Why can't we reassure ourselves?

[Sophie89]

So I watched a programme on pedophiles lately and it spiked an OCD thought - I put myself into the pedos mind to try to understand why they do it and I figured it must be because they get excited as its taboo. Anyway now I'm thinking I must be sick because I understood it. But I still think it is wrong. My mum simply said it's because you was able to put yourself in their mind but you know it's wrong and it was like a light bulb moment. Oh yeah! So why am I not able to just reassure myself like this? I go round and round in circles - I was getting myself so confused thinking how can I think it is wrong if I am able to understand why they do it and I then just felt like I was stuck. Does anyone relate? Why can't I just tell myself that. Like normal people  draining

[Ashley]

2 minutes ago, Sophie89 said:

why am I not able to just reassure myself like this?

Hi Sophie,

I think this is a good question, and it's important that anyone, with any type of OCD understand this principle about reassurance, both seeking from others but seeking from ourselves, because no matter how much reassurance our OCD is given, it will simply throw more 'what if' questions, which may be why you struggle Sophie. So no amount of reassurance is ever going to be enough. 

How we avoid seeking reassurance is difficult, because the need will be so strong.  Perhaps when the need or urge to seek reassurance is there a good old distraction technique can be tried. 

 

[Sophie89]

That's so true! Because I even thought of what my mum said myseld but it didn't feel satisfactory and your right I thought of another what if! So so true. It's frustrating as when I am speaking to my boyfriend he is soooo sure of his own mind and would be able to logically answer that straight away! My OCD is so bad that I am waking up with a dreadful feeling of doom and every time my boyfriend tries to reassure me that there's nothing to worry about my OCD thinks yes there is, my anxiety won't ever go away and I am only able to cry when I feel frustrated it's like I've lost all my emotions apart from fear. He was so kind today and he got upset and I wish I could just get upset sometimes! But I don't I'm numb. 

[PolarBear]

Ashley is absolutely right. Compulsions don't solve anything. That's the problem. If they did, we wouldn't have a disorder. If you could reassure yourself once and that was it, no problem. But that's not the way an OCD mind works. Sure, you might feel a little bit of relief after getting reassurance (from yourself or from others), but soon enough doubt and more intrusive thoughts (like what if questions) pop into your head and you're back to trying to solve it with more reassurance. And round and round you go. Nothing ends up getting solved.

The trick is to get to a state of mind where you are comfortable with not solving anything. Just leave it alone and let it be.

[Sophie89]

It's so sad though that we have to accept never being sure of anything and normal minds can  this makes me so sad to think we have to live feeling uncertain 

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Sophie89 said:

It's so sad though that we have to accept never being sure of anything and normal minds can  this makes me so sad to think we have to live feeling uncertain 

There's an important misconception here that has to be challenged because 'normal' minds also feel uncertain - ALL the time!

The difference isn't the presence of uncertainty, but your reaction to it. You feel uncomfortable with uncertainty? Well, so do people without OCD.

People without OCD accept it's not possible to be certain about everything, and not necessary to be certain about everything and they set the discomfort aside and let the worry go.

People with OCD typically want to be certain at any cost, and often feel it's necessary to have certainty in order to remove the discomfort they feel. They are unwilling to simply set the discomfort aside and let it go. 

What you're aiming for is to get to the point where you accept you genuinely don't need to know, and where you realise that once you set the worry aside the discomfort of feeling uncertain will go of it's own accord. 

[Sophie89]

I understand your point but I know for a fact that my other half would not get stuck on my thought about. He would think I know I'm not a pervert with absolute certainty. He wouldn't feel uncertain. So I don't completely agree that normal minds feel the same as us. Although I take on your point that in some situations they must feel uncertain but learn how to let it go. 

[snowbear]

9 minutes ago, Sophie89 said:

He wouldn't feel uncertain.

Only because he's well-practised at letting go of uncertainty.  

It's the same as checking.

Check the door is locked even once and you feel increased doubt. You stop trusting your senses and check again and again, tugging on the locked door handle even though you can see and feel that it's locked. Result: you feel very uncertain and begin to doubt your ability to know anything when your eyes and hands seem to 'lie' to you. 

Don't check the door at all and (even if there's some initial uncertainty that it's locked) as you walk away without checking your confidence grows that you 'must' have locked it. Result: you've learned to trust yourself and feel less uncertainty as a result.

