Struggling to pet my dog.

[lily17]

Hello... I’m at my best friend’s house and she’s getting ready in her room and I’m in the living room with her 4 year old brother who is so cute and I’ve been playing with him, having thoughts about touching him to pleasure myself ? I’ve been trying to avoid these thoughts and have been laughing with him and all but really now it feels like I’ve touched his arm or something to pleasure myself because I had a groinal response and I think that I had an intrusive thought when I only touched his arm because he was trying to jump onto my lap and I didn’t want to and I was like oh my god I just touched his arm as an automatic response and it was all so fast and then it’s like I touched his arm again for the same reason but it feels like I gave in to the thoughts or something when I absolutely don’t want to do such horrible thing  I didn’t test myself or anything I just feel like I’ve touched him to sexually please myself and it feels so damn real I know no better 

Edited November 17, 2017 by lily17

[Ashley]

Another day, another post along similar lines to others.  I am not sure the post standing serves you or the forum Lily.

 

[lily17]

I just don’t know  I touched his arm to get him away from me because I’m afraid of him coming near me, that’s all. But I did it so fast and did it twice because he kept coming at me and wanted to like jump onto my lap so that’s why I’ve pushed him away and now I feel like I’ve done it to please myself because of the damn groinal response

[lily17]

This time feels so damn real right after pushing him away I thought I did it for those reasons and then I thought that’s it I've finally done it the thing I was fearing all the time I’ve done it ?

[Ashley]

Look I know you're struggling, but like I said the other night, the forum isn't a place to post about every single OCD thought or worry you have, which seems to be how you're using the forum. 

To start moving forward, sometimes we have to take a step backwards. 

It is a place to seek advice and education, and maybe we are guilty of not offering enough of that to you, you need to tell us. But at some point all forum users have to take in that advice and start understanding how to implementing it and actually implementing it. 

The thoughts you're having are what scaring you, but actually it's not the thoughts themselves it's what the thoughts mean that are actually causing such distress. 

 

[lily17]

1 minute ago, Ashley said:

Look I know you're struggling, but like I said the other night, the forum isn't a place to post about every single OCD thought or worry you have, which seems to be how you're using the forum. 

To start moving forward, sometimes we have to take a step backwards. 

It is a place to seek advice and education, and maybe we are guilty of not offering enough of that to you, you need to tell us. But at some point all forum users have to take in that advice and start understanding how to implementing it and actually implementing it. 

The thoughts you're having are what scaring you, but actually it's not the thoughts themselves it's what the thoughts mean that are actually causing such distress. 

 

I know it’s all about the importance I give to the thoughts but when they’re about real life events they scare the **** out of me... and they feel so real like it’s true it seems like it 

[OceanDweller]

37 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I know

 

37 minutes ago, lily17 said:

but

This is your automatic response to all the advice you are offered Lily, and the reason you never make any progress.

[lily17]

17 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

 

This is your automatic response to all the advice you are offered Lily, and the reason you never make any progress.

I just... can't deal with this anymore. I give up. There's anything I deserve anymore. I can't even breathe and no one seems to understand

Edited November 17, 2017 by snowbear
removed swearing

[Caramoole]

24 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I can't even breathe and no one seems to understand

The thing is Lily is that everyone understands but they also understand that unless you start to take the advice on board and try to put it into pracise, along with your therapists advice....you'll continue to feel in such a state.

So far you have sexual feelings towards your Sister, your Mum, your dog, a four year old child.......accompanied by a level of disgust and extreme fear and anxiety that is off the scale.  Does that sound like someone who's enjoying this experience or does it sound like someone who's struggling with the unwanted intrusions, thoughts, feelings, sensations caused by OCD?  I know what it sounds like to me.

If you carry on trying to deal with things in this way, the problems will get worse and stay with you.  You have to change your plan because at the moment what you're doing isn't helping.

[lily17]

35 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

The thing is Lily is that everyone understands but they also understand that unless you start to take the advice on board and try to put it into pracise, along with your therapists advice....you'll continue to feel in such a state.

So far you have sexual feelings towards your Sister, your Mum, your dog, a four year old child.......accompanied by a level of disgust and extreme fear and anxiety that is off the scale.  Does that sound like someone who's enjoying this experience or does it sound like someone who's struggling with the unwanted intrusions, thoughts, feelings, sensations caused by OCD?  I know what it sounds like to me.

If you carry on trying to deal with things in this way, the problems will get worse and stay with you.  You have to change your plan because at the moment what you're doing isn't helping.

