I’m a horrible person.

[lily17]

1 minute ago, helen10937 said:

Ok sorry but it gets to me. I see her do it all the time. It puts me off coming here. Sorry I will take a break from the forum

Then don’t read my posts cause your responses trigger me and I’m already feeling like hell.

[Caramoole]

Quote

Ok sorry but it gets to me. I see her do it all the time. It puts me off coming here. Sorry I will take a break from the forum

I think that's probably a good idea for now.  The behaviour and doubt that OCD provokes can seem frustrating.....irritating even, BUT anyone who understands OCD fully or has experienced such absolute doubt can understand why someone reacts this way when in a state of high anxiety.  As you can see, other posts have challenged Lily's reactions but it has been done in a way that may challenge her to think and look at things differently without being openly rude.  It's just not fair Helen.

[helen10937]

I'm not going to reply to her posts anymore

[OceanDweller]

Try to get some rest Lily. You’re not a criminal. You’re an OCD sufferer. You don’t belong in jail. You belong on this forum. With your pals. We’ll get there together. Eventually...

[lily17]

16 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Try to get some rest Lily. You’re not a criminal. You’re an OCD sufferer. You don’t belong in jail. You belong on this forum. With your pals. We’ll get there together. Eventually...

Thank you so much, OD. I could feel your love, support and comprehension through your post, it made me cry to read that I belong on this forum, it feels good. I’ll listen to some relaxing music to try to ease my body and mind... thank you, really.

Edited November 26, 2017 by lily17

[paradoxer]

1 hour ago, PhilM said:

I'm not a horrible person Paradoxer as are people with OCD. Strange post with respect and some confusion

 It's very common for sufferers of OCD to feel like they're the worst person in the world. From a cognitive point of view, trying to be the opposite - a 'good' person - is bound to fail, since no one is perfect, everyone has done things they're ashamed of - lied, stolen, not told the truth, compromised themselves etc. OCD will randomly pick up on things. It's the principle of taking the opposite approach with OCD - if we're all horrible (it's a simplified laying it on thick reference to just being human), no one is.  

[PolarBear]

Lily you have to break this cycle you are stuck in. Every day, sometimes more than once, you get an intrusive thought that goes along with touching someone. You freak out. You come here and explain what happened. You tell us youre a bad person. Someone, wrongly, offers you reassurance. You calm down. This has been going on for weeks now. It has to stop.

People have to stop giving you reassurance. You have to put the brakes on your compulsions, starting with coming here and telling us about every intrusive thought you have.

If you don't change what you are doing, this is going to happen repeatedly.

Edited November 27, 2017 by PolarBear

[Maturin]

Maby it's not a good idee or your doing it already. But do you read other people topics on this board? Thinking over what be your advice to them? Doing this would perhaps give you a more distant view on ocd. Perhaps by understanding others you can learn to understand yourself. Completly of topic but I see your from Spain. A long time ago we went there and the first view on the lovely bay of La Escala made me fall in love with Spain and later other country's around the Medditarian see

 

Edited November 27, 2017 by Maturin

[St Mike]

Lily, you need to note, what you are doing is perpetuating the intrusive thought - compulsion cycle. You need to change the way you react to the instrusive thoughts.

Before you start freaking out and come running to the forum to pen details of your intrusive thoughts and seeking reassurance, slow down and calm down for a while first. You should know by now, the pattern of events, how one thing leads to the other.  

Try your best not to engage with them and gently refocus your attention to the present, whatever you are doing. If that is too difficult, then you can perhaps do the relabeling of those thoughts e.g. "oh here comes those silly OCD thoughts,  they are the mental chaff my OCD affected brain is producing, not worthy of my attention, I'm not going to waste my time with them, I'm going to carry on with my day and the stuff I need to do."

Though this is more of a stop-gap measure, and you need to eventually not give intrusive thoughts any more significance than anyother thought, it can be helpful in reducing compulsions especially for those newly afflicted with OCD in my opinion.

[lily17]

12 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Lily you have to break this cycle you are stuck in. Every day, sometimes more than once, you get an intrusive thought that goes along with touching someone. You freak out. You come here and explain what happened. You tell us youre a bad person. Someone, wrongly, offers you reassurance. You calm down. This has been going on for weeks now. It has to stop.

People have to stop giving you reassurance. You have to put the brakes on your compulsions, starting with coming here and telling us about every intrusive thought you have.

If you don't change what you are doing, this is going to happen repeatedly.

No one gives me reassurance anymore and I understand but still I have to come here and vent. It’s too powerful now to still believe it’s everything that I’ve done, OCD. Not understanding why I had to touch my sister again with my laptop when I got that thought... damn it. I deserve this. I deserve to be stuck and suffering.

