OCD and memories

[Headwreck]

Trying not to engage. But keep telling myself that it might not be false because there were other things I thought were false when they weren't. No reprieve at all, every day is the same.

Doing word puzzles etc. to keep my mind on something else, getting really angry at myself about this whole situation. If I wasn't so obsessed and anxious I could probably pass this all off as stupid. But the evidence keeps stacking against me to say I'm quite a revolting human being really. 

[Headwreck]

So the night has taken a back seat to this new worry where I think I've kissed someone on a night out one time. I've never thought this before, or don't think I have. I know there was flirting and just joking around but there was me, a female work colleague and this guy out at the time. And now I'm thinking that if I've done that as well as the sexual contact on the other night out then I'm just disgusting. I can't cast it off as intrusive thoughts or false because I've done that before about minor things and the things I thought weren't real turned out to be real. And during these times I was so caught up in being obsessed about my partner cheating that I was on a mission for revenge, childish and downright disrespectful and silly I know. This is bloody relentless, when will I get a break? But how dare I ask for a break when. I've created these situations myself. 

Resisting the urge to contact people from the night. I'm thinking it would have happened when they went the toilet anyway. I keep getting visions that I remember. This is horrible, how can I stay with my partner now. He won't hear any of it. 

Edited February 18, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

More of the same old, I'm afraid. Slightly different thought, same distress and compulsions.

[Headwreck]

I know. The night I've been worrying about doesn't seem so important now. This whole thing is ridiculous, it seems to be finally sinking in as when this whole bout first started in October/November I was utterly convinced it was all true. Sometimes I wish I could be lobotomised just for an easy life. 

I've bought a few self help books to work on while I wait for my therapy next week. I do feel like I'm starting to realise that it is OCD but now it is a matter of trying to break the habits I've formed and resist the urges. 

Edited February 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I think another compulsion I have is telling my partner how I feel. It doesn't necessarily need to go into the in's and out's of my worry but just telling him I'm anxious or upset is enough to make me feel relieved. I noticed I did it today and felt annoyed with myself when I felt the anxiety drop because I had fallen in that same trap again. Have to work on it. 

[Headwreck]

I've not ruminated for a few hours now and apart from a small blip I had earlier on I've felt okay.

One thing that is bugging me; I miss the feeling of knowing I've done nothing wrong. Am I ever going to feel that again? Will I always feel like I'm avoiding the truth but just minus the anxiety and ruminations? 

Sorry, it is probably a weird or pointless question. 

Edited February 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[lostinme]

7 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I've not ruminated for a few hours now and apart from a small blip I had earlier on I've felt okay.

One thing that is bugging me; I miss the feeling of knowing I've done nothing wrong. Am I ever going to feel that again? Will I always feel like I'm avoiding the truth but just minus the anxiety and ruminations? 

Sorry, it is probably a weird or pointless question. 

Wow that’s great headwreck, you can do this 

Not sure I’m understanding what your asking ? Do you mean the craving feeling ? If so it does subside  you get to a stage where it becomes irrelevant to know the truth either way 

[Headwreck]

2 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Wow that’s great headwreck, you can do this 

Not sure I’m understanding what your asking ? Do you mean the craving feeling ? If so it does subside  you get to a stage where it becomes irrelevant to know the truth either way 

Sorry my mistake for not being able to put it in words. Before all this started I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, or at least felt that I hadn't. I miss that.

And btw thanks for the cheerleading!x

Edited February 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

As for the ruminating. Sometimes I feel a little scared of it. Like I don't want to do it as the more I do it the more I believe. I got a little bit triggered by something that was said on another thread but I just put it out of my mind. I hope that's right. Also one worry is that I stop ruminating and then I'll go to therapy next week and it will start me off again! 

[Headwreck]

I think the above might fall into the category of ruminating. I'll be quiet..! 

[lostinme]

I’m not sure? I’m a good way on my road to recovery but I’m not fully there yet, I’ve still got other issues to tackle 

But I don’t know whether you get to that stage? At the moment such as not ruminating, I see the thoughts differently now and they don’t cause me to be anxious or distressed, I just dismiss them and don’t get drawn into them, I just think I’m not going there. 

I think the only people that could answer this is someone who is totally recovered 

[californiadreaming]

Headwreck, that’s all totally normal! And I’ve experienced your memory thing that you’re talking about.

