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Panic. Stress. Help/Advice Please!


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So here goes the long post, I’ll really appreciate if anyone takes the time to read it.

I’ve previously been on the forum and it has helped me to learn a lot about OCD and get myself better, I’m much much better than when I was when I first started to grasp what OCD was, so basically my OCD tends to manifest around various themes, these themes being: Harm OCD, POCD, Fears/worry’s of schizophrenia and going mad/being locked away, false memory’s and doubt from past times, magical thinking, Relationship OCD and pretty much worry’s about anything and everything in day to day life. I’ve previously been refered to CBT in which I was placed on a waiting list this time last Christmas, come the new year I received around 8 or so therapy sessions which helped me a lot to gain a good insight into OCD and taught me how to deal/cope with the illness. However I find myself back on the forum after a good few months of recovery and I’ve felt a sharp increase in my anxiety and a huge huge spike in my intrusive thoughts to the point were I am panicking and feeling like I am falling back into the trap I was once in of not being able to cope with the thoughts and I am in need of a bit of help and reassurance. 

So Ive recently just started my new job last month within retail and with it coming upto Christmas the shop floor gets very very busy especially when working on the till and interacting with so many people it can be rather stressful and a lot to take in at times. The thing that has set off my OCD is working on the same floor within the children’swear etc section this has been a huge trigger to my Intrusive thoughts surrounding POCD and the past 3 weeks have been a nightmare for me. I’ve felt so sick and disgusted in myself an I just can’t find a way to get past the thoughts at all, the thoughts jus5 won’t stop its one after another then on and on and I get a sick panicky feeling in my stomach my mind just goes into overdrive we’re i can’t think straight and I start making mistakes it’s been horrendous, I feel like even when I see a child no matter what age I can’t bring myself to look at them, it’s always either about harm or sexual thoughts and it’s making me feel like a sick horrible person I’m so down and out and I just know I haven’t been my usual self I don’t even want to go out on the weekend. Ive tried my best to block out the thoughts but they’re so rude and in detail that I feel so so upset and doubt myself I keep thinking I’m enjoying the thoughts and that I’m gonna turn into some evil monster, I keep panicking because the thoughts I keep having are so in depth and ones that I’ve never experienced that I can’t even block them out or let them pass, I honestly feel like curling up and crying I’m scared it’s ruining the up and coming Christmas time. I’ve recently just started my therapy again but this time with a new therapist and that hasn’t helped it’s given me a huge amount of anxiety as I have to open up to yet another therapist and I’m scared to mention some of the thoughts im having, I keep trying to research but I can’t find anything similar and it’s making me panic thinking my intrusive thoughts aren’t normal. I keep worrying myself sick about arousal too checking and im scared that I have been I just keep doubting myself it’s horrendous, I don’t wanna tell my loved ones the same thoughts over and over again because I’ve told them the POCD thoughts months ago and don’t want to go over it, I’ve just explained I’m having a hard time and feel alone in myself but I kept wanting/ feeling the need to confess to gain some sort of reassurance, I just can’t cope at the moment or think straight. 

Sorry for the long post but I’m really having a bad time and need some support/ help. Any advice would be much appreciated, thanks. 

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1 hour ago, Kieran523 said:

I’ve recently just started my therapy again but this time with a new therapist and that hasn’t helped it’s given me a huge amount of anxiety as I have to open up to yet another therapist and I’m scared to mention some of the thoughts im having,

Don't worry about telling your therapist ALL your thoughts. They will have probably heard them before by other people with OCD or similar. In fact I believe you must in order to take the importance out of them. They are not a guilty secret - they are symptoms of a treatable illness. Bring them into the light so that you can work on it all authentically.

you find it hard to open up to therapists. I understand this but the only person in therapy you are really opening up to is yourself. This is a great opportunity for you to overcome the pain and suffering of OCD. I really wish you the best and the strength to continue. I am sorry for what's happening to you at the moment.

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51 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Hi Kieran,

I'm a complete mess right now so probably not the best person to offer any advice, I didn't want to read and run though. Hopefully another member will come along soon and be more helpful than me ?

Hi, thank you for the support I appreciate it, it’s a hard time but it’ll pass. Hope you get yourself on the mend soon 

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17 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

Don't worry about telling your therapist ALL your thoughts. They will have probably heard them before by other people with OCD or similar. In fact I believe you must in order to take the importance out of them. They are not a guilty secret - they are symptoms of a treatable illness. Bring them into the light so that you can work on it all authentically.

you find it hard to open up to therapists. I understand this but the only person in therapy you are really opening up to is yourself. This is a great opportunity for you to overcome the pain and suffering of OCD. I really wish you the best and the strength to continue. I am sorry for what's happening to you at the moment.