Thank you Caramoole, you opened my eyes. I don’t know how to deal with these horrible intrusive thoughts, sometimes my mind threatens me and if I make x movement, it means that I’ve done it as not a test but as something to please myself. It’s hard to explain but it’s happening to me ever since I’ve performed actions that I didn’t label as “tests” but in the end I think they were tho.... because I was testing my reaction to them not being “tests” and I didn’t do it for pleasure I was anxious as hell... I think it’s the same fear disguised. So sorry I’m doing it again. Thank you for responding me in this uneasy moment.

Edited November 17, 2017 by lily17

[Caramoole]

36 minutes ago, lily17 said:

it as not a test but as something to please myself.

As I said, does this represent pleasure to you?  I see absolute agony, not any form of pleasure.  I see a mixed up, tired mind who's frightened of thoughts that they find horrific.  I see OCD written in mile high letters.

Quote

It’s hard to explain but it’s happening to me ever since I’ve performed actions that I didn’t label as “tests” but in the end I think they were tho.... because I was testing my reaction to them not being “tests” 

Exactly right.....they are all tests and checking and like OCD does, it tends to take the very things we do to convince ourselves we're not a monster....blows them up in our face and has the opposite effect.  It convinces us we are the monster we fear.

You must be ready to recognise these thoughts when they crop up, don't let them catch you out like the very first time.  You know what they are, we here have explained, your therapist has explained....and in rational moments, you understand that.  When the thought crops up and catches you unaware, you react with fear and try to make it right by carrying out these tests.  It won't ever help you....it just ensures that you stay on red alert, it gives more importance to the fears.  You have to recognise the thoughts as a product of OCD so that when they happen you can think "I know what this is, I must try not to start checking or doing other compulsions.  This is fear that I'm feeling"  The thoughts will still scare you, the fear will still strike....but everytime you understand that fear and deal with it by accepting and understanding why, little by little the anxiety will reduce.  As the anxiety starts to reduce and you react less, the fear and frequency of thoughts will become less.

Be ready Lily, you know the cause, now you have to be brave and start to work on dealing with these fears differently

 

[lily17]

9 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

As I said, does this represent pleasure to you?  I see absolute agony, not any form of pleasure.  I see a mixed up, tired mind who's frightened of thoughts that they find horrific.  I see OCD written in mile high letters.

Exactly right.....they are all tests and checking and like OCD does, it tends to take the very things we do to convince ourselves we're not a monster....blows them up in our face and has the opposite effect.  It convinces us we are the monster we fear.

You must be ready to recognise these thoughts when they crop up, don't let them catch you out like the very first time.  You know what they are, we here have explained, your therapist has explained....and in rational moments, you understand that.  When the thought crops up and catches you unaware, you react with fear and try to make it right by carrying out these tests.  It won't ever help you....it just ensures that you stay on red alert, it gives more importance to the fears.  You have to recognise the thoughts as a product of OCD so that when they happen you can think "I know what this is, I must try not to start checking or doing other compulsions.  This is fear that I'm feeling"  The thoughts will still scare you, the fear will still strike....but everytime you understand that fear and deal with it by accepting and understanding why, little by little the anxiety will reduce.  As the anxiety starts to reduce and you react less, the fear and frequency of thoughts will become less.

Be ready Lily, you know the cause, now you have to be brave and start to work on dealing with these fears differently

 

I performed those actions because I had an intrusive thought saying “what if you did something and it wasn’t a test” so yes I had to do it that way, not labeling as a test but in the end I wasn’t doing it because it was something I wanted to do to pleasure myself... therefore, they were some kind of twisted tests I forced myself to do to make me feel more miserable and it’s like now I’m all the time yelling at myself because it feels like I’m performing them or I’m about to do it when I don’t want to, you know? And then it’s like boom! It feels like I’ve done it and I end up in tears. It’s very hard to explain but I think you’ve understood me better than my therapist did because she didn’t say anything, perhaps I didn’t explain myself well... Anyway, I know this is a brand new way of my OCD manifesting itself to make me feel more miserable if it was even possible. It’s truly terrifying to be in this situation, hell I can’t even cough without feeling insecure and I know it sounds so lame. Thank you so much for sharing your view on this. I’ll try to forgive myself and move on. 

Edited November 17, 2017 by lily17

[JennieWren]

Can I ask you a question Lily, which is more frightening? This endless hell of rumination and checking? Or doing the work of facing yourself and your thoughts in the CORRECT way?

i only say this because for me in the past, in a way, I'd rather carry on in my own private hell, bad as it was than face myself and make changes. OCD seemed like a big bad monster even more so because I had no diagnosis. It had power over me. I felt it could destroy me. Therefore turning around to face it was frightening. Better to put my head in the sand and endlessly repeat. And I didn't think I deserved to be well. Because I was a nothing person. Those two prongs stopped me making much recovery. I would say I wanted to get well. But I never DID it. 

