Feeling on the edge.

[lily17]

Hi all, I’m feeling very anxious over my intrusive thoughts. It feels like I’m going to give in any minute, it feels like I’ve already gave in. And what I mean with “giving in” is doing something that causes me actual pleasure thinking of my sister/mother, I get that thought and then I do any kind of movement and it feels like it’s come true. I don’t know what to do about this. My therapist says I’m kind of involved with magical thinking now “if i do this, then that will happen” and it feels terrible to believe I could do something that causes me pleasure. Like I could just scratch my arm and get a groinal response plus intrusive thought about my sister and that’s it. It’s what’s happened now, I slightly rubbed my breast and got that intrusive thought + groinal response, I tried to figure out if I liked it and it felt like that... I’m desperate now cause my OCD is taken out my ability to do absolutely everything. I’m a life prisoner of my own mind  

[lily17]

Please someone help me. I’m very anxious and I’m currently trying to study for my upcoming exams but I can’t focus. My mind is all revolutionated because my sister just came into my room to give me a good night kiss and I was looking at my notebook whilst moving my face towards hers to kiss her cheek and I didn’t look where I was putting my lips and I almost gave her a peek! Like my lips slightly touched hers and I’ve freaked the hell out and told her to leave my room. This wasn’t intentional at all and she even laughed but...  

Also I just can’t stop ruminating about what I’ve told in previous posts, the tests that I’ve done as if they weren’t tests but at the end they were indeed twisted tests that’s how I called them  because I’ve done them twice to see how I reacted to them “not” being tests and of course, my reaction from the tests itselves. I’m all the time in this hyper-aware, controlling mood of my behaviour, awaiting for me to lose it and perform an action that’s not a test and then finally enjoy it ? I feel so close to giving in to these thoughts, it’s just so so crazy up there! 

Edited November 16, 2017 by lily17

[PhilM]

What kind of help do you think someone can give you if the previous advice offered has not been listened to? What do you actually expect anyone to say about the posts above?

That may sound harsh but as Ashley said on another thread you're posting on the same theme on new threads almost every day and it seems to me (as a long-term sufferer of this condition) that what you're after is reassurance not advice.

As I've said before reassurance is like an addictive drug - the more we get, the more we want.

Edited November 17, 2017 by PhilM

[lily17]

The previous advice has been listened to, and believe me that I’ve tried to apply it, but my OCD is so extreme now it takes my whole self over. I’m currently trying not to ruminate over what I’ve typed above and it works from time to time, I feel better today and I hope I don’t mess up.

[PhilM]

You're receiving treatment. You're very young  and clearly very intelligent and have a bright future ahead of you.

I've had OCD for 22 years - can you imagine how I FEEL some days?

[lily17]

2 hours ago, PhilM said:

You're receiving treatment. You're very young  and clearly very intelligent and have a bright future ahead of you.

I've had OCD for 22 years - can you imagine how I FEEL some days?

That's a really long time... Wow. And yes, I can imagine how you feel... I hope I can get over this disorder soon, but I'm not gonna rush. It's just that these intrusive thoughts I'm having right now hurt terribly. They're threatening me and I can't let go of them for some reason...

[lily17]

Help me please. I’m in turmoil right now. I was watching a tv show and every movement I made, my brain related it to sex and therefore, me doing this thinking of my mother. Then my brain threatens me that if I do x movement, it will be to actually please myself thinking of my mum, like doing it for real and not a test. Then I do a random movement like briefly moving my waist and deep breathing as I was getting comfortable in bed and that’s it, it feels like I’ve done it thinking of my mum to please myself thinking of her. I try to continue watching my tv show but when I’m done with it, I have this urge to try and replicate that movement doing deep breaths whilst I’m laying on my side, scrolling down my Twitter timeline and as I’m doing it I’ve noticed there  there was a baby pic on the timeline, oh my god I had to do it looking at that baby pic and the deep breaths made me have this feeling of arousal or groinal response maybe but it wasn’t from looking at that baby and now I feel as bad as if I masturbated to him I’m really such a mess right now it was all a test but my mind is making me believe 1/3 of the times I did the test, that 1 seemed enjoyable and that it wasn’t a test  help me

Edited November 17, 2017 by lily17

[JennieWren]

I will say that I am sorry for your suffering and how unbearable it feels. A big hug winging its way through the wireless connection. You are not alone and everyone understands.

but only you can help you. I agree you are looking for reassurance and why wouldn't you? What you are doing is reasonable, but I also agree that this forum should not be about this. 

 

[lily17]

11 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

I will say that I am sorry for your suffering and how unbearable it feels. A big hug winging its way through the wireless connection. You are not alone and everyone understands.

but only you can help you. I agree you are looking for reassurance and why wouldn't you? What you are doing is reasonable, but I also agree that this forum should not be about this. 

 

I’m trying to use my rational part of the brain and think a way through this. It was just a test and that feeling wasn’t because of the baby, I just had to go to the bathroom and idk, maybe I just had a groinal response along the feeling of liking it.

Anyway, thank you for your support Jennie, sending big hugs to you too! I know reassurance isn’t good it’s just that I’m in such a horrible place right now but I have to try and keep on living.

[JennieWren]

I think it's natural to turn to others for anything that will make us feel better. The horror and desperation feels so great. It is such a shame that it doesn't work for this illness. Keep hanging on Lily. It will get better. X

[lily17]

14 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

I think it's natural to turn to others for anything that will make us feel better. The horror and desperation feels so great. It is such a shame that it doesn't work for this illness. Keep hanging on Lily. It will get better. X

Right now I feel extremely low I just can’t take this anymore I can’t 

[helen10937]

Sorry but it's frustrating you are not listening to advice then when someone helps u 5 mins later u r back with the same thing

[lily17]

8 minutes ago, helen10937 said:

Sorry but it's frustrating you are not listening to advice then when someone helps u 5 mins later u r back with the same thing

Believe me, it's also frustrating not being able to stick to the advice given... 

[snowbear]

A reminder folks that offensive posting will not be tolerated. The post (and replies relating to it) have been removed. The matter ends here and now.

Please remember that the forum is not a place to express your personal frustrations with other users.

If someone does post an offensive reply, please do NOT respond or engage in further discussion about it. Alert the mod team and it will be dealt with in the appropriate manner as soon as possible. 

Thank you. 

[helen10937]

Sorry