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24 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

Ok if that's the case tell me where should you be going/doing to seek help? If you haven't got OCD then what have you got? And what should you be doing about it?

even if you haven't got OCD then you still have the power to change yourself. Even if you are this terrible person you keep telling me about, you still have the power to change. The thing is you don't want to do that because then you'd have to start investing in yourself. You'd have to start thinking you are worth something. You'd have to forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself.

And you don't want to. Not because you deserve punishment but because you just don't want to. 

If this comes across as harsh know that it comes from a place of love and kindness. ❤️

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD but I don’t know because she asked me what I believed that I had... and I responded that OCD. Maybe I had anything to do with that diagnosis therefore she can be wrong about me :( and I... don’t even know what to respond, I’m in a really really bad place at the moment you’re making me question if I really like this... maybe I’ve known it all along and just redeemed it? Or refused to acknowledge it? Oh my god. No, I can’t take it anymore. 

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17 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

i do get it. It feels easier to give in so at least you can stay in bed and stare at the ceiling. You don't have to socialise, get dressed, go to school or work, look after the children in my case etc etc. You can abdicate responsibility for everything and do nothing and therefore in a weird way be free. I have been there. I've made other people responsible for me just by refusing to do it any more. 

I feel terrible because my mum is now gonna go to work all worried about me because all I do is cry and just be in bed as you said... feeling pretty suicidal but not gonna do it I don’t even have the strength 

Edited by lily17
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I suspect you aren't suicidal, you just don't want to do this anymore. So you've given up. But even then you don't get to be free because of the guilt of worrying others that love you. I have been right where you are!!!!! It sucks doesn't it. ?

so what happens now? What's the one positive thing you can do today? 

I want you to tell me it and do it.  

It doesn't matter how small. In fact keep it small so it's not overwhelming. It could be just making yourself a cup of tea. and if bad thoughts get mixed up in it it doesn't matter at all you won't have 'failed'. It's the action that counts. So you can say it was a crappy day but I managed that one thing that I did for lily.

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27 minutes ago, lily17 said:

you’re making me question if I really like this...

You misunderstood me. I don't think you 'like' this. Of course you don't. But somewhere in your psychy there is a hindrance or barrier to your recovery. It's a part of your identity perhaps? What bit of you doesn't want to make a change and why?

when I did this for myself I realised I was holding in vast amounts of anger. I couldn't make any move to recovery because a part of me felt furious and full of rage about any positive change. This was surprising to discover.

I'd also say that no therapist would ever ever give a diagnosis based purely on the patients own suggestion. 

Lastly, I'm not trying to make you doubt yourself. You are doing that already. I'm just pointing it out so you can start to identify your own barriers to recovery. 

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42 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I’m in a really really bad place at the moment you’re making me question if I really like this...

This is really, really unfair of you. I thought this is literally what you've been posting about all the time? How did she do this to you somehow? :-( Take responsibility, it's worth it. You have the capacity to recover, to feel much better going forward if you take the leap!

Edited by ohwhyhello
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Good luck Lily. I wish you all the best. I thought I could go onto this forum and have help for myself as well as helping others but from 'ohwhyhello's comment it is clear that I shouldn't be writing posts.

Obviously my post read really badly, and not how I intended at all. I am no therapist and I was wrong to write anything that could make your situation worse. It is a fine line for us all. I have always questioned my own motives and found it helpful to understand my triggers and core beliefs behind my actions. I acknowledge that this came out completely wrong and that I made things worse. I'm not going to write anything else, but you have my support and I will be thinking of you. X

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3 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

Good luck Lily. I wish you all the best. I thought I could go onto this forum and have help for myself as well as helping others but from 'ohwhyhello's comment it is clear that I shouldn't be writing posts.

Obviously my post read really badly, and not how I intended at all. I am no therapist and I was wrong to write anything that could make your situation worse. It is a fine line for us all. I have always questioned my own motives and found it helpful to understand my triggers and core beliefs behind my actions. I acknowledge that this came out completely wrong and that I made things worse. I'm not going to write anything else, but you have my support and I will be thinking of you. X

You didn’t write anything inappropriate or harmful Jennie. Your post was misconstrued. Stay and contribute. Your input is insightful and valuable.

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Thanks OD. But Lily I am going to leave you be. From the little I know of you you are a lovely human being who doesn't deserve what's happening to you. I guess I was trying to fix you or help you like I never was. You are in such a delicate place that I would hate to be the architect of you feeling worse. That was the opposite of my intention.

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12 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

Thanks OD. But Lily I am going to leave you be. From the little I know of you you are a lovely human being who doesn't deserve what's happening to you. I guess I was trying to fix you or help you like I never was. You are in such a delicate place that I would hate to be the architect of you feeling worse. That was the opposite of my intention.

