OCD and memories

[Headwreck]

I know all memories can't be false, just like not all memories can be real. I'm trying to stop my compulsions but I'm really struggling due to a memory which was triggered because I was lying on the couch with my partner. 

The memory was crystal clear and alongside it were feelings that I recognised ie. 'I shouldn't be doing this' 'he wouldn't like this' etc. I also recognised the feelings. It was as though I was there. And the memory would match up with other memories I had previously which I considered false but now I'm not so sure about. But this being true would all contradict other events which I know 'did' happen which I told people about around the time. 

My question is, how real can memories and feelings seem? This one was so vivid, I might as well have been there again on that night I am concerned about. Everything was so quick, the recollection, the feeling. I'm really trying to stop my compulsions but it keeps coming back to this one memory and linking to others. It's making it really difficult for me to make any progress. 

Edited February 17, 2018 by Headwreck

[Skullpops]

In my experience, part of the reason false memories cause so much distress is because they seem real. I read something the other night that I found interesting, it stated that these 'memories' are actually intrusive thoughts that the sufferer misinterprets as a memory. x

[Headwreck]

I've never thought any of this had happened until I started thinking about all this. I never used to give the night any thought at all, I had memories from it but that was it, I could reel them off no problem. But naturally I'm doubting that was ever the case as I type this.

Just want to get to a stage where I have enough clarity of mind that it doesn't bother me anymore. I think I know nothing happened (although I find that hard to say and type) but my brain just won't let this go. My compulsions are just constantly there, sometimes stronger than other times. I know I need to not let this bother me anymore as it's getting me nowhere, going to try and stop ruminating for the next hour and see how I go from there. Just feel like this is going against the grain completely. 

Hope you're OK x

Edited February 17, 2018 by Headwreck

[Skullpops]

As someone on the outside looking in, what you're describing reeks of OCD. I know that's hard for you to believe and accept despite the fact you really want to. I'm exactly the same. My mum said to me yesterday "Everyone can clearly see you have OCD except you." 

In my opinion, false memories (which are actually intrusive thoughts, not memories) are up there with the most distressing aspects of OCD. When I was in hospital I had 'memories' of things I thought had happened that caused me enough distress that I was suicical. Fast forward to now and I can clearly see this was OCD at work. Of course now I have new 'memories' that are distressing me. It's a cruel disorder. Hang in there, easier said than done I know, you're in my thoughts x

[Dragonfly]

I can only echo what Skullpops says above. And I know it’s so so hard to ignore the false memories sometimes. I still have trouble at times too ? That makes so much sense Skullpops too, about the false memory actually being an intrusive thought! 

I remember years ago, prob 16 yrs maybe, before I knew I had OCD or anything about it, I was at a Christmas work do. I’d had a fair bit to drink, but was by no means not in control. Anyway the next morning I started to panic thinking maybe I had kissed a guy I worked with. Even now I can see the picture in my head I saw then. I ended up telling my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and being in a right state. Luckily after a series of questions from him, he said you keep saying ‘maybe’, ‘if I’ etc - and he said that this reminded him of the way I was checking things, then saying I hadn’t locked the door etc and doubting myself.

Years on I saw an interview on TV about OCD, and made an appointment for the doctors straight away and was then diagnosed. In between that episode though and being diagnosed I lost count of the times I ‘confessed’ things to my husband. Goodness knows how he put up with me, as as I say, we had no knowledge of OCD. I’m pretty sure on a couple of occasions he asked was I just trying to wind him up, as it was always the same kind of scenarios!! But in the end he would say, ‘this is the same thing as last time, you know you didn’t!’ Which sometimes would help, but other times of course not at all. 

My point is though, that thinking about that false memory from all those years ago, I can still remember the picture of it in my head and how it made me feel. I know nothing happened at all, yet I can still remember those feelings and if I think enough about it, it feels real! They absolutely weren’t though! 

However, despite my knowing that OCD has been playing tricks on me my whole life, I still make myself an emotional wreck when dealing with false memories at times, so I totally sympathise with you. Even though I know that one wasn’t real at all, and neither were all the others, I’ll suddenly get one creep in, and I’ll be ruminating and seeking reassurance again, so I’ve definitely got a way to go yet.

I’m sure we will all get there though! X

Keep fighting it! X

[Skullpops]

I too still have difficulty in not ruminating ect...oftentimes I end up in tears searching for absolute certainty. 

