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So... had a really bad time with OCD of late and enough is enough.  I've got through this before, I've read all the books and applied all the techniques and bought the t-shirts, and I can do it again.

My main issue is that I've been spiked by the revelations around Harvey Weinstein and others.  It's made me become totally obsessed with the idea that I could have sexually assaulted someone in my late teens (when I had a habit of behaving disgracefully).  The combination of the constant media commentary, my hazy memory of that time (due to alcohol as well as the passage of time) and also my general guilt about that time in general (which makes it just feel plausible) has been a perfect storm OCD-wise.  And I've handled it in the worst possible way - I've been analysing every incident I can remember to the nth degree.  Each time I've "solved" one, felt better, and moved on, another incident has popped up in my memory - it feels a bit like whack-a-mole. I've been googling and reassurance-seeking and basically doing everything I would tell people on this forum not to do! :)

So as painful as it is I need to stop this and apply the techniques I know will work.  I will never have the total certainty I crave.  I will never know for sure I didn't do something bad.  I will never know for sure I'm not going to one day get a knock on the door from the police.

What I do know is: I suffer from OCD.  I am experiencing an upsetting obsession (i.e. I did something bad, I'm going to prison, this will hang over me forever), and I am carrying out compulsions to try and reduce my anxiety (ruminating, viewing it from different angles, reassurance-seeking, googling).  I have no evidence that I have ever done something like this. There is zero evidence.  My OCD is focused on the fact that I can't prove it didn't happen.  But I can't remember something that didn't happen, and it's fruitless to try.

I need to make peace with my uncertainty, stop engaging with it, and do something else.  Allow the uncertainty to be there, don't fight it, don't do anything with it. 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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You go GBG!  Enough is enough!

4 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

My main issue is that I've been spiked by the revelations around Harvey Weinstein and others. 

Me too! And I doubt we're the only ones- I suspect this has "set off" a lot of peoples OCD.  The news is full of it and it seems that there is no way to hide.  I've had a few rocky moments but nothing catastrophic so far.  I completely understand how this feels though.

6 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I have no evidence that I have ever done something like this. There is zero evidence.  My OCD is focused on the fact that I can't prove it didn't happen.  But I can't remember something that didn't happen, and it's fruitless to try.

You probably even need to be careful with this.  Arguing that there is no evidence is still wrestling with it and try to "self reassure".  Do what you were doing before (I know this is hard when you're in the throes of the monster)- zero engagement with the thoughts and zero tolerance on the compulsions.

8 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I need to make peace with my uncertainty, stop engaging with it, and do something else.  Allow the uncertainty to be there, don't fight it, don't do anything with it. 

Yup.  That's what you need to do.

You've got through this before GBG and you will again.  This is a blip and it will pass when you label this as OCD and move on with your life.  As you've said, have trust in the fact that you have this horrible disorder, don't engage, don't do anything to reason with the thought/worry... just accept it's OCD and crack on with your day.

 

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Thanks Binxy - you are as always very wise and kind! You're right that even what I put above (about there being no evidence) was a sort of compulsion.

I really struggle with sorting through what I do have reason to feel guilty for (and there is some stuff) and what is actually just OCD, and I think picking between these two things has mixed in with the OCD as well (i.e. obsessing over what is real guilt and what isn't, and whether I can let myself off or not, etc. etc.)  Just lately it has all mixed together into this giant stew. 

Edit: I think a problem here is also my tendency for all-or-nothing thinking - i.e. that I am either wholly good or wholly bad, and because I have done some things I genuinely regret, this makes me wholly bad, which makes me feel like it's plausible that I have done terrible, illegal things as well.  I don't know whether this is OCD or an issue with low self-esteem but I'm find it hard to pick through it all.

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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This business of what is or isn't OCD is a crux of many people's issues. 

But we have all done things that were bad and we regret.

Let he or she who has never sinned cast the first stone. 

I am no different. But I don't think there are many in my case, yet I did learn an important thing from many important things from the great book - the original with this title, it's been copied since :

"How to stop worrying and start living"  by Dale Carnegie. 

