Do I need to feel guilty for this?

[ocdsufferer85]

Ok so horrible thought comes in...I finally realise it's ocd and know I am not to blame

Then more thoughts follow..memories of what a person posted on a forum about what they feared they did

But I feel this safety inside of me that OCD would not defeat me this time, I would never do what they did, it couldn't trick me this time

Now with that feeling of confidence for once after years of battling ocd thoughts, I felt calmed down and on top, like I just defeated the monster, as though I was standing opposite it...but i suddenly had this wall around me...that I knew it wouldn't break for once. I didn't have to fear it.

Therefor I was able to feel kind of normal and good about things.

Now I feel like I let this wall crumble a little, because I felt like I was stronger than OCD anyway...I let my guard down.

I had thoughts coming in around what that person feared they did. Then I found myself thinking, how would they do it, I won't but how, is it even possible, etc etc, all these things flooded in, I thought I was OK to think or ponder because I knew myself that I'd never do it. Its the last thing I'd want. I felt this 'novelty' Feeling of power over ocd. I have not felt like that in years. More thoughts came...I kept thinking so if someone did that they would be doomed forever, how easy is that, surely it's not so easy? Etc etc

I snapped out of this and tuned in and thought ok, OCD is trying to find something to make me panic. I know I'm OK though.

Then I felt myself picturing being close to acting, and I started to move my lips slightly (i have a fear of speaking a thought outloud against religion under a breath) I then thought. OK this is gonna make me worry later, check I haven't said anything...I replayed everything and was certain all was OK. It still won't get me.

I was relieved once more. Glad I hadn't 'messed up'

I moved away then suddenly felt this breath come out... And because I wasn't picturing it or focused it's now saying thats enough to doubt. As it was coming out I felt this spike and foggy doubt.

I feel like I let this happen, or caused it.

I don't want to have done anything wrong, it's the last thing I'd want. 

Should I feel guilt or could I not prevent it?

[PolarBear]

Same story, different day. This is exactly the same as your previous worry. Exact same circumstances. And now you have a more updated minor incident to do compulsions around... if you choose to go down that road.

You're also asking for reassurance, asking how you should feel. I'm not going to go there.

What do you think you can do differently this time around?

[ocdsufferer85]

Do you think it's impossible to be on guard 24/7

[ocdsufferer85]

If I don't do what OCD says I end up in such a state of guilt

[HDC]

29 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

If I don't do what OCD says I end up in such a state of guilt

The guilt is also ocd... you have no control as to what your ocd picks on. Any topic whatsoever. It'll be a topic most opposite to you, that's why you feel guilty... Don't do what ocd says and push passed the guilt! The guilt isn't yours, blame it on OCD too!

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Do you think it's impossible to be on guard 24/7

Of course it's impossible! More to the point, it's unnecessary. 

Believing you have to be careful is part of the distorted thinking of OCD. Breaking free of OCD will require you to choose to let your guard down deliberately, to let it go and risk the consequences. At the moment that seems unthinkable to you, but as your thinking becomes less distorted it will make more sense.

The way forward is to realise the risk you think you'd be taking if you let it go only exists because of the way you're interpreting your thoughts. Put a different meaning on things and the consequences you fear so much will vanish.

You don't need to give up your faith, or become a bad person to do this. Just accept you got the meaning wrong and allow yourself to correct it. 

[ocdsufferer85]

Thank you.

When I read advice I get a glimmer of hope...and feel like fighting on.

I'm just finding it so difficult to see an end to all this.

I read a line in the Bible, took it literally and have worried ever since.

I can't describe how terrified I was when I read about it. I had to know I hadn't done it. But it just continued. What I "must not think" came into my head, it got worse and worse. I once had it none stop all day when I was out, I was literally arguing with my own head in shops...I hope nobody heard ?

But you see the moment I realised I couldn't stop these ' thoughts ' they are ' unwanted ' my head instantly moved on to the next thing....you can control speaking...but what if..

And suddenly it went from me feeling so happy that I had this little breakthrough and that I would never ' speak ' the thoughts aloud to feeling horrified.

I end up being so relaxed about it, just being calm and like I say normal, like I was letting myself be normal..not being so obsessed I guess, in my head i had finally accepted that it's beyond my control when it comes to OCD thoughts, and the only thing worse would be speaking..and there was no way I would do that. I felt like I won! Like nothing could trick me now, I had certainty I was OK, I was always on edge with the ' thoughts'

But in thinking normally and being sure I wouldnt, how did I end up thinking into it? Breathing out a bad set of words, is it so simple, how would it be done? 

Moving my mouth trying to picture it, then it started to panic me so I checked..but when I stopped watching it tricked me!

Why is this happening?  Is it because I didn't want to or intend to so I felt ok to think into it?

I am basically so convinced that it's my fault that I thought into it, instead of blocking the idea. And it lead to me feeling like I made a mistake.

 

Edited December 14, 2017 by ocdsufferer85

[JennieWren]

22 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

had finally accepted that it's beyond my control when it comes to OCD thoughts, and the only thing worse would be speaking..and there was no way I would do that. I felt like I won! Like nothing could trick me now

Nothing is trying to trick you. It's just your poorly head stuck in OCD ways of thinking. Big alarm bells went off when you say "the only thing worse would be speaking". It sounds like you need to dig deeper and see how ALL of this is OCD. You are still testing and trying to control. Speak those 'bad words' and be free. Maybe even shout them whilst giving the middle finger to OCD!

Well done on resisting it even a little though, you obviously are going through a rough time and it's very hard.

[ocdsufferer85]

Hi Jennie, what is even worse is something that was tiny, if anything has been blown up. If it was so easy for me to immediately doubt myself then ocd would always be there waiting to get me. Take any event...say your worried if u turned off the cooker, the more and more you doubt the more it creates...maybe you left the window open too....and the hair straightners on...etc. Until you believe everything it suggests. 

