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Exposure exercise; why I'm so stressed


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Hi y'all

With all this talk about exposure and rumination, well. It's making me want to admit a couple of things to myself; not a confession and not a plea for reassurance. I'd just like to talk about my worries because I'm feeling pretty stressed and have been for a while.

So first things first: the good news is that I am no longer praying for forgiveness every time I have a bad thought (yes, I'd fallen back into bad habits). I'm just letting them pass through me, because they're flotsam and jetsam.

As for why I'm so worried, well. This is the hard part. 

Six years ago I was just recovering from an OCD-induced depression after questioning something in my life that I liked doing and how it related to my religion. I'd got so used to worrying about it. Then I had a moment in my head of maybe making a promise that I would stop doing the thing I liked doing, based on something else that had got to me regarding my religious OCD that I knew was wrong and what's worse is that before that, I thought that it would be something to worry about. And I heard the words in my head but I don't know if I said them out loud or just thought them very clearly. 

Yeah, I know.

So. This is why I'm so haunted. I feel like I've committed an unforgivable sin against God and that the God I believe in doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to know me. I feel I'm hearing all this stuff in my head, God telling me what to do and I feel it's wrecked me. One silly moment of madness and I feel it's made its own story, all because I like worrying so much. It's like an itch I can't scratch. I know that as we grow older we get more worries but I physically cannot stop worrying about this and I feel so alone and burdened with it all. But I was scared that if I spoke about it, it would make things worse; it was bad enough I was ruminating about it. I don't know what to do as I've had it on my mind for a long time and I'm used to worrying. I just don't feel I have the best on my OCD, essentially. Basically, I feel shame and depression over this one moment - and I know, I know we all make mistakes but I feel so guilty and wonder if come my death, I will be punished. I really don't want to trigger anyone else's OCD here but I'm so terrified my God no longer wants me. I feel like a bit of a loser; I can't seem to deal with my OCD anymore and I can't help but blame myself for it, because I feel I've locked myself into a corner I can't get out of and I'll never be free of this burden - I don't deserve to be better and I feel I ought to be punished. 

And I do not want reassurance or anything like that - I mean this as an exposure exercise, talking about my fears rather than bottling them up because I'm scared about what will happen if I talk about it. I just feel the anxiety from this has made me worse as a person and I'm terrified about my future, that I'll always be worrying because I just cannot shake this off - that I'll be an anxious partner, an anxious parent, that I may have anger issues, that I'll always get stressed too easily - and that makes me worry that it means something, that I have to do something for my God. My GP said I put far too much pressure on my shoulders but it's been tormenting me; I can't feel 100% normal and do the things I want to do because I feel I'm not allowed to do it, which makes me push forwards and try and prove I can do it, to spite my OCD - with disastrous results. Every time I try and do something, I remember this moment and wonder if it's OCD or God telling me not to do the thing and I have to stop myself ruminating to 'prove' that everything will be alright. 

I know this sounds mad and random; I just feel I can't bottle this up any longer and if I want to stop ruminating, I have to be honest with myself about why I'm so worried. I'm a bit of a mess, to be honest. I just needed a safe space to talk about it all. I hope you all understand. More than that, I hope the God I believe in understands. 

C x

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You should talk to OCDsufferer85. Exact same obsession, now in its seventh year.

Does your holy book say Thou shalt punish thineself all the days of your Earthly life if thou utters bad words?

Edited by PolarBear
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As a Christian, I'm convinced that our God is is loving and merciful. I'm also convinced that he knows about your struggles and loves you anyway. God is just and that dies mean judgement. However, his compassion is never failing and, in this situation, I'm pretty sure that's what he'd want you to feel.

I've struggled with the whole 'What if it's God telling me to do this thing, not OCD?' I know God speaks to people in all kinds of different ways. However, as my husband said, God is loving and kind and the idea that he'd use the same way that an illness does to communicate with someone, doesn't fit with that picture. 

God is love and his light shines in you, even when you feel worthless. Xx

Edited by snowbear
removed swearing
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i have a mans voice in my head that talks to me when my anxiety and OCD gets bad. I say this because I don't view this now as anything but a manifestation of my MIND. It is not god telling you what to do. Don't try and reassurance yourself with thoughts like 'well god is good etc so why would he...'

better to say this is anxiety, this is OCD and be done with it. You talk of terror, of rejection, of being punished, of not being loved. Common OCD themes for me! 

