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Emsie

Feeling low with my OCD

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I posted the following this morning on Daisy's thread about the brain/computer analogy but I want to start my own thread. 

Below is my post from this morning.

I'm really struggling right now. After many initial compulsions, I did what I consider to be a massive compulsion yesterday that at the time, as it was of the reassurance seeking nature (and cost money), gave me huge relief. But literally only 15 minutes later my OCD mind found a 'hole' in the reassurance.

I've been ruminating off and on since and doing other compulsions and I've now come up with more fears that weren't even on my radar yesterday before the huge compulsion that I did yesterday. I never would have considered these new fears. 

I'm on the verge of doing another huge compulsion to try and seek relief and more reassurance about the original fear and also the new fears that have arrived. The idea for this 'new' compulsion came to me this morning as a way out of all of this. It will cause a lot of anxiety even doing this compulsion and I've already thought how it could probably lead to more doubts and more fears and more reassurance seeking, as I know how my mind works, so I'm resisting, which is hard in the mornings when my anxiety levels are high. I'm going to really try not to do it. I'm really really trying not to do it. Deep down I know it's all OCD lies but its hard to see that at the same time. If I resist this 'new' compulsion I know it will free me from being stuck. Plus I need to stop ruminating too. 

I'm posting this here on Daisy's thread because I came online to re-read her great analogy and I have to say it's really helping me to resist this 'new' compulsion and other compulsions. So, thank you Daisy. 

Hope you're all ok. 

Thank you for reading this as I know it's a bit long. It's also good to get this off my chest and to say it all so that I don't feel alone. 

End of post from this morning

I just wanted to start my own thread because in hindsight I  should have done so this morning as my post wouldn't have been very obvious on someone else's thread and I'm feeling quite low with all of this. I didn't do the compulsion I was desperate to do today but I'm worried I'll cave and my anxiety will get the better of me and that I'll do it on another day soon to get the reassurance I need. My fears are so strong about this and I'm worried they'll never go if I don't do this compulsion. Just feeling a bit alone with all of this and it's tiring me out so much. Still on the waiting list for CBT so I feel a bit lost. 

Thank you for reading again as this is even longer now. 

Best wishes ?

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Hi Emsie,

Sorry your struggling, as you say yourself performing another compulsion will provide only temporary relief, but in no time at all you will probably want to do another one and then another one etc. The more you give to OCD  the it wants to take. It's never satisfied it just gets more and more greedy.

Sorry for short reply as I have to go now as I have to attend my son's birthday party we have to get to the venue to set things up. It may test my own fears so should hopefully be productive on that score!

but just wanted to say try to resist the compulsion, the urge will decrease over time. maybe try and plan something for your day as a distraction too? 

Avo

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Hi Emsie,

hopefully you won’t have to wait long for your CBT, until then and if you haven’t already I would suggest reading a self help book. This may help to prepare you for your upcoming therapy. 

I felt incredibly low when I was in the grips of ocd and not receiving therapy. Now I can say that the more I go against ocd the happier I feel. My world has become bigger because of this. It wasn’t easy, tackling ocd takes courage and hard work, but the rewards are so worth it.

hope you are feeling a bit better today Emsie :) 

Storm x

 

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Hi emsie, hope you are feeling a little better this morning. I think you are doing just marvellous resisting the compulsion. Having the knowledge that giving in is not helpful and only leads to further compulsions will hopefully give you the strength to keep resisting. 

I totally understand your frustration with having to wait for therapy as that is the position I too find myself in. Remember you are never alone and that we are all here to listen and help keep you strong in this battle. I have found so much comfort in this forum from kind and caring people like yourself. I think knowing you are not alone is a huge relief. Take care and keep strong. Lisa x 

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Hi Avo, Storm and Lisa,

Thank you so much for your replies, I cannot tell you how much they mean to me. I felt so anxious this morning, but when I read your lovely, thoughtful and kind words it gave me the lift and encouragement that I needed. 

Everything that you all said has helped so much and I cannot thank you enough. You are so kind and caring. It really did make such a huge difference to me. It gave me so much comfort and relief that I'm not alone and the courage to fight.

Avo - I hope your son had a fab birthday party and that you enjoyed it. I'm hoping too that it was productive if it did test your own fears as you said earlier.

Thank you so much to all of you for everything and I hope you've all had a good day. 

Best wishes, 

Em X 

Edited by Emsie

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Hi Emsie,

I am glad your feeling better this evening and hope you managed to resist the compulsion? I also sympathise with your long wait for CBT,( I remember you posting about it a few months back, I hope its not too much longer).

I have had a few different bouts of CBT over the years my longest wait in another part of the country from where I live now I had to wait about 18 months. 

Where I now live for my current CBT I was lucky and waited just a few weeks, postcode lottery indeed.

Have you tried any books on OCD In terms of help while your waiting? I know break free from OCD is a good one to read, so to the four steps, I think both can be bought via OCD UK.  I think understanding OCD as much as possible is (hopefully!) giving me a proper understanding of the disorder. 

Party was good thanks, my son was 5 last week and he seemed to have a nice time with his friends, he has just started school and is finding the adjustment from pre-school a bit tough going so it was nice to see him having fun. I did find myself exposed to some of my worries which has been good -I think? if a little stressful. 

Good to hear your sounding a bit better.

Avo

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Hi Avo,

Thanks so much for your message. Thank you, I am feeling better this evening, I seem to have calmed down a bit. I did manage to resist the compulsion thank you, I've just got to be careful tomorrow, especially in the morning when my anxiety peaks. I'll keep busy and not give myself opportunity to do any compulsions.

Thanks so much for messaging me this morning too when you had a busy day with your son's party, that was so kind of you and as I said in my last message, it meant so much and helped me so much. It really did give me the lift and encouragement that I needed. 

Thank you about my CBT, hopefully I'll hear something soon. That's so good you had only a short wait for your current CBT. I hope it's going really well.

You are so right, I need to read to understand more. I have got a copy of Break Free, I started to read it and then struggled finding  the time with looking after my little lady, but I must get back on track with that so I can learn as much about OCD as I can. Thank you for the nudge. I'm so glad it's giving you a proper understanding of the disorder. 

I'm so pleased the party was good and your son had fun and a nice time with his friends.  I hope he finds the adjustment from pre school to school easier soon. Bless their hearts, it's a big step for them and they are still so little when they go to school in this country. 

I'm glad for you that you feel that the exposure to some of your worries at the party was good. Well done! That's so positive. It was bound to be stressful and I hope that feeling has gone for you now. I really hope you're keeping well.

Thank you, I am feeling a bit better and thanks so much for all your support and encouragement.

Em ?

Edited by Emsie

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