Sexual Reasons...

[PolarBear]

Ah okay. I misunderstood. My apologies then. Next time take the extra step and don't describe in detail what happened. Trust me, we know what types of intrusive thoughts you get. We don't need a play by play.

[lily17]

13 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Ah okay. I misunderstood. My apologies then. Next time take the extra step and don't describe in detail what happened. Trust me, we know what types of intrusive thoughts you get. We don't need a play by play.

Yeah, I need to work on that. It's such a huge compulsion of mine. It's okay, PolarBear. 

[JennieWren]

would it be helpful Lily to start building up your tolerance of anxiety? 

It sounds very hard for you to just sit with the anxiety when youve had an intrusive thought and not do anything about it. And no wonder, we all understand that.

I think sitting with anxiety takes practice, starting gradually. lily have you any practices concerning this? What has your therapist suggested regarding learning to tolerate high levels of anxiety?

has anyone have any good suggestions as to what to do when sheer terror/anxiety/shame/guilt hits and is overwhelming? Because it's the strength of the feelings that make them so hard to resist. They feel so real.

i use loving kindness and mindfullness techniques. What do you use Lily?

[lily17]

10 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

would it be helpful Lily to start building up your tolerance of anxiety? 

It sounds very hard for you to just sit with the anxiety when youve had an intrusive thought and not do anything about it. And no wonder, we all understand that.

I think sitting with anxiety takes practice, starting gradually. lily have you any practices concerning this? What has your therapist suggested regarding learning to tolerate high levels of anxiety?

has anyone have any good suggestions as to what to do when sheer terror/anxiety/shame/guilt hits and is overwhelming? Because it's the strength of the feelings that make them so hard to resist. They feel so real.

i use loving kindness and mindfullness techniques. What do you use Lily?

The first session I had with her, I told her that I’d been told about CBT and how useful it is. I can’t tell if I’m recieving it since I have no idea of what it consists. I will ask her tho what can I do to manage the anxiety when it hits me big time.

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, lily17 said:

what can I do to manage the anxiety when it hits me big time

Don't sit there....do something.  Do something that is physical, it helps with the adrenaline.  But Lily, you're going to have to work at this and not always take the immediate reaction and we can't just keep retyping the same information over and over, it's time for doing now and you will have to learn that anxiety, albeit unpleasant, will not kill you.

I am going to ask you to start on this big compulsion of writing every thought and incident down in minute detail, you really have to try and self-moderate.

[Caramoole]

....or relax....whichever you find most useful

[lily17]

5 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Don't sit there....do something.  Do something that is physical, it helps with the adrenaline.  But Lily, you're going to have to work at this and not always take the immediate reaction and we can't just keep retyping the same information over and over, it's time for doing now and you will have to learn that anxiety, albeit unpleasant, will not kill you.

I am going to ask you to start on this big compulsion of writing every thought and incident down in minute detail, you really have to try and self-moderate.

I’m going on a trip tomorrow, to somewhere in the middle of nature. I’ll take morning walks with my headphones. That always makes me feel good. I’ll try to slow down my compulsions, since I won’t have Wi-Fi, I’ll use that excuse to reduce my incessant posting in here.

[OceanDweller]

8 hours ago, Caramoole said:

you will have to learn that anxiety, albeit unpleasant, will not kill you.

There’s a thread doing the rounds that asks for tips that a new sufferer might find useful. This would be my number one.

[lily17]

.

Edited December 6, 2017 by lily17

[ohwhyhello]

Hey Lily, I'd urge you to go back and read some of the great advice you were offered yesterday!

[lily17]

I was lying on bed crying my eyes out due to OCD and my mum forced me to touch her grabbing my hands and placing them on her face and arms to make me realise it was okay to do it that she is my mum she gave birth to me and more stuff she told me but I was freaking out the whole time, so many thoughts of touching her for sexual reasons and it was true I’ve done it and I was saying “no, no, no”, having a groinal response... I couldn’t breathe due to the anxiety attack... Then I couldn’t stop crying and she ended up telling me there are more important things in the world bigger problems, etc like trying to rest importance to my problem and then she called me weak and fragile I can’t take this anymore this is not asking for reassurance I just don’t know who to talk to that understands this. 