Hi Jennie, I understand I just think it’s the fact it’s a new therapist and feels fresh opening up again and also quite awkward inside they don’t know how to take me. I just keep doubting myself that it’s even OCD like asif the thoughts are too in detail it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

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14 minutes ago, Kieran523 said:

Hi, thank you for the support I appreciate it, it’s a hard time but it’ll pass. Hope you get yourself on the mend soon 

No problem ? Just had my medication increased today so here's hoping. 

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I think you need to treat this as a completely predictable OCD theme. Many people with OCD have this theme. You are not unusual. I had intrusive thoughts about sexually abusing my baby. Very very disturbing and distressing at the time. It lasted a number of years in different forms.  In the end I just started agreeing with my thoughts and carried on life as normal. The theme disappeared pretty quickly once I said "ok I am a monster never mind". This may seem morally, totally wrong. It may seem like giving in and letting yourself become a monster. But actually it has the opposite effect. This is because your problem is not that you're attracted to children or want to harm them, your problem is the meaning you give to the thoughts and the terror that results. The thoughts will go away when you stop thinking they mean something.

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Well Kieran, when it comes right down to it, you're doing everything wrong. Just like all OCD sufferers.

There's two things you are doing wrong: you are freaking out about thoughts and you are doing compulsions.

Don't concern yourself that your Googling has netted you not one story similar to yours. First because sufferers are generally loathe to discuss the exact nature of the thoughts and second because intrusive thoughts are individual. Trust me that millions of people suffer from thoughts/images/urges involving sex and children.

As for your compulsions, Googling is a no no. So is confessing your thoughts and seeking reassurance from others. Likely your biggest compulsion is ruminating, with some avoidance of children thrown in.

You think you need to do compulsions to feel better and safe but they dont work that way. What they do is reinforce in your mind that the thoughts should be given attention, which results in more intrusive thoughts in the future.

They are just thoughts. As vile and disgusting as they are, they are just thoughts and don't mean anything. You're allowed to ignore them.

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21 hours ago, JennieWren said:

I think you need to treat this as a completely predictable OCD theme. Many people with OCD have this theme. You are not unusual. I had intrusive thoughts about sexually abusing my baby. Very very disturbing and distressing at the time. It lasted a number of years in different forms.  In the end I just started agreeing with my thoughts and carried on life as normal. The theme disappeared pretty quickly once I said "ok I am a monster never mind". This may seem morally, totally wrong. It may seem like giving in and letting yourself become a monster. But actually it has the opposite effect. This is because your problem is not that you're attracted to children or want to harm them, your problem is the meaning you give to the thoughts and the terror that results. The thoughts will go away when you stop thinking they mean something.

 

 

20 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Well Kieran, when it comes right down to it, you're doing everything wrong. Just like all OCD sufferers.

There's two things you are doing wrong: you are freaking out about thoughts and you are doing compulsions.

Don't concern yourself that your Googling has netted you not one story similar to yours. First because sufferers are generally loathe to discuss the exact nature of the thoughts and second because intrusive thoughts are individual. Trust me that millions of people suffer from thoughts/images/urges involving sex and children.

As for your compulsions, Googling is a no no. So is confessing your thoughts and seeking reassurance from others. Likely your biggest compulsion is ruminating, with some avoidance of children thrown in.

You think you need to do compulsions to feel better and safe but they dont work that way. What they do is reinforce in your mind that the thoughts should be given attention, which results in more intrusive thoughts in the future.

They are just thoughts. As vile and disgusting as they are, they are just thoughts and don't mean anything. You're allowed to ignore them.

I’m just finding the thoughts really hard to accept and deal with, ive been at this stage before so I know what I need to do but it’s just so distressing and I keep thinking the thoughts I’m having are different to any one else’s. i just don’t wanna go into depth about the thoughts telling my loved ones.

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Hi Kieran I just want to let you know that your theme is really common and I too am a sufferer and have a similar theme. I managed to avoid children for nearly twenty years and now I have a new niece that I am struggling to interact with. I am in CBT though and I am lucky to have found some good help aswell as tho amazing site. There is no reason you cannot get some great help with this and live a much better quality of life whilst addressing your OCD. Thinking of you my friend, stay strong x

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On 18/12/2017 at 09:09, Nikki79 said:

Hi Kieran I just want to let you know that your theme is really common and I too am a sufferer and have a similar theme. I managed to avoid children for nearly twenty years and now I have a new niece that I am struggling to interact with. I am in CBT though and I am lucky to have found some good help aswell as tho amazing site. There is no reason you cannot get some great help with this and live a much better quality of life whilst addressing your OCD. Thinking of you my friend, stay strong x

Thanks for the kind words means a lot

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