Edited November 27, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

11 hours ago, Maturin said:

Maby it's not a good idee or your doing it already. But do you read other people topics on this board? Thinking over what be your advice to them? Doing this would perhaps give you a more distant view on ocd. Perhaps by understanding others you can learn to understand yourself. Completly of topic but I see your from Spain. A long time ago we went there and the first view on the lovely bay of La Escala made me fall in love with Spain and later other country's around the Medditarian see

 

Yes, sometimes I do read them. I’ve even replied to a few. I’ve been told I’m helpful but... I just don’t believe it. 

I had to look that up, didn’t know where La Escala was but I’m glad you liked it here  

[lily17]

8 hours ago, St Mike said:

Lily, you need to note, what you are doing is perpetuating the intrusive thought - compulsion cycle. You need to change the way you react to the instrusive thoughts.

Before you start freaking out and come running to the forum to pen details of your intrusive thoughts and seeking reassurance, slow down and calm down for a while first. You should know by now, the pattern of events, how one thing leads to the other.  

Try your best not to engage with them and gently refocus your attention to the present, whatever you are doing. If that is too difficult, then you can perhaps do the relabeling of those thoughts e.g. "oh here comes those silly OCD thoughts,  they are the mental chaff my OCD affected brain is producing, not worthy of my attention, I'm not going to waste my time with them, I'm going to carry on with my day and the stuff I need to do."

Though this is more of a stop-gap measure, and you need to eventually not give intrusive thoughts any more significance than anyother thought, it can be helpful in reducing compulsions especially for those newly afflicted with OCD in my opinion.

Believe me that I’ve done all of that but I guess not for the right amount of time to stick with me and actually change my behaviour. Right now I don’t feel like doing anything... I should cut myself some slack and turn over the page but to be honest, I don’t feel like I deserve anything anymore.

[Caramoole]

55 minutes ago, lily17 said:

but still I have to come here and vent

It depends how you vent Lily.  Letting off steam, asking for help is okay but using the forum to carry out compulsions (repeatedly writing down every incident in detail) isn't fine and I am very close to removing those posts that are simply compulsions

54 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Believe me that I’ve done all of that but I guess not for the right amount of time

You've really got to stick at it Lily....not just for an hour or so but repeatedly....and it will be very hard, scary but at some stage you'll have to start this process. It's the things you are doing that are keeping you so stuck.  I spoke to you a few weeks ago about being ready for these thoughts so that you expect them, so that they don't shock you and knock you off your feet.  They are still catching you out every time.  I'm not saying that the thoughts aren't nice or that they won't scare you but you can learn to recognise them and work through that first hit of anxiety.  At the moment you're still treating every thought like the first time.  You have to dig deep and find the courage to take the advice on board

[PhilM]

I agree with Caramoole and reiterate that nobody wants you to suffer from this condition unnecessarily when there is so much great advice and help available.

[Maturin]

52 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Yes, sometimes I do read them. I’ve even replied to a few. I’ve been told I’m helpful but... I just don’t believe it. 

I had to look that up, didn’t know where La Escala was but I’m glad you liked it here  

 

1 hour ago, lily17 said:

Yes, sometimes I do read them. I’ve even replied to a few. I’ve been told I’m helpful but... I just don’t believe it. 

I had to look that up, didn’t know where La Escala was but I’m glad you liked it here  

Thanks for looking La Escala up! Yes I like your country. It had so many fine things to offer. The food, the sun, the sea landscape, flamenco, the people etc. I booked a ticket for a week in january to Tenerife. Ever been there? Sorry for beeing off topic. I'm not very helpfull with your ocd problem. But listen to all the advice you're getting. Plant them as seeds in your mind. Think about the good things you have and do everyday. Even doing the disches counts

 

[lily17]

6 hours ago, Caramoole said:

It depends how you vent Lily.  Letting off steam, asking for help is okay but using the forum to carry out compulsions (repeatedly writing down every incident in detail) isn't fine and I am very close to removing those posts that are simply compulsions

You've really got to stick at it Lily....not just for an hour or so but repeatedly....and it will be very hard, scary but at some stage you'll have to start this process. It's the things you are doing that are keeping you so stuck.  I spoke to you a few weeks ago about being ready for these thoughts so that you expect them, so that they don't shock you and knock you off your feet.  They are still catching you out every time.  I'm not saying that the thoughts aren't nice or that they won't scare you but you can learn to recognise them and work through that first hit of anxiety.  At the moment you're still treating every thought like the first time.  You have to dig deep and find the courage to take the advice on board

It’s what I’m trying but I can’t. For example, I can’t touch my dog if I don’t think “it’s not for sexual reasons” then my mind tells me do this movement for sexual reasons and I do it and I cry because I don’t like it... Argh it’s too hard for me to win!  

[lily17]

6 hours ago, PhilM said:

I agree with Caramoole and reiterate that nobody wants you to suffer from this condition unnecessarily when there is so much great advice and help available.

