Really tempted to quit my job

[robbiec87]

Long story which has been covered in a couple other topics. 

This year has quite frankly been chaotic. It's been the worst ever and I've had some bad years! I've been in the clutches of HOCD for about 5 months now. I had it a long time ago but somehow just overcome it. I don't want another battle against this. I'm 30, single and time is running out. I haven't got the energy to find out who I am again at this point in my life.

Earlier this year, when me and my ex were imitate I used to get aroused just by touching her. Now she isn't around, I have HOCD again and life is empty. How can my brain do this to me?

I feel like every time I go to work it's just working for nothing. Yes I get paid but I feel nothing. I am numb. I want to feel like an old version of myself for least for a small period of time. It would be nice. 

The most precious things in my life have been taken away from me this year and I don't want to battle anymore, I'm tired of fighting. 

I want to hide, I don't want to go to work tonight. I've only just returned to work after seven weeks off sick. I went back on 30th October then had a week off holiday for my 30th two weeks later. I was supposed to go back last night but I text them I'm not coming in. They want to get rid of me which is fair enough. I don't want the job anymore. I'm sick of just going to work because I have to. Just to feel nothing. Why should I power through? What is the end goal? 

I'm sick of fighting. I've had this disorder for 10 years and I see no way out. 

What can I do?

Edited November 21, 2017 by robbiec87

[Angst]

‘I’m sick of just going to work because Ihave to.’ One of my core beliefs which fuels my OCD is poverty and destitution. I used to volunteer to work with the homeless which I think fuelled my fears. It can easily happen. If you had sufficient money not to work what would you do? Work out what you you do then implement a plan to achieve it?

[robbiec87]

I have savings. What would I do? Probably give them to my Mum. If I had any bravery then I'd be dead now. 

There is no easy way out this time. This is the end. 

[Lish]

Have you had any help for this??

[robbiec87]

I'm on the never ending waiting list for CBT. I should go private really but it's £65 a pop.

[JennieWren]

1 hour ago, robbiec87 said:

I'm sick of fighting. I've had this disorder for 10 years and I see no way out.

I feel the same way deep down. I've had this illness since childhood in some form and I'm 37 now. My life is more stable so I'm not going through exactly the same but I do understand. it feels very relentless and I'm so tired, but don't throw in the towel.

If your job isn't right for you for other reasons, fair enough. But if you are throwing the whole world away, then it's a sign that you need to start doing the opposite and reach out for more support.

Do your friends and family know what you are going through? Have you told anyone off this forum the truth?

[PolarBear]

OCD is only a life sentence if you let it be. We know how people can get better. Books have been written about it. Thousands of therapists around the world teach it to clients. We talk about it endlessly on this forum. It's called CBT and it really does work if you put the effort behind it.

You don't have to wait until you have a therapist to start changing the way you think and behave. You can start making changes right now that will get you on the road to recovery.

I guarantee you are doing all the wrong things right now, have been for some time, and that's why you feel numb. You're chasing your tail and it's not working. So do something different. We can support you but you have to put in the effort.

First, above all else, is stop the fatalistic talk about no way out of this, life should end, etc. That's not doing you any good. I know it may seem like that right now but it's not true and it's all a state of mind that you can change by starting to stop this negative talk.

[OceanDweller]

15 minutes ago, robbiec87 said:

I'm on the never ending waiting list for CBT. I should go private really but it's £65 a pop.

Hi robbie. If you have savings and access to private CBT then surely it’s a no-brainer. Is the £65-a-session therapist experienced in treating OCD?

[robbiec87]

11 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

I feel the same way deep down. I've had this illness since childhood in some form and I'm 37 now. My life is more stable so I'm not going through exactly the same but I do understand. it feels very relentless and I'm so tired, but don't throw in the towel.

If your job isn't right for you for other reasons, fair enough. But if you are throwing the whole world away, then it's a sign that you need to start doing the opposite and reach out for more support.

Do your friends and family know what you are going through? Have you told anyone off this forum the truth?

