JennieWren Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I have come a long way on my journey. I've used many different positive methods to get to where I am now and I believe in them, I live by them but I just can't shake this sense of bitterness. i feel bitter that I'm a fixer. I came to this forum like a drowning person looking for a raft and then bizarrely try to offer advice to everyone else, because I can't stop trying to fix. This is fixing is unhealthy and part of my problem. So even something good for me is turned into something messed up. I'm bitter because of all small things I can't do, like babysit for my friend tomorrow because of how I'm doing. Or get a job helping people. Or drive a car. Or go on a plane. And I'm bitter because even now I have no formal diagnosis. And I've had to live with this from being a child. I'm so high functioning that even I didn't know how messed up I am. A process that I'm still uncovering in onion like layers. I work so hard but I'm still this broken head that I'm trying to fix (sense a theme). And I'm tired and I'm sad all the time. And I'm looking for validation from strangers which is also a silly idea when the slightest bit of criticism makes me spiral. I didn't ask for this. I'm trying so hard for myself and my family. I'm committed to therapy. I'm committed to loving kindness and forgiveness methods. But at the end of the day I still have to be me. Link to comment
Lisa davis Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 HI jennie, I really am sorry that you feel this way right now. I hope that you can try and turn your negative thoughts into more positive ones. It's ironic that the bad always outweighs the good, but only if we let it. You may feel right now that are incapable of many things but it won't always be this way. Try instead to focus on achieveents you are managing such as being committed and trying hard with therapy. You should feel proud of yourself for this. It can be a hard battle that we have to fight, but fight we must. We all deserve to live our lives. Stay strong lovely, Lisa x Link to comment
JennieWren Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Thank you for replying Lisa. Thank you for offering hope. I'm sure other people would feel lucky to have my life aside from the OCD. it just feels relentless sometimes. Link to comment
Lisa davis Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 You should try not worry too much about what other people think and instead, concentrate on yourself and your recovery, that is what is important for you and your wellbeing. I know how overwhelming OCD can be as I'm in the same situation as you right now. As fast as one intrusive thought goes another one replaces it. It seems like a never ending battle. However, I have been in this place before and for whatever reason I find myself back again. But I have one thing now that I didn't have before and that is the knowledge that I can overcome this. It will take strength and courage and at times we might feel like we are not getting anywhere. But I believe that this is where we learn the most about ourselves and how we can best fight this disorder. This is the part that makes us stronger and fight that little bit harder. Stay strong and know that you are not alone, Lisa x Link to comment
JennieWren Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 All of this is right. I'm going to re-read it tomorrow when I've had some sleep Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Hi Jennie you have a wonderful place here for people who really understand what you are going through cos we too are sufferers. You will feel better, nothing stays the same, 'this too shall pass' and it will. Keep strong, sending you love and blessings X Link to comment
JennieWren Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Thanks Nikki. Link to comment
HDC Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Jen you've been so helpful to me on here! I know it's a pain, but think about strong we all are to conquer this day in and day out, it makes me sad too to realise how big a part OCD plays in my life but, it's me... and I can choose how I cope And what I do to help others And you help others! So I'd be proud if anything!! Link to comment
JennieWren Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 Thanks HDC. You, like everyone I've come across on this forum has given me wise and sound advice. It feels as if OCD allows us to help everyone else but more difficult for ourselves. I feel calmer today. But by facing my issues I am going through a period of grief and anger I think. Not self pity but more a recognition of what life has been like for me, especially as a child. I recognise this is focusing on the negative but it's pouring out of me. It's a fine line of recognising and acknowledging emotion and not wallowing! as over time I've read different posts on the forum I can identify with so many themes, ones that even now I thought of as normal behaviour in my own mind. So many lightbulb moments but rather overwhelming. I'd like to continue helping others. I felt if I could do that all this wouldn't be such a waste. But I'm also going to be careful as it can easily become a compulsion for me. Thanks again for all the kind words. They've really helped me. I normally flip into depression at this point, but the support from friends family and the forum are making it much easier this time round. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I prayed for last night Jennie Wren you are well thought of and you will get through this X Link to comment
JennieWren Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 That's really kind thanks Nikki Link to comment
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