Repeatedly let go of uncertainty and walk away without checking (whether checking a door is locked or checking memories/thoughts) and you build confidence in your own judgement until you feel convinced there's no uncertainty at all. That's why people without OCD say with confidence,  'I just know.' 

[Headwreck]

17 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Only because he's well-practised at letting go of uncertainty.  

It's the same as checking.

Check the door is locked even once and you feel increased doubt. You stop trusting your senses and check again and again, tugging on the locked door handle even though you can see and feel that it's locked. Result: you feel very uncertain and begin to doubt your ability to know anything when your eyes and hands seem to 'lie' to you. 

Don't check the door at all and (even if there's some initial uncertainty that it's locked) as you walk away without checking your confidence grows that you 'must' have locked it. Result: you've learned to trust yourself and feel less uncertainty as a result.

Repeatedly let go of uncertainty and walk away without checking (whether checking a door is locked or checking memories/thoughts) and you build confidence in your own judgement until you feel convinced there's no uncertainty at all. That's why people without OCD say with confidence,  'I just know.' 

This is such a concise explanation. Thanks Snowbear. I often wonder if you are a therapist? If you're not then you definitely should be!

[Sophie89]

24 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Only because he's well-practised at letting go of uncertainty.  

It's the same as checking.

Check the door is locked even once and you feel increased doubt. You stop trusting your senses and check again and again, tugging on the locked door handle even though you can see and feel that it's locked. Result: you feel very uncertain and begin to doubt your ability to know anything when your eyes and hands seem to 'lie' to you. 

Don't check the door at all and (even if there's some initial uncertainty that it's locked) as you walk away without checking your confidence grows that you 'must' have locked it. Result: you've learned to trust yourself and feel less uncertainty as a result.

Repeatedly let go of uncertainty and walk away without checking (whether checking a door is locked or checking memories/thoughts) and you build confidence in your own judgement until you feel convinced there's no uncertainty at all. That's why people without OCD say with confidence,  'I just know.' 

This is the best explanation I have read. Thank you so much. 

So .... how do you let go of it? That's what I need to understand!! 

[snowbear]

31 minutes ago, Sophie89 said:

how do you let go of it? That's what I need to understand!! 

A very sensible question!

First you need to understand that trying to get rid of the uncertainty by checking/doing compulsions is actually what keeps the uncertainty present.

Next, you choose not to do any more compulsions, and then you stick to that. Some people grit their teeth and use willpower to ride out the anxiety, some use distraction to keep their mind busy and stop themselves from ruminating, some use their new understanding the certainty they want isn't possible anyway and willingly give up the need to know.

Then it's a matter of practise, practise, practise...and more practise. 

Some days you'll probably feel confident and do well, some days you may feel overwhelmed and fail miserably. But as long as you keep trying there will be more successful days than unsuccessful ones and eventually you find you don't have to try so hard. Finally you get to a point where the urge to do compulsions is rare and even when it does happen you can shrug it off with ease without giving in.  

Something I forgot to say earlier:

1 hour ago, Sophie89 said:

So I don't completely agree that normal minds feel the same as us.

It's not the case that there are normal minds and 'OCD minds'. You too have a perfectly normal mind!   

You're just currently thinking in a way that produces the symptoms known as OCD. When you stop thinking in that way (stop interpreting things as 'I need to know' and stop doing compulsions to try to find the answer) then your symptoms will go and you'll realise your mind is normal after all.  

 

[Sophie89]

Wow thanks so much.  Needed to hear this. I have managed to let go of them before in the past and felt 'normal' so I will do it again. I find that it's hard at the moment possibly due to the weather as I always have it worse in Jan/Feb! I also have changes in my life such as moving in with my boyfriend and him wanting to start a family which has definetley triggered all this. Add on top my controlling mum who tries to make my decisions for me! Thanks so much for your help I am going to make a conscious effort to do this. I really appreciate it xx

[Sophie89]

14 hours ago, snowbear said:

A very sensible question!

First you need to understand that trying to get rid of the uncertainty by checking/doing compulsions is actually what keeps the uncertainty present.

Next, you choose not to do any more compulsions, and then you stick to that. Some people grit their teeth and use willpower to ride out the anxiety, some use distraction to keep their mind busy and stop themselves from ruminating, some use their new understanding the certainty they want isn't possible anyway and willingly give up the need to know.