Thank you Phil.

[lily17]

6 hours ago, Maturin said:

 

Thanks for looking La Escala up! Yes I like your country. It had so many fine things to offer. The food, the sun, the sea landscape, flamenco, the people etc. I booked a ticket for a week in january to Tenerife. Ever been there? Sorry for beeing off topic. I'm not very helpfull with your ocd problem. But listen to all the advice you're getting. Plant them as seeds in your mind. Think about the good things you have and do everyday. Even doing the disches counts

 

No prob! It helped me to switch the topic. I generally like my country just for the gastronomy and some places but I would like to live in the UK tbh. 

[lily17]

I’m really worried. I believe that I didn’t do anything to pleasure myself but my mind’s making me believe it  what’s the truth? 

[JennieWren]

I just wanted to say hello and that I'm thinking of you. I believe you belong on this forum. You have given me some very excellent advice when I was feeling very low, I wish you could connect with the strength and wisdom you offered me, and offer it to yourself.

i hope you are talking to someone about your desperate thoughts. Even if you have no intention of harming yourself, please tell someone you trust, please tell your therapist how low you are feeling. It sounds like maybe you need more support and help. We can offer advice and moral support, and our friendship. But we are not with you, what any forum can offer has its limitations when a person is in crisis.

big hugs. 

[lily17]

4 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

I just wanted to say hello and that I'm thinking of you. I believe you belong on this forum. You have given me some very excellent advice when I was feeling very low, I wish you could connect with the strength and wisdom you offered me, and offer it to yourself.

i hope you are talking to someone about your desperate thoughts. Even if you have no intention of harming yourself, please tell someone you trust, please tell your therapist how low you are feeling. It sounds like maybe you need more support and help. We can offer advice and moral support, and our friendship. But we are not with you, what any forum can offer has its limitations when a person is in crisis.

big hugs. 

Hi Jennie! Thank you so much hun, I hope you’re doing just well  tomorrow I’m meeting my psychiatrist and on Wednesday, my therapist so double appointment! I feel bad because my mum will have to pay double but well... I need it. I’m really not doing okay and I’ve told them all, meds doesn’t seem to fully work with me and I’ve had my dose doubled twice... so maybe I’ll get new ones. Best wishes for you and big hugs!  

[JennieWren]

I'm sure your mum would think it is very very worth it! It sounds like you are doing the right things. Well done Lily. Being honest takes bravery. 

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, lily17 said:

It’s what I’m trying but I can’t. For example, I can’t touch my dog if I don’t think “it’s not for sexual reasons” then my mind tells me do this movement for sexual reasons and I do it and I cry because I don’t like it... Argh it’s too hard for me to win!  

Yes you can Lily.  The truth in what you state is "I don't like it"  None of us do, it's hard, it's scary, it's horrid but we have to survive those feelings we'd rather run from and do it, work through the anxiety.  To get better it is something you'll eventually have to do.

I've hidden your earlier post because I don't feel it's helping you to use the forum to carry out compulsions.

Come on Lily, let's see your plan for how you're going to change your reaction when the intrusions strike

[lily17]

43 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Yes you can Lily.  The truth in what you state is "I don't like it"  None of us do, it's hard, it's scary, it's horrid but we have to survive those feelings we'd rather run from and do it, work through the anxiety.  To get better it is something you'll eventually have to do.

I've hidden your earlier post because I don't feel it's helping you to use the forum to carry out compulsions.

Come on Lily, let's see your plan for how you're going to change your reaction when the intrusions strike

It’s like now I believe I’ve done something wrong to my dog... when in fact I haven’t. I didn’t molest him or anything horrid like that I love him way too much to do that... I have to forget about this and not ruminate. At least now I can touch him. And do other simple things, like going to the bathroom and just laying in bed, I can dismiss those thoughts, I say “this is garbage, I don’t care about you, OCD” and don’t pay attention. Little by little.

[Maturin]

3 hours ago, lily17 said:

No prob! It helped me to switch the topic. I generally like my country just for the gastronomy and some places but I would like to live in the UK tbh. 

It's good to have something you would like to do in the future. Why the UK? I've never been there but of course I love the British humor. And writers! But the climate.... eh oh  I think the most difficult thing with ocd is: it feels so real. Somewhere in the process it turns many things upside down. Sometimes when I'm so burned out by bad thoughts I start to get very angry. Ocd is IMO a sad bully but with a powerfull voice. Able to overwhelm us. But it's bluffing, it can't prove a thing. Doubt is it's playground. It likes see you running in a circle chasing your own tail. But you can learn to stop running and turn around to face your fear. It's scary but in the end you will see those fears for what they are. Of course use all the tools you can find. Therapy, healthy thinking maybe proper medication. And unfortunatly patience.