Edited December 6, 2017 by lily17

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, lily17 said:

I just don’t know who to talk to that understands this.

But Lily, you have been talking to people who DO completely understand this for the last couple of months, right here.  You're seeing a therapist who understands....but sadly, there is no magic solution.  There are no magic words, no-one's going to come along with that one nugget of information that is going to make this better.  The explanations are there, the advice is there...and until you start to act on the advice things aren't going to improve at all, indeed it will worsen.  If you rely on compulsions things won't get better.

You have to trust that this is the way forward and start to put the advice into action.  We all know how hard it is for you because we have all experienced that same level of fear and despair.  You can't run from this and you can't hide, you have to to face the fear and gradually take steps to change the situation and your reactions. 

Your Mum was wrong to call you weak and fragile because you're not it's just that it is near impossible for someone who doesn't have OCD to understand how extraordinarliy difficult this is and how very real those doubts feel.  Do you have any of the OCD self-help books?  It would be helpful if your Mum could read one as well as you.

 

[St Mike]

5 hours ago, Caramoole said:

But Lily, you have been talking to people who DO completely understand this for the last couple of months, right here.  You're seeing a therapist who understands....but sadly, there is no magic solution.  There are no magic words, no-one's going to come along with that one nugget of information that is going to make this better.  The explanations are there, the advice is there...and until you start to act on the advice things aren't going to improve at all, indeed it will worsen.  If you rely on compulsions things won't get better.

You have to trust that this is the way forward and start to put the advice into action.  We all know how hard it is for you because we have all experienced that same level of fear and despair.  You can't run from this and you can't hide, you have to to face the fear and gradually take steps to change the situation and your reactions. 

 

Remember Lily, you are also now your own therapist. Your therapist can't be with you 24 hours a day. Once you are more clear headed, tell yourself that you have got to make a change, you don't want to suffer no more and then look at what needs to be done to effect those changes. Do up the plan on how you are going to react when intrusive thoughts strike, as per what Caramoole has mentioned and stick to that plan.

At the same time, learn, read as much about OCD as you can. Knowledge is power and that knowledge can help to understand what OCD is all about and what the methods are, to overcome OCD.

Ask, inquire to learn, seek to know and understand, don't seek reassurance. You can always consult your therapist and/or this forum if you are unsure about something you come across while learning.

Recovery is possible but you need to take responsibility and the necessary steps for it to happen.

 

[lily17]

9 hours ago, Caramoole said:

But Lily, you have been talking to people who DO completely understand this for the last couple of months, right here.  You're seeing a therapist who understands....but sadly, there is no magic solution.  There are no magic words, no-one's going to come along with that one nugget of information that is going to make this better.  The explanations are there, the advice is there...and until you start to act on the advice things aren't going to improve at all, indeed it will worsen.  If you rely on compulsions things won't get better.

You have to trust that this is the way forward and start to put the advice into action.  We all know how hard it is for you because we have all experienced that same level of fear and despair.  You can't run from this and you can't hide, you have to to face the fear and gradually take steps to change the situation and your reactions. 

Your Mum was wrong to call you weak and fragile because you're not it's just that it is near impossible for someone who doesn't have OCD to understand how extraordinarliy difficult this is and how very real those doubts feel.  Do you have any of the OCD self-help books?  It would be helpful if your Mum could read one as well as you.

 

What should I do when something happens to me when I just woke up. I do a movement and it means I’ve done it thinking of her for sexual reasons then I don’t remember exactly how was the movement... this is just so hard I’m going to give up one of these days my mum was spot on I’m too weak. And no, I don’t own any of the self-help books. Besides my mum doesn’t speak English nor she understands a word. 

