I’m so tired of resisting. What do I do?

[Purplepiper7]

I have tried so desperately hard to resist engaging with any thoughts that even slightly make me think that they might be related to OCD, but right now, I just can’t. Sometimes, I’ll be completely relaxed, or at least reasonably calm, and then in the next moment, I’ll feel like I’m being yelled at. In that instant, it’s so much easier to just argue, to try and push any discomfort away, than it is to do the logical thing, which is to resist so as not to give any credence to whatever’s bothering me. Obviously, I want to get better, and for months I took the logical path and was mostly fine, but right now, I’m exhausted. I don’t quite enjoy feeling like a bad person, and I suppose that no one really does, but sometimes I just can’t stand it and want nothing more than for that feeling to go away.

[lostinme]

9 hours ago, Purplepiper7 said:

I have tried so desperately hard to resist engaging with any thoughts that even slightly make me think that they might be related to OCD, but right now, I just can’t. Sometimes, I’ll be completely relaxed, or at least reasonably calm, and then in the next moment, I’ll feel like I’m being yelled at. In that instant, it’s so much easier to just argue, to try and push any discomfort away, than it is to do the logical thing, which is to resist so as not to give any credence to whatever’s bothering me. Obviously, I want to get better, and for months I took the logical path and was mostly fine, but right now, I’m exhausted. I don’t quite enjoy feeling like a bad person, and I suppose that no one really does, but sometimes I just can’t stand it and want nothing more than for that feeling to go away.

Sorry to hear your struggling at the moment Purplepiper7  but don’t give up on yourself, you’ve already mentioned you took the logical path and was mostly fine, so you’ve done it before you can do it again. 

Youve got back into that viscous cycle again, acknowledging the thoughts giving them meaning and the more you try to push the thoughts away they are shouting back at you louder and stronger, this then totally exhausts you, your mood lowers and self loathing begins, believing that your a bad person, leaving you feeling more vulnerable to the thoughts. 

When you get an ocd thought, notice it as an ocd thought and nothing more, don’t try to neutralise the thought by thinking I wouldn’t do that I wouldn’t act that way etc. Just see it there and say to yourself I’m not going there right now and refocus your mind to what you are doing, do this each and every time it reappears. It takes lots of practice and you will get side tracked, but each time you do just remember refocus and do this every single time.

Hope this helps, lost 

[paradoxer]

My cognitive advice - If you want to increase the chance of the feeling going away, stop trying to hold yourself up to be a good person -  or not a bad person - it's a recipe for trouble.

[Purplepiper7]

Mostly I’m just tired I guess, but I suppose my exhaustion is becoming problematic. I can’t concentrate in school because I’m so tired of everything and my grades are suffering as a result. I keep engaging my OCD even when I know I shouldn't. I really do try not to, but it’s like there’s an antagonistic voice in my head hounding me into action, and sometimes I give in because I just can’t find the strength not to. That said, I suppose my life would me much easier if I were to reject this idea of goodness, but really, it doesn’t belong to me. I don’t actually believe that I have to be perfectly moral or kind or whatever to be a decent human being. I only feel this way, despite being aware of how utterly ridiculous it is. I don’t know. It’s whatever I guess. Thanks a bunch.