Either of you reading this thread thinking "They definitely have OCD but I'm not sure I do?"

My therapist explained to me that it's really common amongst OCD sufferers to recognise OCD in others but think they are the exception, the one who's different, the one they diagnosed wrong, the one who's tricking everyone....familiar? x

[PolarBear]

You say you just want to find clarity of mind. Here's the thing. You will NEVER find that clarity by ruminating more. You just won't. Things will continue to be muddled and morph. 

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, Dragonfly said:

I can only echo what Skullpops says above. And I know it’s so so hard to ignore the false memories sometimes. I still have trouble at times too ? That makes so much sense Skullpops too, about the false memory actually being an intrusive thought! 

I remember years ago, prob 16 yrs maybe, before I knew I had OCD or anything about it, I was at a Christmas work do. I’d had a fair bit to drink, but was by no means not in control. Anyway the next morning I started to panic thinking maybe I had kissed a guy I worked with. Even now I can see the picture in my head I saw then. I ended up telling my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and being in a right state. Luckily after a series of questions from him, he said you keep saying ‘maybe’, ‘if I’ etc - and he said that this reminded him of the way I was checking things, then saying I hadn’t locked the door etc and doubting myself.

Years on I saw an interview on TV about OCD, and made an appointment for the doctors straight away and was then diagnosed. In between that episode though and being diagnosed I lost count of the times I ‘confessed’ things to my husband. Goodness knows how he put up with me, as as I say, we had no knowledge of OCD. I’m pretty sure on a couple of occasions he asked was I just trying to wind him up, as it was always the same kind of scenarios!! But in the end he would say, ‘this is the same thing as last time, you know you didn’t!’ Which sometimes would help, but other times of course not at all. 

My point is though, that thinking about that false memory from all those years ago, I can still remember the picture of it in my head and how it made me feel. I know nothing happened at all, yet I can still remember those feelings and if I think enough about it, it feels real! They absolutely weren’t though! 

However, despite my knowing that OCD has been playing tricks on me my whole life, I still make myself an emotional wreck when dealing with false memories at times, so I totally sympathise with you. Even though I know that one wasn’t real at all, and neither were all the others, I’ll suddenly get one creep in, and I’ll be ruminating and seeking reassurance again, so I’ve definitely got a way to go yet.

I’m sure we will all get there though! X

Keep fighting it! X

Thanks Dragonfly. To be honest I'm not sure if it was a flash of an image or a few split seconds but the feeling from it shook me up because I remembered the feeling itself. But what I'm doing isn't helping and know it has to stop. I've found I'm trying to recreate the feeling I had by sitting in a certain way, replaying the memory to see if I can get that feeling back so I can remember where it's from etc. It's really not good and I know that. At least you have an understanding of what is going on and can identify most times when it's OCD. That is such good progress in itself and a lot to be proud ofx

1 hour ago, Skullpops said:

I too still have difficulty in not ruminating ect...oftentimes I end up in tears searching for absolute certainty. 

Either of you reading this thread thinking "They definitely have OCD but I'm not sure I do?"

My therapist explained to me that it's really common amongst OCD sufferers to recognise OCD in others but think they are the exception, the one who's different, the one they diagnosed wrong, the one who's tricking everyone....familiar? x

Yes, get this completely. Feel as though I'm lying to myself and to others, trying to fit into a diagnosis etc. It's ruthless. The ruminating is a whole different thing, just doesn't stop.x

 

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You say you just want to find clarity of mind. Here's the thing. You will NEVER find that clarity by ruminating more. You just won't. Things will continue to be muddled and morph. 

I understand. I'm trying not to ruminate but it keeps creeping back in and when I'm doing it I'm thinking to myself that I'm only going to end up giving myself more to worry about. I was doing well until my partner and I had a massive argument then it set me back again. Ruminating is the real big one for me, even when I'm not ruminating it's like I can feel this thing sitting in my mind. I haven't given up trying but struggling to get it under control. 

Edited February 17, 2018 by Headwreck

[Skullpops]

I so relate to what you mean about the ruminating...even when you're trying not to it's just sitting there in your mind. 

[Headwreck]

I'm really panicking. I have had memories in the past that I've cast off as false but they turned out true. For example, I thought I held a male colleagues hand on a night out. It turned out that we didn't hold hands but he linked my arm (I remember this once he told me).

