I am so ill

[Saz]

Thanks binxy. Yes I think I can guess who you mean. Yes the triggers are the worst. Maybe I was just triggered last night...but boy am I in a state. I did read your post aswell yesterday but I was just to overwhelmed and didn't acknowledge it so I do apologise. I'm no better today, I'm off work thank God but am going out with my mum to get some more Halloween bits for the kids for later. I really just felt like I was the same as that guy I read about last night...I don't know how to tell the difference, all I think is that he can 100% remember and I can't. I wish one of you could come and meet up with me and help me. 

[Binxy]

No need to apologise. Make sure you stay busy today Saz- sounds like you've got plenty to do. It's got you good at the moment. Remember, every time it pops into your head, leave it alone and focus on what you were doing- don't try to push it away, just don't engage with it.  You'll have to put up with that guilty feeling in your stomach for now (this sucks and is a really hard part) but if you keep doing the right thing eventually it will ease.  Zero tolerance to rumination Saz.

[Saz]

I just did something pretty stupid. I was reading old messages on my old phone and I thought I would read messages from when I was at the wedding and around that time but I've ended up feeling even worse, if that's even possible! I thought I would do some exposure to try and read these messages without judgement and try not to react to them but I've just become ever more confused and distressed. All the times are wrong for the messages I think because I was abroad, so not sure now if they have reverted back to English time or if the time is correct.... I read messages from my partner being so nice to me around that time and I feel even more guilty now and sick to the pit of my stomach. I just can't look at that event without thinking something seriously wrong happened. I'm in bits. 

[Binxy]

Oh, Saz.  Sounds more like you might have been reassurance seeking rather than trying some exposure (you need some support with the latter and it needs to be planned- what you've done is called flooding).  I still have a phone at home with all the messages that I sent from hospital 3 years ago on it- I'm not ready to look at those yet.

It's done now and you're going to feel pants I'm afraid.  Remember the rules: label any thoughts as OCD, refocus on what you were doing or find a nice distraction.  The anxiety won't go away immediately but it will pass eventually.  Make sure you chalk this one up to experience for now.

[Saz]

The visual images and scenarios are completely bombarding me, it's all too detailed not to be false. I'm not getting any relief from this, it's been every waking minute today. Every time that image comes I get a massive rush of anxiety and a knot in my stomach. 

Edited November 2, 2017 by Saz

[Saz]

Feel like I've gone back in time and I'm experiencing the worst anxiety and worry like I felt the morning after I woke up from the wedding.  My body feels almost frozen with fear and it's telling me I definitely did something very wrong. I'm so sorry to post, Im waiting on cbt but It's like I'm getting it for the wrong reasons. I don't know if the horrendous anxiety came first after the wedding and then I thought of the horrific scenario or whether that scenario was already there and I just couldn't remember it at first... hence the feeling of something not being right from the off. 

[Mellee]

On 30/10/2017 at 10:29, Binxy said:

OCD sucks Saz.  It will slowly take over your life if you don't do something about it.  Originally my only worry was about contracting HIV.  I managed about 4 years before it changed into the "false memory" stuff.  It changed and changed- four years later I was convinced that I had committed some really hideous crimes; this eventually led me to hit absolutely rock bottom.   It's crucial that you get help and start implementing what you're being told- the latter being the hardest but most important part.

Let us know how you get on with the therapist.

Hope you feel better soon.

Binx

Yes for sure ocd surely does suck.i had obsessional thoughts about HIV years ago...and now I have obsessional thoughts that I may have seriously hurt or murdered a baby...it’s OCD that’s doing this to me,I’m getting help with this but am so very depressed...I’ve got a good therapist.....sending positive energies and thoughts to all of us....love mellee xxx

[Mellee]

10 hours ago, Saz said:

Feel like I've gone back in time and I'm experiencing the worst anxiety and worry like I felt the morning after I woke up from the wedding.  My body feels almost frozen with fear and it's telling me I definitely did something very wrong. I'm so sorry to post, Im waiting on cbt but It's like I'm getting it for the wrong reasons. I don't know if the horrendous anxiety came first after the wedding and then I thought of the horrific scenario or whether that scenario was already there and I just couldn't remember it at first... hence the feeling of something not being right from the off. 

