Is this normal?

[Avo]

Hi All,

I was looking for a bit of advice please over what is 'normal' in the following scenario.

My son was cuddling up to me earlier today and his hand rested a couple of inches from my private parts. I panicked as i often do when he cuddles me as kids hands can tend to wander as they wriggle to get comfy he often asks can he sit on my knee.

Anyway i had a dilemma in trying to decide if his hand was 'too close' to my private parts as to be inappropriate, do i make him move his hand or allow him to keep it there? In the end i didn't get him to move it, and he re-adjusted himself anyway after a minute or so while i was fretting over this.

In the past i have got him to move his hand if i feel it's 'too close' to my private parts

For people without this theme of OCD what would you do in this situation?. There are a few things i struggle with as to what is normal. this type of thing is one of them.

My therapist has talked about possibly getting an opinion on certain matters/situations that i struggle with from a cross section of people, to give me an idea of what is 'normal' we have however not yet got round to this .

Thank you

[taurean]

It's only you Avo giving meaning to this situation, because of your OCD issue with it. 

 

 

[Emsie]

Hi Avo, 

I agree with Roy, and in that situation I would do nothing. You did really well not getting him to move his hand.

Best wishes,

Em 

[Bodger]

I would do nothing. It's perfectly normal, as you said kids hands wander, and he wasn't touching you inappropriately.

[Avo]

Hello Taurean, Emsie and Bodger

Thank you all for your feedback, i appreciate the time you have taken to reply to me. I find it hard to see the woods for the trees sometimes but i suppose that's what OCD can do to you, if you let it.

Thank you all once again

Avo

[lostinme]

I totally agree with the other posts Avo 

Well done for resisting the temptation to move his hand you did really well 

[JennieWren]

I had/have intrusive thoughts about sexually abusing my daughter. She is now 5. It was horrendous for a while and felt very real. 

I can now have a bath with her and cuddles where she lies completely on top of me. I can also let her kiss me on the lips about a gazillion times as she likes to do. 

What helped me was teaching her normal appropriate boundaries and then ignoring all other things. So if her hand is near a private area I ignore it, if she tries to stick her fingers deliberately somewhere private to me I explain that is not appropriate. I don't over react. She has only deliberately done that once or twice to see how I would react. Out of mischief really. If she had her hand right on my privates for a length of time I'd probably move it but I'm ok with that.

as a baby I bathed her and washed her bum/changed her as normal. If I had an intrusive thought or even a groinal response I learned to ignore it. And carried on as normal. No avoidance! This was tricky as I tended to become very distressed and disassociate and go into shock.

I still get intrusive thoughts about abusing her and the occasional groinal response but I ignore it and do not change my behaviour in any way. I allow her to be more personal with my body than I ever thought possible. I took the leap of faith and I'm happy to say I never harmed her and it made the thoughts go away. Or maybe less noticed. Good luck. 

[JennieWren]

I just need to work on my other obsessions now! 

[Bodger]

1 hour ago, JennieWren said:

I had/have intrusive thoughts about sexually abusing my daughter. She is now 5. It was horrendous for a while and felt very real. 

I can now have a bath with her and cuddles where she lies completely on top of me. I can also let her kiss me on the lips about a gazillion times as she likes to do. 

What helped me was teaching her normal appropriate boundaries and then ignoring all other things. So if her hand is near a private area I ignore it, if she tries to stick her fingers deliberately somewhere private to me I explain that is not appropriate. I don't over react. She has only deliberately done that once or twice to see how I would react. Out of mischief really. If she had her hand right on my privates for a length of time I'd probably move it but I'm ok with that.

as a baby I bathed her and washed her bum/changed her as normal. If I had an intrusive thought or even a groinal response I learned to ignore it. And carried on as normal. No avoidance! This was tricky as I tended to become very distressed and disassociate and go into shock.

I still get intrusive thoughts about abusing her and the occasional groinal response but I ignore it and do not change my behaviour in any way. I allow her to be more personal with my body than I ever thought possible. I took the leap of faith and I'm happy to say I never harmed her and it made the thoughts go away. Or maybe less noticed. Good luck. 

I think you have dealt with that perfect!!!! You must feel really good and proud of where you are at.

Edited December 3, 2017 by Bodger

[Avo]

Thank you for your feedback lost, its nice to think I maybe did the right thing.