There was another time where I thought I kissed a male colleague on the cheek or lips (a peck) on a night out, I cast it off again as false but I went to work to ask if it happened and everyone was making jokes about it etc. and one person said they remembered it but it wasn't a big thing. Both of these things had happened.

What if this sexual act has happened and I'm just saying it's false like I did these two instances? I was so convinced that my partner had cheated that I thought it was my right to flirt etc. because I felt it was revenge. Now I've come out of the other side of that obsession, I can't deal with the guilt or how I behaved because it was so out of character for me. I feel ill. I can't live with this. I think I should just leave because he deserves so much more than this, what I have done is unforgivable. Even he said that he cannot give me forgiveness hence not wanting to know. 

Edited February 17, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

You're just ruminating more, coming up with what if questions and desperately seeking answers that you can't have. There's a world of difference between linking arms with someone and having full on sex. 

[Headwreck]

I can't stop. I don't know what to do.

[PolarBear]

You can stop. Realize that what you are doing is entirely pointless. Ruminating and other compulsions don't bring you the clarity you seek. And they don't bring relief. They just lead to more compulsions.

Realize that you don't have to solve this. There is no rule that says you must know for sure. You are under no obligation to figure this out.

[Headwreck]

I keep trying so hard but fail constantly. It's so disheartening. Yet another false dawn, really thought I was getting somewhere the other day. I don't know if crying can be a compulsion but I keep doing that when I get very anxious and feel better for it. I don't know how long I can keep this up. 

[Headwreck]

My partner is getting sick of me crying all the time. He's gone to bed because he says he needs a night off from me. I can't help it. I'm trying to be normal with him because none of it is his fault but I can't do it. All I do is go to work, come home, think, cry and go to sleep to escape. 

[Skullpops]

How much does your partner know about OCD? 

[Headwreck]

He knows what it can do but seems to think that having OCD about something makes that 'something' untrue. Which isn't true ie. the two false memories I had in the past that I panicked about for a few hours that were actually true. He knows I'm struggling and usually is okay about it (more than he should be considering) but think it's getting to him. I keep telling him I'll just go as it would be easier. 

Edited February 17, 2018 by Headwreck

[lostinme]

Headwreck I’m really sorry to hear your struggling at the moment. Stopping ruminating is possible, but it takes time and practice. At times you will catch yourself ruminating, just think I’m not doing this right now and occupy your mind onto something else, reading a book, listening to music, etc. The thing is the more you ruminate, the more anxious you become,  the more depressed you get, the more you cry and so continues the viscous circle. It took me a few weeks to do it and at times I felt I had to, but it was at these times that I learnt the most, when I began to realise what a pointless task it was because I would never find the answer I was seeking. Eventually I got to a stage where I’d say to myself I’m not going there because I had learnt there was no point, I havnt ruminated once for a few months now and things are so much better. A little piece of mind, a free mind so to speak, I used to ruminate 24/7 and I couldn’t do anything except sit there in a world of my own crying and replaying everything over and over again. 

I think what helped me the most, was I learnt to accept that it’s possible I might have and it’s also possible I might not have. Accepting both possibilities. Also learning that the past is the past and if it did happen this way I couldn’t change it any way, it’s gone, it’s done. So letting it go was the only option because I couldn’t change it anyway. 

Hope this helps, best wishes, lost 

[Headwreck]

2 hours ago, lostinme said:

Headwreck I’m really sorry to hear your struggling at the moment. Stopping ruminating is possible, but it takes time and practice. At times you will catch yourself ruminating, just think I’m not doing this right now and occupy your mind onto something else, reading a book, listening to music, etc. The thing is the more you ruminate, the more anxious you become,  the more depressed you get, the more you cry and so continues the viscous circle. It took me a few weeks to do it and at times I felt I had to, but it was at these times that I learnt the most, when I began to realise what a pointless task it was because I would never find the answer I was seeking. Eventually I got to a stage where I’d say to myself I’m not going there because I had learnt there was no point, I havnt ruminated once for a few months now and things are so much better. A little piece of mind, a free mind so to speak, I used to ruminate 24/7 and I couldn’t do anything except sit there in a world of my own crying and replaying everything over and over again. 

I think what helped me the most, was I learnt to accept that it’s possible I might have and it’s also possible I might not have. Accepting both possibilities. Also learning that the past is the past and if it did happen this way I couldn’t change it any way, it’s gone, it’s done. So letting it go was the only option because I couldn’t change it anyway. 

