compulsions are what keeps the doubts active.

It's good that you're working hard not to let yourself ruminate. Good job. Keep it up. :yes: 

But the biggest compulsions you're doing at the moment fall under the categories of 'neutralizing' and reassurance seeking. :( 

When you have a thought you don't like you want to label it as OCD to separate it from you. Because it doesn't represent your personal values and morals.

When you judge a thought to be 'bad' you want to label it as OCD to reassure yourself you aren't a bad person.

But in doing this you continue to define you as 'someone who never has a bad thought.' 

You reinforce the false belief 'having a bad thought can make you a bad person.'

These beliefs act like rules you've created on how the world works. And the rules are what sends you round the circle of doubt again and again. :( 

If you define you by the kind of thoughts you have then whenever a bad thought comes up the only possible way you can respond is ...this means I'm a bad person. :(  Unless I can label it as OCD.  :Lighten:  I have to know it's OCD so that  I can remain a good person. :unsure: 

Little wonder you get so desperate to know for certain that your 'bad' thoughts are OCD!  :ohmy: 

But what happens if you change the criteria used to define you? What if you change your belief to 'Having a bad thought doesn't define you as a bad person.'

When your world works according to the rule that good people are allowed to have bad thoughts, suddenly there are other possible ways to respond to having a bad thought. 

...this is a weird thought to have float through my head . 'I' don't think that! :laugh: 

...this thought is just a thought. It means nothing. It doesn't change who 'I' am, or threaten the way I see myself in any way. (*Shrug. Ignore thought and get on with your day. *)

The reason you're struggling isn't because you have these thoughts, or because you have OCD. You're struggling because you cling to the belief that having a bad thought threatens the person you are, threatens your morals and the values you hold dear. 

But that belief is wrong. Just plain wrong. The world doesn't work that way.

It's time you changed your 'rules' to fit in with the real world. People who have a strong sense of self don't feel their morals and values are threatened when they have a thought or feeling that is the opposite of what they truly believe or who they are at their core. They know it's just a thought and that the thoughts you have don't define who you are. So they dismiss the thought with ease and get on with living without anxiety or guilt. 

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8 hours ago, snowbear said:

 

When you have a thought you don't like you want to label it as OCD to separate it from you. Because it doesn't represent your personal values and morals.

When you judge a thought to be 'bad' you want to label it as OCD to reassure yourself you aren't a bad person.

But in doing this you continue to define you as 'someone who never has a bad thought.' 

You reinforce the false belief 'having a bad thought can make you a bad person.'

These beliefs act like rules you've created on how the world works. And the rules are what sends you round the circle of doubt again and again. :( 

If you define you by the kind of thoughts you have then whenever a bad thought comes up the only possible way you can respond is ...this means I'm a bad person. :(  Unless I can label it as OCD.  :Lighten:  I have to know it's OCD so that  I can remain a good person. :unsure: 

Little wonder you get so desperate to know for certain that your 'bad' thoughts are OCD!  :ohmy: 

But what happens if you change the criteria used to define you? What if you change your belief to 'Having a bad thought doesn't define you as a bad person.'

When your world works according to the rule that good people are allowed to have bad thoughts, suddenly there are other possible ways to respond to having a bad thought. 

...this is a weird thought to have float through my head . 'I' don't think that! :laugh: 

...this thought is just a thought. It means nothing. It doesn't change who 'I' am, or threaten the way I see myself in any way. (*Shrug. Ignore thought and get on with your day. *)

The reason you're struggling isn't because you have these thoughts, or because you have OCD. You're struggling because you cling to the belief that having a bad thought threatens the person you are, threatens your morals and the values you hold dear. 

But that belief is wrong. Just plain wrong. The world doesn't work that way.

It's time you changed your 'rules' to fit in with the real world. People who have a strong sense of self don't feel their morals and values are threatened when they have a thought or feeling that is the opposite of what they truly believe or who they are at their core. They know it's just a thought and that the thoughts you have don't define who you are. So they dismiss the thought with ease and get on with living without anxiety or guilt. 

Sorry for butting in a conversation... Reading this makes me want to cry because some of me wants to believe  it's true but it's so blinking hard. Ocd is so cruel. I want to trust what I'm thinking but I can't. Mine isn't a thought thing as such, but things I've done, mistakes. I can't accept them and I wish it would all disappear. Highly unlikely I know! 

Sorry again for intruding on the conversation. 

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Very helpful response thank you @snowbear I'm not gonna lie it will be difficult to get to that stage but I am determined to get my life back. Its so easy for OCD to drag me down though, it seems to have the last word no matter what. I want the last word. Do you guys think I will ever get better? Did you feel this way before you got well? 

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2 hours ago, Em00 said:

Sorry for butting in a conversation... Reading this makes me want to cry because some of me wants to believe  it's true but it's so blinking hard. Ocd is so cruel. I want to trust what I'm thinking but I can't. Mine isn't a thought thing as such, but things I've done, mistakes. I can't accept them and I wish it would all disappear. Highly unlikely I know! 

