Feeling anxious and feeling the strain

[Cub]

Hi y'all

Hope you're all alright today and that you all have a good weekend.

I've been at home with my dad and have re-registered with my old doctor, whom I had an appointment with today. He was very keen to know about my state of mind, as he hasn't seen me for three years and the last time he saw me I was having a tough time. We chatted about the OCD and I explained I hadn't been altogether happy living away from home and he explained that OCD thoughts, while only thoughts, can sometimes control us. He made me feel a bit better and said he'd be on hand to help me regarding the antidepressants or anything like that. 

I have a job-interview on Monday and I'm really nervous about it and don't think I can sleep properly. It's a big deal and I'm scared if I don't get it I'll wind up a jobless and hopeless failure with gaps in my CV. I've seen this unemployment thing happen to other people and I feel the older you get, the less you can afford gaps in your career. I love being home but I know I can't stay. I've been thinking about the last three years I had in Wales and I just had this anxiety rattling in my head all the time. All the time. I couldn't help it. Now, I'm feeling better, because I'm not ruminating and I'm learning it won't get me anywhere; it's like I've taken the leap of faith and jumped clear over the bridge because now I feel I can think. But I've been worrying for years and years and I'm so scared I've wasted my twenties with it all. Granted, it hasn't been an easy ride, what with the death of my Mum and moving to Wales on my own and I only turned 27 a few months back.

I just feel like I won't ever be allowed to be happy and happiness is something I can't afford and that I won't get. Granted, I'm a lot happier now than I was a few months ago, but I wish I could go out into the world and not worry. I feel better because I'm not lonely, because I'm in a better quality of living, because I'm doing things I want to do, because I'm applying the 'what does it matter' logic but I can't stop the anxiety and I'm scared if I leave home again, it'll come back once I'm gone. I really struggled in Wales day by day and felt I was being smothered and that I couldn't think, couldn't do the things I wanted to do, couldn't go outside sometimes. I'm so glad to be out of there. 

I'm so scared I'll never be the person I was and that I'll never be able to fight the OCD again and that I'll never be strong enough. My grandma has dementia and I look at all the people in her nursing home and fear that I'll end up like that one day because I won't be able to cope mentally, won't be able to give myself structure and will always be worrying. It's like it's swallowing me up. 

I'm hanging on tight and I'm going to keep working on myself; but I can't stop that tired strain behind my eyes that's stopping me from engaging and I think there's a lot of pressure and stress there that I'm bottling up because I get so stressed so easily. I've often been scared to talk about my fears directly in case I make it worse and I just think I've fallen down and don't have a full repertoire of strength to deal with it like I used to. I'm exhausted with it and it feels a lot harder than it used to be and it feels like it's all my fault. 

Thanks for reading this.

C x

 

[snowbear]

21 hours ago, Cub said:

have a job-interview on Monday and I'm really nervous about it and don't think I can sleep properly. It's a big deal and I'm scared if I don't get it I'll wind up a jobless and hopeless failure with gaps in my CV. I've seen this unemployment thing happen to other people and I feel the older you get, the less you can afford gaps in your career.

Hi Cub,

This is one area where I can perhaps help ease your stress. Gaps in a CV by themselves aren't a problem - it's not having a reason for a gap in your CV that's the problem. 

If ever you find yourself in this situation because of your mental health simply fill the gap with a straightforward sentence 'Date - date:  Spent this time focused on improving my mental health and taking charge of my recovery (from OCD).' 

You can leave off the bit in brackets if you aren't comfortable sharing with potential employers what kind o health issues you have. 

Keep in mind that 1 in 4 people suffer mental health illness during their lifetime. That's an awful lot of sympathetic and understanding employers out there looking for employees. Believe me, they'll be a lot happier about employing somebody who is self-aware and 'taking control of their recovery' than someone who gets vague and embarrassed about having been unwell or unable to work because of any kind of illness. 

This is one area in life where holding your head up and speaking with quiet self-assurance is a huge advantage. Think of this as an exercise in building self-confidence - which is itself a valuable work skill.  

And good luck with the job interview.   Trust the universe that something will turn up which will be right for you and will enhance your life. The jobs you don't get simply weren't meant for you. 

[Cub]

That's made me feel so much better, Snowbear. Thankyou so much. I've been stressing out about it so badly. I think my anxiety is going to follow me wherever I go; you're right, the trick is learning to deal with it.

Thankyou for helping me approach the interview with a more open mind.

C x