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Please God let someone on here be able to help me. I’ve been having panic attacks and racing thoughts like crazy for almost 24 hours now. I recently found out that someone who was at the same place I was at over the weekend on the same day took a stroke and then a brain haemorrhage in hospital. When I heard this I felt saddened as any normal person would but fast forward a couple of hours later and I’m having all  these ‘What If it was my fault?’ thoughts. Like what if I took a Memory blank and pushed the person over or worse and this is what led to the stroke. My fiancé said he was with me the whole time and says that I definitely didn’t do anything but of course I keep just having all these ‘What if’ thoughts like what about when i went to the toilet etc and am freaking out like mad. I know this is probably all because I’ve conditioned my brain to blame myself for everything all the time  and imagine all these horrible scenarios but I feel desperate to check for just one solid bit of evidence to prove that this really can’t have been the case and then I would know for definite that this is all just anxiety. Like if i found out the person collapsed earlier that day before I even got there maybe? But then that makes me hate myself even more for being so selfish to just want to rid myself of my horrible anxiety and OCD in the middle of such a tragic situation. But I just feel like without a shred of evidence against my racing intrusive thoughts I’m destined to a life of absolute misery and fear  ?

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Typical OCD. Your disorder latched onto your friends situation and sent you some intrusive thoughts that got you going. You then made the situation much worse by doing compulsions, like ruminating, seeking reassurance from your fiance and trying to find evidence that it wasnt your fault.

Stop the compulsions and this will calm down.

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I have tried PB but the anxiety and fear is just so overwhelming and the thoughts so frightening.

I have a habit of feeling the need to force myself to imagine ‘What if I was so caught up in my previous intrusive thoughts and went into some kind of trance or zombie-like mode and acted out what my OCD was telling me I was capable of or had done to others before?’ and then trying to see how believable this seems and if it fits. Sometimes it doesn’t fit but when I study it from the view-point of me possibly being so delirious due to the worry of previous intrusive thoughts  which have swallowed my mind so completely I get scared that I may have went into a zombie like mode and get panic attacks. The images are so terrifying. Sometimes when i get the urge to study things from all these different view-points again I try to resist and tell myself it is just a compulsion but then a voice in my head tells me that this is me being a coward etc. This is the worst I have ever felt. 

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One of my other (scaringly believable) viewpoints is that because one of my main   compulsions is checking I may have in a zombie like mode (mixed with alcohol) acted out one of my intrusive thoughts on this person to see how familiar it felt? Although if this was the case I’m sure I would have a proper memory of it or cognition of some sort and there would have been a memorable reaction from the other person? Also I was in a public place,although when I tell myself this my anxiety centres around what about when I went to the toilet etc. But the toilets were public too but as you all know nothing satisfies the anxiety and the guilt of even having such fear thoughts never mind having part of my mind that believes them is crushing me from the inside out. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.  I went back to mental health team and the lady there hadn’t even read my notes beforehand and said she wasn’t very familiar with this type of OCD and would chat to the psychiatrist and give me advice next week. Also she went on about how lucky I was to have my fiancé stick by me through this which I was already aware of and that I should be feeling excited and happy cause I have my own wedding to look forward to. Which made me feel like even more of a failure. 

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17 hours ago, Oceanblue said:

I have tried PB but the anxiety and fear is just so overwhelming and the thoughts so frightening.

I have a habit of feeling the need to force myself to imagine ‘What if I was so caught up in my previous intrusive thoughts and went into some kind of trance or zombie-like mode and acted out what my OCD was telling me I was capable of or had done to others before?’ and then trying to see how believable this seems and if it fits. Sometimes it doesn’t fit but when I study it from the view-point of me possibly being so delirious due to the worry of previous intrusive thoughts  which have swallowed my mind so completely I get scared that I may have went into a zombie like mode and get panic attacks. The images are so terrifying. Sometimes when i get the urge to study things from all these different view-points again I try to resist and tell myself it is just a compulsion but then a voice in my head tells me that this is me being a coward etc. This is the worst I have ever felt. 

Guaranteed doing that is a compulsion. It's a checking/testing compulsion and its keeping you stuck.

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On 16/12/2017 at 08:21, Oceanblue said:

Which made me feel like even more of a failure. 

I am always very wary of anyone now who implies what I 'should' be feeling. You are feeling what you are feeling. Your life is very stressful and distressing at the moment, so the chances of you feeling excited and happy aren't so realistic are they? You are not a failure. You are poorly. I hope you acknowledge that. You did not choose to feel and think these things. No one can pick and choose thoughts and feelings. However over time it is possible to change how we deal with them. 

Getting married is a big deal. It's not just a 'happy time'. It is stressful to organise, expensive and very emotional. I felt very vulnerable about getting married. I'm glad I did it but not because I thought it was the start of the fairytale. 

Your fiancé sticking by you is something to be grateful for, but no doubt you would return that devotion and commitment in a heartbeat. That's what true love is.

i know you are unwell at the moment. But even one small change, one act of self care or self love, a day, will start you on a road to recovery. Maybe you are already on it but can't see it at the moment. Having mental health problems is hard because it feels never ending. But slowly slowly you can make your life better. Just scale down your expectations, live hour by hour, and see what tiny changes you can make. Can you think of anything small you could work on at this time?

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I agree PB. It is killing me and I know I need to stop. The thoughts are switching like dynamite at the moment and making me think of all the poor people that would be so hurt and devastated if any of them turn out to be true.