With me I read that line,  anyone who speaks against... Will not be forgiven.

So I take that literally and I end up with constant thoughts against what I believe, it's the pink elephant thing. 

Then as I just said, what if you spoke,  that would be it, the end.

I believe ocd would have kept on and on until it got me to be unsure if I spoke...because I'm so afraid of it.

But is it bad of me to not have freaked out at that moment? Shouldn't I have made sure I diverted the thoughts...Surely they would return though. I just keep going back to that one bit...where I didn't plan to cause a problem, it was super rare for me to feel calm, and the one time I am I end up with the fear that I did the worst thing ever. It won't stop. It tells me everyday and night, I have to be sure that what it's now suggesting...didn't happen. Something so tiny has turned into a massive list of fears and what ifs...I've now got used to posting on here and say why why why did I do this?! But what I'm questioning is probably all lies and false! I'm taking the blame for every idea. But what if?!

I have this cloud over me all the time, I feel like I wasn't being safe and that I caused it.

I can't see that it's OCDS fault, even though I'm told the whole thing is the illness.

But I see myself thinking of the worst thing ever that would destroy me, being 'normal' and letting more thoughts come in because I knew I wouldn't act, but in doing so I started to feel like I was close, I was actually questioning it and how it's even possible... This is only going to make me freak out so why?!?!?! Then when I stop trying to control things and I move on...I lose control because OCD has this doubt hanging over me that I may have done something by mistake....and why?! Because I believe I was too relaxed and sure of myself. I should be on guard to prevent it. Jennie I can't see my life being ok anymore.

I am on holiday and I'm going over It :(:(:(:(

 

[ocdsufferer85]

I have been living in guilt and fear for so many years.

Unable to grasp it's ocd.

My other OCD themes are alot easier to accept. But this is different.

The illness could be tricking me but if I can't see it and I feel this guilt that to me is eating me up inside then how do I know?! 

I am always living with it. It follows me everywhere. Whatever I'm doing I know it's there.

I think right I'll enjoy today but return back to it later. And that takes off the enjoyment because I feel I don't deserve it.

I think...I'd love to travel...but what's the point. Wherever I go my mind isn't free...I can't escape this 'secret' and I don't deserve to live.

[ocdsufferer85]

Snowbear - hi, I see any kind of none safety behaviour awful tho...if I don't check the oven this time... It will set the house on fire...then I'll be to blame...

With this - if I speak then I am breaking the rule of the Bible and I'm doomed, I'm a vile person who defies God.

I never manage to not check the oven, but why did I allow myself to picture the most important one, to picture how you can speak under your breath?!  It only causes complete hell.

I don't want to do it, but I'm now trapped in the most horrendous situation of replaying, I get so angry to myself and say WHY DIDN'T I KEEP MY MOUTH COVERED...  Why let this happen and be in this place where I see now escape and ruin my life forever? 

[ocdsufferer85]

I never wanted to speak a thought outloud. Not atall. 

So why if I'm happy that I wouldn't...

Why mess it up?

[PolarBear]

Your last two posts are you ruminating, again. 

Once again, you need to get to a place where you are not so fearful of saying words against God. You can get there. You have taken one line out of a book, honed in on it and made it into a monster. This is not a global thing where every religious person lives in fear of saying such words. It's you. It's only you. And you made yourself so fearful. Not the words in a book.

Again, you have no reason to be so careful, as you describe. In fact, in order to make the fear lose its grip on You, you will have to say the words, out loud and forcefully, repeatedly. It's the exposure in ERP and you will have to do it to remove the stung the fear evokes. Your fear of uttering such words is no different than someone's fear of spiders or HIV. 

Another thing you have to do to get the fear to lose its grip is lessen then stop your incessant compulsions. Every time you ruminate over this subject you give OCD strength. It will only weaken when you stop giving it the attention it craves.

 

[PolarBear]

6 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

With this - if I speak then I am breaking the rule of the Bible and I'm doomed, I'm a vile person who defies God.

That is only your opinion and it is not shared with the same fervor by others. 

[ocdsufferer85]

@PolarBear is this happening because it's my fear? What I mean is, will ocd convince you of things when it's your biggest fear? I think the moment I read that line I was destined to create worries around it. Is it like someone with POCD that keeps on at them until they fear that they did something horrific to a child? I don't know what it all means.

I fear the words, but if I feel like I know I wouldn't do it, is it normal to feel calm and less on guard? Is it what anyone would do, but then ocd has jumped in at the slightest thing?

Can't understand how in such a small amount of time I went from fear...relief..certainty....to horror, doubt and guilt. 

I know my posts are all the same. I don't like posting.

[PolarBear]

You keep talking about letting your guard down. You had no valid reason to have your guard up.

[JennieWren]

noone can really answer your questions because they are all rooted in the twisted thinking of OCD.

Personally I don't believe in god at all. Does that mean I am doomed? For me, doom is just a concept human beings invented to keep other human beings in line. I believe in morality with forgiveness and living a skillful life, not one ruled by dogma. 

I am wishing you the best right now as what you are going through sounds really hard.

[ocdsufferer85]

Trying to accept OCD is to blame.

[JennieWren]

Well done. Keep trying. You can get there.

[ocdsufferer85]

A moment of actually picturing acting on my fear and feeling in a position where I could do it or not do it is what I beat myself up for. For letting myself do this, I let myself because I was sure I wouldn't. But it led me to doubting myself so I then go back to the self blame cycle of...why did I picture, why did i allow this.

[PolarBear]

I refer you back to what ive said numerous times... if you did what you think you might have, it was no big deal. Your greatest fear is as irrational as a fear of spiders.