Hi Jenniewren

Thank you for the  explanation, it sounds like you have had very similar issues to me. I have avoided a lot of contact with my son, I have avoided a lot of bath times and been on hyper alert when in close proximity to him. Worried about looking at him naked - should I look or should I avert my eyes if I look at his private parts surely that means I am what I fear, a P? why did I look? cant even bring myself to type the word.  - Groinal responses have been an issues too. and still are at times. 

Lots of re-assurance seeking from my wife over the years. I have come along way but am struggling with a few final things. I admire the way you have dealt with things jenniewren. I hope to get to the stage your at. 

Thanks for replying I have found it really helpful. Good luck with work on your other obsessions. 

Thanks again

Avo

 

[JennieWren]

Well don't be too impressed. My OCD then flipped onto suspecting my husband of harm. This was worse as I can't control him or know what he's doing 100% of the time. I am only now at a point of trust. For that I basically had to say "yes he's doing .... never mind". This mistrust was really bad for a couple of years and he needs therapy to talk about it. Very sad and disheartening. BUT by persevering for literally years I feel I am getting somewhere now.

This forum is very inspirational to me and I hope to make some more improvements over the next year.

[JennieWren]

29 minutes ago, Avo said:

why did I look?

I have looked at my daughters bits and had what felt like real sexual responses and thoughts. However if I make no challenge to this and allow it, it disappears. Because really I have no interest in harming her. And over time these thoughts and feelings have mostly gone.

Don't be afraid of this happening to you. Don't be afraid of looking. Whatever comes into your head, groinal response whatever, it doesn't matter. Its upsetting until you realise it's all a load of OCD rubbish. It doesn't mean you are a paedophile. The more you resist these meaningless thoughts and feelings the more you will generate. I hope your partner understands all of this so you could be supported if you decided to gradually try this? Maybe you are already- it sounds like you know what you are doing.

I don't mean looking to test your thoughts btw. I mean acknowledging that whatever your mind and body come up with, it's complete rubbish. You can ignore it and love your son. 

[Avo]

Hi Jennie, I am still impressed with your achievements I think you should be proud of yourself. 

I am sorry the OCD then jumped onto your husband. It has a habit of changing tack when you feel like your getting to grips with it. I am sorry it caused such issues. Did your Husband and therapist have an understanding that it was OCD at work with you?

I can relate as it's caused a lot of issues in my marriage, my wife when I first started displaying OCD symptoms (very early 2000's) was concerned as at first we both didn't realise what was wrong with me especially around the theme we have been discussing.  I had a lot of very tough years and still struggle at times now. 

I agree this forum is very inspirational and I have learnt a lot from fellow sufferers on here. This charity in general deserves a lot of credit.

 

[Avo]

5 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

I have looked at my daughters bits and had what felt like real sexual responses and thoughts. However if I make no challenge to this and allow it, it disappears. Because really I have no interest in harming her. And over time these thoughts and feelings have mostly gone.

Don't be afraid of this happening to you. Don't be afraid of looking. Whatever comes into your head, groinal response whatever, it doesn't matter. Its upsetting until you realise it's all a load of OCD rubbish. It doesn't mean you are a paedophile. The more you resist these meaningless thoughts and feelings the more you will generate. I hope your partner understands all of this so you could be supported if you decided to gradually try this? Maybe you are already- it sounds like you know what you are doing.

I don't mean looking to test your thoughts btw. I mean acknowledging that whatever your mind and body come up with, it's complete rubbish. You can ignore it and love your son. 

Thanks Jennie, it does sound very similar to me. 

My wife has been very supportive thankfully but it has been very hard at times especially when we didn't realise it was OCD, I kept seeming to be side tracked by topics that would leave me floored and in a state of what is happening to me? why am I going through all this? I have struggled a lot of the years and have been very miserable indeed with a variety of themes. 

In the early years I was annoyed with myself thinking why can't I just pull myself together? why does my wife seem to be not as weighed down with random worries?  what is wrong with me?

I am more at peace now but not there yet. 

Thanks again.

Avo

[JennieWren]

That was the lowest time for me too when I didn't know what was wrong with me. When I got a OCD diagnosis it was a real turning point. Still have bad days but not feeling in crisis all the time anymore. 

Of course I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone else, but someone like yourself sharing almost the exact kind of symptoms, makes such a difference to me. You may have written for support, but by sharing your difficulties you have given me a gift. That I am not alone. And it's not my fault. I still struggle with that despite my successes.

[taurean]

I count my lucky stars every day that I found the charity, and these forums, five years ago