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Yesterday when I was in the bathroom, I had this marvelous thought that said “what if one day I do all of these things without the purpose of testing? what if I do it now?” I got so scared and I had to wipe myself so I had to think of random people in order not to think of my mum or sister :( 

Few hours later, I was trying to relax watching a film but I couldn’t do any movement because I get intrusive thoughts whenever I do something with my crotch/breasts etc :( so I was like I’m gonna open my legs thinking of my sister and it’s not gonna be a test, so I did it, didn’t like it but I think it was a twisted test because I was doing it to see how I reacted to it “not being a test” but the rational part of my brain says it was a twisted test, my mum and a friend also think this. But I couldn’t move on and repeated the movement saying “this is a test” and I opened my legs and also pressed my crotch against the bed thinking of my sister and I didn’t like it :( but now I’m worried about the “non-test” thing. 

Also last night I was on a videocall with a friend of mine and I was in bed laying down with my laptop on my lap and I placed it on the bed and sat down, which obviously made me press my crotch and I think I had an intrusive thought about my sister (I say I think it was intrusive because in no way I was thinking of her before I mean I was talking with my friend so it had to be intrusive, right?) so I said good bye to my friend in that posture and I was also smiling to him while having the thought of my sister and like I wasn’t minding the thought and that’s why I think I liked it :( then of course I had to repeat the movement and didn’t like it. It is hell right now because I can’t touch myself in any way without having thoughts and I can’t bare with it anymore.

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Basically what you're doing (and I understand why because I've been there myself believe me) is analysing to the utmost degree every different manifestation of OCD that comes along and then going into detail here. That's the lack of confidence and self-belief OCD creates but it CAN get better. The thoughts are meaningless - it's the fear we create that is the problem.

Edited by PhilM

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22 minutes ago, PhilM said:

Basically what you're doing (and I understand why because I've been there myself believe me) is analysing to the utmost degree every different manifestation of OCD that comes along and then going into detail here. That's the lack of confidence and self-belief OCD creates but it CAN get better. The thoughts are meaningless - it's the fear we create that is the problem.

Thank you Phil, I know the thoughts are meaningless but I have this inmense fear that doesn’t let me detach myself from them. For example, I’m at my grandma’s now and I was petting the dog whom I’ve mentioned before my OCD also revolves around him and whilst I was petting him I was having thoughts telling me “to pleasure myself from touching him” and I was like no! Please no!! And now I have the sensation that I pleasured myself because of the damn groinal responses. I’m also super worried about what I told about me doing that thinking as not a test, but at the end it was one I guess.... anyway sorry for venting out all of this oh my god :( 

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God I'm nearly in tears because of the thoughts I was having when touching my dog. Now I'm so afraid to touch him, what if I give in to the thoughts and touch him to please myself? It would break me apart and now everytime I touch him I gotta think 'i love you so much, i would never do that to you' etc but it's like know I feel like I came close to doing it and like I could've done it and OCD is making me believe I've done it when it's not true I love him to bits he's everything to me :( 

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My sister put the dog next to me and I was terrified to touch him because if I did then it meant I was doing it for sexual pleasure and he moved next to me and I freaked out so I slightly moved my leg away lifting it up and then when I put my leg down again I touched him with my leg oh my god I didn't want to touch him but I slightly did because I thought that when I put down my leg, he wouldn't be close so I thought my leg wouldn't touch him :(  and now I'm freaking out because I didn't want to touch him because then it meant I was doing it to pleasure myself and now... :( I didn't get any pleasure tho I freaked out but :( 

Edited by lily17

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5 hours ago, lily17 said:

Yesterday when I was in the bathroom, I had this marvelous thought that said “what if one day I do all of these things without the purpose of testing? what if I do it now?” I got so scared and I had to wipe myself so I had to think of random people in order not to think of my mum or sister :( 

Few hours later, I was trying to relax watching a film but I couldn’t do any movement because I get intrusive thoughts whenever I do something with my crotch/breasts etc :( so I was like I’m gonna open my legs thinking of my sister and it’s not gonna be a test, so I did it, didn’t like it but I think it was a twisted test because I was doing it to see how I reacted to it “not being a test” but the rational part of my brain says it was a twisted test, my mum and a friend also think this. But I couldn’t move on and repeated the movement saying “this is a test” and I opened my legs and also pressed my crotch against the bed thinking of my sister and I didn’t like it :( but now I’m worried about the “non-test” thing. 

I’m so heartbroken because of what I told about my dog and this paragraph I quoted from my first post. It’s killing me. It’s literally killing me. I can’t take it. Why did I have to do it as not a test, it’s like now I don’t know if I only opened my legs or if I opened them and pressed my crotch or I pressed it later when I did it again as a legit test, I think it was like that because last night I remembered I only opened my legs but what if. Oh my god :( either way I didn’t do anything to pleasure myself.

