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freya196

hocd is suffocating me

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Hi, my names Freya, I'm 17 and I've had HOCD since around the age of 13. I spiked a few months ago and it wont go away. Ever since I can remember I have been straight and I have identified that way. Yes, I have had a few sexual, same-sex fantasizes when I hit puberty but I am completely turned off by that now. I have completely lost ALL sex drive and I feel incredibly numb. I went to a party a few days ago and smoked weed and I felt my HOCD slip away and I came so close to kissing the boy I like (I feared him rejecting me and not speaking to me again). I often think is this HOCD? I am no longer able to help relieve my anxiety through compulsions and if I am successful it works for only a brief moment. I am constantly bombarded by intrusive thoughts and I so badly want this to end. I finally told my friends about my HOCD (even though my brain keeps telling me I 'came out') which has brought me a lot of anxiety but I'm glad I have some more support. 

Yesterday, a gay friend of mine touched my ass. Im not sure if it was on purpose or an accident but I felt so uncomfortable that I went home, took my clothes off and jumped straight into the shower. I avoided her most of today but she came up to me and held my hand (i thought she was going to high five) and I felt weirded out by this. I don't want to have to avoid people because of my HOCD. About 20 minutes ago I was scrolling through instagram when the naked cover of Kanye West's Famous album cover popped up, there were boobs on there and I froze, I kept thinking 'what if I like them?' 'You want to touch them'. HOCD feels so real I often think its not and that I'm actually gay. Even as I think about HOCD, my groinal response is going mad and it has been all day. I don't have a lot of self confidence or self esteem so I often think no man will ever love me as I'm fat and ugly. My OCD tells me that my failure and current lack of sex drive is because I'm gay. I have recalled several events from my past, this friend of mine came over and we played 'mums and dads' and she took her shirt off and asked me to get into bed with her but I avoided doing it as I felt uncomfortable. I often question whether any crushes I have/had are real and that they're all just lies. 

I need help desperately but I don't want to tell my parents about this as i've tried before and it made me uncomfortable as they didn't understand. I live in the North West of the UK and I would be grateful if someone could tell me if what I have is HOCD or denial and where I can get help from. I've been feeling as if I'm slipping into depression, I know my OCD spikes at Christmas time but I love this time of year and i'm tired of this ruining everything. Please help me. 

I have in the past suffered from Harm OCD and OCD over the health of my own and others but this is the most prominent. 

Edited by freya196
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Hi. Yes, it sounds like everyday OCD to me. And it's not HOCD, it's just plain old OCD. 

Have you sought help for this?

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Hiya,

No but I am making progress I've finally told my friends and my mum about this and my mum has we're going to get an appointment to see my GP soon so they can hopefully refer me to therapy. 

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I found it so hard telling the truth about all my thoughts but it's the best thing to do because - as you know - the thoughts aren't real they are a symptom of an illness. When I told my parents they really didn't get it and gave me bad advice. It has been up to me to teach them about my condition. unforunately that's just how it is. Luckily you are in the right place on this forum and going to your GP is correct. Im glad you are now telling the truth and I hope you continue to do so even if it's hard. Good luck and share how you get on...

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