That feeling Saz...frozen with fear.oh god I know it so so well.i feel your emotional pain my darling. We both need CBT....are you on a waiting list for this sweetheart...OCD bully.OCD bully....that’s what we have got.....we must fight together sweetheart...we are good people ...it’s not fair for us to suffer this xxx

[Saz]

On 20/10/2017 at 20:37, PolarBear said:

It all boils down to an irrational fear and compulsions.

I know you say you don't ruminate but I'm quite sure you do. You think about this almost non stop. You think about losing your children. You go over it and over it in your mind. You think worst case scenario all the time.

What will it be like 10 or 15 ears from now? Your kids will be grown up, lives of their own. Do you think you're going to look back on the last 10 or 15 years and pat yourself on the back for all the endless worrying and ruminating you did? You will have wasted that much of life on an irrational fear and compulsions.

What is this now, five years in? You still have not one shred of evidence that you did anything wrong. Not one. Every day you have the choice to believe you are a bad person and did something completely out of character that you should punish yourself for forever or to believe you are a good person who has a terribly convincing mental disorder. Every day you have that choice but for the past 1,500+ days you've chosen to believe the former. And where has that got you?

Hi polar. Really feel bad dragging this out but when you talk about 'evidence'  I can't help but think there wouldn't necessarily be any. Caramoole has mentioned this before also and like you says, there is no evidence of a crime, no witnesses, nobody coming forward to accuse me... But what about all these people that are only coming forward now years later? I don't want to go into detail as it causes mass panic but my 'false memory' wouldn't produce witnesses etc. Yes the news that's on the TV now and all the horrible Hollywood stuff isn't helping BUT I have always thought this way about my fear. 

[Saz]

21 hours ago, Mellee said:

That feeling Saz...frozen with fear.oh god I know it so so well.i feel your emotional pain my darling. We both need CBT....are you on a waiting list for this sweetheart...OCD bully.OCD bully....that’s what we have got.....we must fight together sweetheart...we are good people ...it’s not fair for us to suffer this xxx

Thanks mellee, yes I'm on a waiting list for private cbt, it's proving a bit difficult to find a time that suits us both, but hopefully something will get sorted soon. Sorry you also struggle

 

[Caramoole]

Hi Saz

I've read your PM and popped over here to have a look at your thread.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so dreadful, it's absolutely draining

Sadly though, it brings me back to that same advice that's been offered many times.  You can't get better or start feeling better by usung compulsions to try and solve/resolve your obsession.  No matter how many which ways you ask, nothing changes.....nothing can change until you start to apply those changes.  It's something none of us want to hear, we just want someone to say something that will make this stop.....it won't happen.  Change makes things happen, and it's hard but it's the only way.....constant, daily, repeated change and acceptance of what OCD is capable of making us feel and believe.  It will be the same with therapy, there will have to be acceptance in the face of overwhelming doubt.

On 02/11/2017 at 19:42, Saz said:

The visual images and scenarios are completely bombarding me, it's all too detailed not to be false. I'm not getting any relief from this, it's been every waking minute today. Every time that image comes I get a massive rush of anxiety and a knot in my stomach. 

It's exhausting and distressing but nothing sinister, it's just a sympton of extreme anxiety and the battle that you're in the middle of, of trying to stop it by working it out.  It's almost like your brain is in over-heated mode.

[PolarBear]

6 hours ago, Saz said:

Hi polar. Really feel bad dragging this out but when you talk about 'evidence'  I can't help but think there wouldn't necessarily be any. Caramoole has mentioned this before also and like you says, there is no evidence of a crime, no witnesses, nobody coming forward to accuse me... But what about all these people that are only coming forward now years later? I don't want to go into detail as it causes mass panic but my 'false memory' wouldn't produce witnesses etc. Yes the news that's on the TV now and all the horrible Hollywood stuff isn't helping BUT I have always thought this way about my fear. 

You have raised this issue before. That there are people coming forward about suffered abuse years later is NOT evidence that your thoughts are true. It's not. You keep hanging onto that, thinking what if? What about every other person on the planet? How do they know they wont be accused five, ten or twenty years from now? The fact is they don't. The only differences between you and them is that you have normal, everyday intrusive thoughts about causing harm and you dwell on them endlessly. Everyone else doesntthink about it all. They're off with their lives, unconcerned about what could be.

