Does this sound typical of OCD? (First post here)

[Headwreck]

Hi. This is my first post here.

I'm not sure if this is OCD or guilt manifesting itself in another way. Basically I obsessed about my partner cheating and this went on for four years. During that four years, I got speaking to someone I worked with and ended up going on a night out and going back to a workmates house with him and a few others. The others stayed in the kitchen while me and him stayed in the living room. I remember parts of the night, ie what I put on the TV, being unimpressed at the fact he was using drugs etc. But I can't remember every part of the night and now I find I'm filling in the blanks. This happened two years ago.

I told my partner last year about the texting between me and this male from work. At the time I was adamant that nothing physical happened but now I'm thinking I'm lying to him and myself. I keep trying to play through the night, I remember being Sat on the couch with him (not up close), I remember going upstairs to the toilet, remember watching TV, remember going home, remember small bits such as people walking in and out of the room, but obviously there are parts I don't remember as maybe nothing relevant happened or I'm trying to block it out? I keep thinking maybe I done something sexual and forgot, what if I've blanked it out on purpose as I remember going home etc. so can't have been completely drunk? I did stop drinking when I got to the house, I remember getting there and the taxi ride there etc. along with people leaving etc.

I read these threads and part of me feels relief as it sounds like OCD but then I tell myself, what if it's not ocd and you're just making an excuse? I remember this guy shaking my hand as he left, but now I'm thinking that I made that up? He also sent a message the next day about how he wanted to kiss me but then I'm thinking maybe I've made that up too but I told my partner that last year so surely I didn't make it up to suit my story now? I've now started trying to remember memories/feelings about remembering this event if that makes sense. I've told my partner my worries, I keep saying I can't 100% tell him I haven't as I don't trust myself anymore. He has said he would leave if I ever cheated sexually, but he knows I haven't done anything as I would remember and wouldn't have to think about it. Can someone please give some advice or an opinion on this, it's making me ill? I was diagnosed with OCD when I was younger and it's manifested itself in many ways through my life usually in checking form, doubting if I've done certain things. I also suffer with depression and feel a lot more teary than usual since this worry has surfaced. My worry over my partner cheating has now completely disappeared and has been replaced with worry that I have cheated.

[Headwreck]

Sorry, forgot to say thanks for reading, understand this is quite long and may be incohesive at times. 

[Tanana]

Certainly sounds like ocd to me. I can relate to most of what you're saying. Replaying scenarios in your head to the point you Don't know if they are real or not and the needing to tell (confess) your partner everything are typical compulsions which are just making the whole situation worse.

Do you have the need to keep rethinking past scenarios over and over until they 'feel right' too?

[Headwreck]

Thanks for the response Tanana. Well, I have started replaying the memory of reading the text message which is becoming more and more difficult to do now because the more I envisage it the less real it is starting to feel to the point where I am now almost convinced that this didn't happen or I've imagined it. The only thing making me think it did is the fact I told my mum and partner about it last year. I've also noticed that I feel slightly better in the evenings, I still have a fast heartbeat etc. but the worry doesn't seem to distress me as much, and I sometimes feel relieved if I just tell myself that I did something bad. Does this ring any bells with anyone else? 

[PolarBear]

It's OCD. What you need to do is look at what's going on and figure out what your compulsions are and start to work hard on stopping them. Wracking your brain, trying to remember more, is a compulsion. Confessing your thoughts to people is a compulsion.

[Headwreck]

The absolute main compulsion is the ruminating. The confession side of it is not so strong at the moment although I do find weird solace sometimes in telling my partner how much I'm struggling, even if I don't go into the in's and out's of why, and seem to feel relief when I tell myself I've done something before I start to argue with myself again. My main concern is the fact that this may not be OCD and in actual fact it's just guilt and I'm allowing my partner to stay with me, how I could now be a cheat.

My last obsession lasted four years and was suddenly replaced with this, does this mean I'm stuck with this for years again, is there some kind of pattern that this follows? It's literally all I'm thinking about 24/7, affecting my work and how I socialise with others as my mind is so preoccupied that I can hardly hold a conversation. I've been on all kinds of anti depressants for my mood and nothing works, I live in the UK and treatment for mental health is abysmal. 

