Sick of just exsisting instead of living.

[Lish]

I literally feel like I am trapped in a box with no way out. That is my life at the moment. 

As soon as I kick OCD ass and managed to deal with it, the memory that triggered my relapse comes back even worse. I feel like what else can I do??

The memory is I had a drunken one night stand with an ex whilst me and my boyfriend were on the verge of breaking up two years ago. I dont need to be told this was wrong because trust me i know and im paying the price. Me and my boyfriend worked it all out a year back,are very happy even bought a house, but i just still can't move on from this.

I've read and watched self forgiveness books and videos all of them in the world.. but the flashbacks will come when I am laid in bed with him or when we are talking about our future. When will I ever be free of this? It is a massive loop in my mind that I can't escape. I'm sick of it. As soon as I improve I go back to square one. Sometimes i even get thoughts that I dont deserve to eat.

I love him all the world but sometimes i think should I just start again. But then I've got it in my head that I wouldn't be ok without him. This is what my life has become. Anyone have any tips?

Edited November 20, 2017 by Lish

[Lish]

I never seem to get any advice from many people when I post on here. Oh well I suppose it's a good thing seeing as I'm doing yet another compulsion.

[JennieWren]

Have you forgiven yourself aside from it being a compulsion? There is a difference between understanding forgiveness and doing it. I think true self-forgiveness is saying "I did a bad thing, but I've learnt from it and I won't do it again." And then letting it go. Not carrying it in your mental 'rucksack'.

it sounds two pronged. These are my thoughts: Firstly treat it like an OCD obsession and act accordingly with all of your obvious wisdom. Secondly, work out the sticking point or hindrance to moving on. If you did let it go, what would happen? What would your life look like and would that be ok with you? I know you don't want to ruminate so just write it down and then be done with it. And if you can't forgive yourself make peace with that. So you don't feel worried about it. Say "right now I can't forgive myself and I'm turning it into a compulsion. And that's just how it is right now. That's ok for the moment". 

I hope a few of these thoughts might be helpful. It does sound like you are trying to ruin your own happiness somewhat.

[JennieWren]

2 hours ago, Lish said:

I dont need to be told this was wrong because trust me i know and im paying the price.

This is an interesting sentence isn't it? The truth is you have made yourself 'pay the price'. I wonder if because your boyfriend has forgiven you and isn't punishing you, you've taken it upon yourself to right the 'wrong' instead by putting yourself in a kind of mental prison. There is nothing positive to this no wonder you feel trapped. 

in life, people don't learn to be good by being simply being  'punished'. They need to understand what they did wrong, the affect it had on someone. They need to take full responsibility for that action and apologise. They then need to ask for forgiveness and forgive themselves. Then it's time to move on, and use the experience as a lesson in order to do better next time.

I have seen this through bringing up my own children. Punishment just leads to feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. 

[Lish]

Thanks JennieWren. I do feel like I am ruining my own happiness I agree. When I had CBT they asked if I treasured my other halves happiness more than my own.. and I said no.. and she said so why can't you let go? I've never been able to answer that question. I am going back for more CBT soon as I feel this needs to be dealt this. I'm not scared of facing my anxieties and other ocd thoughts but for some reason I am scared of this one. Yes I agree. I did say to my therapist I feel like all this ocd crushing down on me is my punishment for what i did. But I don't want to be punished any more. I'm only 23 and I want to LIVE my life.

Edited November 20, 2017 by Lish

[PolarBear]

Guaranteed the reason this has stuck around is that you freak out when the thought surfaces and then you do compulsions. Fix those and the thoughts will dwindle and become less severe.