Every time you are spiked when you read about someone facing the music for past deeds, you ALLOW OCD to take over. In an instsnt you agree that its scary, relevant to you and requiring excess brain power to ruminate and worry. Reading about someone else's problem does not have to be scary, has zero relevance to you and is not worthy of ruminating and worry if you choose that is the case.

You've got to get tough with your OCD. Every time youre spiked you've got to say to yourself, "That has nothing to do with me," then refuse to ruminate over it. Refuse to worry what would happen to you and your kids. You have to do that Every time, hundreds of times, for months on end to break free from the disorder that hounds you.

[Saz]

23 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Saz

I've read your PM and popped over here to have a look at your thread.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so dreadful, it's absolutely draining

Sadly though, it brings me back to that same advice that's been offered many times.  You can't get better or start feeling better by usung compulsions to try and solve/resolve your obsession.  No matter how many which ways you ask, nothing changes.....nothing can change until you start to apply those changes.  It's something none of us want to hear, we just want someone to say something that will make this stop.....it won't happen.  Change makes things happen, and it's hard but it's the only way.....constant, daily, repeated change and acceptance of what OCD is capable of making us feel and believe.  It will be the same with therapy, there will have to be acceptance in the face of overwhelming doubt.

It's exhausting and distressing but nothing sinister, it's just a sympton of extreme anxiety and the battle that you're in the middle of, of trying to stop it by working it out.  It's almost like your brain is in over-heated mode.

 

21 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You have raised this issue before. That there are people coming forward about suffered abuse years later is NOT evidence that your thoughts are true. It's not. You keep hanging onto that, thinking what if? What about every other person on the planet? How do they know they wont be accused five, ten or twenty years from now? The fact is they don't. The only differences between you and them is that you have normal, everyday intrusive thoughts about causing harm and you dwell on them endlessly. Everyone else doesntthink about it all. They're off with their lives, unconcerned about what could be.

Every time you are spiked when you read about someone facing the music for past deeds, you ALLOW OCD to take over. In an instsnt you agree that its scary, relevant to you and requiring excess brain power to ruminate and worry. Reading about someone else's problem does not have to be scary, has zero relevance to you and is not worthy of ruminating and worry if you choose that is the case.

You've got to get tough with your OCD. Every time youre spiked you've got to say to yourself, "That has nothing to do with me," then refuse to ruminate over it. Refuse to worry what would happen to you and your kids. You have to do that Every time, hundreds of times, for months on end to break free from the disorder that hounds you.

Thank you both. 

That was one hell of a week for me anxiety wise and to top it off I ended up with a very unpleasant sickness bug over the weekend...as did the rest of the family. That baby weight has all gone and then some! 

I know I need to make changes, I just find it very hard. 

Just when I think I have a good day I get spiked from these awful stories and. I've even started questioning how anybody we know could be one of those awful people...i know that's a slippery slope to another potential obsession so I'm trying to nip that in the bud. 

For me these stories strike massive fear because it's not just internationally or nationally you hear about it, I am always reading stories in my local paper of things coming out years later and it terrifies me. I know what your saying when you say all these other people don't know if they would be accused in years and carry on with their lives... But most of these people would not have had a thought that they believe could be real. Anyway I won't go on as I think you understand what I'm trying to say and I know I very often repeat myself.

[Saz]

Also I keep thinking about the therapist lady I seen a couple years ago and that she might start to think about me and worry that she got it wrong and that I could have a real memory. I often worry about this with the 2 friends I've told, I worry they will tell someone who will report me. I'm trying to see these as an ocd thought but as I said above, everything is so difficult. 

[Nikki79]

Saz I am currently really struggling myself and probably not much good to you. I do believe however I can see clearly when someone is suffering from blatant OCD and even though I struggle with my own. You are a caring wonderful person who has polar opposite disorder to who you really are. This is how it works. Take care x

[Saz]

7 hours ago, Nikki79 said:

Saz I am currently really struggling myself and probably not much good to you. I do believe however I can see clearly when someone is suffering from blatant OCD and even though I struggle with my own. You are a caring wonderful person who has polar opposite disorder to who you really are. This is how it works. Take care x

Thanks Nikki79, that's really kind. So sorry your struggling too x

[Saz]

My partner was talking this morning about when he was around 17/18,  he got so drunk whilst on a skiing trip on new years eve,  that he was wondering around the hotel he was staying in and going in and out of peoples hotel rooms! He said that he only found out the next day when people told him! Apparently he was going in and sitting down next to people in their room! He said obviously the next day he was very embarrassed and had no recollection of this happening. This really worries me and I think this could have been me but with a toilet cubicle at that wedding. It sounds very plausible now to me. Let's not forget I have awful images. It's things like this that make me believe I'm not dealing with an intrusive thought!