[lily17]

4 hours ago, St Mike said:

Remember Lily, you are also now your own therapist. Your therapist can't be with you 24 hours a day. Once you are more clear headed, tell yourself that you have got to make a change, you don't want to suffer no more and then look at what needs to be done to effect those changes. Do up the plan on how you are going to react when intrusive thoughts strike, as per what Caramoole has mentioned and stick to that plan.

At the same time, learn, read as much about OCD as you can. Knowledge is power and that knowledge can help to understand what OCD is all about and what the methods are, to overcome OCD.

Ask, inquire to learn, seek to know and understand, don't seek reassurance. You can always consult your therapist and/or this forum if you are unsure about something you come across while learning.

Recovery is possible but you need to take responsibility and the necessary steps for it to happen.

 

I don’t know how to deal with the intrusive thoughts when I’m not completely awake. They strike me and feels real, I do a movement and then everything’s over  I try to repeat the movement to see if I like it, then I don’t remember. I’m desperate and I don’t know if I want to get better it’s like I’m all out of strength.

[lily17]

OCD attacks me when I’m not completely awake in the morning and I just hate it. The ******* feels real. It feels legit. As if I’ve done a terrible thing. I can’t. I can’t.

[JennieWren]

11 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Your Mum was wrong to call you weak and fragile because you're not

Very true. And I think it is extremely common for loved ones to just NOT GET IT. I remember telling mum my worries about my husband abusing my baby and she advised me not to tell ANYONE about it as what I was thinking was so hurtful. She told me I would destroy him. She was wrong and he has helped me get help ever since.

lily everyone here understands though. We have all hit the same lows as you, just different themes. ❤️ 

[lily17]

4 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

Very true. And I think it is extremely common for loved ones to just NOT GET IT. I remember telling mum my worries about my husband abusing my baby and she advised me not to tell ANYONE about it as what I was thinking was so hurtful. She told me I would destroy him. She was wrong and he has helped me get help ever since.

lily everyone here understands though. We have all hit the same lows as you, just different themes. ❤️ 

She thinks she understands but actually, she doesn’t. And I get it but... 

Thank you Jennie ?

[JennieWren]

2 hours ago, lily17 said:

She thinks she understands but actually, she doesn’t. And I get it but... 

It's very hurtful when my mum doesn't understand. Because she's my mum! But she loves me all the same so I try and focus on that.

[St Mike]

8 hours ago, lily17 said:

I don’t know how to deal with the intrusive thoughts when I’m not completely awake.

The same as you would deal with intrusive thoughts at any time, "Don't engage with them, leave them alone." 

Either go back to sleep or wake up and get ready for work, school or whatever you need to do for that period of time.

Edited December 7, 2017 by St Mike

[lily17]

4 hours ago, JennieWren said:

It's very hurtful when my mum doesn't understand. Because she's my mum! But she loves me all the same so I try and focus on that.

Now I'm not in really good terms with my mum because of OCD  damn it.... I know what you mean tho

[lily17]

13 minutes ago, St Mike said:

The same as you would deal with intrusive thoughts at any time, "Don't engage with them, leave them alone." 

Either go back to sleep or wake up and get ready for work, school or whatever you need to do for that period of time.

It's so difficult Mike... The guilt I feel drags me back to bed as if I don't deserve to see the sun ever again  

[Caramoole]

Self pity is understandable but futile....mornings and waking up times are always difficult....so be ready for them, give the hazy, muddled thoughts no attention....accept them for what they are and either roll over, refuse to engage or add meaning and nod off again, or get up and get moving.

[lily17]

34 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Self pity is understandable but futile....mornings and waking up times are always difficult....so be ready for them, give the hazy, muddled thoughts no attention....accept them for what they are and either roll over, refuse to engage or add meaning and nod off again, or get up and get moving.

 I don’t remember what it felt like waking up without feeling anxious. It’s so sad that I’ll probably never feel that again. I’m so poorly. OCD is the worst thing and everyday is more difficult for me to believe it’s still just that  

[kirby42]

Things can get better Lily. Keep going. You're writing and thinking so much. Get some sleep