I’m so worried I hurt my dog.

[lily17]

I’ve really been trying not to ruminate about this but I can’t do it. Here’s the situation that happened last night... I was lying on the sofa and my dog was lying right where my bottom was, so I was touching him with my bottom also in his bottom and I tried to relax, I tried to say it was okay nothing wrong then I started to get the feeling I was liking it sexually and started telling my grandma about this who was next to me. Then I made a movement with my leg and I touched his bottom and I did this for sexual reasons I’m afraid  then I freaked out and went to check if I touched his thingy and I didn’t but really I’m so worried because it seems I liked doing that or is this OCD at work... I would never touch him for those reasons but this time it feels like I have because I liked touching him when I made the leg movement and touched him on his bottom oh god

Edited December 14, 2017 by lily17

[HDC]

Read all your other posts and see if you can answer whether it's ocd or not... I don't want to give you reassurance because that won't help you but I think you know that this is OCD...

[lily17]

7 minutes ago, HDC said:

Read all your other posts and see if you can answer whether it's ocd or not... I don't want to give you reassurance because that won't help you but I think you know that this is OCD...

I don’t know, now I think that I just moved my leg just because. I didn’t mean to get sexual pleasure from it but the thing is that I felt something and I don’t know if I liked it  I just wish I could calm down...

[Caramoole]

Just now, HDC said:

Read all your other posts and see if you can answer whether it's ocd or not... I don't want to give you reassurance because that won't help you but I think you know that this is OCD

 

[HDC]

3 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I don’t know, now I think that I just moved my leg just because. I didn’t mean to get sexual pleasure from it but the thing is that I felt something and I don’t know if I liked it  I just wish I could calm down...

Don't try and work out if you got pleasure.... if you did you wouldn't be panicking

[lily17]

34 minutes ago, HDC said:

Don't try and work out if you got pleasure.... if you did you wouldn't be panicking

And I wouldn't have checked if I touched his parts because I would have wanted to and I wouldn't be this careful about him. It's like I didn't have the intention to touch him there and I didn't, I don't want to so... OCD I guess.

[HDC]

5 minutes ago, lily17 said:

And I wouldn't have checked if I touched his parts because I would have wanted to and I wouldn't be this careful about him. It's like I didn't have the intention to touch him there and I didn't, I don't want to so... OCD I guess.

You got it!!!

[lily17]

Still, I keep on messing it up... I thought I breathed thinking of my sister so I thought to test myself doing it for 'sexual reasons' but not really just to see if I liked it but the purpose was not to sexually please myself but just do it for 'sexual reasons'  you know as I've done before... just for the sake of it it's like if I did it thinking of a chair with those reasons anyway so I was taking the deep breath and when I was exhaling the air, I was feeling something down there and I had to decide if I liked it then I was like okay I felt something because it's normal to feel it when you have female parts and you take a deep breath so I took another deep breath looking at someone on TV to see that it was like that you feel something when doing that but then I repeated the test when my sister was present. I didn't do this out of pleasure so I guess it's okay I shouldn't feel guilty it's all OCD...

Edited December 14, 2017 by lily17

[HDC]

1 hour ago, lily17 said:

Still, I keep on messing it up... I thought I breathed thinking of my sister so I thought to test myself doing it for 'sexual reasons' but not really just to see if I liked it but the purpose was not to sexually please myself but just do it for 'sexual reasons'  you know as I've done before... just for the sake of it it's like if I did it thinking of a chair with those reasons anyway so I was taking the deep breath and when I was exhaling the air, I was feeling something down there and I had to decide if I liked it then I was like okay I felt something because it's normal to feel it when you have female parts and you take a deep breath so I took another deep breath looking at someone on TV to see that it was like that you feel something when doing that but then I repeated the test when my sister was present. I didn't do this out of pleasure so I guess it's okay I shouldn't feel guilty it's all OCD...

The testing and checking is making it worse... try working on not doing that and it'll fade over time! 

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, lily17 said:

Still, I keep on messing it up... I thought I breathed thinking of my sister so I thought to test myself doing it for 'sexual reasons' but not really just to see if I liked it but the purpose was not to sexually please myself but just do it for 'sexual reasons'  you know as I've done before... just for the sake of it it's like if I did it thinking of a chair with those reasons anyway so I was taking the deep breath and when I was exhaling the air, I was feeling something down there and I had to decide if I liked it then I was like okay I felt something because it's normal to feel it when you have female parts and you take a deep breath so I took another deep breath looking at someone on TV to see that it was like that you feel something when doing that but then I repeated the test when my sister was present. I didn't do this out of pleasure so I guess it's okay I shouldn't feel guilty it's all OCD...