It's not even about the job, I'm working for nothing. Like I go there and that's it. I'm not working for myself. In January I got told I was partly responsible for bringing a new life into the world. That was taken away from me in March. 

A lot happened since then and now I can't even find any women attractive because my brain is so mashed over OCD.

Mum knows but doesn't understand, she tries to but I think she prefer my OCD not to be there.

Edited November 21, 2017 by robbiec87

[robbiec87]

4 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi robbie. If you have savings and access to private CBT then surely it’s a no-brainer. Is the £65-a-session therapist experienced in treating OCD?

Good point I suppose. 

Just scared this won't go away this time. 

[Lish]

I would go private if you've got enough savings. Where I am it's only a 6 week waiting list at the moment for CBT. However you have to remember your mental health comes first so why not try private care?

I know it's hard but you have to try and do the opposite of what the OCD wants you to do. I had this theme as well as every other and now if I have a thought I just say yup maybe I am gay, or yup maybe I am a danger. And I get on with my day.

Have you thought of looking in to some self help books whilst you wait?

[OceanDweller]

6 minutes ago, robbiec87 said:

Good point I suppose. 

Just scared this won't go away this time. 

It likely won’t go away without a concerted effort on your part robbie. I imagine making an appointment with the therapist will probably make you feel slightly less hopeless. Go for it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[robbiec87]

27 minutes ago, Lish said:

I would go private if you've got enough savings. Where I am it's only a 6 week waiting list at the moment for CBT. However you have to remember your mental health comes first so why not try private care?

I know it's hard but you have to try and do the opposite of what the OCD wants you to do. I had this theme as well as every other and now if I have a thought I just say yup maybe I am gay, or yup maybe I am a danger. And I get on with my day.

Have you thought of looking in to some self help books whilst you wait?

What area are you from? I'm from Cheshire. 

My screening for CBT was 25th July, lol. I have a book on Mindfulness but never really got into that.

Edited November 21, 2017 by robbiec87

[robbiec87]

3 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

It likely won’t go away without a concerted effort on your part robbie. I imagine making an appointment with the therapist will probably make you feel slightly less hopeless. Go for it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

True and I do realise that. I really do. I just am sick of fighting this. It's been a long few years. 

I'd genuinely have cancer ten times over in a row than OCD. Seriously.

 

[Ashley]

 

1 hour ago, robbiec87 said:

I'm sick of fighting. I've had this disorder for 10 years and I see no way out. 

Firstly in your post you talk about HOCD, be clear you don't have HOCD, you have OCD and in order to get better we need to deal with the OCD part not the H part.   So focus on getting better from OCD, because remember there is no such thing as HOCD.

Look I get the feeling of believing there is no way out, but talking about quitting your job what is that going to achieve, other than to leave you with less money?   The OCD will still be there, more than likely the OCD will be worse the more time you have on your hand.

You ask what can you do, surely you should be asking yourself that?  No matter how bad OCD gets, we all have a duty to try and do something positive to improve our situation... if that doesn't work, try something else.   Someday's it may help, other days it may not.

So Robbie, what are you going to do to help yourself?

[Ashley]

2 minutes ago, robbiec87 said:

I'd genuinely have cancer ten times over in a row than OCD. Seriously.

 

 

What an absolutely stupid thing to say.  How is that going to help?

 

[robbiec87]

2 minutes ago, Ashley said:

 

What an absolutely stupid thing to say.  How is that going to help?

 

How I feel tbf.

I'd rather have a physical illness than a mental one. If that is offensive then fair enough. Delete if you want.

Edited November 21, 2017 by robbiec87

[Lish]

@robbiec87 I'm from Nottingham. I rang up today for more CBT and they said it would be 6 weeks and asked which centre I would like to go to. 

Have you tried maybe applying acceptance to your thoughts? Anxiety loves nothing but a good battle. If you just accept thoughts for what they are and get on with you day they will fizzle away.

It sounds like you don't enjoy your job as it feels like you don't have a purpose? Have you got any interests you could take up?