[Headwreck]

And thank you Polar Bear for your response, should have said that in my last post. Appreciate any support people offer. 

[Headwreck]

Anyone else have any input on this? 

[snowbear]

Hi Headwreck and welcome to the forum. 

Several things crossed my mind reading your posts, so I'll address each one by quoting bits. 

19 hours ago, Headwreck said:

My last obsession lasted four years and was suddenly replaced with this, does this mean I'm stuck with this for years again, is there some kind of pattern that this follows?

No. There's no reason for you to get stuck on this obsession. Some obsessions fade away as the things which concern you most in your everyday life change. With that approach you're dependent on time and external factors - basically however long it takes for a change of focus (change in priorities) to happen. It can be years! 

However, if you learn how OCD works and identify the patterns of thinking and behaviour, then with all new obsessions you can nip them in the bud and there's no reason for them to last even as much as a day. 

So step one is to learn all you can about OCD. Learn about how your reactions to thoughts lead to problems, recognise when you've slipped into these ways of thinking and practise changing your responses until it becomes second nature not to give your thoughts meanings they don't deserve.

On 14/12/2017 at 22:02, Headwreck said:

My worry over my partner cheating has now completely disappeared and has been replaced with worry that I have cheated.

This sort of shift in focus is common with OCD. Obsessions are always about whatever topical issue is playing on your mind, whatever feels like the biggest threat around.

Sounds to me like when the relationship was newer your biggest insecurity was your partner betraying you, but now the relationship is on more solid footing your fear is you'll do something to muck it up and lose the one you love. So your OCD shifted the goal posts accordingly. 

 

On 14/12/2017 at 22:02, Headwreck said:

I'm not sure if this is OCD or guilt manifesting itself in another way.

Rather than see them as opposing alternatives of 'genuine guilt' versus 'imaginative OCD' you need to understand the two go hand in hand. You obsess over things you would feel guilty about, which makes the guilt feel real, which makes you feel genuinely guilty until you can't tell what's real and what's imaginative 'filling in the gaps'.

 

On 14/12/2017 at 22:02, Headwreck said:

I keep trying to play through the night

 I've now started trying to remember memories/feelings about remembering this event 

I have started replaying the memory of reading the text message which is becoming more and more difficult to do now because the more I envisage it the less real it is starting to feel to the point where I am now almost convinced that this didn't happen or I've imagined it.

These are ruminating compulsions. The desire to work it out, to know for certain is strong, but you need to accept you will never have certainty on this and the harder you try to remember the more uncertain you're going to feel. The solution you've chosen has become part of the problem.

On 14/12/2017 at 22:02, Headwreck said:

I've told my partner my worries, 

it's manifested itself in many ways through my life usually in checking form

Confessing and checking are reassurance compulsions, but the more you seek reassurance the more doubt it creates. Again , the solution you've chosen has become part of the problem.

To turn things around you need to be able to recognise your compulsions and stop doing them. No ruminating, no memory checking, no self-reassurance, no confessing/checking with your partner. 

Instead of being determined to prove your guilt or innocence one way or the other, accept you may or may not have anything to feel guilty about - you have no clear memory so you'll never know. End of. Either way it's in the past and has no bearing on your life or relationship now (other than the ruminating you're doing which is keeping it alive.) Forgive yourself without knowing whether there's anything to forgive or not and let it go. 

Hanging onto the belief ''if I'm guilty I shouldn't be allowed to get away with it'' will only send you back round in the same endless circles. So you need to change this belief to something more realistic such as ''People make mistakes, it's allowed. They can be forgiven, I can be forgiven. What matters is what I do next, not worrying about the past.''

Have you been referred for any CBT? If not, you might find it useful to read a self-help book which outlines the CBT process. It can also teach you to recognise when you're giving your thoughts false meaning or interpreting them in negative and destructive ways.  A good one is Break Free from OCD. 

Hope that gives you enough to get started.  

