Saz Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Morning everyone. I said a good few days ago now that I was leaving the forum. I have been feeling VERY overwhelmed and hopeless. It all got a bit too much and I became very panic stricken. I am in no way better and still doubt everything relating to my false memory still just as much as ever...but... I AM prepared to try and turn this around now. It's come to a point where I am utterly exhausted, I've posted and repeated myself so many times that even I'm sick of me! It simply cannot go on and I won't allow it any more, certainly not if I can really help it anyway. I've really thought about this and I have believe that you all have my best interests at heart, you are knowledgeable and a lot of you have gone through horrendous times and came out the other side. Even writing this my inner voice is shouting that I'm a fraud etc etc but I'm not listening (very hard to ignore that rush of anxiety that comes with it). I have no evidence, no anything really apart from my own mind telling things and showing me images that are just a product of my (over) imagination! I done some compulsions a few years ago because of all this which have added fuel to the fire as the saying goes and when I think of this I question and doubt myself BUT it was all a reaction to an irrational fear. My whole attitude to this fear was wrong, albeit through no fault of my own and I've spent 5 long years obsessing and worrying for nothing (I hope). The point is it's done and I'm not willing to spend another 5 years like this. Every inch of my body is trying to drag me back in to rumination mode as I post this, this is hard but it's doable, I know this! I was even nervous to write this post as I straight away believe I will jinx myself or by writing this, my fear will prove true blah blah..definitely relentless but definitely not unbeatable! I am currently waiting on cbt, might take a few weeks to find a mutual date for both me and my therapist but it's on the horizon. I can't tell you how EXTREMELY nervous I am about it but it's a must, along with a change in my attitude. In the meantime I am focusing my attention on helping others on here - when I can. There was a time when I did try to help others and not focus so much on myself and I would like to get back to that place. I know all of the above is going to take time, it's not going to happen over night but I have seriously had enough of feeling so awful. A big thank you to every last one of you that has helped me on here. There is a special someone who has gone above and beyond for me when I've been incredibly distressed. I'm sure they know who they are and I hope they see this. You have all been amazing! Much love Sarah xxx Link to comment
Binxy Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 That's the way- you go girl. Time to get your life back! Link to comment
Lynz Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Great post Saz . You know we are all rooting for you and support you in every step of your recovery journey. You can do this! Link to comment
JennieWren Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 You are being very brave. What you've written is no small thing. Well done Link to comment
Lisa davis Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Amazing Saz, that's the voice of a fighter and that's what you are. Take things one day at a time and try to recognise and be proud of your acievements. Be proud of your inner strength and keep fighting, Lisa x Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 SO pleased to hear this Saz! - you can do this. You're incredibly strong and when you put your mind to it I know you can kick OCD's butt. Just be prepared - those doubts WILL return, the urge to ruminate WILL be huge, but just remember this determination and DO NOT GIVE IN, no matter what. Be prepared, be ready, and you won't be taken down when it happens. You might not see improvements straight away and it's important to stick with it even if it feels like you're not getting anywhere - you will in time! and it will be totally amazing and you'll have your life back. You can do this, you've got this - and we're all with you every step of the way xx Link to comment
PolarBear Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 It warms my heart to read this Sarah. You have so much to live for and life will be so much better without this fear hanging over your head. Despite all the chastising I've done over the years, know that you are one tough cookie and I know you can do this! Link to comment
lostinme Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 This is such fantastic news saz we are all rooting for you! You can do this We will be here for you every step of the way Link to comment
snowbear Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 It's great to see you take a stand and feeling determined, Saz. As GBG says, the doubts will return and that can be tough. Often several weeks into therapy there's a plateau in improvement just as your initial determination is beginning to wane, so it's important to be prepared and have some reminders and motivators around to re-energise you on the low days. Post-it notes are great; you can put little sayings you like on them and stick them places you go when your low (for me that's the fridge or bed!) Make a note of some goals you want to achieve when this is behind you, or list the benefits of being able to live your life OCD-free - whatever motivates you personally and keeps you on track. Of course the forum will be here if you wish to help others, but my advice is put your energy into helping yourself for the next few months. This first step of deciding you're going to take action is hugely important. Now the work (and the fun) begins. Pace yourself and good luck. Link to comment