This is a tricky one Jennie. On the one hand, your own wellbeing must be your priority. It you feel that posting on any given thread may be of detriment to you, then of course you must desist. On the other hand, we need to be cautious not to treat other forum users like they’re made of China. It’s very easy when in the throes of anxiety to believe that we are far more fragile than is actually the case. Sometimes advice is difficult to take on board. But that doesn’t mean it’s not ultimately of benefit. If stepping back is driven by self-preservation, then that’s perfectly valid. But please don’t withdraw for fear of causing harm. You’ve haven’t even teetered on the edge of doing anything of the sort.

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2 hours ago, ohwhyhello said:

This is really, really unfair of you. I thought this is literally what you've been posting about all the time? How did she do this to you somehow? :-( Take responsibility, it's worth it. You have the capacity to recover, to feel much better going forward if you take the leap!

No, she didn’t do that to me... it’s me that I doubt all the time. She did nothing wrong 

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2 hours ago, JennieWren said:

Good luck Lily. I wish you all the best. I thought I could go onto this forum and have help for myself as well as helping others but from 'ohwhyhello's comment it is clear that I shouldn't be writing posts.

Obviously my post read really badly, and not how I intended at all. I am no therapist and I was wrong to write anything that could make your situation worse. It is a fine line for us all. I have always questioned my own motives and found it helpful to understand my triggers and core beliefs behind my actions. I acknowledge that this came out completely wrong and that I made things worse. I'm not going to write anything else, but you have my support and I will be thinking of you. X

You should keep writing posts because you have given me great advice and I’m a total idiot and misunderstood it because I was a total mess in my head I’m so sorry for making you feel bad I don’t know how I can make it up for you ?

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Hi Lily

I have merged the threads because there's no beneficial reason to create a new thread, the problem is the same one and it is better that all the replies and advice are filed in one place.

And on that note, I am going to consider removing some of the posts if they just continue to be detailed lists of thoughts/actions/movements etc.  They are simply compulsions and it's not helpful to allow you to continue to do this.

If you want to see an improvement in how you feel then you will have to start and try to put some of this advise into practise, nothing will change simply by reading things and feeling comforted for 10 minutes or so.....one day, whether that's today, next week, next year or (as in some cases) 10 years time.....one day you'll have to bite the bullet and start a plan to face the things you're avoiding doing.  We all know how hard it is to do, how challenging it is and that it won't happen over night but it's the only way.  You have to decide to make the changes.

 

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10 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Lily

I have merged the threads because there's no beneficial reason to create a new thread, the problem is the same one and it is better that all the replies and advice are filed in one place.

And on that note, I am going to consider removing some of the posts if they just continue to be detailed lists of thoughts/actions/movements etc.  They are simply compulsions and it's not helpful to allow you to continue to do this.

If you want to see an improvement in how you feel then you will have to start and try to put some of this advise into practise, nothing will change simply by reading things and feeling comforted for 10 minutes or so.....one day, whether that's today, next week, next year or (as in some cases) 10 years time.....one day you'll have to bite the bullet and start a plan to face the things you're avoiding doing.  We all know how hard it is to do, how challenging it is and that it won't happen over night but it's the only way.  You have to decide to make the changes.

 

Caramoole, I haven't started a new topic today. I suppose you're talking about the one I started last night. The details compulsion is one of my worst ones and I can't manage to put that one under control right now... the testing one neither, I feel like I do it unconciously when I don't want to? Just how twisted can this thing get...

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That still doesn't mean that we will necessarily allow those posts to stand, not if it's something that is worsening your situation.

As someone said earlier, you have to address the lanuage you use like "but...", "can't" etc.  You can, it may be difficult, you will feel anxious, you won't manage all the time but you can start the process of change.

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7 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

You apologise a great deal Lily. I can’t help wondering if (although this is never actually articulated on the forum) in your mind you’re saying sorry because you know deep down that you’re not going to take on the advice offered. Could this be the case?

No, that's not the case. I'm not that bad. I apologise because I feel the need to do it, because I feel that I'm a burden.

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7 minutes ago, lily17 said:

No, that's not the case. I'm not that bad. I apologise because I feel the need to do it, because I feel that I'm a burden.

I’m not suggesting you’re bad Lily. Just that you might be feeling a tad remorseful for not taking on the advice you’re offered.

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1 minute ago, OceanDweller said:

I’m not suggesting you’re bad Lily. Just that you might be feeling a tad remorseful for not taking on the advice you’re offered.

Kinda yeah. I do try to follow the advice, believe me it's so hard when you don't think you deserve to get better. 

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50 minutes ago, lily17 said:

it's so hard when you don't think you deserve to get better. 

That's because that's what you tell yourself in your head.  You probably think things like "I don't deserve to get better because I'm an evil, sick person"....that shows that you don't yet accept that this is OCD and that it's you.  Again, it's back to accepting the advice that's been given by your therapist and those of us here.  Yes, it may feel doubtful to you but to start you have to accept the probability that what we say is true.  Whichever way you throw it, the book always comes back to you to make that first step....even with the doubts.

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