[Headwreck]

Thank you so much for the very informative and detailed post, I really do appreciate it. I'll be honest, I'm really struggling today and feeling extremely anxious, my heart is beating so fast that it feels like it's in overdrive and I can't get my breath. I'm trying not to go through my usual thought process of "you did something" "but you can't rremember it so how do you know you did" "you were sure for years that you didn't to the point where you never thought about the night but what if you never thought about it because you knew you did and now you've forgotten what it was you did" "you made that text message up". I'm trying so hard to not think about this but it feels as though the fire is so burning in my mind and although I'm not throwing petrol on it right now, I'm still stood right next to it and feeling the heat, if that makes sense. 

What if this isn't OCD but I'm using it as a cover to convince myself? I've read up so much about it, what if I'm using the knowledge I've found subconsciously and adapting my behaviour to suit? I don't know, I'm sorry this all feels like ruminations in writing and I know that is frowned upon so I'll stop. 

You mentioned CBT, have you had any kind of treatment and did you find it helpful? I am based in the UK and the assistance I've had from the NHS has not been great at all to the point where I was placed on waiting lists for half a year and by the time I was given an appointment, it was impossible for me to attend as I have work commitments and I was also ok enough to function (whereas at the time of asking for the support I was struggling a great deal).

Love the idea of trying not to feed my compulsions (mine are the ruminating, replaying the scene to try and remember blocks of night I can't remember, filling said blocks of night, arguing for and against in my head, trying to remember this text message and reading it (the text is the key to the whole thing as it proves nothing went on but I've started to believe it doesn't exist even though I've told people for years about it) but I really don't know where to start when it comes to stopping? Are there any tips or ways to do this as I know all this thought is getting me nowhere and if I could just step away from this for a few weeks I'd probably be able to look at the whole thing rationally instead of picking it to the bone.

My partner has begged me to stop looking for evidence from the night and just let us live (I've contacted people from the night who I've not spoken to in years, even the guy in question who blocked me contacting him which made my anxiety go through the roof, I've had my mobile phone provider send me phone bills so I can try and create a time line and get my bearings time wise, I've even gone as far as confessing I've done it which felt good but when he asks what I did I don't know or remember). I try to seem like I'm not struggling with this but I absolutely am, I feel suicidal but numb as well, like I can act ok but feel really distressed inside. I have no clue how to go about stopping this, where do I start process wise both mentally and for private treatment?

I'm so sorry the post is so long but appreciate anyone who reads it and responds with some support and advice, I'm trying my best not to sit here in tears and really don't know what to do, feel so trapped, disgusting, undeserving of anything good. 

[Headwreck]

Anybody? Just need a bit of support at the moment. 

[lostinme]

Hi headwreck so sorry to hear your struggling at the moment 

I know it’s difficult at the moment for you, but trust me it’s achievable to do. I havnt spent any time at all ruminating for the last 6 months. 

Polar bear as put a great video on the forum which you will find helpful, it’s in the OCD in the media section. I also put one on in the OCD members only section that you may also find useful. 

Hopefully by seeing and reading these you might find them helpful, 

Best wishes, lost 

[Tanana]

I (and everyone else on this forum) know and understand what you're going through. It is really tough but there are no easy answers. Guys on this forum often talk about taking that 'leap of faith'.  When I'm really struggling I often remind myself of this. It goes against all our instincts but we just have to do it.

Another thing I've found that helps: when you're stuck in the middle of one big rumination that keeps taking you round and round in circles - just stop for a second and tell yourself you are going to leave these thoughts alone for a couple of hours. Set a time when you'll allow yourself to 'think' about it again. When I've done this in the past I sometimes find it is much easier to think rationally second time around.

Good luck.

[Headwreck]

Thanks both for your replies. This forum is so helpful and everyone is so supportive even though they have issues of their own so can only thank everyone again. I'l sdefinitely have a look at the videos. 

I've noticed that the anxiety seems to subside late at night, I still have the thought but it's as though I'm numb to it even though I still believe I've done something bad which concerns me as it's as though I don't care anymore. Even though this happens I know the next day it'll be back to square one and usually with a vengeance during the morning and mid afternoon. Has anyone else found this to be a characteristic? 

