Dealing with guilt

[kirby42]

When I was about 20 years old I did something I regret. I never set out to do it, but it happened. Not many people know about it apart from my family, 3 close friends and some doctors.

I got real bad after it, had to be brought to hospital twice and be sedated because i had suicidal thoughts and huge panic attacks.

 

It still eats me up a little from time to time. It fuels my depression and anxiety. What can I do?

[OceanDweller]

Hi kirby. Guilt is akin to any other negative emotion in that it requires processing in order for the sufferer to move on. You say you were hospitalised following the event. Have you subsequently received therapy specifically to address the guilt? I myself have behaved intolerably at times, largely as a consequence of years of drug addiction. In sobriety, I forgive myself. Completely. Because I’m a brand new dude these days. And, irrespective of the crime, nobody deserves to spend the one life they’re gifted crippled by regret.

[gingerbreadgirl]

2 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi kirby. Guilt is akin to any other negative emotion in that it requires processing in order for the sufferer to move on. You say you were hospitalised following the event. Have you subsequently received therapy specifically to address the guilt? I myself have behaved intolerably at times, largely as a consequence of years of drug addiction. In sobriety, I forgive myself. Completely. Because I’m a brand new dude these days. And, irrespective of the crime, nobody deserves to spend the one life they’re gifted crippled by regret.

This is great and so true.

[kirby42]

Thanks. I always held myself to a very high standard in everything that I did so that mistake really crushed me and all the OCD and intrusive thoughts that followed nearly ended my life. I don't want to go into details about the incident itself, but when I told my friends they laughed and joked about it, my mother says I'm stupid and just need to forget about it and all of the medical professionals I saw didn't make a big deal out of it. I never set out to do anything bad. Still though, it's often on my mind. 

Edited January 21, 2018 by kirby42

[bruces]

Guilt and regret are awful 

[OceanDweller]

I think it’s important to recognise that it’s not what happens to us throughout our lives that defines how we feel, it’s the way in which we respond. Nobody has to live with a lifetime of guilt and regret. They simply have to be prepared to work (often through therapy) to process it. We are only slaves to our emotions if we allow ourselves to be.

[kirby42]

How would you suggest dealing with it oceandweller?

I've been trying not to think about it and I tell myself "guilt is useless, I can't change the past, move forward, do better".

[OceanDweller]

2 minutes ago, kirby42 said:

How would you suggest dealing with it oceandweller?

I've been trying not to think about it and I tell myself "guilt is useless, I can't change the past, move forward, do better".

If you’re struggling to process the guilt, I would suggest engaging in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Often we can’t just ‘will’ ourselves well. We need professional input to help us better manage our thoughts, and thus our emotions and behaviour.

[kirby42]

I've done cbt before but that was for intrusive thoughts, not for guilt. Don't think I could afford a second go of it unfortunately...

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, kirby42 said:

I've done cbt before but that was for intrusive thoughts, not for guilt. Don't think I could afford a second go of it unfortunately...

Hi Kirby,

CBT sessions may not be needed. What you're looking for is officially called 'Compassion Therapy' but what it boils down to is you need to learn how to forgive yourself, how to be more rational about your self-judgements, and how to treat yourself the way you treat others. A self-help guide should be able to take you through the process for a fraction of the cost and if you get stuck you still have the option of going to a therapist later.

You may also wish to look into 'Mindfulness-based compassion therapy' which is much the same thing, but combined with/coming from a Mindfulness approach. 

[kirby42]

That sounds very interesting snowbear, are there any books in particular that you'd recommend?

[snowbear]

I can't recommend a book I haven't read, Kirby. Best idea is probably to browse the synopsis and reviews on Amazon, see if any of the books in that category appeal to you. 

[paradoxer]

OCD guilt isn't real guilt. It's a far worse simulacrum. Real guilt never feels as bad. 

[snowbear]

30 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

OCD guilt isn't real guilt. Real guilt never feels as bad. 

How do you know, Paradoxer?

30 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

It's far worse

Again, how do you know? This may be true for you in your circumstances with your OCD-related guilt and your personal guilt, but you can't make a sweeping statement as if it's true for everybody.

Personally I think OCD-related guilt can be trivial compared to guilt caused by real things you've done and know you've done and have to live with - no uncertainty, no getting off the hook by assigning the guilt to OCD thoughts. At least with OCD-related guilt it goes away when you fix your skewed thinking and realise the guilt was unfounded. 

 

[paradoxer]

On 1/21/2018 at 17:23, snowbear said:

How do you know, Paradoxer?

Again, how do you know? This may be true for you in your circumstances with your OCD-related guilt and your personal guilt, but you can't make a sweeping statement as if it's true for everybody.

Personally I think OCD-related guilt can be trivial compared to guilt caused by real things you've done and know you've done and have to live with - no uncertainty, no getting off the hook by assigning the guilt to OCD thoughts. At least with OCD-related guilt it goes away when you fix your skewed thinking and realise the guilt was unfounded. 

 

To summarize, OCD guilt strikes me as creating an over-ideation, an exaggerated  ... shock to the system - variation of guilt. For example, perhaps it's not unreasonable to feel guilty about that cat you kicked 15 years ago - but by the time OCD's done with it, it's excruciating, disproportionate. One's 'non OCD self' may feel vaguely guilty - but if OCD kicks in, it's severe. Hence, a fraud. I think it's apparent that many OCD sufferers are well aware that part of their thinking is skewed, and only too cognizant of its irrationality. That awareness alone, isn't perhaps enough to make the symptoms of OCD vanish. Anyway, just my proverbial. It's not a bad thing to kick these things around (no pun) - even if we disagree.