This book is still as relevant now as it was when it was written in the 1950s.

This particular thing I learned was not to saw sawdust - it's already sawn. 

What's done is done, we cannot change it, we have to let it go and move on. 

For many years I have followed this doctrine, and the past has been left behind and I have anchored myself into the present. 

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Hey gbg, so sorry U have been struggling so, I just wanted to let u know that I too am sick of seeing those news stories, they aren’t triggering my ocd, they’re just so unpleasant and everywhere at present, my partner who doesn’t have ocd agrees! There’s been such an onslaught of this unpleasant news, it’s every time u open up Facebook, news sites, google! It’s not pleasant for anyone and even worse for people who are sensitive to these stories because of OCD, I think u have expressed what U have been doing and what u need to do perfectly well and I hope u start to feel better soon! Good luck xx

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55 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi GBG. As I’ve stated previously, I rarely keep abreast of the news. I already know how detestable humankind can be. I don’t need reminding every day! I don’t see it as avoidance. I’m just happier not knowing.

I'm starting to think this isn't a bad idea.  I've always been a bit of a news geek but it only ever brings me anxiety - you only ever get to hear the bad stuff.  who decides what is news worthy anyway? It is always the sensationalist stuff that gets press coverage.

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1 hour ago, Wonderer said:

Hey gbg, so sorry U have been struggling so, I just wanted to let u know that I too am sick of seeing those news stories, they aren’t triggering my ocd, they’re just so unpleasant and everywhere at present, my partner who doesn’t have ocd agrees! There’s been such an onslaught of this unpleasant news, it’s every time u open up Facebook, news sites, google! It’s not pleasant for anyone and even worse for people who are sensitive to these stories because of OCD, I think u have expressed what U have been doing and what u need to do perfectly well and I hope u start to feel better soon! Good luck xx

Thanks Roy, I have this book and love it. time to get it out methinks!

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1 hour ago, Wonderer said:

Hey gbg, so sorry U have been struggling so, I just wanted to let u know that I too am sick of seeing those news stories, they aren’t triggering my ocd, they’re just so unpleasant and everywhere at present, my partner who doesn’t have ocd agrees! There’s been such an onslaught of this unpleasant news, it’s every time u open up Facebook, news sites, google! It’s not pleasant for anyone and even worse for people who are sensitive to these stories because of OCD, I think u have expressed what U have been doing and what u need to do perfectly well and I hope u start to feel better soon! Good luck xx

Hi Wonderer, I know it is everywhere - I do think it's good that this culture of harassment is being addressed but the media coverage does seem to be going massively over the top.

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17 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Wonderer, I know it is everywhere - I do think it's good that this culture of harassment is being addressed but the media coverage does seem to be going massively over the top.

Totally agree. 

As someone who has a not dissimilar OCD theme, in connecting with and personalising violent news stories though, I could see that avoidance wasn't the solution. 

I am doing much better by working my ERP, in conjunction with my understanding of how the disorder is creating that false core belief - and reading the news daily. 

Occasionally something "bites", the disorder homes in on something in milliseconds and an anxiety response attempts to start , but I gently but firmly move my focus away and on to something positive, loving kind and involved and beneficial. 

This has been working well. It breaks the connection to the trigger and stops the anxiety response.

So avoidance is no long term solution. To reach a state where we can do what I describe above, and "pull" (disarm - make benign)  the trigger, we have to face things not avoid them. 

Edited by taurean
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3 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I think a problem here is also my tendency for all-or-nothing thinking - i.e. that I am either wholly good or wholly bad, and because I have done some things I genuinely regret, this makes me wholly bad, which makes me feel like it's plausible that I have done terrible, illegal things as well.  I don't know whether this is OCD or an issue with low self-esteem but I'm find it hard to pick through it all.

