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lily17

Sexual Reasons...

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My sister came in to my room to ask me to do something for her on my laptop and I was like sure. We were shoulder to shoulder and I briefly touched her on her shoulder but I asked her 'did I touch you?' and she said 'no' but I believe that I've touched her and with sexual reasons. Then I went to check if I could touch her from that position and I think I touched her again. This didn't even satisfy me sexually or at all. I don't feel sexual attraction towards her... it's all anxiety and ****. I'm so anxious right now I don't deserve to live. Like it feels so damn real and I can't take it anymore. I've tried, several times but I can't. I can't.

I really don't know which part of her body did I touch, she was standing next to me and I was lying on my bed actually so it could've been her belly or it could've been her chest. WHAT IF IT WAS HER CHEST????

I'm really losing my mind.

Edited by lily17

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When she entered my room I gotta say that I was scared of what could happen... I shouldn't have let her in :crybaby:

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23 minutes ago, lily17 said:

WHAT IF IT WAS HER CHEST????

What if? Life goes on despite that. The more you try to figure out what exactly happened, the worse it will get. Do you see the pattern you're stuck in?

You have to accept the thought.

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Just now, ohwhyhello said:

What if? Life goes on despite that. The more you try to figure out what exactly happened, the worse it will get. Do you see the pattern you're stuck in?

You have to accept the thought.

I can see it but at the same time can't get out of it. Like I'm sure I didn't think ''let's do this to sexually please' I would never but...

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Just now, lily17 said:

I can see it but at the same time can't get out of it. Like I'm sure I didn't think ''let's do this to sexually please' I would never but...

Of course you can. Plenty of people have done it. What makes you so different?

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Just now, ohwhyhello said:

Of course you can. Plenty of people have done it. What makes you so different?

That I''m weak and dumb cause I always fall for it

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Just now, lily17 said:

That I''m weak and dumb cause I always fall for it

So just to be clear, you think you are weaker and dumber than anyone who has beaten OCD? I don't know where you live, but I come across a new idiot daily.

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1 minute ago, ohwhyhello said:

So just to be clear, you think you are weaker and dumber than anyone who has beaten OCD? I don't know where you live, but I come across a new idiot daily.

Sorry not sure I understand the last part of this ohwhyhello?

Look, it's frustrating sometimes when people are not able to see the wood for the trees, but sometimes we have to remember where and how we used to feel when OCD was new to us and we were perhaps not so knowledgeable as we are now. I dare say that every single person with OCD as at one time or another felt this way and that they were weak because they were unable to stand up to OCD.

 

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Hi Ashley: I meant to point out that if other people can do it she can. Meant to be encouraging but I guess that didn’t come across. Ie there are plenty of people who aren’t that smart that have surely done it, so that’s not a good excuse and that she can do it.

Edited by ohwhyhello

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Come on Lily, you know you can do it. Just let the intrusive thoughts be. Don't react to them with checking etc. Try and do something to distract yourself.

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28 minutes ago, lily17 said:

That I''m weak and dumb cause I always fall for it

You're far from weak and dumb Lily! You just suffer from an anxiety disorder like the rest of us, it's tough, we all fall down at some point. I know I do, again and again, And it frustrates me everytime but I don't beat myself up, I just remember for next time, that's all I can do! Keep it up! Remember it's just a silly obsession no matter what!

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Lily, given what has been said to you over the last couple of months, what made you start a new thread with the same worries?  What should you be trying to do?

38 minutes ago, Ashley said:

it's frustrating sometimes when people are not able to see the wood for the trees, but sometimes we have to remember where and how we used to feel when OCD was new to us and we were perhaps not so knowledgeable as we are now

Whilst I agree with that to an extent, there is a point where someone can "see" but don't use the map because they don't like the feelings of anxiety.  Unless you're extremely fortunate you won't get further forward without experiencing anxiety.  Lily does have to start putting her new knowledge to use now.  To use the forum in this way isn't helping her to move forward really.