[lily17]

7 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

Can I ask you a question Lily, which is more frightening? This endless hell of rumination and checking? Or doing the work of facing yourself and your thoughts in the CORRECT way?

i only say this because for me in the past, in a way, I'd rather carry on in my own private hell, bad as it was than face myself and make changes. OCD seemed like a big bad monster even more so because I had no diagnosis. It had power over me. I felt it could destroy me. Therefore turning around to face it was frightening. Better to put my head in the sand and endlessly repeat. And I didn't think I deserved to be well. Because I was a nothing person. Those two prongs stopped me making much recovery. I would say I wanted to get well. But I never DID it. 

It’s exactly where I am now. I don’t really think I deserve to get well. Everytime I try to face OCD, it turns back on me in the most horrible of ways, like I’ve mentioned in my previous post. It can get completely disabling for me... I believe everything it says

Laughing at my past self who would say “maybe if i got a diagnosis i would be much confident” alright my therapist told me the other day these exact words “you really do know more about obsessive-compulsive disorder than me!” And I was like so it really is OCD after all, isn’t it?! But here I am, once again, doubting..........

Edited November 18, 2017 by lily17

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, lily17 said:

Anyway, I know this is a brand new way of my OCD manifesting itself to make me feel more miserable if it was even possible

There's a very well-known quote from an OCD specialist/author which is

"IF IT FEELS LIKE OCD, IT PROBABLY IS"

....and it's a very accurate quote and summary of the situation and one we should really to apply when we feel confused, frightened, doubtful etc etc....."If it feels like OCD, it probably is"  Accept that likelyhood.  Put down the search for answers, stop analysing, resist testing or questioning...."If it feels like OCD, it probably is"

And there is no "IT" out to get you.....no Gremlin plotting your downfall......this is just your brain reacting to fear and to thoughts that distress you.  Your brain is working because of your reaction to the thoughts, you are responding in a way that is telling your mind there is a real threat, when in reality there isn't.....except to your own peace of mind.  I do appreciate though that it isn't easy.

So Lily, tomorrow....what's the plan?  Are you going to keep jumping to the tune of your anxiety or are you going to try and change the reaction when the thoughts and doubts hit you?  Because they will still hit you....those doubts will come, you will still feel that pit of terror in your stomach.....BUT you can buy into them and keep on with the checks, the self-hatred etc or you can recognise the thoughts for what you "deep down" know they are (OCD) and try to sit with the anxiety without doing the compulsions to make them stop.  Stopping the compulsions will cause a fearful reaction......but doing them isn't making them stop either....and doing them ensures that they will stay in charge.

Wishing you a better day tomorrow and the strength to trust in the advice and to try it out......you've nothing to lose by trying

[JennieWren]

7 hours ago, Caramoole said:

And there is no "IT" out to get you.....no Gremlin plotting your downfall......this is just your brain

I agree with this. I have discovered this.

[lily17]

9 hours ago, Caramoole said:

There's a very well-known quote from an OCD specialist/author which is

"IF IT FEELS LIKE OCD, IT PROBABLY IS"

....and it's a very accurate quote and summary of the situation and one we should really to apply when we feel confused, frightened, doubtful etc etc....."If it feels like OCD, it probably is"  Accept that likelyhood.  Put down the search for answers, stop analysing, resist testing or questioning...."If it feels like OCD, it probably is"

And there is no "IT" out to get you.....no Gremlin plotting your downfall......this is just your brain reacting to fear and to thoughts that distress you.  Your brain is working because of your reaction to the thoughts, you are responding in a way that is telling your mind there is a real threat, when in reality there isn't.....except to your own peace of mind.  I do appreciate though that it isn't easy.

So Lily, tomorrow....what's the plan?  Are you going to keep jumping to the tune of your anxiety or are you going to try and change the reaction when the thoughts and doubts hit you?  Because they will still hit you....those doubts will come, you will still feel that pit of terror in your stomach.....BUT you can buy into them and keep on with the checks, the self-hatred etc or you can recognise the thoughts for what you "deep down" know they are (OCD) and try to sit with the anxiety without doing the compulsions to make them stop.  Stopping the compulsions will cause a fearful reaction......but doing them isn't making them stop either....and doing them ensures that they will stay in charge.

Wishing you a better day tomorrow and the strength to trust in the advice and to try it out......you've nothing to lose by trying

This is such a great piece of advice. I just woke up and I’m currently telling the thoughts to go to hell. I don’t know if it’s a good response to do something and say “i’m gonna do this and i don’t care about you, ocd, you can get lost” but it’s working for me, kinda. I’m doing just the opposite of what OCD wants me to do and I don’t know, today I just feel a lot better and I’m seeing my cousin again which is really good cause I love spending time with her, she’s so important to me. Thank you so much for this great response, Caramoole  

Edited November 18, 2017 by lily17

[lostinme]

Keep going lily, you can do this  believe in yourself! 