This is definitely an OCD issue, GBG. Unfortunately most people with OCD would also have this faulty thinking, and it would also cause problems for them. I'm definitely like this. As you know I've been struggling with my wedding planning because my all-or-nothing mindset is telling me that because I don't feel 100% in love and over the moon all the time when I'm with my partner then that means we're not right for each other and we shouldn't get married. This is despite us being together for 9 years now and are still very happy together. It just goes to show how OCD and faulty thinking patterns can cause huge problems for us sufferers.

2 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

As I’ve stated previously, I rarely keep abreast of the news. I already know how detestable humankind can be. I don’t need reminding every day! I don’t see it as avoidance. I’m just happier not knowing.

I'm the same too OceanDweller. I don't see it as avoidance either as it's widely known that our 24/7 news and social media culture is massively affecting people's mental health. I do believe that human beings aren't designed to cope with this relentless stream of bad news without it affecting us in a negative way.

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6 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

So... had a really bad time with OCD of late and enough is enough.  I've got through this before, I've read all the books and applied all the techniques and bought the t-shirts, and I can do it again.

My main issue is that I've been spiked by the revelations around Harvey Weinstein and others.  It's made me become totally obsessed with the idea that I could have sexually assaulted someone in my late teens (when I had a habit of behaving disgracefully).  The combination of the constant media commentary, my hazy memory of that time (due to alcohol as well as the passage of time) and also my general guilt about that time in general (which makes it just feel plausible) has been a perfect storm OCD-wise.  And I've handled it in the worst possible way - I've been analysing every incident I can remember to the nth degree.  Each time I've "solved" one, felt better, and moved on, another incident has popped up in my memory - it feels a bit like whack-a-mole. I've been googling and reassurance-seeking and basically doing everything I would tell people on this forum not to do! :)

So as painful as it is I need to stop this and apply the techniques I know will work.  I will never have the total certainty I crave.  I will never know for sure I didn't do something bad.  I will never know for sure I'm not going to one day get a knock on the door from the police.

What I do know is: I suffer from OCD.  I am experiencing an upsetting obsession (i.e. I did something bad, I'm going to prison, this will hang over me forever), and I am carrying out compulsions to try and reduce my anxiety (ruminating, viewing it from different angles, reassurance-seeking, googling).  I have no evidence that I have ever done something like this. There is zero evidence.  My OCD is focused on the fact that I can't prove it didn't happen.  But I can't remember something that didn't happen, and it's fruitless to try.

I need to make peace with my uncertainty, stop engaging with it, and do something else.  Allow the uncertainty to be there, don't fight it, don't do anything with it. 

I have nothing but empathy for you gingerbreadgirl. Our stories are so similar and we seem to be at a similar 'point' in all of this - determined to not let this beat is, sleeves rolled up, getting tough... But at the same time we are still tormented by certain things, it's still catching us out and it makes us feel just awful, for want of a better word! 

I was spiked last night, just as I was relaxing in bed, thought I'd scroll through Facebook and BAM! A news article that had been re-posted was very distressing to me, I couldn't believe it because I had such a positive day. I tried to ignore it and went to sleep. My Dr told me ages ago to not read the news, when I told him it upset me more than I think it should,  and I remember thinking that what he was saying was avoidance. That being said I think the news now is mostly always of a distressing nature. I think ocd or not it's very, very depressing and I also think I'd be better not reading it. For me it's not even just news it's about other things...sometimes I just don't know what to believe. 

I don't really have any answers just now because I'm going through it myself and trying to figure everything out and move forward... I'm still very determined don't you know! I think you are a very strong lady and this has just been a blip for you. If you have to limit how much time you spend reading the news in order to help you initially feel better, then I'd say it's a good idea. I know it's hard with social media... Sometimes I see an article that I know is gonna spike me and I'm arguing with myself as to whether I should click on it or not. One voice shouting 'NO you will regret it, you will feel worse' the other voice shouting 'It's wrong to avoid it'. So hard... For me I end up feeling worse bit I'm hopeful in the future I can read the majority of news without freaking out and personalising them to myself x

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2 hours ago, Saz said:

I have nothing but empathy for you gingerbreadgirl. Our stories are so similar and we seem to be at a similar 'point' in all of this - determined to not let this beat is, sleeves rolled up, getting tough... But at the same time we are still tormented by certain things, it's still catching us out and it makes us feel just awful, for want of a better word! 