If you take a step back, you can really see how distorted your thinking is. Just because one memory turned out to be true doesn’t mean all will, memory is very finicky. That’s all or nothing thinking that you’re experiencing. I bet you wouldn’t have given any of those situations a second thought if it wasn’t for OCD! OCD is majorly blowing them up. 

Keep sitting with the anxiety, I promise it will get better.

[lostinme]

5 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

As for the ruminating. Sometimes I feel a little scared of it. Like I don't want to do it as the more I do it the more I believe. I got a little bit triggered by something that was said on another thread but I just put it out of my mind. I hope that's right. Also one worry is that I stop ruminating and then I'll go to therapy next week and it will start me off again! 

Don’t worry I don’t think your ruminating, I think you are just asking advice about whether your doing it right ? It’s only natural to want to know    

You did great 

Try not to think ahead about what happens in therapy, learn to deal with things if and when they happen, don’t try to make predictions. Learn to think I will deal with things if they should arise 

[Headwreck]

16 minutes ago, californiadreaming said:

Headwreck, that’s all totally normal! And I’ve experienced your memory thing that you’re talking about.

If you take a step back, you can really see how distorted your thinking is. Just because one memory turned out to be true doesn’t mean all will, memory is very finicky. That’s all or nothing thinking that you’re experiencing. I bet you wouldn’t have given any of those situations a second thought if it wasn’t for OCD! OCD is majorly blowing them up. 

Keep sitting with the anxiety, I promise it will get better.

Hey Cali. To be honest you hit the nail on the head. The reason I recalled those other memories that were not false in the end in the first place was because OCD blew them up to the point where I told myself 'they mustn't have happened' just to get away from them or answer them. Even though when I asked and was told they did, I sort of knew anyway. Plus the stress only lasted about an hour or so, this has been months now. If someone told me I had done the things I am accusing myself of now, I think I'd be in disbelief? (Mind telling me "no you wouldn't be shocked because you know you have". enter stage door left.)... have to laugh sometimes! Thanks anyway for the support. Do feel a bit anxious but not as bad as usual, just trying to stave it off, I want to feel normal and be interested in things again. 

16 minutes ago, lostinme said:

I’m not sure? I’m a good way on my road to recovery but I’m not fully there yet, I’ve still got other issues to tackle 

But I don’t know whether you get to that stage? At the moment such as not ruminating, I see the thoughts differently now and they don’t cause me to be anxious or distressed, I just dismiss them and don’t get drawn into them, I just think I’m not going there. 

I think the only people that could answer this is someone who is totally recovered 

Thanks Lost, it's inspiring to know you have got so far as someone who struggled with ruminating as much as I do. I just know you'll keep going and kick this to the curb

Edited February 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[lostinme]

20 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Hey Cali. To be honest you hit the nail on the head. The reason I recalled those other memories that were not false in the end in the first place was because OCD blew them up to the point where I told myself 'they mustn't have happened' just to get away from them or answer them. Even though when I asked and was told they did, I sort of knew anyway. Plus the stress only lasted about an hour or so, this has been months now. If someone told me I had done the things I am accusing myself of now, I think I'd be in disbelief? (Mind telling me "no you wouldn't be shocked because you know you have". enter stage door left.)... have to laugh sometimes! Thanks anyway for the support. Do feel a bit anxious but not as bad as usual, just trying to stave it off, I want to feel normal and be interested in things again. 

Thanks Lost, it's inspiring to know you have got so far as someone who struggled with ruminating as much as I do. I just know you'll keep going and kick this to the curb

Bless you thank you, I’m trying my hardest and that’s all we can all do. It’s not easy at times, but it is much better trying than just facing another 40 years plus with this dreaded disorder. 

Keep going, things do get better and you can start to enjoy life again  

[californiadreaming]

For sure! I’ll give you an example, I got kissed on the cheek at a club by someone. I was drunk and don’t remember who. I do remember telling my SO and it was no big deal. Now that I’m recalling it, the memory is really hazy and doesn’t seem “real” but it is. Kind of similar to what you’re experiencing; however, the weird fear that I went to the bathroom with a stranger definitely feels like OCD. It’s just the mind being weird. 

Keep working hard!