Lily, do you appreciate that every time you write a post like this you are carrying out a big compulsion?  We don't actually need to know any of these details, they're just a slight variation on the many other posts that are very similar.  It's a written rumination, partly to try and work it out, partly to ensure (check) that we understand fully, partly to be reassured and also self-reassurance.

What plan have you put together to attempt to change your reactions when the intrusions occur?  What could you do differently?

[lily17]

I'm sorry I can't stop shaking in anxiety thinking of what I did to my dog it's just that I can't stop gooing round and round over it it's terrible I would never do that to my baby but I've done it I want to die  

[lily17]

I’m so panicky I’m literally freaking out I can’t do this oh god I see myself moving my leg for that purpose it’s like I didn’t have a thought but it seems like I knew what I was doing my fear has come true ???

[PhilM]

As I have said previously in a hopefully kind way you need to find an appropriate distraction - did you see your therapist today? I know you weren't for two weeks so forgive me if I've got my dates wrong.

People are giving you a lot of attention because you are young and older sufferers don't want you to go through the years of hell we've been through or still go through. I genuinely believe (again with understanding of your distress and kindness) that these constant posts and multiple threads aren't going to help you other than get reassurance.

[lily17]

1 hour ago, PhilM said:

As I have said previously in a hopefully kind way you need to find an appropriate distraction - did you see your therapist today? I know you weren't for two weeks so forgive me if I've got my dates wrong.

People are giving you a lot of attention because you are young and older sufferers don't want you to go through the years of hell we've been through or still go through. I genuinely believe (again with understanding of your distress and kindness) that these constant posts and multiple threads aren't going to help you other than get reassurance.

I saw her yesterday but what happened with my dog was last night and I can’t stop shaking in disgust, anxiety, dread, absolute horror. I’m in tears and can’t do this no more. I’m sorry.

Edited December 14, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

I feel really sick to my stomach. The horrible gut feeling has come back. I feel the same as when I had to go to the hospital due to an OCD incident. It’s too horrible now. It’s unbearable 

[lily17]

It’s like I replay the moment and I see myself moving my leg with that intention and I didn’t have any thoughts. Then trying to figure out if I liked it (I think) and then checking if I touched his parts. I still don’t know if I liked the thing, I just think I had a groinal response before moving my leg which I’ve mentioned before...

Edited December 14, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

I’m at breaking point.

[PolarBear]

Repeatedly posting about obsessions is not going to bring you relief. 

You unnecessarily panic each time OCD strikes. To you each time is the worst it could be. To us its just more of the same old. And it should be for you too if you just stepped back and saw the same pattern we see.

 

[lily17]

7 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Repeatedly posting about obsessions is not going to bring you relief. 

You unnecessarily panic each time OCD strikes. To you each time is the worst it could be. To us its just more of the same old. And it should be for you too if you just stepped back and saw the same pattern we see.

 

The thing is that I’ve tried replaying the moment and I see myself having those intentions even though right before that moment I was telling my grandma how uncomfortable/scared I felt due to having intrusive feelings about the dog and then crossed my leg like... I have the feeling I did it with that sexual intention and it breaks my heart

[PolarBear]

Replaying the moment is a compulsion. It needs to stop.

[Caramoole]

I've got to ask you again Lily, what are you trying to do to change your reaction to these thoughts?  You've had lots of advice and explanations as to what's causing the fears and what you can do to try and change them.  I know it's very scary when it happens but using the advice and reassurance you've had, ultimately it requires a change in how you react and respond when they occur.....so what are you trying to do to change the reaction?  You need to have a plan in place.

[lily17]

I’m so done with the intrusions, I was thinking how there might be a possibility of this all being true and then breathed through my mouth after having thoughts to do it thinking of my mum to please myself and I was like... what the hell. I checked to see if I liked it, it was neutral I didn’t know if I liked that. Then I tested and no. But then again I was breathing and basically the same thoughts were going on and I was like “noooo” but then it seemed that I liked it. I didn’t choose to do it, I wasn’t up to it they just appear, freaking thoughts that look like my own I’m so done 

 

Edited December 15, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Replaying the moment is a compulsion. It needs to stop.

I need an answer I’m not going to get but I'm stuck at the moment...

[lily17]

10 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I've got to ask you again Lily, what are you trying to do to change your reaction to these thoughts?  You've had lots of advice and explanations as to what's causing the fears and what you can do to try and change them.  I know it's very scary when it happens but using the advice and reassurance you've had, ultimately it requires a change in how you react and respond when they occur.....so what are you trying to do to change the reaction?  You need to have a plan in place.

I’m scared to change the reaction it would be like as if I didn’t care breathing for those reasons thinking of my mum... and about my dog I just don’t know I can see myself having those intentions so it’s true even though I don’t remember if I was sexually pleased or not

[lily17]

If you don’t exactly remember what you thought then it’s likely those thoughts were intrusive, right? Cause I only remember having bad sexual thoughts about my mum during breathing