OCD isn’t letting me breathe

[lily17]

Ever since the other night I was watching a relaxing video before bed and had the intrusive thought of breathing (yes, you read it right) breathing thinking of my mum and having a sort of enjoyable feeling in my private parts with it (i think ladies can understand that when you breath deeply that happens or maybe i’m just too obsessed with this) so yeah... after that I had the urge to actually test it thinking of my mum but I was scared that maybe I wouldn’t do it as a test but as something you do to actually please yourself... ew. So I was lying on my side and that happened, I breathed deeply after having those thoughts and I went into turmoil! Then I think I tested a lot of times but I’ve been feeling so guilty ever since. I can’t breathe properly and I’m totally serious. The anxiety it gives me not being able to breathe actually makes me choke in my own saliva since I can’t swallow properly either and I have to think of celebrities or just do it looking at someone in the street and even doing this, even trying to focus on someone else it feels like I’m doing it thinking of her and liking it. I try to tell myself that there isn’t anything sexual about breathing but it doesn’t work. This is a total nightmare and my suicidal thoughts are going all the way up. 

Edited December 10, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

I deeply breathed not thinking of it as a test right after having those thoughts and I was liking the feeling but of course it made me freak out to be thinking of her I think  

[OceanDweller]

Hi Lily. What are you on about matey? This is all nonsensical. It’s like your brain is leaking without the filter of your mouth! It’s just another lengthy rumination. And it’s holding you back.

[lily17]

1 minute ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi Lily. What are you on about matey? This is all nonsensical. It’s like your brain is leaking without the filter of your mouth! It’s just another lengthy rumination. And it’s holding you back.

I just feel horribly guilty. Like I don’t understand how can I fear doing something (pleasuring myself thinking of her) and then actually do it or feel like I have done it just... so hard for me to believe. I was like ok I have to test this but I’m afraid it won’t be a test and it will be to actually please myself then it happened I deeply breathed and I was liking the feeling and I went like “NO!” because I was thinking of her  so horrible. This is what caused me to drink. I know it seems so silly but it’s actually making me feel like garbage. 

[lily17]

It’s so sad to look back and see the person I was... just five months back on time. I was a terribly anxious person but I sort of managed it. I can’t believe I’m wishing I could have that back, without thoughts entering my brain that feel like actual bullets. I’ve been destroyed and I really don’t think I will ever be the same. I can’t do the things I used to love doing such as binge watching tv shows, reading, going out with friends... I don’t know, I miss all of that, especially watching tv shows that made me so happy and was such an escape for me now I feel too guilty to do it. Now I can’t even laugh, breathe, swallow... crazy, huh? I’m sorry to be this full of self-pitiness but I can’t help. I don’t see a way out of this. 

Edited December 10, 2017 by lily17

[Caramoole]

Lily, I'm very tempted to lock this thread again.  As OceanDweleer has pointed out, this is just more rumination, compulsions.  It isn't healthy or helpful to allow you to use the forum in this way.  There isn't really anything anyone can respond with, other than offering reassurance, which they shouldn't be doing.

When you post these threads, what is it you're hoping for?  What sort of a response are you hoping for?  What outcome is it you feel will be the result?

It's important you try and think about those questions so that you know why you are posting and then consider what we mean when we advise how unhelpful it is to your recovery or progress.

[OceanDweller]

Folk can and do recovery completely Lily. You need to start implementing the advice you’ve received. Your written ruminations are like clockwork. They need curtailing.

[kirby42]

Have you tried meditation? I find it helps. Sports and physical exercise are good too for lowering anxiety.

[lily17]

3 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Lily, I'm very tempted to lock this thread again.  As OceanDweleer has pointed out, this is just more rumination, compulsions.  It isn't healthy or helpful to allow you to use the forum in this way.  There isn't really anything anyone can respond with, other than offering reassurance, which they shouldn't be doing.

When you post these threads, what is it you're hoping for?  What sort of a response are you hoping for?  What outcome is it you feel will be the result?

It's important you try and think about those questions so that you know why you are posting and then consider what we mean when we advise how unhelpful it is to your recovery or progress.

I think I just started this new thread because I basically needed to vent. To let it all out. Putting things down sometimes works for me. 

[lily17]

3 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

Folk can and do recovery completely Lily. You need to start implementing the advice you’ve received. Your written ruminations are like clockwork. They need curtailing.

Would I be able to do it? I don’t know. Maybe know I believe that I can but then tomorrow I will be feeling low again. I agree with you that I ruminate excessively and it needs to stop.

[lily17]

3 minutes ago, kirby42 said:

Have you tried meditation? I find it helps. Sports and physical exercise are good too for lowering anxiety.

I have tried mindfulness, just once with my grandma’s friend who is a retired psychologist. I didn’t want to go again because I was feeling terrible but I might give him a call.

