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I can't tell if this is a real concern?


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Hi everyone,

l'm not sure if I should be posting as I am feeling somewhat better about this but I just can't tell for sure if this 'worry' is all my OCD? Also, I'm anxious about it being a long post so that I can be clear about it all. Plus, I'm anxious that posting could be a compulsion and I'm anxious about the replies I'll get.

I'll try and be brief.

One of my OCD fears is my health, but health fears have recently moved from me to my 2 year old daughter.  It started with raised lymph nodes, the GP reassured me all was well but she did refer her to a paediatrician for a second opinion. All was well after that appointment except the paediatrician ordered a blood test for my daughter as her routine procedure and it resulted in everything being normal except a marginally low haemoglobin, which she said was very common in her age group. So I've had lots of triggers with letters from the hospital, interactions with GP getting a iron supplement prescription and problems about who should order the repeat blood test, GP or paediatrician. This has all kept my anxiety bubbling. I'm not worried about her low haemoglobin but it's just kept her health in my mind I guess.

Then when bathing her I was looking at her toes and I worried they weren't as straight as they should be and I'd damaged her feet with socks being too tight. This resulted in a huge compulsion of paying for her to see a podiatrist, who said her feet were perfect. This reassured me but I then latched on to other things the podiatrist said and worried about them and had to seek reassurance from my husband and ringing the receptionist at the podiatrists. 

Anyway, the feet worry has gone and below is my new worry that I can't tell if it is my OCD.

When I bathed her the other evening I was drying her bottom with her back towards me and I became aware of something I knew was there and she's had since birth. It's hard to describe, but towards the top of her bum crease she has a kinda dent/valley. When I saw it something flashed in my mind....is that a cause for concern? I dismissed it and thought something like, don't latch on to that. Then I remembered we asked my midwife about it during a home visit when my daughter was just a few days old. The midwife scared us a bit at the time as she said that when that area was open, that its Spina Bifida (I think she said Spina Bifida) but as my daughters was closed its fine. To be honest I don't remember what she said, but I wasn't worried afterwards. My OCD was in remission then and I haven't thought about it since. 

Trouble is after bath time when my daughter was asleep, I googled Spina Bifida and I found out that there is a closed version of the condition, which apparently lots of people have without even knowing but it doesn't cause any issues. I should have stopped there, but I went on to find out that a subgroup of people in that category have something called OSD, which does cause significant health issues. Maybe not now at my daughters age as she's only 2, but later on as children grow the condition tethers the spinal cord. So symptoms and serious health issues come later. 

I sort of reassured myself through more googling that my daughter doesn't have the OSD form, but then the next day I googled again and found out more and more info that has scared me that she could have the OSD form. I've googled so much, pictures of what it looks like externally, as babies have outward signs for example a sarcral dimple. It's this sacral dimple that I've really latched on to and I'm trying to work out if my daughter has one in the area I'm concerned about in her bum crease. I've looked at research articles on the link between sacral dimples and OSD. I've read parenting forums and NHS guidelines for midwives on how to spot sacral dimples and other outward signs of OSD. I keep looking at my little girls bottom crease to try and work out if she has a sacral dimple, not proud to admit that and I even took a few photos with my phone so I didn't need to keep checking on her, even less proud of that. I've deleted the photos now as I just kept looking at them to work out if she has a sacral dimple and comparing them with pictures online of sacral dimples and I simply don't know if she has one or not.

There are guidelines for health professionals to follow to assess if there is a concern or not about sacral dimples, which I keep reading. Apparently, if it's within the bottom crease it's not an issue as the dimple won't affect the spine and spinal cord in that position. Also, apparently, sacral dimples are common, with about 4% of babies having them. The area I'm worried about on my daughter is within the bottom crease and like I say I don't even know if it is a sacral dimple as the pictures online in research publications are all different and I can't tell if my daughter has one or not. I keep thinking my daughter does have a sacral dimple because when I separate the area with my fingers I think I can see a dimple shape and sometimes it looks like there's 3 dimples (one above the other separated by a small gap) in a certain light, but I'm not sure if it would be classified as a sacral dimple or as 3 sacral dimples. But if she does have one/them, then apparently where it is/they are isn't a cause for concern, but I don't know for sure where it is/they are isn't a cause for concern as I'm not a paediatrician. There are guidelines that in newborns if a sacral dimple is less than 2.5cm from the anus it's fine, but she's not a newborn now, she's 2, so that guideline doesn't help me. A lot of the pictures of sacral dimples in newborns look like small holes/pits and I don't remember her having that as a baby. 