Thank you so much Jennie for your kind and helpful post. It has helped to make me feel a little less alone and a bit better about things too. What you said sounds rational and is helping me see things a little differently. I am trying to be kinder to myself and accept that I have this severe anxiety condition at the moment that I most certainly did not ask for and part of that is these randomly occurring distressing thoughts. But as I said before I tend to get caught up in the pain of others if any of the horrible thoughts end up being true. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I got a fierce intrusion about 10 minutes after I woke up this morning about a funeral I attended at the weekend. It is tradition at the wake to say a prayer at the coffin and then touch the person gently on the hand and say ‘God Bless’ before the coffin is closed. But just this morning I wondered about ‘What if I touched them somewhere else and spaced out in zombie-like mode cause of all my previous thoughts and anxiety’  And obviously someone would have noticed and might tell the family and hey would be so hurt and devastated and they might tell my Mum and Dad. Mum and Dad would be devastated and ashamed but would explain that I wasn’t well recently and that it definitely wouldn’t have been intentional and might plead with them to not tell anyone else as it would destroy me. My parents would be broken by the shame and pain but may not tell me the truth and I would never know any better yet all these people would be in so much emotional pain and suffering because of me  ? 

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13 hours ago, Oceanblue said:

these people would be in so much emotional pain and suffering because of me

Can I be blunt? Is this about getting married? I only say this because sometimes we don't know how to deal with our real worries so we get an OCD flare up as a way of dealing with difficult life events. I would include getting married in this.

I say this because by getting married you have decided to 'tie yourself' forever to the person you love the most. And yet you worry you are this dreadful person (because of your mental health) and that you might be harming others. You also know that your fiancé will need to help and support you a lot at times and that your OCD might be a problem. It's a big leap of faith into uncertainty and potential guilt isn't it?

my story is this: my now husband fell in love with me thinking I was an adventurous and free spirited person. Then he realised I was a big mess, and this affected him a lot. Then we got married and I got pregnant and then I got really unwell. Now he needs counselling in part to work through all that my illness has done to him. From this you would think our life together is dreadful and yet actually the opposite is true. In between the bad times we have so much fun. He values me and loves ALL of me and feels lucky to be with me, because of my other qualities. Our love is deeper, more honest, and richer for all the difficulties we have been through. We have two lovely girls who are well adjusted and the light of our lives. We have worked really hard to get to this point but it was so so worth it. 

Likewise your fiancé is lucky to have you and whatever difficulties you face it sounds like you will work through them together. Your love will be richer and more meaningful for it. It is in these difficult times that we can find the real treasure of life.

if I have this wrong please ignore my whole post and its assumptions. I am basing it all on how I have felt in the past, and I am not you...

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I agree that this is as a result of ruminating Polar Bear but the anxiety and outcome of thoughts being true is just so sickening and creates so much fear and shame in me I struggle to gain control. Also I am dealing with major paranoia at the moment as a result.  Last night whenever our phone rang I thought it was someone ringing to tell my parents that I had done something awful etc.

I know what you mean Jennie. Whenever we got engaged I did feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety as it came unexpectedly and I was wondering if I was going to be good enough etc and worried that in someway I would ruin everything.  This def was the start of the anxiety but then the anxiety attached itself to all these crazy what if thoughts as the weeks developed and has just got worse and more disturbing ever since. My fiancé has been absolutely so amazing and supportive through this horrible time, just like yours sounds to be and I agree that it has and definitely will make us stronger in the long run. I am so glad to hear how you and your husband have stood strong in the face of OCD and have an amazing family as a result. It is so inspiring and comforting to hear from people who have experienced similar difficulties and have came out the other side. Thank you so much. Hopefully one day I can be like you and use my experience to help others.  

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6 hours ago, Oceanblue said:

Hopefully one day I can be like you and use my experience to help others.  

I don't think we are any different. I bet if I asked you for advice it would be well thought out and insightful. This seems to be the way with a lot of people on this forum. Very wise when it comes to other people. I am definitely a work in progress.

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I am currently on my way to hospital for a crisis appointment. I took a really bad panic attack this evening as I felt there was no way out at this stage. My mind is just such a scary place and I keep trying so hard and taking all the advice on board but I just end up crumbling each time and my mind gets knotted up in thoughts and ‘what if’ theories begging me to examine then closer and analyse.  I have never felt so scared and hopeless in my entire life. I’m afraid to be really honest about my thoughts in case everyone is going to think I’m a horrible freak or a real threat to others and I end up getting sectioned or something but I have to tell the truth or else the weight of it is going to kill me from the inside out. I am just so terrified and feel so lost. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I never knew anxiety could screw up your thinking so bad! 

Edited by Oceanblue
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Thanks for caring Jennie. Basically they asked me a series of questions and then prescribed me diazepam to tide me over until today when  i have an appointment with mental health team. The lady in hospital said she would request that I get an assessment with a psychiatrist today with mental health team but to be honest I don’t know how likely that is to happen as I’ve been asking for same from them since last Christmas and they’ve just been fobbing me  off and saying that he’s too busy but fingers crossed I guess.

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I don’t know Ocendweller. To be honest I have very little faith in the Mental health team and I think it was a phone call I had with them yesterday that finally tipped me over the edge. They said they couldn’t trace the letter from the CBT therapist as it had been sent to storage and didn’t really seem to be able to give me much advice. Last week when i went the lady seemed to be reading my notes whilst I was there and she kept asking me all these irrelevant questions that I’ve already told them and even said about me having a child when this definitely is not the case. Also she just said that she wasn’t familiar with OCD and intrusive thoughts like this so just to remember what I had learnt in CBT. She said she would consult with the team and be better informed to help me the following week but when I rang her yesterday she just seemed as vague as ever. Also i just got a phone call from the Lady’s I seen in hospital last night and she said she had talked to them about me being seen urgently by a psychiatrist but this can’t be done so I just have my appointment with the lady I seen last week as normal ? 

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