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Final post on this ruminating rubbish


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Hi I'm sorry for posting a zillion times over the same old same old.

I don't enjoy it I promise. Its the only way to cope for me which is just a nightmare as it never stops.

I have just decided to say this one last thing. From now on I will have to try to take advice, or post without ruminating, just with progress i hope

I don't see myself recovering at the moment but when my cbt starts I will update you on it.

So I let my guard down for a moment during my OCD battle... 

Not because I wanted to act on it...but because I felt confident enough that I wouldn't ever act on it. Its like I was poking at OCD saying HA you can't win this time.

It tricked me, within seconds because I let myself feel stronger, I loosened the reins ONCE because I felt no real danger, I felt like I would win,I didn't intend to act but I feel like edging close to it and facing it so head on is all my fault. I cannot work out why this would happen,it's not me,I'm never like that! 

Now OCD has distorted this whole event and left me riddled with guilt and self blame, questioning why I let my guard down, why I wasnt my usual super safe self, I felt pulled in by it without realising that in the end I would lose.

I still have no desire to act on my thoughts but it's destroyed and convinced me I am the monster I feared being all along.

I feel like I could have done better,I could have beaten it,I could have stopped it,I could have acted differently, but it ALWAYS finds a way to win.

OCD cannot be defeated.

It wasn't going to stop until I felt completely destroyed. It won.

Its hell dealing with these thoughts all day long but to lose hope and blaming yourself is just the end for me.

I hope I get better.

Sorry for the posts. Thanks for the help.

Bye for now.

 

 

 

 

Edited by ocdsufferer85
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You had no reason to keep your guard up. There was no reason for you to be super careful. It's all an irrational fear. It's smoke and mirrors. You keep beating yourself up for making a mistake but there was no mistake. It wasn't a big deal at all. And it won't be a big deal when you get your compulsions in check and stop fuxating on this less than minor situation.

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It's a learned response to an OCD-driven issue, and it has got out of hand, but it can be unravelled in therapy. We all go through this process to some extent be it one scenario or various. 

The solution - applying CBT - remains the same.

The answer to why is - OCD. 

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10 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

How do I know whats a real and what's a false memory?

This is the source of your turmoil, right here. To get better, you must accept that you will never know. And live with it. Happily. Unquestioningly. I know you will respond with ‘but I can’t live with not knowing’. Because that’s the pattern that all your threads follow. But I’m telling you sufferer, beyond any doubt, that living with not knowing is the only way you’ll move forward. Take a while to absorb this irrefutable fact.

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10 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Your original post sounded like 'testing' - not an exposure, but more a kind of 'let's see this time', a pretty commonplace, but insidious form of compulsion. 

But I didnt even want to test, it was because I had this thought "how would that even be done" and then I started to react to that question, not intending to speak or anything, I allowed myself to see, because I knew I didn't want to do anything. 

But I feel immense guilt for it because it's like I lost control, I decided in that moment that I could be more relaxed about it, I would usually avoid it, but it's like I knew inside I'd never do it, I felt different, I felt in control for once and had this chilled out confidence for a brief moment, however when I realised that OCD would love it if I messed up I performed the compulsion to check nothing had happened. 

That's how I understand it, does it make sense? (illogical sense)

What followed was what caused me to freak out because it happened out of nowhere. All my control was lost. I wasn't even thinking and I freaked out because I felt like it happened by accident. Its like all that relaxing earlier had backfired and suddenly I'd caused a massive worry.

No intentions.

But my worry in a nutshell was

'what if I spoke under a breath and didn't know if i had said anything "

I saw this as making a mistake, I don't know why. 

I had been controlling it despite being relaxed and suddenly when I stopped controlling it I was no longer able to be certain.

I blame myself for listening to OCD in the first place. 

:( I am in utter torment day in day out.

Its illogical - you can't exhale words 

But OCD says what if...

I have this immense guilt.

Its a case of being controlled for years by OCD and the moment I felt stronger than it, it found a way to destroy that. Like it was waiting for me to fall into its trap.

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You do NOT have to repeat yourself every second post, explaining what you think happened seven years ago. It does no good. It does us no good because we've heard it 50 or 100 times already. It does you no good because it is a compulsion. 

I suspect you think if you explain it just one more time we'll respond differently. We won't. The advice we've already given you will be the same tomorrow and in six months. So please stop repeating the same thing.

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