[robbiec87]

3 minutes ago, Lish said:

@robbiec87 I'm from Nottingham. I rang up today for more CBT and they said it would be 6 weeks and asked which centre I would like to go to. 

Have you tried maybe applying acceptance to your thoughts? Anxiety loves nothing but a good battle. If you just accept thoughts for what they are and get on with you day they will fizzle away.

It sounds like you don't enjoy your job as it feels like you don't have a purpose? Have you got any interests you could take up?

That's fair enough. I have tried yeah but I do stupidly try and fight them sometimes as I thought I got over that theme a long time ago. 

Ermm not really, no academic qualifications that will get me anywhere. It's a tough one.

[robbiec87]

6 minutes ago, Ashley said:

 

Firstly in your post you talk about HOCD, be clear you don't have HOCD, you have OCD and in order to get better we need to deal with the OCD part not the H part.   So focus on getting better from OCD, because remember there is no such thing as HOCD.

Look I get the feeling of believing there is no way out, but talking about quitting your job what is that going to achieve, other than to leave you with less money?   The OCD will still be there, more than likely the OCD will be worse the more time you have on your hand.

You ask what can you do, surely you should be asking yourself that?  No matter how bad OCD gets, we all have a duty to try and do something positive to improve our situation... if that doesn't work, try something else.   Someday's it may help, other days it may not.

So Robbie, what are you going to do to help yourself?

We do have a duty yes but to who? Ourselves? 

[Ashley]

6 minutes ago, robbiec87 said:

How I feel tbf.

I'd rather have a physical illness than a mental one. If that is offensive then fair enough. Delete if you want.

It's offensive to everyone currently fighting cancer... of which one of those people is one of our users, so I am not sure how she would feel reading that. But that's not the point, the fact you think that is more the concern.

 

Just now, robbiec87 said:

We do have a duty yes but to who? Ourselves? 

Of course to ourselves. 

Right now this is an entire thread of you wallowing (which is understandable sometimes), but you don't appear to have picked up on any of the positive suggestions offered by other users.   Fine, maybe those suggestions don't work for you, but like I said above at some point you need to ask yourself, what can I do to feel better or get better.

 

[Lish]

Fighting them does actually make them worse you know. If you don't give it what it wants then it will back off. You don't have to answer any questions that your mind is asking you! There are no rules!

And what now? You say you're 30 is that correct? What's stopping you from finding a passion in life? A hobby? Do a course? Find yourself, find a purpose? It sounds like your mind doesn't know what to do with itself. 

May I also recommend an excellent book. Pulling the trigger by ADAM Shaw is fab. Really explains the acceptance part of ocd. He was once a suicidal man who is now fully recovered.

[Ashley]

9 minutes ago, robbiec87 said:

Ermm not really, no academic qualifications that will get me anywhere

Neither did I, I left school at 16... well 15 (I stopped going in the last year).   But in every job I have made things happen by working harder than people with qualifications coming out their ears. In one career I didn't have a relevant work history so I joined the company I had targeted, in a job I didn't want within the company which I did for a few months with a view to transferring internally once foot in the door, which is what I did.

It's never too late.

[Lish]

I'm currently doing a course in CBT believe it or not!!! In order to become a life coach some day. Even though I am dealing with OCD myself I know one day I will come through it.

[robbiec87]

1 minute ago, Ashley said:

It's offensive to everyone currently fighting cancer... of which one of those people is one of our users, so I am not sure how she would feel reading that. But that's not the point, the fact you think that is more the concern.

 

Of course to ourselves. 

Right now this is an entire thread of you wallowing (which is understandable sometimes), but you don't appear to have picked up on any of the positive suggestions offered by other users.   Fine, maybe those suggestions don't work for you, but like I said above at some point you need to ask yourself, what can I do to feel better or get better.

 

I'm just citing an example, I don't mean offence. It's not what I'm about. I can have no filter sometimes. I apologise.

And you're right. But it is hard to pick yourself up after getting beat down so many times. 

OCD does kind of feel like being a beaten washed up boxer where the trainer refuses to throw in the towel lol.