[lily17]

I don’t know if this thing that I just did was exposure but I took a deep breath thinking of my mum, twice, to see there was nothing wrong or sexual with it. I can breathe again but I’m starting to get thoughts saying that now I’m breathing for sexual reasons again and that now I’m doing it on purpose. ??‍♀️

I don’t know, I just thought that maybe instead of testing myself I could just do it thinking of her to see that there was nothing wrong with it? I mean it’s not a sexual thing and I absolutely don’t want to sexually please myself from it. 

[kirby42]

4 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I have tried mindfulness, just once with my grandma’s friend who is a retired psychologist. I didn’t want to go again because I was feeling terrible but I might give him a call.

Search on YouTube for a guided mindfulness video and try it.

[PhilM]

So are you saying you've had OCD for five months? I'm not trying to be harsh but think about this - 22 years since my diagnosis and much longer for some people.

We fight on and try not to have a defeatist attitude, avoid asking question after question when the response is clearly always going to be the same.

[lily17]

2 hours ago, PhilM said:

So are you saying you've had OCD for five months? I'm not trying to be harsh but think about this - 22 years since my diagnosis and much longer for some people.

We fight on and try not to have a defeatist attitude, avoid asking question after question when the response is clearly always going to be the same.

I’ve actually had OCD ever since I was 10, on and off but this year hit me hard and I didn’t even know that I had it before. 

[lily17]

10 hours ago, lily17 said:

I don’t know if this thing that I just did was exposure but I took a deep breath thinking of my mum, twice, to see there was nothing wrong or sexual with it. I can breathe again but I’m starting to get thoughts saying that now I’m breathing for sexual reasons again and that now I’m doing it on purpose. ??‍♀️

I don’t know, I just thought that maybe instead of testing myself I could just do it thinking of her to see that there was nothing wrong with it? I mean it’s not a sexual thing and I absolutely don’t want to sexually please myself from it. 

Can anyone tell me if this is okay to do? I mean I need an opinion, not reassurance

[HDC]

13 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Can anyone tell me if this is okay to do? I mean I need an opinion, not reassurance

I'd say it's a compulsion Lily, anything to do with sexual reasons, breathing, touching... LEAVE ALONE. Just notice thoughts, don't think about them, test them, worry about them, ask people if they're true. Just notice them

[lily17]

51 minutes ago, HDC said:

I'd say it's a compulsion Lily, anything to do with sexual reasons, breathing, touching... LEAVE ALONE. Just notice thoughts, don't think about them, test them, worry about them, ask people if they're true. Just notice them

The thoughts feel true and I feel the need to react bad to them because if I’m actually doing what I fear... it’s just too bad right now I’ve tried to do something different but it didn’t work now I feel guilty for doing that exposure thing  I feel like I’ve breathed for sexual reasons a few times thinking of her I feel terrible because it feels REAL 

[PhilM]

It feels "real" because you're taking it so seriously and giving it power. The less seriously you take it, however hard it can be, the less power it will have over you.

[HDC]

10 minutes ago, lily17 said:

The thoughts feel true and I feel the need to react bad to them because if I’m actually doing what I fear... it’s just too bad right now I’ve tried to do something different but it didn’t work now I feel guilty for doing that exposure thing  I feel like I’ve breathed for sexual reasons a few times thinking of her I feel terrible because it feels REAL 

That's ocd all over... the only way to get out is leave the thoughts be, no interactions and no compulsions 

[lily17]

9 minutes ago, PhilM said:

It feels "real" because you're taking it so seriously and giving it power. The less seriously you take it, however hard it can be, the less power it will have over you.

Yes, this has to stop. I want to be able to at least breathe again... and I’m afraid the only way to do it is just do it, whatever thoughts come along with it right

[lily17]

10 minutes ago, HDC said:

That's ocd all over... the only way to get out is leave the thoughts be, no interactions and no compulsions 

It’s so hard for me right now. I wish they were just thoughts but not related to my actual behaviour  

[PhilM]

I think you need to find an appropriate form of distraction instead of what seems to me waiting around for responses to your posts to which you generally reply negatively or with "but", "can't", "wish", "not" etc.

 

[HDC]

38 minutes ago, lily17 said:

It’s so hard for me right now. I wish they were just thoughts but not related to my actual behaviour  

They are just thoughts... you're applying meaning to the behaviour 

[OceanDweller]

1 hour ago, PhilM said:

 

I think you need to find an appropriate form of distraction

 

I would second this Lily. 18 is a wonderful age. I remember my late teens... hanging with my buddies in our leather jackets, smoking cigarettes, dancing with young ladies at college discos. Or am I confusing my youth with the musical Grease?! Either way, be careful not to squander these years. Get out there and put your mark on the world.