Hope this helps, best wishes, lost 

Thanks Lost. It makes me hopeful that someone who had been ruminating constantly (I too do it 24/7) has been able to free themselves from it. Did you manage to do this yourself or did you have help from a therapist? 

Accepting both possibilities is the hard one for me. But I know that it's either that or live this miserable existence. The more I ruminate the more 'evidence' I find too so I know it's not doing me any favours.

[lostinme]

46 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Lost. It makes me hopeful that someone who had been ruminating constantly (I too do it 24/7) has been able to free themselves from it. Did you manage to do this yourself or did you have help from a therapist? 

Accepting both possibilities is the hard one for me. But I know that it's either that or live this miserable existence. The more I ruminate the more 'evidence' I find too so I know it's not doing me any favours.

Hi headwreck, never give up hope, it’s that that keeps me going, don’t get me wrong I get stuck at times but I never give up because I know there will be a way to conquer it, I just need to find it sometimes. Working through CBT you start to become your own therapist and you begin to learn what works for you. Because OCD is so complex there is no text book case so it makes it more difficult to treat. 

My therapist as been a god send and I’ve worked through so many things because of learning to understand it more and learning the cognitive side too. In my personal opinion just doing the behavioural side and not the cognitive side won’t go well, it will just creep back up again. 

All way through my cbt, I’ve chosen what to work on myself, because even though my therapist as advised me what to work on sometimes I didn’t feel I was ready to face that one yet, so I would work on something I felt ready to tackle instead because this worked better for me. 

At first it wasn’t easy, but I kept distracting myself doing anything that took my focus to something else, I’d just say I’m not doing this right now, I would do this over and over again and at times I would catch myself doing it and not even realising I was, but as soon as I realised I was doing it again, I would just refocus on the task in hand. There was times that I felt compelled to do it, these were the times I learnt the most and began to see just how pointless it was, that I would never find the answers I seeked, it just caused me so much anxiety, heartache and pain. Eventually it got easier because you began to learn from each setback and began to realise just how pointless it was. You become your own teacher if you like. But I think by having setbacks is where you will learn the most. 

You learn to accept the doubt of never knowing and that it’s not important to find an answer  

 

[Dragonfly]

17 hours ago, Skullpops said:

I too still have difficulty in not ruminating ect...oftentimes I end up in tears searching for absolute certainty. 

Either of you reading this thread thinking "They definitely have OCD but I'm not sure I do?"

My therapist explained to me that it's really common amongst OCD sufferers to recognise OCD in others but think they are the exception, the one who's different, the one they diagnosed wrong, the one who's tricking everyone....familiar? x

Yes, this is all too familiar! ? X

[Dragonfly]

15 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm really panicking. I have had memories in the past that I've cast off as false but they turned out true. For example, I thought I held a male colleagues hand on a night out. It turned out that we didn't hold hands but he linked my arm (I remember this once he told me).

There was another time where I thought I kissed a male colleague on the cheek or lips (a peck) on a night out, I cast it off again as false but I went to work to ask if it happened and everyone was making jokes about it etc. and one person said they remembered it but it wasn't a big thing. Both of these things had happened.

What if this sexual act has happened and I'm just saying it's false like I did these two instances? I was so convinced that my partner had cheated that I thought it was my right to flirt etc. because I felt it was revenge. Now I've come out of the other side of that obsession, I can't deal with the guilt or how I behaved because it was so out of character for me. I feel ill. I can't live with this. I think I should just leave because he deserves so much more than this, what I have done is unforgivable. Even he said that he cannot give me forgiveness hence not wanting to know. 

Hi Headwreck, really sorry to hear you are struggling. I just wanted to say though, the things you are picking out from a night out; linking arms, kissing someone on the cheek or lips, are not things even people without OCD would necessarily remember, as I think they’d regard them as minor details, and probably wouldn’t care. I personally don’t kiss my male or females friends on the lips when saying hello or goodbye, but I know people who do, and there’s nothing in it, or they have caught someone’s lips by mistake when kissing them goodbye. 

I think you’re trying to remember every minor detail of nights out, and when you can’t you’re taking it as evidence that because you can’t remember that exactly, then a, b or c about other things must be true! When that’s just not the case. I’ve done this in the past too. I read somewhere too, that when we try remembering everything, it’s just not possible, so this is where the what if’s/maybe’s start, and the mind starts embellishing things, then before you know it we have these scenario’s. 