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31 minutes ago, Bodger said:

Come on Lily, you know you can do it. Just let the intrusive thoughts be. Don't react to them with checking etc. Try and do something to distract yourself.

Thank you, Bodger. I'm more relaxed now. I can see it's just the silly thought of always.

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18 minutes ago, HDC said:

You're far from weak and dumb Lily! You just suffer from an anxiety disorder like the rest of us, it's tough, we all fall down at some point. I know I do, again and again, And it frustrates me everytime but I don't beat myself up, I just remember for next time, that's all I can do! Keep it up! Remember it's just a silly obsession no matter what!

Thank you so much HDC, I will make it next time hopefully... I'm going on a trip tomorrow. I really want to enjoy it.  :) 

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3 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Lily, given what has been said to you over the last couple of months, what made you start a new thread with the same worries?  What should you be trying to do?

Whilst I agree with that to an extent, there is a point where someone can "see" but don't use the map because they don't like the feelings of anxiety.  Unless you're extremely fortunate you won't get further forward without experiencing anxiety.  Lily does have to start putting her new knowledge to use now.  To use the forum in this way isn't helping her to move forward really.

Don't know, just being an anxious mess. I'm so sorry.

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Don't know, just being an anxious mess. I'm so sorry.

How do you mean you don't know?  If you stop, breathe and think about what's been said, what your therapist has said, I think you probably do.  I've spoken many times about being ready for this thought, to expect it to happen and although it will still feel horrible.....don't let it catch you out.  When the thought strikes....is it a good idea to react immediately with compulsions, is this helping you to get better? 

Apologies aren't necessary Lily,  I just want you to think through the advice, to have a plan of attack as to how you're going to try and react when these things happen to you.  For things to change, you have to change the reaction :)

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1 hour ago, lily17 said:

My sister came in to my room to ask me to do something for her on my laptop and I was like sure. We were shoulder to shoulder and I briefly touched her on her shoulder (Intrusive thought happens) but I asked her 'did I touch you?' and she said 'no' (Compulsion - Checking, seeking reassurance) but I believe that I've touched her and with sexual reasons. (Doubt - Compulsion - Rumination) Then I went to check if I could touch her from that position and I think I touched her again. (Compulsion - Checking) This didn't even satisfy me sexually or at all. I don't feel sexual attraction towards her... it's all anxiety and ****. I'm so anxious right now I don't deserve to live. (Negative self-talk) Like it feels so damn real and I can't take it anymore. I've tried, several times but I can't. I can't. (Negative self-talk)

I really don't know which part of her body did I touch, she was standing next to me and I was lying on my bed actually so it could've been her belly or it could've been her chest. WHAT IF IT WAS HER CHEST???? (Compulsion - Rumination)

Coming to the forum and writing it down in great detail (Compulsion - Written rumination, seeking reassurance)

Can you see the sequence of events and thoughts? 

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33 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

How do you mean you don't know?  If you stop, breathe and think about what's been said, what your therapist has said, I think you probably do.  I've spoken many times about being ready for this thought, to expect it to happen and although it will still feel horrible.....don't let it catch you out.  When the thought strikes....is it a good idea to react immediately with compulsions, is this helping you to get better? 

Apologies aren't necessary Lily,  I just want you to think through the advice, to have a plan of attack as to how you're going to try and react when these things happen to you.  For things to change, you have to change the reaction :)

No, of course it’s not helping. Neither is trying to neutralize it because it only opens more doors for more intrusive thoughts to come in. 

Should I react with saying “this is just OCD ****, calm down” or just don’t say anything? Like a neutral response?

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25 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Coming to the forum and writing it down in great detail (Compulsion - Written rumination, seeking reassurance)

Can you see the sequence of events and thoughts? 

Thank you so much for doing this, Caramoole. It helps a lot to see it like that, maybe I can try to put it like that next time when it happens again. I can clearly see the pattern. 

