New hell

[luna blue]

Hello dear sufferers and ex sufferers,

Here I go.... I am suffering from post natal ocd that has slowly changed into pocd as well, for about a year now. I want to share my story because I cannot hold it in anymore. This idea that I am the most horrible, disgusting person and its just a matter of time before I do/did something horrible to my child is haunting me from morning till night. 

I wake up and it starts - did I do something in my sleep? Did he touched me accidentally inappropriately? Did I get aroused ? What was this thing last week? And so on....You know the drill.

The thing is I never knew I had OCD. Never. Imagine my horror when I started having intrusive thoughts when I was pregnant? I was shocked and I could not do anything! I would just lay and watch tv all the day just to be distracted. I was paralysed inside as there was no escape from these horrible all consuming images.

At the beginning it started with my husband- he was the one committing horrible crimes in my head. Sexual crimes. And I was afraid, and I would torture him " Are you sure you are not a.....? ( I can write the p.... word with slight anxiety but I don't want to make others upset and I don't know the rules of behaviour at this forum , so i ll avoid it for now out of respect.) He would look at me like I fell from the moon - he was hurt and shocked but I would cry, desperately trying to get away from these thoughts. I guess he felt sorry for me and he tried to understand. Then I said to myself " ok I am for sure not a p.... let me have these thoughts about me at least , let me change the focus at least.'' And then it began - new hell!

I will spare you the details. My baby was born 4,5 weeks earlier. Imagine the guilt... I felt as if my thoughts have pushed him away from me. As if he was disgusted by me. We drove to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was frightened and sure I would have a c section ( I am 35 so I did the math). When I arrived to the hospital I was focused and pure on the survival instinct. adrenalin was holding me together. I had to have a shot for his lungs to develop, because he was born a bit earlier,  and wait 12 hours. Then I went into labour.10 hours later - c section. 

I was exhausted and frightened. In 2008-2010 I lost my father, my brother, my best friend and my stepfather. Fear of death was looming around me as I was laying on that table in the operation room. I was so empty ... I had no energy to be happy or exited.... Months of hell had exhausted me already ... And I was alone in this. I didn't tell anyone not even my husband that I was experiencing this. Shame and guilt , those two evil shadows following you everywhere you go....(  Except those few time I suspected him in being a p......... and asked him fo reassurance and he would calm me down, nobody knew that I was being tortured by my mind so much.) When I saw my baby few hours later, small with tubes inside a glas box, my heart broke.... I put all my power so that he would survive. I started breastfeeding and I was there for him all the time. He was getting stronger and stronger and I was getting happier and happier. Then I went home and he stayed at the hospital for ten days more. It was horrible - coming home without him, pain in the breasts, waking up and driving one hour by tram to the hospital , nurturing, getting extra milk and going home. In the evening again. 4 hours on the road with a lot of pain in the c section cut but completely motivated to give him the best I could!

And then we went home and all hell broke loose - ocd came like never ever anything I could imagine! Breastfeeding and sexual arousal that sometimes accompanies it , which is totally normal, was convincing my ocd in my ''true nature'' -  i was a pervert, a sick woman, i didn't deserved to live,  I will end up in prison ,.......

I was literally dying all alone while pretending I was the happiest mom and having the worst images in my head. Not only sexual but also violent images. From morning till night. And fear. Constant fear I will do something to him.  Nobody knew what was happening.

I turned to internet. Slowly, frightened of what I would find out, I started gathering information . One message per week! First I discovered that to get aroused from breastfeeding is actually normal. Then I discovered ( psychological articles ) that having violent thoughts is a good sing, a sign of love and your mind just so overwhelmed with protection that it paints the most horrible images so you can balance it out, as a reaction) ,The moment i said to myself those thoughts are good - they were gone! I can have them once a month but thats  it.  The problem with sexual thoughts - no way you can convince yourself that those thoughts are a sign of love. So you fight a battle you cannot win. And that stayed. I discovered I had post natal ocd in one month later. I was so happy! Alone and i couldnt share my joy but I was happy! I felt relief and I started calling all therapists. No one had place or you had to wait 3 month!!!! Finally I got an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialises in mother baby relationship. We talked he reassured me and asked if i ever experienced that towards other children. I said no ofc not! 

I came out of the office with full POCD. Now every child was a potential victim of my mind and I was mentally puking .....It wasn't his fault though, its a procedure question, but it cut me open to a new dimension. He send me to an EMDR therapist( because of trauma related origin ) and I am going there since , once a week. It did help with many graphic images. I really advice it to those who have a lot of images - it helps! Also he would do EMDR on an image of me changing diaper ( which was hell) and it became tolerable i must say. also I can give him a bath, EMDR as well.