Edited by lily17

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2 minutes ago, lily17 said:

It’s killing me. It’s literally killing me

No it isn’t Lily. This is what you need to address. Getting better depends upon you being prepared to endure unpleasant emotions without ruminating or performing compulsions.

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Lily, each reply you've made to your own thread has been nothing more than further rumination. 

Take a break. Force your mind onto other things. It can be done, but you have to want to do it. Right now a big part of you wants to keep ruminating because you want reassurance and answers and that's a problem because you won't give up thinking about something you want to think about, even though it distresses you to think it.

As Caramoole said a few days ago, get a plan in place so you're prepared and ready to resist when the urge to ruminate hits again. Have a list of alternative things to keep you occupied whenever the thoughts intrude.

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26 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

No it isn’t Lily. This is what you need to address. Getting better depends upon you being prepared to endure unpleasant emotions without ruminating or performing compulsions.

I currently can’t do any kind of movements, OceanDweller. It’s so painful because I want to touch my dog and I can’t do it because I’m terrified to do so. I only could come close to him and I’m now ruminating because the air from my mouth could’ve bothered him and might have done it for sexual reasons what the heck I didn’t like ANYTHING (this is related to an old event) anyway... this is totally consuming me thank you for responding 

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28 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Lily, each reply you've made to your own thread has been nothing more than further rumination. 

Take a break. Force your mind onto other things. It can be done, but you have to want to do it. Right now a big part of you wants to keep ruminating because you want reassurance and answers and that's a problem because you won't give up thinking about something you want to think about, even though it distresses you to think it.

As Caramoole said a few days ago, get a plan in place so you're prepared and ready to resist when the urge to ruminate hits again. Have a list of alternative things to keep you occupied whenever the thoughts intrude.

Snowbear, I just can’t distract myself. The thoughts are attacking me all the time, no matter how much I want to think about something else. It’s too debilitating now. Last night I almost ended up in hospital due to a major breakdown 😞 I can’t cope with this anymore, I tried doing what Caramoole told me, elaborating a plan and being prepared for the thoughts when they come to me but sometimes I can’t identify which ones are the intrusive... 

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Why are you bothering with trying to identify which thoughts are intrusive? :unsure:  If it upsets you, move your thoughts to something else. Doesn't matter if they are intrusive thoughts, deliberate thoughts, ruminative thoughts or OCD thoughts. If they upset you or cause you guilt GET YOUR MIND ONTO SOMETHING ELSE. 

The first step in learning how to stop ruminating is to master the technique of switching focus. 

Set aside what the thoughts are about, set aside how they make you feel, set aside whether you deserve to feel bad, set aside whether it feels important or not. All these are trying to run before you can walk.

First step: Teach yourself how to switch your focus at will, for no better reason than you have decided you want to focus on something else.

This isn't about OCD, it's a basic life skill. But until you've mastered it you're going to struggle at dealing with your OCD. 

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1 hour ago, snowbear said:

Why are you bothering with trying to identify which thoughts are intrusive? :unsure:  If it upsets you, move your thoughts to something else. Doesn't matter if they are intrusive thoughts, deliberate thoughts, ruminative thoughts or OCD thoughts. If they upset you or cause you guilt GET YOUR MIND ONTO SOMETHING ELSE. 

The first step in learning how to stop ruminating is to master the technique of switching focus. 

Set aside what the thoughts are about, set aside how they make you feel, set aside whether you deserve to feel bad, set aside whether it feels important or not. All these are trying to run before you can walk.

First step: Teach yourself how to switch your focus at will, for no better reason than you have decided you want to focus on something else.

This isn't about OCD, it's a basic life skill. But until you've mastered it you're going to struggle at dealing with your OCD. 

You’re right, I have to work on focusing my mind onto other things because it’s so crippling right now that I’m typing this as I walk down the street and I can’t even properly walk because I’m afraid to put my legs together, how ridiculous is that! Good thing that tomorrow I’m going to therapy 😞 thanks for the advice, snowbear

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I'm a slave of my own mind and it's driving me insane. I can't properly walk and my father's noticed and he even asked me if I was in pain... it's so shameful, I just can't. I feel on the edge all the time, as if I'm about to please myself thinking of my sister/mum and if I do a dangerous movement, I fail and it means I've done it and this is triggered by that test I posted earlier, the 'twisted test' as I like to call it, it's what's affecting me so much it feels like I'm about to do it and then it feels like I've done it when it's the last thing I would do. Today is not good at all and tomorrow is not probably gonna be much better.

Edited by lily17

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19 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Today is not good at all and tomorrow is not probably gonna be much better.

Thinking like that and it wont be.   Tomorrow may be hard, but we have to learn to accept it will be a challenge and become determined to fight through it.

Lily, please take some time to re-read some of your past posts rather than posting your every worry and thought every few minutes.   I am not sure we need to see a new thread every day, because nearly all of them are asking or saying the same thing so I may have to start merging them all into one. 

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