My OCD

[Tombarratt1]

Hello everyone, my name is Tom. I am 20 years old and live in Hertfordshire. I’m not on here posting this because I want to feel sorry for myself, I just want support and maybe suggestions.

For the past 7 years from when I was 13 years old I have had such an excruciating time as an OCD sufferer. I felt I have been through a really hard time, especially now at the age of 20 where I know I need to seek a job somewhere and start providing for myself and even for my family, etc. But I’ve literally been unable to move myself out of my flat unless I have some sort of company from someone else whilst I’m in my flat trying to get ready to go out (I’m in supported living accommodation just so you know) but I’ve really been struggling all this time to get out of it after numerous professionals visiting me to give help, numerous visits to many places where OCD can be treated. Such as CBT, transcrainial magnetic brain stimulation, counselling, etc. I’ve even lived away from home in an adolescent care unit at the age of 17 for a while but that didn’t work specifically for my OCD.

The strange thing is, whenever I’m out and about in public areas, I can be fine and can manage my OCD pretty well. But when I’m in my own flat or when I’m in a more private area, my OCD is much much worse. There are so many severely distressing obsessive thoughts I get (such as my mind telling me I’m gay/bent or bisexual or transgender when I know and believe that I’m not any of those. Or having dreadful thoughts of having hatred for my parents and wanting to kill family members, etc). Then there are the compulsions after the trigger of the thoughts which totally exhaust me and make me so tired since the complusions are quite straining and very physical. (Such as having uncontrollable urges to go in and out of doorways, pick up and drop things from the floor repetitively, having to make odd body movements mainly in my arms legs neck and even facial movements). 

Im really not sure what to do anymore. I feel like me and my family are all running out of ideas and solutions. I feel worthless, tearful, suicidal almost every day of my life just by thinking or even talking about my OCD with anyone. I just wish I could somehow manage my OCD properly and affectively and just be like everyone else. I just wish to live a happy and comfortable live but I’m doubting whether that will ever happen. I feel like I might even end up in a wheelchair because the OCD is that bad at the moment. 

I’m just trying here to reach out to any of you who could understand me and see what you could do for me or how you could help me in some sort of way. The only real things I’ve tried are techniques such as taking in deep breathes then blowing out, I’ve tried sitting still on something and clutching my head whilst making moaning noises to myself as some sort of relief mechanism. But I don’t think they’ve ever really worked that well. 

I hope you can all understand this post and can reply with some support for me as much as possible. But whatever I do, I just don’t want to drive myself over the edge because it would totally break my family. Especially my mum and dad, who help me through everything and I care so much about them and love them to the moon and back. 

Please help me. Kind regards.

Tom

[PolarBear]

Well hello Tom and welcome to the forum.

You are not alone. There are many people here who have disrupted lives because of OCD. And we try to help all of them.

You've been through CBT but it obviously didn't stick. CBT , with or without medication, is the gold standard treatment for OCD. All the other things you've tried aren't worth two farts in a front pan. It may be that you weren't taught the correct way. I don't know. But you need to line up more CBT with a qualified therapist. In the mean time we'll help.

Holding your head and moaning... stop it. It's just replacing one compulsion with another and I'm sure it's not helping. So don't do it.

Relax. Do your best each day and we'll  start to help you unravel the mystery of the disorder that has you in its grip.

OCD is not a life sentence, if you choose wisely. I am fully recovered after suffering for 40 years. You can get to a better place.