 

[PolarBear]

Same old same old Saz. Nothing new here. Your OCD is latching onto stories like this and saying, see... This is evidence you did what you fear. It's not evidence of anything. It has nothing to do with you and what happened at a wedding years ago.

The question is, what did you do upon hearing your partner's story? Did youdismiss it as irrelevant and geton with your day or did you immediately start ruminating, making your situation worse?

It's all about the way you react to intrusive thoughts.

[Saz]

23 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Same old same old Saz. Nothing new here. Your OCD is latching onto stories like this and saying, see... This is evidence you did what you fear. It's not evidence of anything. It has nothing to do with you and what happened at a wedding years ago.

The question is, what did you do upon hearing your partner's story? Did youdismiss it as irrelevant and geton with your day or did you immediately start ruminating, making your situation worse?

It's all about the way you react to intrusive thoughts.

It made me think of my fear straight away.. So yes I guess I started ruminating

[Saz]

14 minutes ago, Saz said:

It made me think of my fear straight away.. So yes I guess I started ruminating

And just to add it does make me think anything can happen when drunk, people can tell me I'm a good person but good people do bad things I'm sure...there is no relief from this at all. The very familiar feeling of utter dread that I had the day after is with me now. What am I missing? Seriously

Edited November 7, 2017 by Saz

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, Saz said:

What am I missing? Seriously

You're missing every bit of evidence about an anxiety disorder called OCD!!  Well-known, well-documented in respect of symptoms and the treatment of.

Whilst I'm not dismissing the severity and strength of the doubts you have at all, you're not a new sufferer to whom this is all new knowledge of which they had no prior idea of.  This has been discussed repeatedly now for four years, often on a daily basis Saz.....there does come a point where we have to take that leap of faith and apply the advice or stay stuck.

Each time you type out these doubts, these fears... you are carrying out compulsions, reaching out for reassurance, for certainty, for clarity....self-berating, ruminating to name but a few.  It just isn't going to work but what is guaranteed is that you won't make any progress.

[ohwhyhello]

I think at some point, you need to decide that enough is enough. I've followed a few of your posts, and all I see is self pity and supplication to the OCD monster. How about taking a stand? Deciding enough is enough and taking a stand? If you refuse to do so, things will indefinitely stay the same, I guarantee you. You will live the next 50 years in the same way, pondering, ruminating, researching, being terrified of potential triggers. Accept that you might or might not have OCD, accept that you might or might not have done something horrible, and persist despite that, refusing to engage in these ruminations which have clearly made your life not so great in the last few years. The choice is yours. Which will you chose?

[Saz]

1 hour ago, ohwhyhello said:

I think at some point, you need to decide that enough is enough. I've followed a few of your posts, and all I see is self pity and supplication to the OCD monster. How about taking a stand? Deciding enough is enough and taking a stand? If you refuse to do so, things will indefinitely stay the same, I guarantee you. You will live the next 50 years in the same way, pondering, ruminating, researching, being terrified of potential triggers. Accept that you might or might not have OCD, accept that you might or might not have done something horrible, and persist despite that, refusing to engage in these ruminations which have clearly made your life not so great in the last few years. The choice is yours. Which will you chose?

Had to look up what 'supplication' meant then! 

I don't mean to come across as self pitying, Im just very frightened. 

I've had good advice, I really need to try and take that leap of faith, I know all this. I wish with all my heart and soul that I could get out of this 'mess' I've found myself in. It's very hard to say 'I may or may not have ocd' given the nature of the fear. To be honest I definitely have ocd, anyone on here will tell you that, I need to come to terms with the fact I have ocd about an intrusive thought. I need to trust and let go... 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Saz,

I just wanted to write something here because I too have been horribly spiked by all the recent news stories and have recently had a dreadful relapse which ruined the holiday I just went on. I am finding myself struggling with similar thoughts to you, and I am having to apply all the same advice you are being given and finding it very difficult.  I understand why you find it so hard.