[lostinme]

I would like to share with you my experience on how I stopped ruminating. I suffered with ruminating 24/7. 

Ruminating is something I would say all of us have done over and over again.

To me ruminating is an evil part of OCD and is a compulsion we do to elleviate our distress caused by an intrusive thought that pops into our head and even though this only lasts around 2 seconds, the ruminating can last for hours and at times even days.

To stop ruminating takes a lot of hard work, determination and perseverance .

Starting to work on stopping ruminating we need to work out the difference between a worry and ruminating. A worry is predicting what may happen in the future or an upcoming event, where as ruminating is we focus on a past event. 

Ruminating is going over something in your mind over and over again re observation and consequence, coming up with no suitable solution or answer.

Before starting to work on not ruminating we need to learn when we are ruminating. 

At first it can be difficult to recognise when you are doing it because both obsessions and ruminating both occur in our mind.

Ruminating is going over something over and over again and replaying it over and over again in your mind and seeing it from every angle and still finding no solutions. 

When we react to a intrusive thought (obsession) and start ruminating a (compulsion) we actually strengthen our belief, this actually keeps the thought going and makes it stronger and causes us more distress. We have no control over our obsessive thoughts but we have over the way we react to them. Ruminating is a mental compulsion that can't be seen and is a mental ritual we do at times quite automatic.

The hardest part is to notice when you are ruminating and stopping as soon as you realise. At times you will catch yourself ruminating and are often unaware your doing it but that's ok just stop as soon as you realise, however at times when you first start you may not always be able to resist not ruminating. This is ok too because over a period of time it actually teaches you, you will begin to see a pattern regardless of the obsession that no matter how long you spend ruminating you never find a solution or an answer, but rather eventually you have no choice but to live with the doubt of never knowing thus letting it go, reducing the anxiety and fear associated with it, until next time and the viscous cycle starts again, so eventually you learn that after hours of ruminating torture your brain actually accepts the fact you will never know and you have to live with the doubt anyway. So at the times you find it to difficult to resist the compulsion to ruminate you actually begin to see a pattern that no matter how many times you go over and over it again or no matter how many hours you do it that you never find the answer, thus showing you it's a pointless task. 

So with this evidence and noticing the same pattern you start to realise that ruminating is a pointless task. You learn to live with the doubt of never knowing and living with the uncertainty without hours or days of ruminating because you will still end up living with the doubt of never knowing or getting a answer or solution anyway. So it is good to have setbacks when you first try to stop ruminating because it teaches you that even after hours of ruminating you accept the doubt of never knowing any way, thus it proves more that it is a pointless task making you more determined not to waste any more time ruminating. 

It takes lots of practice and doesn't happen over night, but over time you will learn how to stop ruminating and at times when you catch yourself beginning to, you will remember why it is a pointless task and you will continue on with your day. 

Not ruminating is likely to raise your anxiety temporarily but only short term, it will take hard work, determination and perseverance but it is possible to do. 

Hope you find this helpful 

Best wishes 

Lost

 

[lostinme]

1 minute ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks both for your replies. This forum is so helpful and everyone is so supportive even though they have issues of their own so can only thank everyone again. I'l sdefinitely have a look at the videos. 

I've noticed that the anxiety seems to subside late at night, I still have the thought but it's as though I'm numb to it even though I still believe I've done something bad which concerns me as it's as though I don't care anymore. Even though this happens I know the next day it'll be back to square one and usually with a vengeance during the morning and mid afternoon. Has anyone else found this to be a characteristic? 

Yes unfortunately it’s a viscous cycle. You have to learn to accept the uncertainty of never knowing the answer and leaving it be. What has gone is in the past it’s done and gone. Seeing things as it’s a possibility I might well have done it, but it’s also a possibility I might not have done it, learning to live with uncertainty of never knowing. 

Hope this makes sense 

[St Mike]

20 hours ago, lostinme said:

I would like to share with you my experience on how I stopped ruminating. I suffered with ruminating 24/7. 