Its hard at first, but it’s not until you start to go against the ocd thoughts and start to work on stopping the compulsions that you begin to realise that things can and will get better over time and slowly you begin to gain confidence and start getting your life back on track. The more you do it, the more you begin to see the changes and the more you want to keep going. 

Be strong and keep fighting 

[lily17]

26 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Keep going lily, you can do this  believe in yourself! 

Its hard at first, but it’s not until you start to go against the ocd thoughts and start to work on stopping the compulsions that you begin to realise that things can and will get better over time and slowly you begin to gain confidence and start getting your life back on track. The more you do it, the more you begin to see the changes and the more you want to keep going. 

Be strong and keep fighting 

I’m being able to dismiss any kind of responses OCD throws at me, for now. We’ll see how I feel when the day finishes. Thank you so much lost, we always have keep fighting! ??

[lily17]

I just fell for it again. I was being silly in front of my sister, she was on the sofa watching a film and I made this movement like when you’re stretching down to reach your feet and said “hello” in a silly tone to her so my OCD kicked in and made me believe I was doing that for sexual reasons wtf? Then I had to test it again (I’m sorry I just fell compelled to do it) and like I wanted her to look at me to see how I felt or something and also doing that to see if I liked doing that movement (if I liked the feeling it brought me) and I didn’t like it, of course but now I’m ruminating about why I wanted her to look at me, was it because I was gonna like it sexually? No, I don’t think so. I just think it was because I wanted to see my reaction to her looking at me but I feel so bad for this???? Like no I didn’t want her to look at me because I like her looking at my body or anything that’s a big NO. But what if I wanted her to make eye contact to me and like it sexually? It’s just I don’t know ?

Edited November 18, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

Then I was standing in front of her and I looked at her for her to look at me back for sexual reasons, I freaked out and left the room. I did the same thing with my mum just to make me feel guiltier and I looked away... Neither of them looked at me and I’m relieved because I actually didn’t wanna do it I had this weird look on my face and I didn’t even want to please myself I think... 

Edited November 18, 2017 by lily17

[Caramoole]

When are you going to work at stopping this Lily?

Everytime a thought happens you don't work the advice, you head here and write things down in great detail (which is another compulsion).

You may have "felt" compelled but you can resist the compulsion, yes it will hurt, you will very feel anxious but you can resist,  This is what I was trying to explain yesterday about being armed and ready for the thought, rather than it catching you out every time.

The forum is here to offer advice and support, we're not here to provide a platform for carrying out and supporting compulsions.  As Ashley mentioned yesterday, if this remains constant we may have to consider closing some of those threads.

You're going to have to work hard Lily, it's not going to go away in a couple of hours, it needs repeated action and these thoughts are going to challenge you

[lily17]

1 minute ago, Caramoole said:

When are you going to work at stopping this Lily?

Everytime a thought happens you don't work the advice, you head here and write things down in great detail (which is another compulsion).

You may have "felt" compelled but you can resist the compulsion, yes it will hurt, you will very feel anxious but you can resist,  This is what I was trying to explain yesterday about being armed and ready for the thought, rather than it catching you out every time.

The forum is here to offer advice and support, we're not here to provide a platform for carrying out and supporting compulsions.  As Ashley mentioned yesterday, if this remains constant we may have to consider closing some of those threads.

You're going to have to work hard Lily, it's not going to go away in a couple of hours, it needs repeated action and these thoughts are going to challenge you

It’s just that sometimes the thoughts feel so real, and not intrusive, as if they were my true thoughts and it’s so damn scary. I understand those things I did were tests which in themselves were obviously compulsions and I wish I could stop it. Now I can rationalize a bit better, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Apologies for posting again and thank you Caramoole  

[Caramoole]

8 minutes ago, lily17 said:

It’s just that sometimes the thoughts feel so real, and not intrusive

OCD always feels real.  If it didn't it wouldn't have the power to frighten us as it does, we'd just be able to shrug it off.

When you get one of these thoughts that seem so real YOU CAN SAFELY ASSUME THIS IS PART OF YOUR OCD

[lily17]

52 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

OCD always feels real.  If it didn't it wouldn't have the power to frighten us as it does, we'd just be able to shrug it off.

When you get one of these thoughts that seem so real YOU CAN SAFELY ASSUME THIS IS PART OF YOUR OCD

Thank you so much, I’ll try to remember your words.