lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) I was watching a video where my little sister was singing and I made a movement with my crotch, had the thought that I made it because of her. Then slightly repeated the movement, trying not to touch too much with my thigh, repeated over and over, I wasn’t sure. Then I decided to pressed my leg against my crotch and think of her, I suddenly hear her talking from her room, I technically masturbated to her voice and an image of her face on my mind to test myself... Now I’ve just done it again and I was like “only her face please don’t wanna do it thinking of her parts” and I got and almost got an intrusive image I don’t know but like it felt like I wanted to keep doing it because I like it and not because I want to keep doing it it’s so scary??? Like I had an urge to masturbate over her that felt so real like as if I would like it and technically I did it to test myself and now I’m in tears please help me ? Edited November 9, 2017 by lily17 Link to comment
OceanDweller Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Are you paying for your therapy? Even if you aren't, performing these compulsions is rendering the time you and your therapist share utterly pointless. You are choosing to behave this way. So if, as a consequence, your condition deteriorates further and further, you only have yourself to blame. It's just the same post over and over and over. Where's it going to end Lily? When are you going to wake up and start making better choices? Link to comment
Unsurechap Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Hi Lily, poor you you are getting so wound up over this. Calm down youve done nothing wrong. You are wayyyyyyyyy over analysing things and the specifics of what you did or didnt do or thought when you touched yourself. You are getting caught up in the detail. You should try some relaxation and meditation to calm down. Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) 18 minutes ago, OceanDweller said: Are you paying for your therapy? Even if you aren't, performing these compulsions is rendering the time you and your therapist share utterly pointless. You are choosing to behave this way. So if, as a consequence, your condition deteriorates further and further, you only have yourself to blame. It's just the same post over and over and over. Where's it going to end Lily? When are you going to wake up and start making better choices? OD, I swear I was more than 12 hours free of testing myself but this thought completely got me and I was trapped again on a cycle. I had the urge to test myself, did it, then had the urge to actually masturbate over her (as to do it and like it ) then I performed the compulsion again so it’s almost like I gave in to the urge????? Now I think that I liked it and that’s why I did it more than once.... Damn it ? and yes my mum is paying for my therapy and I feel so sad because I don’t want her to waste money on her monster of a daughter. I don’t think I deserve it. Thank you for replying as always and sorry if I’ve angered you or something Edited November 9, 2017 by lily17 Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 6 minutes ago, Unsurechap said: Hi Lily, poor you you are getting so wound up over this. Calm down youve done nothing wrong. You are wayyyyyyyyy over analysing things and the specifics of what you did or didnt do or thought when you touched yourself. You are getting caught up in the detail. You should try some relaxation and meditation to calm down. Do you think so? I’m in turmoil right now, it feels like I liked doing it. I don’t know, even if I wanted to cry after doing it... it feels like I liked it somehow ? Right now, I’m so mad at myself for performing another testing compulsions and making things worse for myself that I just want to die but thank you for replying and for the advice I might try to meditate later when I’m calmed down Link to comment
OceanDweller Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 5 minutes ago, lily17 said: OD, I swear I was more than 12 hours free of testing myself but this thought completely got me and I was trapped again on a cycle. I had the urge to test myself, did it, then had the urge to actually masturbate over her (as to do it and like it ) then I performed the compulsion again so it’s almost like I gave in to the urge????? Now I think that I liked it and that’s why I did it more than once.... Damn it ? and yes my mum is paying for my therapy and I feel so sad because I don’t want her to waste money on her monster of a daughter. I don’t think I deserve it. Thank you for replying as always and sorry if I’ve angered you or something Do you understand Lily that the only way in which you're going to feel better is by resisting performing compulsions for days, weeks and months? I'm a recovering alcoholic. If I go 12 hours sober then pick up a drink, am I winning or losing the battle? You're in the same position. I'm not angry. I'm frustrated on your behalf. All you need to do is listen to the advice you've been offered a hundred times over. But you won't. And that's difficult to accept when looking in from the outside and seeing how much distress you are causing yourself. Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) 2 hours ago, OceanDweller said: Do you understand Lily that the only way in which you're going to feel better is by resisting performing compulsions for days, weeks and months? I'm a recovering alcoholic. If I go 12 hours sober then pick up a drink, am I winning or losing the battle? You're in the same position. I'm not angry. I'm frustrated on your behalf. All you need to do is listen to the advice you've been offered a hundred times over. But you won't. And that's difficult to accept when looking in from the outside and seeing how much distress you are causing yourself. I’m sorry. I always get trapped with the damn thoughts. I’m not able to manage them, don’t know which ones are intrusive or not anymore. I’m having trouble and my therapist told me that’s our starting point... let’s see. Also sometimes I get paranoid thinking I’m testing myself when I’m not and it’s like I have to check my reaction in case I was doing something wrong and make sure that I don’t like it my mind is so complex jeez Edited November 9, 2017 by lily17 Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) Is it normal/possible that when you test yourself, OCD can tell you you liked it? One of the times I was testing myself it seemed like I didn’t know if I liked it or not then it almost seemed enjoyable but maybe it was just the feeling of arousal you know... Like I would never enjoy doing that thinking of my little sister but OCD makes it seem possible and now it’s like I think I liked it when no, it’s a lie, I wanted to cry once I was done testing over and over... that doesn't seem like liking something Edited November 9, 2017 by lily17 Link to comment