Then it's a matter of practise, practise, practise...and more practise. 

Some days you'll probably feel confident and do well, some days you may feel overwhelmed and fail miserably. But as long as you keep trying there will be more successful days than unsuccessful ones and eventually you find you don't have to try so hard. Finally you get to a point where the urge to do compulsions is rare and even when it does happen you can shrug it off with ease without giving in.  

Something I forgot to say earlier:

It's not the case that there are normal minds and 'OCD minds'. You too have a perfectly normal mind!   

You're just currently thinking in a way that produces the symptoms known as OCD. When you stop thinking in that way (stop interpreting things as 'I need to know' and stop doing compulsions to try to find the answer) then your symptoms will go and you'll realise your mind is normal after all.  

 

Snowbear I know I am reassurance seeking but I am now obsessing about how to stop obsessing! Like I'm reading your post and trying to make it click in my mind but it won't! And I feel like my brain won't allow me to stop ruminating. If that makes sense. I feel trapped in my mind. And I can't focus on anything else but working out how to not ruminate - I feel like mine is too bad to get better from and I've pushed away my boyfriend now too  

[snowbear]

You may feel trapped in your mind and that your brain won't stop ruminating, but feeling something doesn't mean it's true. The problem is often the story you're telling yourself rather than your brain defying 'you' and doing it's own thing. 

I discovered the secret to how to stop ruminating from something that wasn't OCD related in any way; I had to learn to live with chronic pain. The more I thought about how awful it was to be in so much pain was the harder it was not to focus on it. The more I focused on the pain the worse it got. Trying to blank out physical pain is like trying to push away an intrusive thought - the act of pushing it away means you're fully focused on it. And what happens when you focus on it? It gets worse.

Now with ruminations it's often the case you simultaneously don't want to think about it, but actually you also DO want to think about it because there's a 'feeling' that you could solve the puzzle if only you think about it enough. 

With pain, believe me, you genuinely never want it to be there in the hope it'll make you feel better!

So I discovered the truth in what everybody says - stop trying to push it away, stop focusing on it, when your mind drags you back there resolutely get your mind back off it and get on with your day as best you can as if the pain (or intrusive thought) wasn't there. 

Practise, practise, practise. 

And instead of telling yourself a sob story (this pain is awful/ I can't stop ruminating) practise just letting it be there without judgement.

The pain is quite intense just now, but it's ok, this will pass, I can get on with my day and just let it be there... the feeling I can't switch off my brain is intense just now, but it's ok, this will pass, I can get on with my day and just let the thoughts come and go...

It really does come down to being genuinely 100% determined to let it go and not being still half-convinced that thinking about it is going to fix the problem. 

[Sophie89]

So spot on yet again! It is my own mind telling myself that I can't stop ruminating! And when in that obsessive frame of mind I honestly feel no way out and like I'm going to explode. I've managed to distract myself and that feeling has gone now  I find it hard to relax as my mind at the moment will find something new, such as I will read a joke and find it funny and my mind will get this doubt 'why is it funny' then it no longer makes sense to me. So I assume this is still OCD and I haven't lost the plot and I have to just ride out the uncertainty. I'm starting to understand how to do this. Thank you for helping me, I've been so mentally exhausted and your posts give me hope as they make so much sense. X sorry to hear you have physical pain, sometimes I feel selfish for worrying about this when people have much worse things going on. X

[stopthinking]

Wow snowbear you are very brave to go through what you have and you explain this very well. Like many others on here your advice and knowledge is very helpful

[Donnahoney1]

I feel your pain Sophie I also suffer from a need to know things and it takes it’s toll! If I don’t understand something il ask questions so I’m clear I understand and I get a thought in my head I need to answer as I hate uncertainty, but I know it’s possible to live with uncertainty as we do it every day anyway without realising, it’s stopping the compulsions that’s the difficult part!

[luna blue]

By the way pedophila is a sociopathic disorder. Or it's something you are  born with , and trust me you  will know if this is a case , or it's done because you have been through this as a child yourself. It's not about the taboo at all. I ve been studying it since I have pocd and I really needed to know what was happening. A pedophile is a sociopath. Also they mostly think that a child wants it!Just so you know. And for ocd vulnerable people like us obsessing about pedophilia is really a logical theme- it's a horrible thing. It's can be used as reassurance this information or simply as info .i hope you feel better already!