Ive talked to my husband about my fears (I haven't explained to him at all about all my research findings on sacral dimples though as I found all of that out after I asked him for reassurance) and he's not worried at all. He said he's got a dent there and he even showed me, which reassured me at the time. I've still got my daughters newborn health check report that was done at the hospital when she was born and it says for 'spine 'and 'anus' that no abnormalities were detected. So I don't see how they could have missed the area that I'm worrying about as it was very obvious when she was a baby and what I'm worried about is located at the bottom of the spine just above her anus. Trouble is I've read parenting forums where mums have said that their babies sacral dimples were missed at the checks and seem to be having serious health issues because of them.

Ive spent so much time on google over the last few days. One night, after I thought I'd stopped worrying about it all, I started again and was up until 4am googling! Not good. The last few days I've spent a lot of time in a hospital too because my dear friend unfortunately miscarried and I took her for all of her appointments. So I guess that setting may be a trigger as I walked past the children's hospital quite a few times and we had to go on the maternity wards too.

I have got better over the last few days, I'm thinking about it less and less and have googled for only about 30 mins yesterday to read some things to reassure me that if my daughter does have a sacral dimple or sacral dimples as in 3 of them, then it's no cause for concern and normal. But I also read if a baby has more than one dimple there's a much higher risk of OSD, so that scares me as in some lights it looks like she has 3 dimples. However this research publication did say that other sacral dimples are usually above the bum crease and my daughters aren't, if she does have 3. 

I haven't googled today and I am ruminating less and less. But it still does come in to my head. If I hadn't have initially googled, this would have never have become a fear. It wasn't a fear until I googled. I never would have known any of this and worried about sacral dimples and OSD. 

What do people think? Is this an OCD fear? Am I catastrophising? I don't want to take her to the GP, because it would be reassurance seeking and I wouldn't totally believe them if they did reassure me as they are not paediatricians and specialists. I even googled private paediatricians last night, thinking that if this won't go away I could pay to see a specialist quickly for their opinion. 

Does this sound like OCD? I'm worried it's a real cause of concern for my daughters health. 

Thank you so much for reading if you got this far.

Edited by Emsie
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Yes Emsie this is an OCD problem. You've noticed something with your daughter's back and basically because you got her feet checked out with a podiatrist, you now feel like you should get this checked out too. I don't think you should have had her feet checked and I don't think you should have this checked out either. You can't ever be sure nothing is wrong but your OCD is demanding more and more certainty, certainty you'll never get. You need to go off how your husband reacted, he thought it wasn't worth checking out and is willing to accept that uncertainty. 

Edited by Gemma7
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15 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

Yes Emsie this is an OCD problem. You've noticed something with your daughter's back and basically because you got her feet checked out with a podiatrist, you now feel like you should get this checked out too. I don't think you should have had her feet checked and I don't think you should have this checked out either. You can't ever be sure nothing is wrong but your OCD is demanding more and more certainty, certainty you'll never get. You need to go off how your husband reacted, he thought it wasn't worth checking out and is willing to accept that uncertainty. 

Oh bless you Gemma and thank you so much. Whilst you were replying, I did edit my post with some additional information, especially about there being possibly 3 dimples in my daughters bum crease and I also added some others things too. Please could I trouble you to re read my post and tell me if you still think the same and your reply is still the same. Sorry to be a pain, it's just that I edited my post and you didn't read the edited version and I need to know that you know the full story and if it effects your reply to me. 

Edited by Emsie
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22 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

Yes Emsie this is an OCD problem. You've noticed something with your daughter's back and basically because you got her feet checked out with a podiatrist, you now feel like you should get this checked out too. I don't think you should have had her feet checked and I don't think you should have this checked out either. You can't ever be sure nothing is wrong but your OCD is demanding more and more certainty, certainty you'll never get. You need to go off how your husband reacted, he thought it wasn't worth checking out and is willing to accept that uncertainty. 

Also, Gemma, you said I needed to go off how my husband reacted, but as I described in the edited final version of my post, I didn't tell him about sacral dimples and all my research about them because when I asked him for reassurances I hadn't done the research about sacral dimples then. So can I still go off how my husband reacted as I didn't tell him anything about sacral dimples and everything I found out about them?

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23 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Sorry to be a pain, it's just that I edited my post and you didn't read the edited version and I need to know that you know the full story and if it effects your reply to me. 