So there is progress I guess. But the thought and sensations still haunt me. I never took distance from my son. I refused that, so I suffered felt perverted but still held him in my arms and slept next to him and hugged him. Yes it was distorted inside and I suffered and still do , but I did not wanted him to feel unloved just because I am sick. My mom left me at my grandmothers when I was four and took me back when I was 16. At the age of four I started to show OCD traits, now I know this. So I know what its like to feel abandoned and I hope I can protect my boy from this feeling.

So I also went to baby psychologists to see if my ocd has an effect on him. I go there every month. Since december i started CBT. First two exposures sessions felt like a blessing! Finally I am doing something with the now! Not only past ( EMDR is mostly past traumas ).  Last week was horrible, two weeks before that - better. I also started sertraline 50 gr. It took me 4 months to get ''ready'' to take meds. And i could not give it to him because I continued breastfeeding till he was 9 month. I know it sounds like torture but i really wanted him to have all the best!

So since april when he came home and now I ve been suffering very much. I ve been seeing two therapists per week EMDR and body/breathing therapist ( since august)  , and baby therapist once per month. Now I changed the body therapist and I am seeing CBT therapist instead. Also now 3 weeks on meds and one month without breastfeeding ( must say hormones deff increased ocd ) , no idea if the meds are  working, just a dry mouth. Have a feeling one of my therapists does not get me that well and I decided I need to share it with somebody! A human haha not a therapist. My husband still does not know what my ocd is all about. Still scared he will take the baby away if he knew. Money running out, anxiety still there. This is my first ever sharing moment on this topic. FEeling hopeless- so long i have this ****..... But I think maybe this step, of cutting the wound open, can also be healing. Letting people in. I forgot what its like....

 Thank you for reading whoever you are,

Love.

 

[Rox]

I wanted you to know you aren’t alone. My ocd actually started when I started trying to conceive. I was even having it throughout my labor. It’s good that you are having therapy. It’s clear from your post that you love your child with all of your heart. That’s why you have ensured you haven’t distanced yourself. Well done for sharing your story. I hope it brings you some comfort knowing you aren’t the only one with these thoughts x

[Em24]

Hi Luna, 

You are definitely not alone. Many people suffer with these intrusive thoughts after having a baby. 

You've had a lot happen in your life also, which adds to your OCD I would think? 

You sound like a loving and caring mother, who wants the absolute best in life for her baby. A good mother ❤️ Please try to remember that when you are feeling low. 

CBT therapy is the number one treatment for OCD. I personally found therapists didn't work for me. I went down the self help route. 

Break Free From OCD, Brain Lock and The OCD Workbook are all great self help books. If money is running low for therapy, I would really encourage you to look at buying a CBT self help book like the above. 

I feel like the appointments with a baby psychologist could actually be a compulsion? Almost like you need them to tell you that you aren't harming or affecting your baby? So you may get brief reassurance from these appointments but they don't actually solve anything? That's just what I'm getting from this though, I could be wrong. 

You can get better from this. 

X

[luna blue]

Hi ,

Thank you guys so much for answering! Thank you. 

I think I have really a lot of mental compulsions. I think you are right- baby psychologist is there just to make me feel better - the baby is fine and happy and very well developed even considering the fact that he is born earlier. I try to strip myself from the compulsions but I even suspect that getting therapy is a compulsion sometimes - it will prove I am not a p.....because I will get better through cbt . Hope it makes sense .  Gonna check out the books! Who knows maybe it will help me more. I hope its not another compulsion sharing this story here. I do believe the secrecy around ocd and especially pocd makes it worse.

I am sad to hear that you are going through the same nightmare Rox. Thank you for sharing though! I must say its such a weird condition , what we have, - if someone told me this a few years ago - I would be like- wtf?!:) And now   Did it get better since you started opening up? 

xxx

 

[Em24]

Some people on the forum tend to post here as a compulsion. I wouldn't say that's what you're doing though? You seem to be opening up for the 1st time and letting everything out? It's a huge relief when you can finally speak out isn't it!! 

You seem to be aware of your compulsions and how OCD works, which it great! Half the battle is working out compulsions and understanding this strange disorder. 

Do as much self help reading on CBT for OCD specifically and I have a feeling you will do really well. 

X

[luna blue]

 THANK YOU! Your words make me cry....

x