Im really not sure what to do with this

[Ironborn]

Hello all. 

Ive had many ocd forms in the last couple of years. But recently i have been tortured by a new one. 

Ive been in the military for 12 years now, and went to Afghanistan once in 2008.

Luckily ive never had to shoot during all these years, but last week a thought creeped into my mind which got me obsessing about it. Altough i never shot anyone or (killed) ive been getting the thought that i do am part of an organization that does sometimes kill others, and i feel that ive been to blame aswell for all these murders, because i still am part of this organization and with my support in whatever way is helping killing others. 

Right now i feel as if im not worth living anymore and i feel extreme amounts of guilt, it almost feels as if death is my only option out. Im just so scared because i want to be happy have children with my wife, but i cannot seem to get over this, how can i ever forgive myself???? 

Edited November 11, 2017 by Ironborn

[Fender]

You joined the forces to serve your country, not murder people. Have you had counselling for ptsd?

[PolarBear]

I recommend you talk to someone about this. Im not sure if this is OCD or just a natural conundrum that probably affects a lot of soldiers. 

[Ironborn]

21 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I recommend you talk to someone about this. Im not sure if this is OCD or just a natural conundrum that probably affects a lot of soldiers. 

Well i think its ocd because ive never had this before.

Or atleast OCD is taking it to a new level, My OCD lately has been about me worthy of living on this planet.
I feel that i have caused so much suffering to Everyone and anything i killed so much animals due to eating meat. i turned complete vegan 6 months ago because my mind kept telling me i was a mass animal murderer. im afraid to go outside at night due to stepping on snails aswell, whenever i drive my car and i see an insect on my windows  i have to stop and make sure it gets of my car safe.  

Then a few weeks ago i started watching this series on netflix about pablo escobar. and at some point during the series they mentioned that everyday a certain amount of people die because of the drug trafficing etc etc. quite some years ago i did some substances just recreationa,l never in any kind i was dependent on them. and about almost 4 years ago i decided on myself that i was done with it, and never touched any of it again and never wanted to anymore. (i have to mention that my ocd seemed to be triggered when i did use a certain substance after a night out). also there were some difficult life events during that moment, but i can only guess that my ocd manifested itself due to a combination of those things.

but to get back at the point i was trying to make, after while seeing the series and there mentioning a couple people die everyday due to being shot, killed , etc etc because of the drugs. I started feeling extremely guilty, it felt and still feels as if i have blood on my hands.

But now this subject has moved on towards my work and i feel as if i am guilty of all the people that somehow got killed by any soldier from my country and our allies.
just picture feeling guilty for maybe thousands of deaths ???


I noticed that my ocd somehow has turned into a kind of OCD which is trying to tell me i do not deserve to live, and it has come to the point that it really feels as if my OCD wont stop until it gets what it want, and that is suicide.

The problem is... i really dont want to die. i really want  to be happy, have kids with my wife and just live life. why wont my ocd let me have that?




I already am geting help, upcoming january im getting more help for my ocd il be joining a therapy for 3 months where im going to get therapy 4 full days a week.

Also i recently in consultation with my pd (a week ago) i upped my dose of zoloft from 150 to 200 mgs which is the max dosage. but somehow things do not seem to help me anymore,
ive been on zoloft for about 3 years now, but i feel it might have pooped out for me, is this even possible?

 

[Ironborn]

Right now my ocd is becoming so severe that i feel i need to stop taking my meds (Zoloft) because they most prob are not vegan friendly. i guess mice have been experimented on with SSRI's and me taking these medications would only promote animal experiments.

Actually i feel that everything i use in my daily life somehow causes more hurt to animals and people. which means our whole society is really messed up and we humans are the downfall to this world. it feels as if i'm almost gifted this insight and that the only way to stop it is by not living anymore, that is the only way i can prevent myself from hurting anything that lives on this planet.

[Bodger]

Hi Ironborn,

This is a hard one because the way you are ruminating will just take you back to your job.

A big part of life is death. Some animals are carnavoirs, they kill to eat.

Would thinking about it on a basic level help? Maybe you need to work out your morals without OCD interferring?

Don't stop your meds without speaking to your Dr.

[Ironborn]

It just feels so wrong to keep taking my meds while somewhere in a lab people might be experimenting on mice with this med, and they do so because they make there money from people like me who need those meds. and that brings me to the question; why would my life be more improtant then that of 1 ? 10 ? 100? maybe 1000s of mice over all these years???

They give these mice OCD on purpose and then test those SSRI's on them.

almost everything i use in life somehow connects to hurting anything that lives.

i feel that i can only justify taking these meds if that would mean i would get better, and being able to promote animal free meds, i feel i have to do something in return for taking these meds, or else im selfish and a bad person.

Edited November 12, 2017 by Ironborn

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, Ironborn said:

It just feels so wrong to keep taking my meds while somewhere in a lab people might be experimenting on mice with this med, and they do so because they make there money from people like me who need those meds. and that brings me to the question; why would my life be more improtant then that of 1 ? 10 ? 100? maybe 1000s of mice over all these years???

Hi Ironborn. As a military man, you have my utmost respect. If (God forbid) you had heart disease, would you decline life-preserving medication on the above basis?

[Ironborn]

Just now, OceanDweller said:

Hi Ironborn. As a military man, you have my utmost respect. If (God forbid) you had heart disease, would you decline life-preserving medication on the above basis?

i prob would not decline the meds, but even thinking about it makes me feel like i would be selfish.....

[OceanDweller]

Just now, Ironborn said:

i prob would not decline the meds, but even thinking about it makes me feel like i would be selfish.....

Then don't discontinue your antidepressants. If you feel they've become less effective, speak with your GP. I can't imagine even the most passionate animal rights advocate refusing medication for such reasons. I don't believe this is the noble voice of your ethics speaking. I'm quite sure it's the insidious whisper of OCD.

[Ironborn]

Just now, OceanDweller said:

Then don't discontinue your antidepressants. If you feel they've become less effective, speak with your GP. I can't imagine even the most passionate animal rights advocate refusing medication for such reasons. I don't believe this is the noble voice of your ethics speaking. I'm quite sure it's the insidious whisper of OCD.

Well i know m not just going to stop my meds altough i feel like i should. If i did i know i would go from bad to way way worse, i just hope that also this ocd topic will fade away with time. but for now it feels very disturbing and as if it will be there forever and never letting me go.

[PolarBear]

7 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Right now my ocd is becoming so severe that i feel i need to stop taking my meds (Zoloft) because they most prob are not vegan friendly. i guess mice have been experimented on with SSRI's and me taking these medications would only promote animal experiments.

Actually i feel that everything i use in my daily life somehow causes more hurt to animals and people. which means our whole society is really messed up and we humans are the downfall to this world. it feels as if i'm almost gifted this insight and that the only way to stop it is by not living anymore, that is the only way i can prevent myself from hurting anything that lives on this planet.

What's your opinion of a lion who happily squashes bugs when he runs and greedily eats antelope and other animals. Does he deserve to live?

You've taken hyperresponsibility to a new level. Your perceptions are out of whack. You need help.

Edited November 13, 2017 by PolarBear