I was spiked last night, just as I was relaxing in bed, thought I'd scroll through Facebook and BAM! A news article that had been re-posted was very distressing to me, I couldn't believe it because I had such a positive day. I tried to ignore it and went to sleep. My Dr told me ages ago to not read the news, when I told him it upset me more than I think it should,  and I remember thinking that what he was saying was avoidance. That being said I think the news now is mostly always of a distressing nature. I think ocd or not it's very, very depressing and I also think I'd be better not reading it. For me it's not even just news it's about other things...sometimes I just don't know what to believe. 

I don't really have any answers just now because I'm going through it myself and trying to figure everything out and move forward... I'm still very determined don't you know! I think you are a very strong lady and this has just been a blip for you. If you have to limit how much time you spend reading the news in order to help you initially feel better, then I'd say it's a good idea. I know it's hard with social media... Sometimes I see an article that I know is gonna spike me and I'm arguing with myself as to whether I should click on it or not. One voice shouting 'NO you will regret it, you will feel worse' the other voice shouting 'It's wrong to avoid it'. So hard... For me I end up feeling worse bit I'm hopeful in the future I can read the majority of news without freaking out and personalising them to myself x

I think you're right that it's OK to avoid the news and other triggers in the beginning while you're still getting to grips with it and are wobbly etc. I think it's important only to do exposure when you are in the frame of mind to treat it as exposure and you prepare to treat it as exposure beforehand, and know why you are doing it and what you hope to get out of it. 

My opinion is that it's important to tackle compulsions first, then address avoidance, cognitive restructuring, and so on.  That's what I've done in the past with various obsessions that I've beaten (although granted I'm not doing very well at it right now!)  That's just my opinion though.

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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16 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

So... had a really bad time with OCD of late and enough is enough.  I've got through this before, I've read all the books and applied all the techniques and bought the t-shirts, and I can do it again.

My main issue is that I've been spiked by the revelations around Harvey Weinstein and others.  It's made me become totally obsessed with the idea that I could have sexually assaulted someone in my late teens (when I had a habit of behaving disgracefully).  The combination of the constant media commentary, my hazy memory of that time (due to alcohol as well as the passage of time) and also my general guilt about that time in general (which makes it just feel plausible) has been a perfect storm OCD-wise.  And I've handled it in the worst possible way - I've been analysing every incident I can remember to the nth degree.  Each time I've "solved" one, felt better, and moved on, another incident has popped up in my memory - it feels a bit like whack-a-mole. I've been googling and reassurance-seeking and basically doing everything I would tell people on this forum not to do! :)

So as painful as it is I need to stop this and apply the techniques I know will work.  I will never have the total certainty I crave.  I will never know for sure I didn't do something bad.  I will never know for sure I'm not going to one day get a knock on the door from the police.

 

I know you are wise enough to deal with it GBG. I have same kind of OCD as you (false memory). In my tough times I posted my problem and received some nice reply from you. Those were a great guide for me. You are among the persons who guided me to come out of my dark moments of false memory.

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8 hours ago, worriedjohn said:

I know you are wise enough to deal with it GBG. I have same kind of OCD as you (false memory). In my tough times I posted my problem and received some nice reply from you. Those were a great guide for me. You are among the persons who guided me to come out of my dark moments of false memory.

That's really kind of you to say worriedjohn, thank you xx

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This interchange gave me an idea, which I would like to bounce off you folks in case it helps. 

In the world of insurance within which I worked, when we were looking to see if a loss was covered under the policy, we used a doctrine called "proximate cause". 

We needed to see if the loss was caused by an insured peril directly flowing from that proximate cause - the original underlying cause, and not actually the consequence of some separate, subsequent, intervening cause not due to an insured peril. 