You're not 'butting in', you're joining the conversation. Big difference - so stop apologising, ok? :) 

Your difficulty is essentially the same problem as ocdsufferer85's. That is to say that both of you have a faulty belief which you need to challenge and change.

Em00, it sounds as if your belief is something like 'past mistakes can never be forgiven.' 

If that's what you believe then the only possible way to react when you remember a mistake you've made is to beat yourself up for it - every single time you think about the event, until you die. :(  Wow, that's a pretty harsh punishment you're inflicting on yourself.

But then harsh judgements call for harsh punishments, and 'mistakes can never be forgiven' is the harshest judgement known to humans.

It's also untrue.

Even the worst imaginable, meanest, cruellest act can be forgiven. So a mistake that was done without malicious intent? Shouldn't even register on the scale! Mistakes can be forgiven in a heartbeat - but you have to choose to forgive the person who made the mistake or cruel act. In this case, that means forgiving yourself. 

Accept the rule of non-forgiveness...which isn't a universal law by the way, it's just an arbitrary rule you made up... accept it's a false belief and start treating yourself the same way you treat others.

I mean, my goodness I hope you don't judge others with the same unforgiving nature you apply to yourself! :ohmy: But that brings up another issue many people with OCD have... the belief that they ought to be held to a higher standard than everybody else. Why? :confused1: 

It's another faulty belief. I happen to know it comes from low self-esteem and feeling you have to prove yourself, but the flip side of low self-esteem is an over-inflated ego and arguably it's because you think you're already better than the rest of us. :dry:  Truth is, you're neither better nor worse than anybody else. Nobody is perfect, nobody is all bad. We're all a mix of good intentions, mistakes and muddling through by doing the best we can. And as such we ALL deserve to be forgiven for our mistakes. End of. 

When you stop passing judgement, when you let go of the faulty belief that you shouldn't be forgiven, when you learn to trust that you are (and will remain) a good person at your core because mistakes are allowed, then this feeling you need to somehow fix or compensate for the past will disappear. 

One final point about people who set higher standards for themselves than they do for others  :-

It's often justified by adding 'but I'm a nice person because I don't judge other people, I forgive them!'  Well, I hate to break the bad news to you but that's yet another of those faulty beliefs. The truth is...

People who judge themselves harshly are the most judgemental people on earth. :dry: 

But people who know how to forgive themselves, who learn from their mistakes and move on without looking back, who understand guilt over the past is a waste of time and energy that's better spent in doing something good with their future - these people are the kindest, least judgemental folk in the world. They set the same standards for themselves as they set for everybody else, believing all human souls are equal. They are the ones you'd be honoured to call your friend, the ones to emulate. 

And what's really interesting is they are the kind of person you (wrongly) think you're being when you set your personal standards higher than you set your standards for others!

If you want to be the good, kind, non-judgemental person you're trying so hard to be by beating yourself up, then you have to start by putting yourself on a level footing with everybody else, accept the best way to be is to set yourself the same standards as everybody else, and accept your mistakes can be forgiven as easily and as readily as others can (and should) be forgiven.

It's not OCD that's cruel. It's you that's being cruel - by holding onto these kind of faulty beliefs. Making up rules that make your own life misery and help nobody. But you can (and should) challenge those beliefs. 

When you're ready, simply choose to change. Change your beliefs about how the world should work to something kinder and less judgemental - something that benefits the rest of the world as much as (or perhaps even more than) it benefits you.  Isn't that what a nice/good person does?

Hope I've given you both some food for thought. :) 

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2 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Very helpful response thank you @snowbear I'm not gonna lie it will be difficult to get to that stage but I am determined to get my life back. Its so easy for OCD to drag me down though, it seems to have the last word no matter what. I want the last word. Do you guys think I will ever get better? Did you feel this way before you got well? 

Hi ocdsufferer, sorry to hear your struggling at the moment, but things can and do improve :yes:

I think everyone feels this way before starting to make changes and I personally believe any one can make changes. But what's more important, is not what we think, but more how you think ? believe in yourself and every small step you achieve, praise yourself and when you begin to see the changes you make, this will give you the faith to carry on. 

You can do this :cheer:

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4 hours ago, snowbear said:

 

Hope I've given you both some food for thought. :) 

I'd have to argue about the judgement of others. In trying to understand myself I've done lots of work on compassion and forgiveness. I find myself seeing things from all sorts of views and being open and compassionate of other people's stories and actions. Always. 

But myself? I hate myself. I have no flexible thinking around that. I certainly don't think I'm better than others. I don't have high standards, I just believe I destroy things. 

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"People who judge themselves harshly are the most judgemental people on earth."

Wow, Snowbear, I've never thought of it this way before, thanks I've learned something new.

 

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