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Hi all. 

Partly due to my ocd ive become a complete vegan. No animal products at all. 

Today i ordered some veggie sushi and during eating it i noticed there was some mayonaise sauce in between the rice. 

I became frustrated because i wanted to finish it. So i took 2 more bites of it but eventually felt to bad about it. 

I went upstairs and started throwing up, and i just could not stop. I kept thinking that this sauce was in my stomach and i needed to get it out or else i am i bad person for eating a product with animal products in it. I kept throwing up until blood came with it. But i just couldn't stop, i felt i had to do this to make amends with the animals (chickens)  being hurt for laying these eggs in severe circumstances. And suddenly my wife knocked the door. She heard it all. And ive been trying to explain. But im ashamed of myself. 

In January im starting a very intense therapy for my ocd. But i dont know what to do about this thing that happened today.  After throwing up until seeing blood and even beyond that. I just donated 10 euros to a charity that saves chickens from these bad hatchery places to try and make it right somehow, but it does not take away the horrible act ive done by eating mayonaise while knowing it had mayonaise in it. 

 

But i still feel like a bad person. Why did i choose to finish my bite while having found out there was mayonaise in it? 

At the moment i thought it was good exposure. But right now im feeling just so guilty l. And im mad at myself for being such a bad person. 

Edited by Ironborn
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What you should be mad at is that you did a major compulsion by throwing up.

Look, you need therapy. You're concentrating on why you took that extra bite when your focus should be on the real problem... there is nothing wrong with eating animal products. 

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10 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Partly due to my ocd ive become a complete vegan

If there is the case, then you may have to re-examine the reasons why you became a vegan and observe whether or not becoming a vegan itself is a compulsion to offset the anxiety or guilt caused by OCD. May I add that there is nothing wrong being a vegan, it needs to be done for the right reasons and intentions.

10 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I kept thinking that this sauce was in my stomach and i needed to get it out or else i am i bad person for eating a product with animal products in it.

Becoming a vegan doesn't mean you have to torture yourself by throwing up any accidental or even purposeful ingestion of animal products. I agree with Polar bear, throwing up is a major compulsion. Throwing up and hurting yourself in the process doesn't help animals in anyway.

Wanting to be kind to animals doesn't mean being unkind to yourself. Kindness in my opinion has to start from being kind to yourself first so that it has a firm base to stand and spread outwards to other beings, human and animals included. That is what I come to know after a decade of practising Mindfulness and Metta (Loving-Kindness).

10 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I just donated 10 euros to a charity that saves chickens from these bad hatchery places to try and make it right somehow, but it does not take away the horrible act ive done by eating mayonaise while knowing it had mayonaise in it. 

Though I am all for charities helping to prevent cruelty to animals, what you have done is a compulsion to ease your guilt, caused by your obsession against the consumption of animal products. There is a high likelyhood that the mayonnaise is actually vegetarian mayonnaise since it comes as part of a vegetarian sushi set.

Regardless, the compulsion (of throwing up) performed was extremely harmful to both your mind and body. 

Try your best to let go of the guilt and remember to be kind to yourself too while wanting to be kind to animals and good luck with the therapy.

Edited by St Mike
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