I still need to master not ruminating at all. I found Lost’s post very interesting. I’ve managed  weeks sometimes, and I must admit, it puts everything in to perspective. I need to master the OCD then trying to get me to take notice again though, which is what I’ve had lately. 

Hope today is a better day! x

[Headwreck]

13 hours ago, lostinme said:

Hi headwreck, never give up hope, it’s that that keeps me going, don’t get me wrong I get stuck at times but I never give up because I know there will be a way to conquer it, I just need to find it sometimes. Working through CBT you start to become your own therapist and you begin to learn what works for you. Because OCD is so complex there is no text book case so it makes it more difficult to treat. 

My therapist as been a god send and I’ve worked through so many things because of learning to understand it more and learning the cognitive side too. In my personal opinion just doing the behavioural side and not the cognitive side won’t go well, it will just creep back up again. 

All way through my cbt, I’ve chosen what to work on myself, because even though my therapist as advised me what to work on sometimes I didn’t feel I was ready to face that one yet, so I would work on something I felt ready to tackle instead because this worked better for me. 

At first it wasn’t easy, but I kept distracting myself doing anything that took my focus to something else, I’d just say I’m not doing this right now, I would do this over and over again and at times I would catch myself doing it and not even realising I was, but as soon as I realised I was doing it again, I would just refocus on the task in hand. There was times that I felt compelled to do it, these were the times I learnt the most and began to see just how pointless it was, that I would never find the answers I seeked, it just caused me so much anxiety, heartache and pain. Eventually it got easier because you began to learn from each setback and began to realise just how pointless it was. You become your own teacher if you like. But I think by having setbacks is where you will learn the most. 

You learn to accept the doubt of never knowing and that it’s not important to find an answer  

 

Thank you very much Lost. It's given me hope that I can do this. I've come further than I give myself credit for I think in the sense that I understand the ruminating isn't doing any good now, whereas up until a few weeks ago I was doing it because I thought it would help. Having done it so long now I know it's fruitless but the urge is immense. But I'm only putting myself at risk of creating new things. Really happy that you have got yourself out of that train of thought, that is such an achievement. 

1 hour ago, Dragonfly said:

Hi Headwreck, really sorry to hear you are struggling. I just wanted to say though, the things you are picking out from a night out; linking arms, kissing someone on the cheek or lips, are not things even people without OCD would necessarily remember, as I think they’d regard them as minor details, and probably wouldn’t care. I personally don’t kiss my male or females friends on the lips when saying hello or goodbye, but I know people who do, and there’s nothing in it, or they have caught someone’s lips by mistake when kissing them goodbye. 

I think you’re trying to remember every minor detail of nights out, and when you can’t you’re taking it as evidence that because you can’t remember that exactly, then a, b or c about other things must be true! When that’s just not the case. I’ve done this in the past too. I read somewhere too, that when we try remembering everything, it’s just not possible, so this is where the what if’s/maybe’s start, and the mind starts embellishing things, then before you know it we have these scenario’s. 

I still need to master not ruminating at all. I found Lost’s post very interesting. I’ve managed  weeks sometimes, and I must admit, it puts everything in to perspective. I need to master the OCD then trying to get me to take notice again though, which is what I’ve had lately. 

Hope today is a better day! x

Hi Dragonfly. I pick these particular things out because they really are vastly out of character for me hence the reason why I remember them. They're all from different nights out but it's made me think that I can't keep saying things are false because I classed those things as false and outside sources confirmed that they weren't, that leads me to worry that things I'm saying are 'false' now are in actual fact true. Difference is though that the true-false memories were recalled shortly after the nights out, this memory I have no recollection of before I've started thinking about it all in depth and the night I'm so worried about was nearly three years ago. I think alcohol is really bad for me, I obviously can't handle it and I pay for it mentally every time. 

The ruminating is horrendous. But going weeks without it is brilliant, that must have taken a lot of work and time to master it. Thanks for taking the time to post to me, hope you have a stress free day x

[Headwreck]

My OCD is going crazy today. Not worried about the night in question now, worried about other nights out I've been on where I've been quite flirty and thinking what if other things have happened? Does this mean it's changing again? I can't keep up with it, my stomach is in knots. 

[PolarBear]

Sure your obsessions could be shifting. Important to not pay them attention. It's just the same old in a new dress.