Ruminating is something I would say all of us have done over and over again.

To me ruminating is an evil part of OCD and is a compulsion we do to elleviate our distress caused by an intrusive thought that pops into our head and even though this only lasts around 2 seconds, the ruminating can last for hours and at times even days.

To stop ruminating takes a lot of hard work, determination and perseverance .

Starting to work on stopping ruminating we need to work out the difference between a worry and ruminating. A worry is predicting what may happen in the future or an upcoming event, where as ruminating is we focus on a past event. 

Ruminating is going over something in your mind over and over again re observation and consequence, coming up with no suitable solution or answer.

Before starting to work on not ruminating we need to learn when we are ruminating. 

At first it can be difficult to recognise when you are doing it because both obsessions and ruminating both occur in our mind.

Ruminating is going over something over and over again and replaying it over and over again in your mind and seeing it from every angle and still finding no solutions. 

When we react to a intrusive thought (obsession) and start ruminating a (compulsion) we actually strengthen our belief, this actually keeps the thought going and makes it stronger and causes us more distress. We have no control over our obsessive thoughts but we have over the way we react to them. Ruminating is a mental compulsion that can't be seen and is a mental ritual we do at times quite automatic.

The hardest part is to notice when you are ruminating and stopping as soon as you realise. At times you will catch yourself ruminating and are often unaware your doing it but that's ok just stop as soon as you realise, however at times when you first start you may not always be able to resist not ruminating. This is ok too because over a period of time it actually teaches you, you will begin to see a pattern regardless of the obsession that no matter how long you spend ruminating you never find a solution or an answer, but rather eventually you have no choice but to live with the doubt of never knowing thus letting it go, reducing the anxiety and fear associated with it, until next time and the viscous cycle starts again, so eventually you learn that after hours of ruminating torture your brain actually accepts the fact you will never know and you have to live with the doubt anyway. So at the times you find it to difficult to resist the compulsion to ruminate you actually begin to see a pattern that no matter how many times you go over and over it again or no matter how many hours you do it that you never find the answer, thus showing you it's a pointless task. 

So with this evidence and noticing the same pattern you start to realise that ruminating is a pointless task. You learn to live with the doubt of never knowing and living with the uncertainty without hours or days of ruminating because you will still end up living with the doubt of never knowing or getting a answer or solution anyway. So it is good to have setbacks when you first try to stop ruminating because it teaches you that even after hours of ruminating you accept the doubt of never knowing any way, thus it proves more that it is a pointless task making you more determined not to waste any more time ruminating. 

It takes lots of practice and doesn't happen over night, but over time you will learn how to stop ruminating and at times when you catch yourself beginning to, you will remember why it is a pointless task and you will continue on with your day. 

Not ruminating is likely to raise your anxiety temporarily but only short term, it will take hard work, determination and perseverance but it is possible to do. 

Hope you find this helpful 

Best wishes 

Lost

 

Thanks for sharing, Lost. 

[Headwreck]

21 hours ago, lostinme said:

I would like to share with you my experience on how I stopped ruminating. I suffered with ruminating 24/7. 

Ruminating is something I would say all of us have done over and over again.

To me ruminating is an evil part of OCD and is a compulsion we do to elleviate our distress caused by an intrusive thought that pops into our head and even though this only lasts around 2 seconds, the ruminating can last for hours and at times even days.

To stop ruminating takes a lot of hard work, determination and perseverance .

Starting to work on stopping ruminating we need to work out the difference between a worry and ruminating. A worry is predicting what may happen in the future or an upcoming event, where as ruminating is we focus on a past event. 

Ruminating is going over something in your mind over and over again re observation and consequence, coming up with no suitable solution or answer.

Before starting to work on not ruminating we need to learn when we are ruminating. 

At first it can be difficult to recognise when you are doing it because both obsessions and ruminating both occur in our mind.

Ruminating is going over something over and over again and replaying it over and over again in your mind and seeing it from every angle and still finding no solutions. 