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Thanks for the words of comfort, guys. :hug: It's reassuring to hear that voices in our heads aren't uncommon, so I'm extremely grateful for that in particular. I've been keeping busy at work this week and haven't had a lot of time to think, so that's been good.

I've been feeling a bit better since I admitted it and don't feel I'm on my own so much; I feel that by sharing my fears, I've kind of letting my burden be shared and halved-  by you guys, by the things I believe in, by the God I believe in, rather than shying away and tackling it all on my own and growing afraid of my beliefs. I'm not going to pretend to be a perfect Christian but then, who is? One thing I've learned on this journey is sometimes you need to take a step back and trust that whatever it is that you believe in will guide you in the right direction and you've kind of got to have faith in that as well as yourself. I've really been working on loosening myself up over the last ten years. Haven't always done well at it but I'm still alive, anyway. I guess I just want to do good but also have some fun along the way!

I've recently ended up moving somewhere new in my life; I used to live in Wales but now I'm back in England and closer to home. It's nice to know that my family isn't so far away. I'm still concerned about my anxiety because I stress so much and I'm a walking ball of nerves, but one step at a time. 

Thanks again, everyone. 

C x

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Religion is a tricky one for me, as it offers things that can easily become part of our OCD themes: God in the abstract offers unconditional love, but it is easy to turn 'him' into a parental type figure who we don't want to displease/disappoint/be rejected by. In that way god holds a mirror up to ourselves.

Religion can be about offering us certainty in an uncertain world. It gives us explanations for the unexplainable. 

It also offers us a moral path. How to be better people. If we are already coming to this from a point of obsession then that's not right.

religion is also full of themes like 'punnishment' and black and white thinking. For example, if you don't believe you'll go to hell. 

I am a Buddhist and I no longer  believe in god actually, but all the same my OCD wound its way into all the elements of my practice and my faith, turning them sour and making me worse at times.

thats not to say I should throw my faith out. But I have put it to one side whilst I do the work to ensure I can engage with it 'properly' later down the road. 

I would be interested to hear your ideas on balancing faith and OCD.

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47 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

Religion is a tricky one for me, as it offers things that can easily become part of our OCD themes: God in the abstract offers unconditional love, but it is easy to turn 'him' into a parental type figure who we don't want to displease/disappoint/be rejected by. In that way god holds a mirror up to ourselves.

Religion can be about offering us certainty in an uncertain world. It gives us explanations for the unexplainable. 

It also offers us a moral path. How to be better people. If we are already coming to this from a point of obsession then that's not right.

religion is also full of themes like 'punnishment' and black and white thinking. For example, if you don't believe you'll go to hell. 

I am a Buddhist and I no longer  believe in god actually, but all the same my OCD wound its way into all the elements of my practice and my faith, turning them sour and making me worse at times.

thats not to say I should throw my faith out. But I have put it to one side whilst I do the work to ensure I can engage with it 'properly' later down the road. 

I would be interested to hear your ideas on balancing faith and OCD.

I agree Jennie. Wise posting.

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You've all been so kind to post such lovely things like this. It truly is a comfort to know I'm not alone.

I guess I worry that I'm not being the best person I could be - that I could be better but instead I'm being swayed by other things in my life and that I'm not giving my all to God and won't admit it. But I guess the God I believe in is loving and patient and understanding; I've been learning to consider God as that humouring Mum who knows you keep those particular magazines under the matress. I know it's okay not to be perfect, but I do nitpick at all these little things, particularly in my writing - is it okay for these two characters to hold hands, share a bed, to kiss, etc and that reeeeeally bothers me because I worry about it. I guess the trick is to write the things that I felt comfortable and come to me naturally. I agree religion is so very difficult, because you have to have trust and have faith and there's so much criticism of religion already and the trouble it can cause, as well as the good. It can feel restricting sometimes, I'll admit and I don't want to be restricted, but neither do I want to be so open-minded my head falls out. 