You're not being a pain Emsie :)

You're looking for reassurance that you've given me all the information as a form of check to make sure I definitely think your problem is OCD. I think you are a worried mum who is wanting to make sure that their daughter is ok, 100% sure. But you never will be, you have to go with what is most likely. It's most likely that there is nothing wrong. You said yourself you weren't worried until you started checking. That is OCD, plain and simple. 

The information your husband had was all you had until you started googling it, and the difference between him and you is OCD. Treat this like OCD, you are not being irresponsible in doing this, you are simply doing what all parents do when they can't explain something, they just go with what is most likely when there child appears fit and healthy :)

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Hi Emsie,

I think Gemma has summed the situation up well, your a responsible Mum who is wanting the best for her daughter, completely normal and responsible.

However your catastrophizing the situation out of all proportion.

Googling until 4am, is a massive compulsion I bet if you were feeling tired it won't have helped. I also expect if you daughter is anything like my son they are waking up around 6am which would leave you extremely tired the following day leaving you with almost no sleep, and when your that tired everything seems worse, also checking pictures on your phone is a big compulsion too, you did right deleting them. 

Leave google alone. As you say it has just caused you more anxiety and distress, the more we try and re-assure ourselves the more doubtful we become. Make the rest of today a google free zone. 

I hope things are feeling a bit better for you as the day goes on?

Avo

 

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1 hour ago, Gemma7 said:

You're not being a pain Emsie :)

You're looking for reassurance that you've given me all the information as a form of check to make sure I definitely think your problem is OCD. I think you are a worried mum who is wanting to make sure that their daughter is ok, 100% sure. But you never will be, you have to go with what is most likely. It's most likely that there is nothing wrong. You said yourself you weren't worried until you started checking. That is OCD, plain and simple. 

The information your husband had was all you had until you started googling it, and the difference between him and you is OCD. Treat this like OCD, you are not being irresponsible in doing this, you are simply doing what all parents do when they can't explain something, they just go with what is most likely when there child appears fit and healthy :)

Thank you so much Gemma.

When you said 

1 hour ago, Gemma7 said:

You said yourself you weren't worried until you started checking. That is OCD, plain and simple. 

Did you mean I wasn't worried until I starting googling? (Because you said I wasn't worried until I started checking). It was googling that caused the fear, I didn't have the fear until I started googling. 

My husband knew some of the information from my googling and about OSD when I asked him for reassurance, just not most of my research on sacral dimples that I did afterwards and I also haven't told him that I think I can see maybe 1 or 3 dimples in her bum crease. Can I still go off how my husband reacted when he doesn't know all that I know?

You said I couldn't be 100% sure that my daughter was ok, but if I got her referred and she had an ultrasound scan that would tell me if her spinal cord was ok and she doesn't have OSD. That's how they diagnose OSD. That would settle it for me. That would give me certainty, that you said I couldn't have. If I did go down that route and get her scanned to check for OSD, it would reassure me. I wouldn't doubt that, I know from past experiences that my OCD doubts would stop there. I know some people with OCD wouldn't be reassured by scans but I have a scientific background and I would be. My OCD has a limit. I might have silly doubts afterwards but they would go and the reassurance of a clean bill of healthy or my daughter from a scan would stay. I dont want to do that though and put her through that and because it feels like a compulsion, but I would do it if the concern was real and I'm still not sure if the concern is real? Is this a real concern or my OCD? 

Edited by Emsie
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34 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Did you mean I wasn't worried until I starting googling?

Googling bought into the idea that there was something wrong in the first place, that's why your anxiety went up.

 

35 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Can I still go off how my husband reacted when he doesn't know all that I know?

Yes because you wouldn't know it all if you didn't have OCD and sought reassurance from Google. Is your husband now checking Google to see if there's something wrong? I'm guessing not. Just because you know lots of information doesn't mean you are any more responsible than him for the welfare of your child.

 

36 minutes ago, Emsie said:

You said I couldn't be 100% sure that my daughter was ok, but if I got her referred and she had an ultrasound scan that would tell me if her spinal cord was ok and she doesn't have OSD. That's how they diagnose OSD. That would settle it for me.

Yes it might settle your fears about OSD, it might not, OCD could make you doubt the results, the specialists, literally anything. The problem is, how long will it be before you worry about your daughter's health in another way? Do you get that checked out too, when does it stop?