OceanDweller Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, lily17 said: I’m sorry. I always get trapped with the damn thoughts. I’m not able to manage them, don’t know which ones are intrusive or not anymore. I’m having trouble and my therapist told me that’s our starting point... let’s see. Also sometimes I get paranoid thinking I’m testing myself when I’m not and it’s like I have to check my reaction in case I was doing something wrong and make sure that I don’t like it my mind is so complex jeez Lily Lily Lily... all I want is for you to experience some relief. It's harrowing to witness someone (especially one so young) put themselves through the same cycle of pain and fear time and again. Because my mind is not distorted by the same skewed thought patterns that are keeping you sick, I can see the reality (and the absurdity) of what you're thinking, feeling and doing. Any exasperation stems from not being able to convey that to you. I just want you well Lily. Edited November 9, 2017 by OceanDweller Link to comment
PhilM Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Lily the same questions you asked on multiple threads are things you need to discuss with your therapist who you said a while back knew a lot about OCD and got on with. You don't need to say sorry because I know where you are coming from believe me. Ultimately, you've got this forum. A lot of long-term sufferers (20, 30, 40 years +) didn't as there was no Internet and we had nobody to "talk" to and years of our lives were lost. You are 18 years - a lovely future ahead of you. I sense you spend a lot of time (and I do not mean this cruelly) waiting for responses to the questions you repeatedly ask. I COULD (as others) give you reassurance but I won't because you've got to get into therapy. Other forum users with the best intentions will give you reassurance as they sense your distress and ultimate respect to them for their kindness but you have to listen to advice and get stuck into therapy as I've said before. Best wishes, Phil. Link to comment
Caramoole Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Lily, what are you going to do now, this evening to change these checking behaviours? When that strong urge hits you, what's the plan? What are you going to do to change the response? It may seem that it's beyond your control but it's not......yes, it feels like we have to give in but we don't. As OD mentioned, it is you that is choosing to do the checks and you can also choose not to. Sure it's hard but so is suffering the way you currently are. If you work hard to resist giving in to the compulsions, the strong urges will begin to lessen. Is doing the compulsions/checking making you feel any better? It's making you feel even more wretched. Link to comment
lostinme Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Lily you need to realise it’s not called the doubting disease for nothing, what you’re doing is ruminating and doing compulsions. Hopefully this will help you ? When im making a drink I get intrusive thoughts that I’ve put something in it, if I have I could become ill or die?( This is my obsession)My compulsion is to start my drink all over again to try to make sure that I havnt put anything in my drink, (this is my fear) I might have and I could die, but each time I do this the doubt is always the same did I, didn’t I. The more I do this over and over again the worse it becomes, the more doubt I feel, the more anxious I become and the more I feel I might have done. This is the same for you Lisa, just a different theme. Hope this helps you see things a little clearer Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 1 hour ago, OceanDweller said: Lily Lily Lily... all I want is for you to experience some relief. It's harrowing to witness someone (especially one so young) put themselves through the same cycle of pain and fear time and again. Because my mind is not distorted by the same skewed thought patterns that are keeping you sick, I can see the reality (and the absurdity) of what you're thinking, feeling and doing. Any exasperation stems from not being able to convey that to you. I just want you well Lily. Thank you so much ? I really appreciate the support. I know reassurance is not the way to go but support is essential. Today I’m not doing any more tests and tomorrow I’ll try SO HARD not to do them. Promise. Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 1 hour ago, PhilM said: Lily the same questions you asked on multiple threads are things you need to discuss with your therapist who you said a while back knew a lot about OCD and got on with. You don't need to say sorry because I know where you are coming from believe me. Ultimately, you've got this forum. A lot of long-term sufferers (20, 30, 40 years +) didn't as there was no Internet and we had nobody to "talk" to and years of our lives were lost. You are 18 years - a lovely future ahead of you. I sense you spend a lot of time (and I do not mean this cruelly) waiting for responses to the questions you repeatedly ask. I COULD (as others) give you reassurance but I won't because you've got to get into therapy. Other forum users with the best intentions will give you reassurance as they sense your distress and ultimate respect to them for their kindness but you have to listen to advice and get stuck into therapy as I've said before. Best wishes, Phil. I know it doesn’t seem like a “big” thing but lately when I submit a post, I don’t refresh the page every minute like I would do like now I try to get involved in other things and then I come back later to check if anyone’s replied me. I know I keep posting, therefore, it’s still a compulsion but... I feel like I can reduce it, little by little. Right now I feel strong and I know I can stop compulsions. Thank you for your response, once again Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 1 hour ago, Caramoole said: Lily, what are you going to do now, this evening to change these checking behaviours? When that strong urge hits you, what's the plan? What are you going to do to change the response? It may seem that it's beyond your control but it's not......yes, it feels like we have to give in but we don't. As OD mentioned, it is you that is choosing to do the checks and you can also choose not to. Sure it's hard but so is suffering the way you currently are. If you work hard to resist giving in to the compulsions, the strong urges will begin to lessen. Is doing the compulsions/checking making you feel any better? It's making you feel even more wretched. It’s definitely not making me feel better because OCD gives me the response that it wants! Therefore I keep stuck This evening I’m watching a tv show I haven’t watched in a while and even though I don’t really feel like I deserve it, I’m watching it anyway because it’s amusing and keeps my mind a bit off I’ll try not to give into urges, I’ll really try from now on. Thank you ? Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 9, 2017 Author Share Posted November 9, 2017 54 minutes ago, lostinme said: Lily you need to realise it’s not called the doubting disease for nothing, what you’re doing is ruminating and doing compulsions. Hopefully this will help you ? When im making a drink I get intrusive thoughts that I’ve put something in it, if I have I could become ill or die?( This is my obsession)My compulsion is to start my drink all over again to try to make sure that I havnt put anything in my drink, (this is my fear) I might have and I could die, but each time I do this the doubt is always the same did I, didn’t I. The more I do this over and over again the worse it becomes, the more doubt I feel, the more anxious I become and the more I feel I might have done. This is the same for you Lisa, just a different theme. Hope this helps you see things a little clearer Yes, it helped me realise it’s all OCD in the end just a different theme and just because mine is sexually related doesn’t make it any less real or worse it’s all the same **** and I don’t have to feel guilty at all tonight I’m more relaxed now thank you so much ? Link to comment
lostinme Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Your welcome lily, I just hope it’s helped you a little Your only young flower, go see your therapist, work hard at your cbt and you can have a fulfilling future Best wishes always, lost Have faith lily, you can do this Link to comment
taurean Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 8 minutes ago, lily17 said: Yes, it helped me realise it’s all OCD in the end just a different theme and just because mine is sexually related doesn’t make it any less real or worse it’s all the same **** and I don’t have to feel guilty at all tonight I’m more relaxed now thank you so much ? That's really good lily. Well done lost, brilliant Link to comment
Caramoole Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 .......Just remember Lily, it's going to happen again. That thought will hit you again and try and knock you off your feet. Be ready, recognise it.....the fear, the pain will strike just as hard.....but pause, think " I know what it is. I know what it is that I have to try and do".....and then you resist the overwhelming urge to do a compulsion. That might be coming here and writing down the thoughts and feelings in great detail. It might be resisting the urge to start the checking....checking out sensations, position of where your limbs are, of what thought you were thinking. Definitely resisting rumination, thinking about it, trying to work it out. Be ready, have a plan in place, don't be caught out as though this was the first time. Wishing you a better day tomorrow where hopefully, by the end of the day, you can come online and report some small success's (without going into detail of the intrusive doubts) Is that a plan? Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 2 hours ago, lostinme said: Your welcome lily, I just hope it’s helped you a little Your only young flower, go see your therapist, work hard at your cbt and you can have a fulfilling future Best wishes always, lost Have faith lily, you can do this The “young flower” thing actually made me smile and that cheerleader emoji is so cute! These little things are everything, thank you so so much!!!! Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 1 hour ago, taurean said: That's really good lily. Well done lost, brilliant Thank you gonna try to do a little bit of progress Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 1 hour ago, Caramoole said: .......Just remember Lily, it's going to happen again. That thought will hit you again and try and knock you off your feet. Be ready, recognise it.....the fear, the pain will strike just as hard.....but pause, think " I know what it is. I know what it is that I have to try and do".....and then you resist the overwhelming urge to do a compulsion. That might be coming here and writing down the thoughts and feelings in great detail. It might be resisting the urge to start the checking....checking out sensations, position of where your limbs are, of what thought you were thinking. Definitely resisting rumination, thinking about it, trying to work it out. Be ready, have a plan in place, don't be caught out as though this was the first time. Wishing you a better day tomorrow where hopefully, by the end of the day, you can come online and report some small success's (without going into detail of the intrusive doubts) Is that a plan? Yes, my plan is to treat the thoughts now as those activists that you have no interest in, who knock your door, I’ll let them in but I’ll absolutely not listen to them as I don’t care about what they’re saying, it’s not true (sorry if this actually offends someone? not intented) and then gently invite them to leave my home. This is what I’m gonna do. Hopefully I’ll report some good news tomorrow. Thank you Caramoole x Link to comment
Caramoole Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Just be "really" ready because those doubts "WILL" be convincing and powerful....remember that and stand your ground. Take it minute by minute or even second by second but hang in there and change the way you react. Tomorrow's a new day Link to comment
lily17 Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 9 hours ago, Caramoole said: Just be "really" ready because those doubts "WILL" be convincing and powerful....remember that and stand your ground. Take it minute by minute or even second by second but hang in there and change the way you react. Tomorrow's a new day Thank you, I know my OCD will try to destroy me but I’ll be prepared with all the munition that I’ve got and fight it Link to comment
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