Like you, Jennie, I feel I sometimes have to take a big step back. I see religious OCD as almost... pressing yourself against a religious painting in constant piety but to really understand, you have to take a step back from it and see everything. It is hard to know what's real and what's not in religion and OCD but at least I know at the centre of it all, there is (or should be) love. My brother once told me I should give religion up and I don't want to do that, but I know I'm not exactly devout. Maybe I'll figure it out with time. I do still fear there's no hope for me and God anymore and that I'll never get out of this corner and I'm beyond hope. At least I know I'm not alone with this. :hug: 

C x

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As an ex-sufferer of scrupulosity aka religious OCD. I know all too well what you are going through Cub. I have always emphasised in many of my previous posts, OCD causes the sufferer to focus narrowly on the hellfire and brimestone aspects of religion. Other than having a firm understanding of how OCD works, one of the other reasons why I was able to overcome it was because I realised that there was so much about compassion and forgiveness in religion in general. Whether the religion has a central deity or a creator god is beside the point in the context of dealing with OCD.

Now, I am a Buddhist, there is no belief in a creator god in Buddhism. There is no creator god to punish me or sent me to eternal hell for not believing in him but my scrupulosity latched on to my fears of committing bad karma and that led me to years of mental suffering and compulsive and pointless religious rituals to ease the suffering. Thankfully there is a very strong emphasis about Metta (Loving-Kindnesss) as well as Wisdom and Mindfulness in Buddhism. I was able to utilise loving-kindness and compassion as a tool to love and forgive myself and see myself as person deserving of happiness and love as much as anyone else. It actually made me more spiritual and committed to my faith. 

OCD is about irrationality, falsehoods, lies, it steers the sufferer into the negative. In my humble opinion, what we need to do as spiritual and people of faith is to adopt a more balanced approach. Look at faith with a balanced attitude. As much as there is a moral code, right and wrong and there is also love, kindness and compassion and we should apply as much of both aspects towards how we behave and how we treat ourselves, tipping the imbalance OCD creates in our minds back to equilibrium.

Edited by St Mike
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12 hours ago, St Mike said:

Metta (Loving-Kindnesss) as well as Wisdom and Mindfulness in Buddhism. I was able to utilise loving-kindness and compassion as a tool to love and forgive myself and see myself as person deserving of happiness and love as much as anyone else. It actually made me more spiritual and committed to my faith. 

This is excellent and I wholeheartedly agree with this. I would teach metta practice to everyone if they'd listen! A lot is talked about mindfullness and meditation in western countries. But actually metta is what should be being discussed as the foundation of mindfullness. It is an exceptional tool. I have used it to deal with both physical and mental pain. 

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16 hours ago, JennieWren said:

This is excellent and I wholeheartedly agree with this. I would teach metta practice to everyone if they'd listen! A lot is talked about mindfullness and meditation in western countries. But actually metta is what should be being discussed as the foundation of mindfullness. It is an exceptional tool. I have used it to deal with both physical and mental pain. 

I agree, Jennie, I belong to the tradition which don't separate Mindfulness and Metta. Metta practise and Metta meditation can be used as a foundation for the development of mindfulness and having a strong background in mindfulness can strengthen the development of Metta. Both Metta and Mindfulness are self-reinforcing and powerful antidotes to the two self-reinforcing components of OCD, namely, Intrusive thoughts and Compulsions.  

Excuse the slight off tangent to the post, Cub. And thanks for sharing your thoughts, Jennie.

With Metta, 

Mike

Edited by St Mike
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Not a problem, guys. I've felt quite a bit better since I shared this and it's good to let other people's opinions in - after a while, it can become quite isolating to deal with all this on your own and it's nice to have the reminder that others are out there and that faith is so much bigger than just yourself. In a way, it helps you loosen that need to maintain control, because I often feel like I'm holding on extremely tight, way too tight if that makes sense and it doesn't make me happy. 

I want to be happy; however, I often wonder, do I need to keep this promise in my head from years ago or am I okay just to let it go? It still dogs me, because, well - it feels so real and it chases me around with the thought that I need to try. I've taken the pressure off my shoulders to be better but I still get spiked and think 'Hang on, can I do this?' I don't quite know how my God feels on the issue. Hm. Maybe the fact that I'm trying - and that one mistake doesn't define me - is good enough. 

On a separate note, I'm still a little stressed generally and people at my work have noticed that I seem to panic a lot, although I'm working on that. I'm considering (still) some form of therapy, just to help me talk my worries through. 

Anyway, thankyou for your help, advice and comfort.

C x

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