That said - despite how much anxiety and pain you (and I) are experiencing, the advice remains the same. 

You have got to start tolerating uncertainty round this.  And before you respond with "I can't accept uncertainty because the thought is so serious" etc etc, this does not mean your thought is true.  This is patently and obviously OCD.  We know that.  But your OCD doesn't know that.  Your OCD thinks this is a real problem and you absolutely have to eliminate any chance of it being true.  Every time you think of it that way, you are reinforcing the problem.  You have to start taking the necessary steps to rewire your brain, allow it to calm down and move off this topic - it can't do that while you are constantly training it to see this thought as very important.

You've got to start sitting with uncertainty, stop trying to eliminate it, take a leap of faith that this is OCD but you can't know absolutely for sure, that you have to carry on with your life anyway.  This is scary and painful but it is the only way to treat this.  The thought is not the issue, OCD is the issue.  You can only get rid of this by treating the OCD.  And this means tolerating and sitting with the uncertainty about this, taking a leap of faith and carrying on with your life regardless, teaching your brain that it doesn't need to focus on this. 

You are suffering from an illness, a well-documented illness which can be treated.  Currently you are behaving like a diabetic who eats loads of sweets and doesn't take insulin shots and wonders why they then get health issues and complications.

You can do this and this can go away but you have to go against your intuitions for a while - you have to sit with the possibility that this is true, NOT because it might be true but because it is the only way to rewire your brain.  Rewiring your brain is the priority here, not solving the thought.

You can do this xx

[Saz]

On 10/11/2017 at 15:54, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Saz,

I just wanted to write something here because I too have been horribly spiked by all the recent news stories and have recently had a dreadful relapse which ruined the holiday I just went on. I am finding myself struggling with similar thoughts to you, and I am having to apply all the same advice you are being given and finding it very difficult.  I understand why you find it so hard.

That said - despite how much anxiety and pain you (and I) are experiencing, the advice remains the same. 

You have got to start tolerating uncertainty round this.  And before you respond with "I can't accept uncertainty because the thought is so serious" etc etc, this does not mean your thought is true.  This is patently and obviously OCD.  We know that.  But your OCD doesn't know that.  Your OCD thinks this is a real problem and you absolutely have to eliminate any chance of it being true.  Every time you think of it that way, you are reinforcing the problem.  You have to start taking the necessary steps to rewire your brain, allow it to calm down and move off this topic - it can't do that while you are constantly training it to see this thought as very important.

You've got to start sitting with uncertainty, stop trying to eliminate it, take a leap of faith that this is OCD but you can't know absolutely for sure, that you have to carry on with your life anyway.  This is scary and painful but it is the only way to treat this.  The thought is not the issue, OCD is the issue.  You can only get rid of this by treating the OCD.  And this means tolerating and sitting with the uncertainty about this, taking a leap of faith and carrying on with your life regardless, teaching your brain that it doesn't need to focus on this. 

You are suffering from an illness, a well-documented illness which can be treated.  Currently you are behaving like a diabetic who eats loads of sweets and doesn't take insulin shots and wonders why they then get health issues and complications.

You can do this and this can go away but you have to go against your intuitions for a while - you have to sit with the possibility that this is true, NOT because it might be true but because it is the only way to rewire your brain.  Rewiring your brain is the priority here, not solving the thought.

You can do this xx

Hi gbg, so nice to hear from you... Sorry to to see you are also struggling. You give such amazing advice but it's always so much harder to take your own isn't it. 

I said I was coming off the forums for a bit but as you know that's sometimes easier said than done, I had a look on here and seen you posted and wanted to acknowledge that and say thank you so much. Missed you around the forums, you were such a good friend to me on here. 

No need to for me to explain how bad I've been, it's been horrific. When I read your advice I felt calm and had perspective... But it doesn't last long for me. I honestly don't know how people can 'confidently' say it's all just a thought. How do I know I haven't done the dreaded thing my mind has conjured up! 5 years have past, no evidence but as the news suggests time doesn't mean anything when things like this are concerned. I am very wary of triggering you gbg, I don't want to do that, but I know our fear is pretty similar to an extent. Funny how I can see completely yours is nothing but irrational worry but I really empathise with you because it's torture. X

 

 

Edited November 12, 2017 by Saz