So in GBG's case, it looks like the proximate cause is the Weinstein revelations, and her OCD has attached to that, personalised (you might have sexually done something bad years ago) and connections by the illness are now being made to other cases of sexual misdemeanor - which aren't new issues, but they still flow from the same proximate cause - the core belief that she might also be guilty, is bad, should be punished. 

The issue of all or nothing thinking is, for me, a separate thinking distortion with which the OCD is teeming up. It's a separate "proximate cause"  of another OCD core belief (she is either good or bad)  but, whereas it often operates separately as a theme, in this case it is teaming up with the other - sexual misdemeanor - core belief, and the two are producing devastating "disorder", and high consequential compulsing, which just has the effect of keeping the anxiety cycle going. 

So maybe looking for proximate causes, plus any subsequent new and intervening cause producing a different OCD core belief, can help us identify the OCD thinking distortions and core beliefs, and make sure our therapy uncovers the cognitive reasoning behind the core belief, so that we can unravel it. 

Bit longwinded - not my usual simple approach - but does it make sense? 

Edited by taurean
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Hi Roy,

I think I understand some of what you're saying.  I'm slightly confused by this:

4 hours ago, taurean said:

it looks like the proximate cause is the Weinstein revelations, and her OCD has attached to that, personalised (you might have sexually done something bad years ago) and connections by the illness are now being made to other cases of sexual misdemeanor
 

What do you mean by "other cases of sexual misdemeanor"?

Many thanks,

GBG x

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Hi GBG 

I am talking about all the other subsequent reports in the media regarding allegations of inappropriate sexual behaviour against all sorts of people. 

Regards 

Roy 

 

Edited by taurean
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In all areas of OCD, there's always something almost universal, I feel that affects every sufferer; with religious OCD it's fear of committing the unpardonable sin, with things like this it's the fear that you've done what these people have done.

I'm sorry you're finding things difficult, Ginger. Honestly, I don't know what to add, except congratulations on tackling it so brilliantly. :)

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On 17/11/2017 at 15:55, gingerbreadgirl said:

I'm starting to think this isn't a bad idea.  I've always been a bit of a news geek but it only ever brings me anxiety - you only ever get to hear the bad stuff.  who decides what is news worthy anyway? It is always the sensationalist stuff that gets press coverage.

You also don't get a balanced view in these news articles. I went to a local Ted-x lecture event today which addressed some pretty distressing world events going on at the moment. Within all the stories told, there was good and bad and all shades of grey: People who lost everything only to learn what's important in life; people who learnt about unconditional forgiveness through something bad happening to them. 

This is my observation, correct me if I'm wrong: In the OCD 'narrative' we do something 'bad', wreck lives and deserve punishment. Like some simplistic Hollywood movie, or the Old Testament. But this  takes power and narrative away from the people whose lives we have supposedly wrecked. They are allowed no feelings or growth outside of our narrative. I have done this to people I love and it diminishes them and what they are capable of.

Also, the OCD narrative supposes that when bad things happen to people they can't make a good life for themselves. That they will be 'destroyed' by it. This is contrary to a lot of real life examples I know. Some of the most inspirational people I know have been through terrible things. They would not have chosen those life events, but they dealt with them, learned from them, and moved on. 

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On 20/11/2017 at 21:16, Saz said:

How are you gingerbreadgirl? X

Sorry for not replying to this Saz. I'm doing OK.  I am still having some wobbles.  But things are definitely better than they were 2 weeks ago.  One thing I am finding though is that even though the OCD is steadily improving, I am feeling quite low now, like I have lost interest in things.  This has happened to me before off the back of a relapse.  It almost feels like my brain has just had to hit the "off switch" to all emotions or something.  Anyway I am hopefulI will get there in time.

Hope you are doing OK x

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Awww no :( I think the whole thing drains you that much, you use so much energy thinking about it,  that you are left with nothing but that horrible depressed feeling at the end. It's good you feel a bit better and hopefully that feeling of being down will soon start to shift.  I can relate, I honestly can. X

Edited by Saz
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