Saz Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 Wow thank you everyone for you amazing words of encouragement! Feeling totally overwhelmed - but in a positive way! I just hope I can do this... I CAN do this! Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Just now, Saz said: Wow thank you everyone for you amazing words of encouragement! Feeling totally overwhelmed - but in a positive way! I just hope I can do this... I CAN do this! YES - you CAN do this Saz!!! xx Link to comment
Saz Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 Just now, gingerbreadgirl said: YES - you CAN do this Saz!!! xx X Link to comment
Saz Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 38 minutes ago, snowbear said: Of course the forum will be here if you wish to help others, but my advice is put your energy into helping yourself for the next few months. Perhaps your right on this one.. I kind of panicked a bit with a reply I just put to someone on the forum, I'm Sat here thinking if it sounded bad/wrong...not to worry it's done now and I've tried to explain myself so I'll move forward. I've had an idea for a while about something I'd like to share with you in the future...something to aim for perhaps x Link to comment
lostinme Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Saz you can do this believe in yourself I’ve been where you are now, but look at me now and how my quality of life as improved immensely through making small changes we are all here for you. Link to comment
Saz Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 Thank you for all being so caring. Just hope I don't let you - or myself down now. What a shame I just got massively spiked, literally just as I'm trying to relax reading in bed. It's a news article that I won't go Into. So I'll take myself off to sleep. Tomorrow will be a good day x Link to comment
Oceanblue Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 Good luck Saz...I am currently on the same path myself and know how soul-destroying false memories can be. Time to get our lives back! Link to comment
Saz Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Thanks. Hope your OK oceanblue. I'm doing OK. Ive been VERY tempted to start ruminating again but I have managed to resist. It's bloody hard. That inner voice screaming at me that something urgent needs 'thinking about' just one more time is something else! It's that feeling it produces, I can't stand it, that rush of anxiety and the panic and fear...I am ok though and I am being strong. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Believe it or Not, that will pass, with time. Oh at first your brain will be screaming at you to pay attention. Stay the course. Your brain will throw tantrums, because it's used to a reaction. Stay the course. Slowly, it will start to get weaker and easier to resist. Keep going! Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 It will pass Saz and you're doing everything right - ignoring that horrible, horrible impulse is exactly what you should be doing - and eventually it really WILL pass. Keep going, you can do this! xx Link to comment
lostinme Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 What an amazing turn around saz your doing fantastic, keep going, you can do this Link to comment
Oceanblue Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I know exactly what you mean Saz. It’s always begging ‘just think this through and give it attention just one more time’. But unfortunately it’s a big fat liar and one more time is never enough. Keep going though Saz,you’re doing brilliant! Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 How are you doing Saz? x Link to comment
Saz Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 Hey guys, Thanks for your lovely comments. Really does make me feel lots better. I'm not too bad gingerbreadgirl. I'm having a bit of a bad time in work but that's in no way related to this. I've kind of just been really not allowing it the time of day. I have noticed I have an awful lot of other ridiculous and horrible thoughts and images too... This has definitely got worse since this false memory... But on the whole I'm ok. Therapist is ringing me tomorrow to arrange times etc so I'll keep you posted. Been keeping really busy with facepaing/transformations and entering competitions and things to keep my mind occupied to. Hope everyone is OK x Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 You are doing fantastically, Saz. This is amazing news (although sorry to hear you'e having a bad time at work). All you have to do is keep going, keep going. Be prepared for anxiety and doubt to strike and be ready for it - as time goes by its grip will loosen and you will have the freedom you deserve. Just keep going xx Link to comment
taurean Posted November 23, 2017 Share Posted November 23, 2017 (edited) I agree GBG. Unwanted intrusions only weaken when they aren't given time of day. Pure and simple. Any kind of connection with them does the opposite - especially trying to force them away! We just need to think "Oh that's just my silly obsession" leave them be, refocus and distract. Edited November 23, 2017 by taurean Link to comment
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