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11 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Should I react with saying “this is just OCD ****, calm down” or just don’t say anything? Like a neutral response?

It's debatable, I prefer the neutral response......just "knowing" it's OCD, being prepared and expecting it to happen, knowing it will happen, knowing the cause, not being caught out so quickly.  You can think "this is just OCD" but you have to be very careful that this doesn't become a compulsion (self-reassurance & neutralising)

I know it's very difficult Lily.  Perhaps when this happens instead of heading here to the forum, write it in a document instead and see if you can identify the thought sequence and the compulsions for yourself.  We have to learn to recognise compulsions in order to begin the process of eliminating them :)

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24 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It's debatable, I prefer the neutral response......just "knowing" it's OCD, being prepared and expecting it to happen, knowing it will happen, knowing the cause, not being caught out so quickly.  You can think "this is just OCD" but you have to be very careful that this doesn't become a compulsion (self-reassurance & neutralising)

I know it's very difficult Lily.  Perhaps when this happens instead of heading here to the forum, write it in a document instead and see if you can identify the thought sequence and the compulsions for yourself.  We have to learn to recognise compulsions in order to begin the process of eliminating them :)

That was actually one of the tasks my psychologist sent me to complete. But I'm not doing them anymore because she told me it was something voluntary now... perhaps I can do it again because it helps to put things down but at the same time it's kind of a compulsion because I put all the details down... so...

Something happened, my grandma sat on the sofa next to me, looking at my laptop because I was showing her something. I started to feel the anxiety and my breathing was getting out of control, then I was like 'here is the thought' and I started to hyperventile. I wish I kept my breath away because now it feels like I wanted to stimulate my genitalia by doing so... I mean come on, she is my grandma. How can my brain possibly generate this information? I hate OCD.

Edited by lily17

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13 minutes ago, lily17 said:

That was actually one of the tasks my psychologist sent me to complete. But I'm not doing them anymore because she told me it was something voluntary now... perhaps I can do it again because it helps to put things down but at the same time it's kind of a compulsion because I put all the details down... so...

Something happened, my grandma sat on the sofa next to me, looking at my laptop because I was showing her something. I started to feel the anxiety and my breathing was getting out of control, then I was like 'here is the thought' and I started to hyperventile. I wish I kept my breath away because now it feels like I wanted to stimulate my genitalia by doing so... I mean come on, she is my grandma. How can my brain possibly generate this information? I hate OCD.

You just finished telling Caramoole that you would try to NOT come to the forum and give us a detailed explanation of your next intrusive thought and then, bam! You did it anyway with the little story above about your grandma. Do you see what's going on? As soon as you get a new intrusive thought you immediately post on the form, telling us in great detail what happened. Then you talk bad about yourself, you tell us how hopeless it is. You seek reassurance. You get it (unfortunately), then it passes and you tell us you're all better. You are told, repeatedly, that you must stop this cycle. But you just keep doing it.

This behavior is not helping you. It is keeping you stuck. You must take a stand and break the cycle.

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20 minutes ago, Franklin12 said:

Why don’t you do what Caramoole has suggested with your second paragraph and see what you come up with?

I was just trying to say that I tried to treat the thought as it is.

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6 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You just finished telling Caramoole that you would try to NOT come to the forum and give us a detailed explanation of your next intrusive thought and then, bam! You did it anyway with the little story above about your grandma. Do you see what's going on? As soon as you get a new intrusive thought you immediately post on the form, telling us in great detail what happened. Then you talk bad about yourself, you tell us how hopeless it is. You seek reassurance. You get it (unfortunately), then it passes and you tell us you're all better. You are told, repeatedly, that you must stop this cycle. But you just keep doing it.

This behavior is not helping you. It is keeping you stuck. You must take a stand and break the cycle.

My intention wasn't to seek more reassurance but to try and express that I've tried to treat the thought just as the same thought as always...

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