 

39 minutes ago, Emsie said:

it feels like a compulsion

This is the key Emsie. We all have an idea when something is a compulsion but we would rather just make sure everything was ok. This is the mistake we all make, what about the risk you are taking with your mental wellbeing. You have seen these dimples and are assuming the worst, it's time to see that as OCD and stop the compulsions. 

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Thank you so much for all of your help Gemma. 

36 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

Yes because you wouldn't know it all if you didn't have OCD and sought reassurance from Google. Is your husband now checking Google to see if there's something wrong? I'm guessing not. Just because you know lots of information doesn't mean you are any more responsible than him for the welfare of your child.

It's not just the information from my googling and research about sacral dimples and OSD that my husband doesn't know. He also doesn't know that through my looking at my daughters bum crease that I think that there could be 1 or 3 dimples there. I did the checking of her bum crease and saw these possible 1 or 3 dimples after I asked him for reassurance (and when he said he's not worried and there's no concern).  Can I still go off how my husband reacted when he doesn't know about that? Plus it being coupled with the information I know about sacral dimples and OSD. Can I still go off how my husband reacted? 

Edited by Emsie
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You have to assume what your husband would say if given all this new information. I think you and I both know he would still say it was something to not worry about and to move on from it.

This is hard Emsie but it's time to decide to treat this like a problem of worry not a real threat and accept you can't be 100% sure.

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15 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

You have to assume what your husband would say if given all this new information. I think you and I both know he would still say it was something to not worry about and to move on from it.

This is hard Emsie but it's time to decide to treat this like a problem of worry not a real threat and accept you can't be 100% sure.

You're right Gemma, thank you so much. 

Please could I ask you to explain 'treat this like a problem of worry not a real threat'. Just simply if that's ok, in a nutshell. I think it's from Break free from OCD. Sorry to be so demanding. I just think if you could explain that to me it would really help. Thank you. 

 

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Woah emsie. You've asked gemma the same question three or four times already. Youre not accepting the answer given which shows you are coming back again and again for reassurance.

This is all OCD. You can tell by the sheer amount of compulsions you have done. All the research you've done, talking to your husband about it, ruminating and now reassurance seeking are compulsions. You should be able to see that.

Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Stop googling. Stop talking to people about it. Stop the reassurance seeking and do your best to stop the ruminating.

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Hi emsie, sorry you have been getting so worried. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding worrying about health, especially when it is in regards to our children. Being a parent is hard and a lot of responsibility comes with being one, I get that. However, i have to agree with the advice that has been given to you from other forum users. 

As soon as you mention Google it becomes obvious that this is a compulsion, a way for you to try and get an answer. But this has led you to become more anxious and thus seek reassurance from other sources.

Unfortunately if you were to seek medical attention for your worries this would only offer short term reassurance until your mind gets fixated on some different situation you may see as a potential problem, as in with the podiatry. It's just a vicious circle. If your husband is not concerned then take this that you don't need to be either. 

Hope you are feeling better Lisa x

 

 

 

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Oh bless you Emsie, so sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment :( 

There really isn’t anything I can add to the advice you’ve already been given off gemma. I do feel for you because at times it is hard to distinguish what’s a natural worry and what’s an ocd worry. Unfortunately I’m in agreement with Gemma that this may well be an ocd worry:( 

Hope you are feeling a little better tonight,

best wishes as always, lost x

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4 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

You have to assume what your husband would say if given all this new information. I think you and I both know he would still say it was something to not worry about and to move on from it.

This is hard Emsie but it's time to decide to treat this like a problem of worry not a real threat and accept you can't be 100% sure.

Hi Gemma, I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all of your help earlier. I'm so sorry I asked you so many questions and also repeatedly the same question. I was getting myself so caught up in it all and the detail and the checking. You helped so much, so again a huge thank you. 

Could I please ask you about 'treat this like a problem of worry not a real threat' as I'm not sure what you meant? Sorry to be a pain and ask another question. 

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6 hours ago, Avo said:

Hi Emsie,

I think Gemma has summed the situation up well, your a responsible Mum who is wanting the best for her daughter, completely normal and responsible.

However your catastrophizing the situation out of all proportion.

Googling until 4am, is a massive compulsion I bet if you were feeling tired it won't have helped. I also expect if you daughter is anything like my son they are waking up around 6am which would leave you extremely tired the following day leaving you with almost no sleep, and when your that tired everything seems worse, also checking pictures on your phone is a big compulsion too, you did right deleting them. 