When we react to a intrusive thought (obsession) and start ruminating a (compulsion) we actually strengthen our belief, this actually keeps the thought going and makes it stronger and causes us more distress. We have no control over our obsessive thoughts but we have over the way we react to them. Ruminating is a mental compulsion that can't be seen and is a mental ritual we do at times quite automatic.

The hardest part is to notice when you are ruminating and stopping as soon as you realise. At times you will catch yourself ruminating and are often unaware your doing it but that's ok just stop as soon as you realise, however at times when you first start you may not always be able to resist not ruminating. This is ok too because over a period of time it actually teaches you, you will begin to see a pattern regardless of the obsession that no matter how long you spend ruminating you never find a solution or an answer, but rather eventually you have no choice but to live with the doubt of never knowing thus letting it go, reducing the anxiety and fear associated with it, until next time and the viscous cycle starts again, so eventually you learn that after hours of ruminating torture your brain actually accepts the fact you will never know and you have to live with the doubt anyway. So at the times you find it to difficult to resist the compulsion to ruminate you actually begin to see a pattern that no matter how many times you go over and over it again or no matter how many hours you do it that you never find the answer, thus showing you it's a pointless task. 

So with this evidence and noticing the same pattern you start to realise that ruminating is a pointless task. You learn to live with the doubt of never knowing and living with the uncertainty without hours or days of ruminating because you will still end up living with the doubt of never knowing or getting a answer or solution anyway. So it is good to have setbacks when you first try to stop ruminating because it teaches you that even after hours of ruminating you accept the doubt of never knowing any way, thus it proves more that it is a pointless task making you more determined not to waste any more time ruminating. 

It takes lots of practice and doesn't happen over night, but over time you will learn how to stop ruminating and at times when you catch yourself beginning to, you will remember why it is a pointless task and you will continue on with your day. 

Not ruminating is likely to raise your anxiety temporarily but only short term, it will take hard work, determination and perseverance but it is possible to do. 

Hope you find this helpful 

Best wishes 

Lost

 

Thank you very much for this, sorry for the late 'thank you' but I thought I had responded yesterday! Anyway  I have tried to keep your post in mind today, woke with the usual anxiety but was able to push away from it and get on with my day to a point. Feeling quite flat, the thoughts aren't in the forefront but they're still lurking somewhere enough to taint my mood and thought.  

Just to add to this, I've found I'm actually quite scared to think about what I've been obsessing about. I know it's there and can still feel it festering but I can't bring myself to think about it right now. Is this normal, what is this? 

Edited December 17, 2017 by Headwreck

[HDC]

1 hour ago, St Mike said:

Thanks for sharing, Lost. 

I suppose rumination/ worry can combine? As you can ruminate about whether something is going to happen one day and go over it again and again trying to work it out and never can...  

[St Mike]

19 hours ago, HDC said:

I suppose rumination/ worry can combine? As you can ruminate about whether something is going to happen one day and go over it again and again trying to work it out and never can...  

I believe that they are close cousins. There is alot written about the similarities between worry and rumination. I accept Lost's explanation. Based on what you have described, I won't say that they can combine, they should be classified differently based on the end results of the actions conducted in response to their occurrence because worries are based on matters that are valid and resolvable while rumination can't resolve anything. Then again, since I am quite new to psychology, this is just my personal view and am quite ready to be stand corrected if I am wrong. 

 

 

[Lisa davis]

20 hours ago, HDC said:

 

51 minutes ago, St Mike said:

 

Edited December 18, 2017 by Lisa davis
Sorry guys rered and didn't make sense x

[Skullpops]

On 15 December 2017 at 00:42, PolarBear said:

It's OCD. What you need to do is look at what's going on and figure out what your compulsions are and start to work hard on stopping them. Wracking your brain, trying to remember more, is a compulsion. Confessing your thoughts to people is a compulsion.

PolarBear,

That last sentence has been a huge lightbulb moment for me. I've been really struggling with the urge to confess. Is this a common OCD thing? 

[efes]

On 12/19/2017 at 01:59, Skullpops said:

PolarBear,

That last sentence has been a huge lightbulb moment for me. I've been really struggling with the urge to confess. Is this a common OCD thing? 

Same.