Leave google alone. As you say it has just caused you more anxiety and distress, the more we try and re-assure ourselves the more doubtful we become. Make the rest of today a google free zone. 

I hope things are feeling a bit better for you as the day goes on?

Avo

 

Thank you so much for your reply Avo and supporting me. I haven't been on Google anymore and I think I now need to make a pact with myself to not use it, except for googling normal things like directions or Christmas present ideas. It did so much damage when I was worried about my daughters lymph nodes that turned out to be nothing, I can't believe I did it again. 

Feeling better thank you.

Thank you so much. 

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4 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Woah emsie. You've asked gemma the same question three or four times already. Youre not accepting the answer given which shows you are coming back again and again for reassurance.

This is all OCD. You can tell by the sheer amount of compulsions you have done. All the research you've done, talking to your husband about it, ruminating and now reassurance seeking are compulsions. You should be able to see that.

Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Stop googling. Stop talking to people about it. Stop the reassurance seeking and do your best to stop the ruminating.

Thank you so much PolarBear as ever, I always appreciate your advice. Sorry for repeatedly asking Gemma the same question. 

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3 hours ago, Lisa davis said:

Hi emsie, sorry you have been getting so worried. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding worrying about health, especially when it is in regards to our children. Being a parent is hard and a lot of responsibility comes with being one, I get that. However, i have to agree with the advice that has been given to you from other forum users. 

As soon as you mention Google it becomes obvious that this is a compulsion, a way for you to try and get an answer. But this has led you to become more anxious and thus seek reassurance from other sources.

Unfortunately if you were to seek medical attention for your worries this would only offer short term reassurance until your mind gets fixated on some different situation you may see as a potential problem, as in with the podiatry. It's just a vicious circle. If your husband is not concerned then take this that you don't need to be either. 

Hope you are feeling better Lisa x

 

 

 

Hi Lisa, 

Thank you so much for your advice and supporting me, I really appreciate all that you said. 

I am feeling better thank you x

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3 hours ago, lostinme said:

Oh bless you Emsie, so sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment :( 

There really isn’t anything I can add to the advice you’ve already been given off gemma. I do feel for you because at times it is hard to distinguish what’s a natural worry and what’s an ocd worry. Unfortunately I’m in agreement with Gemma that this may well be an ocd worry:( 

Hope you are feeling a little better tonight,

best wishes as always, lost x

Hi Lost, 

Thank you so much for your reply and supporting me. I am feeling better thank you, just tired. 

I hate all of this so much but I must learn from it and avoid Google. 

Best wishes and thank you x 

Edited by Emsie
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29 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Hi Gemma, I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all of your help earlier. I'm so sorry I asked you so many questions and also repeatedly the same question. I was getting myself so caught up in it all and the detail and the checking. You helped so much, so again a huge thank you. 

That's ok, I understand :)

 

30 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Could I please ask you about 'treat this like a problem of worry not a real threat' as I'm not sure what you meant? Sorry to be a pain and ask another question.

It's basically like saying act according to theory B which is from the self-help book Break free from OCD, which will explain it better than I can.

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Just now, Gemma7 said:

That's ok, I understand :)

 

It's basically like saying act according to theory B which is from the self-help book Break free from OCD, which will explain it better than I can.

Thank you so much Gemma. Again I'm so sorry for how I was earlier.

I've got Break Free from OCD so I'll use it to help me. Thank you. ?

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53 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Hi Lost, 

Thank you so much for your reply and supporting me. I am feeling better thank you, just tired. 

I hate all of this so much but I must learn from it and avoid Google. 

Best wishes and thank you x 

Bless you Emsie, so glad your feeling better :yes:

It’s really hard at times, we’ve all been there, seeking reassurance and doing compulsions, unfortunately it’s not always easy to avoid doing it. But it’s a good learning process when we have a setback because it’s then that we begin to realise that seeking reassurance and doing compulsions actually over magnify the situation thus making it worse. That’s when we can start to make changes of stopping it in its tracks before it starts. 

Sending you my very best wishes for a better day tomorrow x

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Hi Emsie,

hope today is a better one for you, I have been there doing compulsion after compulsion, both slightly pre internet and post internet. On various themes I have wasted hours over the years and caused myself no end of distress., searching for the certainty that I can never get. I honestly do sympathise.

Yes use google for 'normal' things it can be very helpful in that sense,  but avoid for compulsions. 

Avo

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